Wife has decided she's not going to vote for a man who can't wash his own hair. Although she's a bit freaked by Barack's flippity floppity ears, so it might come down to the wire.
Tom Brokaw has teeny tiny eyes. They make his face look massive.
At 4 minutes, Barack Obama made the first attack on McCain, associating him with George Bush. That didn't take long. Why not put him in the same picture as Atilla the Hun, get it over with?
That's right, I dropped Atilla the Hun on your unsuspecting ass. Where else are you going to go for that kind of hilarity?
Does John McCain know that buying all those bad mortgages will, you know, raise spending?
Does anyone still believe that McCain talking to Joe Lieberman means he's reaching across the aisle? He barely has to reach across the jacuzzi. Wow, that's a G-dawful image. Sorry.
Can we all admit that both McCain's and Obama's voting records are in favor and against earmarks? And they're for and against regulation?
I have fifteen open bottles of tequila, just waiting next to my computer. When the hell is John McCain going to say "maverick?" Screw it, I'm changing the game to drinking every time Obama says "middle class."
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and clean coal walk into a bar, and order beers from the bartender. Who gets served? Bin Laden, because the other three don't fucking exist.
The one disappointment I have about this debate is that Tina Fey won't show up. Golly gee whiz she's sassy.
Hasn't Tom Brokaw worked a debate before? Time limits are for Senate debates, Tommy. And how can you even see those lights with those beady eyes?
It's about 10 pm, and so far the most impressive thing that either candidate has said was John McCain's correct pronunciation of E-Bay. It's not as impressive now that his running mate tried to use it to give away her plane, but still, that's what we're dealing with here. For the love of G-d, guys! John, did you know Obama's been calling you a felon? Barack, don't you remember McCain's most recent ads are barely hidden racist propaganda, and he's constantly misstating your positions? Get angry! This is so damn boring.
So the economic discussion is over, and McCain hasn't collapsed into a quivering sweaty heap, so he wins. Now on to foreign policy, where McCain is strong, but no one cares because they're too worried about getting evicted from their homes.
"My friends, this nation is the greatest force for good in the history of the world. Ronald Reagan, reform, earmarks, he'll raise your taxes, I know war, I know victory in Vietnam, surge, steady hand on the tiller." That is your pull quote for John McCain.
What does it take to coddle a dictator? Are there fluffy bunnies and daffodils involved? Must we play with his footsy-wootsies? Does he get a bubble bath?
You have to admit, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" has a nice bounce to it.
Unfortunately for McCain, no one cares about Iraq anymore. Which is too bad, because someone should tell him that the surge is working - I don't think he's heard.
No, there won't be a cold war with Russia, because if they try to take back the Ukraine and Georgia, we're going to bomb the shit outta those Russky bastards. Yeah! America! If I could raise my arms I totally would!
(Patriotic note: I know why Senator McCain can't raise his arms, and all about his torture in Vietnam. He was a war hero, and suffered terribly. So here's what I'll do - if he doesn't mention his time as a POW again, I won't talk about his awkward gesturing.)
Wow, serious Israel question. But it neglects the fact that if Iran attacks Israel, Israel might just nuke them. Not that Israel has nuclear weapons or anything.
Dammit! We almost made it through the entire debate without someone dropping a g. "Scrimpin?" Really, Barack? You're leading by 8 points nationally. You're ahead in Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico. Do you really need, at this point, to be stealing tactics from Tina Fey?
We deal now with countries that most Americans can't find on the map. China, Russia, America... Oh, and John? Your generation saw the separation of the continents and the extinction of the dinosaurs by meteor, so I think these challenges are actually right in your wheelhouse. Because you're old, get it?
I've got to say, while McCain didn't lose his head, he didn't really get in any good shots at Obama, so McCain lost. But maybe now we'll get to see another one of those patented Krazy McCain Kampaign strategies. I'm hoping he decides to stop referring to Obama by name, and just calls him "The Great Brown Harbinger of Death and Higher Taxes," which of course he will declare while in blackface.
Showing posts with label amateur journalism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amateur journalism. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
How do Republicans spell President? P-O-W. RNC, Day 3.
It's not a Republican gathering until old white people start dancing to "Celebration." And...done. It's sexy, but for my grandpa.
I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.
Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)
"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?
Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.
Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.
It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.
Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)
Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)
Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.
The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.
Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)
When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.
The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.
Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!
Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.
Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.
Yay culture of life! Yay war!
It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.
How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.
If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.
Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.
FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.
Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.
McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.
ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.
Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!
I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.
I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.
McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.
Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.
Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!
NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.
"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"
I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.
Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)
"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?
Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.
Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.
It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.
Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)
Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)
Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.
The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.
Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)
When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.
The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.
Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!
Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.
Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.
Yay culture of life! Yay war!
It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.
How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.
If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.
Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.
FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.
Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.
McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.
ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.
Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!
I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.
I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.
McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.
Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.
Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!
NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.
"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
America, F*** Yeah! - RNC, Day 2
I'm switching tonight from CNN to C-Span, because I want to actually hear the speeches. First up - America's Mayor and America's Cross-Dresser, Rudolph Giuliani.
Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?
I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.
Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.
It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?
Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.
Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).
C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?
Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.
Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.
"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.
Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).
Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.
What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?
Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?
I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.
Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.
A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.
No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?
Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.
Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.
Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?
Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.
Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.
Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).
How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?
Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!
Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.
Were there visual aids at the DNC?
Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.
Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.
Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.
Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.
I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.
Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?
Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.
And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.
She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.
I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.
Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?
I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.
Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!
The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.
Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?
I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.
Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.
It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?
Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.
Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).
C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?
Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.
Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.
"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.
Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).
Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.
What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?
Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?
I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.
Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.
A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.
No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?
Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.
Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.
Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?
Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.
Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.
Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).
How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?
Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!
Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.
Were there visual aids at the DNC?
Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.
Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.
Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.
Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.
I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.
Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?
Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.
And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.
She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.
I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.
Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?
I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.
Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!
The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.
Day 1- I mean 2, in the uberhip Minnesota environs
I really did want to liveblog the RNC like I did with the DNC last week. Really. But Wife and I had to paint our new apartment. And unlike other couples, we don't just talk about improving our new digs - we actually go out and do it. Some people may sit down on a Sunday morning over their mimosas and New York Times and talk about colors and brushes and whatnot. Only the Pants Wearer and his intrepid spouse put family values and warm inviting color schemes over politics. Let's see my opponent do that.
I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.
Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.
President Bush:
I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."
Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.
Fred Thompson:
experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.
Joey Jewy Lieberman:
The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.
Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.
President Bush:
I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."
Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.
Fred Thompson:
experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.
Joey Jewy Lieberman:
The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I love the 4...th day at the DNC
How did David Strathairn get the nod to narrate Obama's biography video? Is it because he was so great as a blind guy in Sneakers? Or a guy who loved to watch chicks play baseball in A League of Their Own?
Right, the whole Edward Murrow thing in Good Night & Good Luck. Now it all comes together.
Michelle and Barack are a cute couple and all, but who goes to a community meeting on their first date? Cheap people, that's who. That would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Woohoo, student loans! Give it up for Pell Grants!
This may be the wrong night to ask this question, but I'm really curious: who is more defined by the prominence of his ears, Barack Obama, or Stephen Colbert? Is Colbert's whackjobness attributable to that rogue appendage? Seriously, it's trying to escape his head.
I have to apologize, I didn't really focus on the biography video. Solely based on the music, though, Obama's life was really depressing. I didn't know they had black kids in Dickens novels. Maybe pick some Kanye or Presidents of the United States of America, something to get the booty shakin'.
Thank Hillary Clinton? Check. Bill? Check. There, that's done. Now let us never speak of them again.
Again with the licking of the lips! Where's the Bert's Bees sponsorship when you need it? Or would that put Obama too close to the Big Wax lobby?
Clock it - just four minutes of positivity before the first knock on the Republicans.
"8 is enough." I loved that show. Makes for a good chant, too.
I'm not ready to take a 10% chance on change - now that's a buuuuuuurrrrrn.
The problem with bringing up the "nation of whiners" quote is that McCain can quote Obama directly - not his proxie - on how people are "bitter," and thus cling to "guns and religion."
I don't get the whole "footage of TV screens" thing. Doesn't CNN have access to those feeds in Maryland and Times Square? Watching TV watching TV is just weird.
Hooray! Real, substantive policy!
10! 10 years to wean ourselves off Middle Eastern oil! Which would be more impressive: Kennedy's man on the moon prediction, or energy independence? It's damn close, that's for sure.
Um, Barack? Ixnay on the eanclay oalcay and uclearnay owerpay. Not exactly the crowd to talk up Big Coal and Big...what, Uranium? Big Atom? Big Nuke? We've got to come up with some cheeky reference to the nuclear power lobby.
Whoa whoa whoa. The whole point of being a Democrat is so I don't have to worry about personal responsibility. If you're going to start making us do stuff, we're gonna, you know, not...do...stuff.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I know I'm supposed to keep up with the funny, but my sweet Lord this is an amazing speech. Did I say that Biden might be ready to speak on Thursday? After this, the bar is set way too high for anyone but Barack Obama to speak on Thursday. Obama's speech in 2004 was incredible, but this...wow.
David the commentator asked me what I have against John McCain, why I hate heroes. I had some good lines ready - I fear the elderly, he's been eating out of Bush's hand ever since 2000, that I want a president who knows where he left his car keys, let alone the difference between Shias and Sunnis.
But you know what? Fundamentally it's about presence, and ability. Barack is presidential, and John McCain is not. Barack Obama has the wherewithal, the intelligence, and the integrity to succeed at the most powerful job in the world, and John McCain does not. John McCain is a war hero, no question. But Barack Obama is the next commander in chief.
But if Obama ends up giving us more empty rhetoric, and doesn't accomplish anything, I will rake him over the fucking coals. And they won't even be clean coals. Dirty, polluting coals, sprayed with plastic and Saudi Arabian oil.
Right, the whole Edward Murrow thing in Good Night & Good Luck. Now it all comes together.
Michelle and Barack are a cute couple and all, but who goes to a community meeting on their first date? Cheap people, that's who. That would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Woohoo, student loans! Give it up for Pell Grants!
This may be the wrong night to ask this question, but I'm really curious: who is more defined by the prominence of his ears, Barack Obama, or Stephen Colbert? Is Colbert's whackjobness attributable to that rogue appendage? Seriously, it's trying to escape his head.
I have to apologize, I didn't really focus on the biography video. Solely based on the music, though, Obama's life was really depressing. I didn't know they had black kids in Dickens novels. Maybe pick some Kanye or Presidents of the United States of America, something to get the booty shakin'.
Thank Hillary Clinton? Check. Bill? Check. There, that's done. Now let us never speak of them again.
Again with the licking of the lips! Where's the Bert's Bees sponsorship when you need it? Or would that put Obama too close to the Big Wax lobby?
Clock it - just four minutes of positivity before the first knock on the Republicans.
"8 is enough." I loved that show. Makes for a good chant, too.
I'm not ready to take a 10% chance on change - now that's a buuuuuuurrrrrn.
The problem with bringing up the "nation of whiners" quote is that McCain can quote Obama directly - not his proxie - on how people are "bitter," and thus cling to "guns and religion."
I don't get the whole "footage of TV screens" thing. Doesn't CNN have access to those feeds in Maryland and Times Square? Watching TV watching TV is just weird.
Hooray! Real, substantive policy!
10! 10 years to wean ourselves off Middle Eastern oil! Which would be more impressive: Kennedy's man on the moon prediction, or energy independence? It's damn close, that's for sure.
Um, Barack? Ixnay on the eanclay oalcay and uclearnay owerpay. Not exactly the crowd to talk up Big Coal and Big...what, Uranium? Big Atom? Big Nuke? We've got to come up with some cheeky reference to the nuclear power lobby.
Whoa whoa whoa. The whole point of being a Democrat is so I don't have to worry about personal responsibility. If you're going to start making us do stuff, we're gonna, you know, not...do...stuff.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I know I'm supposed to keep up with the funny, but my sweet Lord this is an amazing speech. Did I say that Biden might be ready to speak on Thursday? After this, the bar is set way too high for anyone but Barack Obama to speak on Thursday. Obama's speech in 2004 was incredible, but this...wow.
David the commentator asked me what I have against John McCain, why I hate heroes. I had some good lines ready - I fear the elderly, he's been eating out of Bush's hand ever since 2000, that I want a president who knows where he left his car keys, let alone the difference between Shias and Sunnis.
But you know what? Fundamentally it's about presence, and ability. Barack is presidential, and John McCain is not. Barack Obama has the wherewithal, the intelligence, and the integrity to succeed at the most powerful job in the world, and John McCain does not. John McCain is a war hero, no question. But Barack Obama is the next commander in chief.
But if Obama ends up giving us more empty rhetoric, and doesn't accomplish anything, I will rake him over the fucking coals. And they won't even be clean coals. Dirty, polluting coals, sprayed with plastic and Saudi Arabian oil.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My lovely lady Hump Day: Day 3
Fantastically planned move to have Hillary stop the roll call vote and have an "acclamation" in favor of Obama, which is basically the honorable way of saying "sure, I know I got more delegates, now that Florida and Michigan are here. But I will be run out on a rail if this goes on. And something tells me I'm going to be back here in 4 to 8 years."
And Bill Clinton the mensch! Whodathunkit? He could have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble if he'd just stopped being a prick five months ago. Who knows? Maybe then Hillary would be speaking on Thursday.
That, by the way, is my new favorite "thrown under the bus" idiom. Not "she'd be the Democratic presidential candidate," but "she'd be speaking on Thursday." It works in other situations, too. "Did you hear Morris got promoted to Regional Director? Man, I knew he was ready to speak on Thursday, but I didn't think it would be this soon. What a dick." "Oh, honey, straight A's! Well look who's going to be speaking on Thursday!" Admittedly the meaning gets lost in there at some point. But I'm going to break it out randomly, see if it plays.
The movie about the soldiers is poignant, and inspiring. What else am I supposed to say? That Speilberg hasn't made a truly great movie in years? That Schindler's List was overrated? Excuse me while I go outside and drown some puppies.
Why is it that only CNN gets to be in the building? Why does Chris Matthews have to fight off hoboes to do his show? Aside from him being a gigantic tool, I mean (there's a guy who's never going to speak on Thursday. ZING!). But you don't think it would make great television to have him inside, trapped for hours with all those former Clinton supporters? He'd have lost a testicle by this morning, at the latest.
I was just thinking to myself this morning that McCain should announce his VP candidate this week, and lo and behold! Who's wicked smart? Yeah, the guy over here in the pants. That's right.
What if Biden declines the nomination? Would that not be the biggest hoot?
Who is Quincy Lucas? Whoever she is, she LOVES Joe Biden. Yaaaayyyyy! Forget Michael Buffer, I want Quincy Lucas announcing my entry into any and all rooms from now on.
Sure, he was elected by acclamation, but I love the insertion of pointy-headed regulation-talk to make things official. Further proof that the Democrats, despite their celebrity candidate, are still the party of nerds.
If you're going to name your son Beau, you better have another one named Luke. And you better buy them an orange muscle car with a Confederate flag on the roof. And convince them to run moonshine past that evil, sweaty Boss Hog.
Have I not been paying attention before? Do all public speakers lick their lips? Because if that's the case, it's a lot less disgusting than I thought. Wait - no, it still looks all snake-y. Buy some chapstick, drink some water.
Is it really that big a deal that Biden takes the train home every night to Delaware? Housing prices are insane in the District. Or is it that he's not flying? Does this make him the first green Vice President?
McCain has a lot of friends. All kinds of Democrats claim him as a friend. But if all my friends got together and trashed me in a convention-like format, I would find some new friends.
"That's not change, that's more of the same!" I love cheers! Whoa, there are even signs! Someone's looking to speak on Thursday (see? It's catching on, you'll see).
The crowd is just looking for something, anything to chant. If Joe Biden wanted to bring the house down, he'd start "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?" And that would be the greatest convention moment in history.
Biden clocked in at under a half hour. Now that's change you can believe in.
Wait, what's that? Is that...why, that's Barack Obama's music! What's he doing at the Democratic convention?
Joe Biden's speech was good, but there is no doubt whatsoever about who's speaking on Thursday. Barack Obama makes me want to find some old white Vietnam veteran and kick him in the shrapnel.
And Bill Clinton the mensch! Whodathunkit? He could have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble if he'd just stopped being a prick five months ago. Who knows? Maybe then Hillary would be speaking on Thursday.
That, by the way, is my new favorite "thrown under the bus" idiom. Not "she'd be the Democratic presidential candidate," but "she'd be speaking on Thursday." It works in other situations, too. "Did you hear Morris got promoted to Regional Director? Man, I knew he was ready to speak on Thursday, but I didn't think it would be this soon. What a dick." "Oh, honey, straight A's! Well look who's going to be speaking on Thursday!" Admittedly the meaning gets lost in there at some point. But I'm going to break it out randomly, see if it plays.
The movie about the soldiers is poignant, and inspiring. What else am I supposed to say? That Speilberg hasn't made a truly great movie in years? That Schindler's List was overrated? Excuse me while I go outside and drown some puppies.
Why is it that only CNN gets to be in the building? Why does Chris Matthews have to fight off hoboes to do his show? Aside from him being a gigantic tool, I mean (there's a guy who's never going to speak on Thursday. ZING!). But you don't think it would make great television to have him inside, trapped for hours with all those former Clinton supporters? He'd have lost a testicle by this morning, at the latest.
I was just thinking to myself this morning that McCain should announce his VP candidate this week, and lo and behold! Who's wicked smart? Yeah, the guy over here in the pants. That's right.
What if Biden declines the nomination? Would that not be the biggest hoot?
Who is Quincy Lucas? Whoever she is, she LOVES Joe Biden. Yaaaayyyyy! Forget Michael Buffer, I want Quincy Lucas announcing my entry into any and all rooms from now on.
Sure, he was elected by acclamation, but I love the insertion of pointy-headed regulation-talk to make things official. Further proof that the Democrats, despite their celebrity candidate, are still the party of nerds.
If you're going to name your son Beau, you better have another one named Luke. And you better buy them an orange muscle car with a Confederate flag on the roof. And convince them to run moonshine past that evil, sweaty Boss Hog.
Have I not been paying attention before? Do all public speakers lick their lips? Because if that's the case, it's a lot less disgusting than I thought. Wait - no, it still looks all snake-y. Buy some chapstick, drink some water.
Is it really that big a deal that Biden takes the train home every night to Delaware? Housing prices are insane in the District. Or is it that he's not flying? Does this make him the first green Vice President?
McCain has a lot of friends. All kinds of Democrats claim him as a friend. But if all my friends got together and trashed me in a convention-like format, I would find some new friends.
"That's not change, that's more of the same!" I love cheers! Whoa, there are even signs! Someone's looking to speak on Thursday (see? It's catching on, you'll see).
The crowd is just looking for something, anything to chant. If Joe Biden wanted to bring the house down, he'd start "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?" And that would be the greatest convention moment in history.
Biden clocked in at under a half hour. Now that's change you can believe in.
Wait, what's that? Is that...why, that's Barack Obama's music! What's he doing at the Democratic convention?
Joe Biden's speech was good, but there is no doubt whatsoever about who's speaking on Thursday. Barack Obama makes me want to find some old white Vietnam veteran and kick him in the shrapnel.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
DNC Day 2: this time, it's...Tuesday
A quick note from last night. It turns out that Michelle Obama's dress was green, not blue. There are two ways to look at this: the first is that I obviously failed kindergarten. The second is that maybe she was making a very subtle point - green is the new blue. Does that mean the Democrats are now the Green Earth Party?
Mark Warner's lips are very chapped. He keeps licking them. And an interesting point from the Old Rambling Man: "Democrats aren't as good looking as Republicans." I don't know what this means for the Democratic party. But he's not wrong.
Joe Biden's daughters? Genetically engineered Aryan hotties. Is that how they're grown in Delaware? Why am I only finding out about this now? I could have been rejected by all kinds of hot blond chicks!
I'm sorry, I'm not going to watch all of Ted Strickland's speech. On Comedy Central Lewis Black is spitting his rage-filled anger, and that's more interesting than some governor.
And...I'm back.
Bill Clinton is taking his time getting to his seat. Maybe it's because Deval Patrick is speaking, and Clinton is sitting so far away he thinks he's snubbing Obama. Oh wait, I just read he's skipping Obama's speech. Stay classy, Bill.
I'm forgoing links during the convention because I'm "liveblogging," which means I'm too lazy to give these posts any sort of editing or fanciness, despite the site's name. I guess I could tell you that the pants I'm wearing are fancy, but I'm not actually wearing pants.
I think I'd move to Montana just to have Brian Schweitzer as my governnor. He's awesome. From his shuckling to his bolo tie, he's like Cowboy Santa. No, this is better - he's Frank Caliendo! Except he isn't a drooling idiot. The pointing, the jokes about McCain's houses: he's on fire! He should have picked a state people have heard of.
When I grow up I want to be a Petrodictator.
With all this talk about Hillary's awful singing voice, I kinda want to hear it. Just to know, you know?
I thought Chelsea was a redhead. Maybe her hair just looks blond against her mom's orange suit. Not really a power color, more "look at me! Look at ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!"
Bill Clinton's brain: "why isn't Hillary a proud wife? Oh, right, I forgot."
If I was ever to attend a presidential convention, I'd definitely be one of those whackos with the buttons and the hats and the bumper stickers everywhere.
Michelle Obama's brain: "Just stay on message Hillary. I don't want to have to bust your ass on live TV."
"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits?" Catchy. They should write a crappy book and some crappy movies using that phrase.
Hillary's speech sounds, well, presidential. Anytime now she's going to get around to Obama, right? Right?
Ah, there it is. Only took 10 minutes. Not bad.
Say what you will about Clinton, but she's put more substance in her speech of support than anyone else has so far.
Fifteen minutes in, her first mention of Bill. Snuck it in just under the wire.
I would bet that Clinton is still speaking, but the Daily Show is on, and I need to know what's going on at the convention.
Mark Warner's lips are very chapped. He keeps licking them. And an interesting point from the Old Rambling Man: "Democrats aren't as good looking as Republicans." I don't know what this means for the Democratic party. But he's not wrong.
Joe Biden's daughters? Genetically engineered Aryan hotties. Is that how they're grown in Delaware? Why am I only finding out about this now? I could have been rejected by all kinds of hot blond chicks!
I'm sorry, I'm not going to watch all of Ted Strickland's speech. On Comedy Central Lewis Black is spitting his rage-filled anger, and that's more interesting than some governor.
And...I'm back.
Bill Clinton is taking his time getting to his seat. Maybe it's because Deval Patrick is speaking, and Clinton is sitting so far away he thinks he's snubbing Obama. Oh wait, I just read he's skipping Obama's speech. Stay classy, Bill.
I'm forgoing links during the convention because I'm "liveblogging," which means I'm too lazy to give these posts any sort of editing or fanciness, despite the site's name. I guess I could tell you that the pants I'm wearing are fancy, but I'm not actually wearing pants.
I think I'd move to Montana just to have Brian Schweitzer as my governnor. He's awesome. From his shuckling to his bolo tie, he's like Cowboy Santa. No, this is better - he's Frank Caliendo! Except he isn't a drooling idiot. The pointing, the jokes about McCain's houses: he's on fire! He should have picked a state people have heard of.
When I grow up I want to be a Petrodictator.
With all this talk about Hillary's awful singing voice, I kinda want to hear it. Just to know, you know?
I thought Chelsea was a redhead. Maybe her hair just looks blond against her mom's orange suit. Not really a power color, more "look at me! Look at ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!"
Bill Clinton's brain: "why isn't Hillary a proud wife? Oh, right, I forgot."
If I was ever to attend a presidential convention, I'd definitely be one of those whackos with the buttons and the hats and the bumper stickers everywhere.
Michelle Obama's brain: "Just stay on message Hillary. I don't want to have to bust your ass on live TV."
"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits?" Catchy. They should write a crappy book and some crappy movies using that phrase.
Hillary's speech sounds, well, presidential. Anytime now she's going to get around to Obama, right? Right?
Ah, there it is. Only took 10 minutes. Not bad.
Say what you will about Clinton, but she's put more substance in her speech of support than anyone else has so far.
Fifteen minutes in, her first mention of Bill. Snuck it in just under the wire.
I would bet that Clinton is still speaking, but the Daily Show is on, and I need to know what's going on at the convention.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Denver = Changing hope into butterflies and sunshine
I like the Joe Biden pick. I think he'll reassure Americans who are uncertain whether Obama shares American values, like whiteness and not-blackness. "Don't worry," Biden says to the silent vast American majority, "sure, Obama is black, but I'm here, and I'm white. Super-pale, Delaware-style white. The kind of white you only get in Wal-Mart, or on an albino buttock."
Also, there's his foreign policy experience, complementing blah blah blah.
Michelle Obama is speaking now, and the only thing that got a bigger applause than her mention of Biden is her shout-out to Hillary Clinton. Because from one angry woman to another, that sort of public recognition really means something.
Random thoughts about her speech:
- she's got crazy strong shoulders. Like former swimmer style. She could totally kick Cindy McCain's ass in a Jell-O wrestling match.
- CNN's camerawork is awful. Cameras boucing everywhere, and the sound is mixed way up so the ovations make the speakers shudder.
- I think I've made it pretty clear that I support Obama, but if I hear the word "hope" after November 4, I'm going to punch someone.
- I know less about fashion than I do about string theory, but even I can tell that Michelle's blue shirt clashes with the blue background. She's like a disembodied head with linebacker shoulders.
- Is it wrong of me to imagine Michelle Obama with an afro, and to prefer that to her actual hairdo? Does that make me racist?
- Michelle is a good speaker, but she forgets to wait for laughter and applause. I think it's because she knows the jokes are cheesy, and people are only laughing because they paid thousands of dollars, and they're going to fucking laugh whenever they want.
- A lot of people in the audience are crying. Would I also break down into tears of relief and joy if a Jew were the presidential candidate of a major political party? I think I would, if someone kicked me in the testicles. I would cry many, many tears.
- Where is Obama that he has to appear by satellite? Does he really have better things to do? Or is he getting that last intravenous injection of HOPE from the scientists who genetically engineered him? What the hell is he doing in Kansas City? And who the hell are the Gerardos? Are they another Obama family friend who hates America? Because that would be a bad choice for a visit just before the convention. I'm no genius, but even I know that.
- That last bit? With his daughters talking to him, and he can't respond because he can't hear them? But they keep making cute comments? Just as annoying as eavesdropping on a spotty cell phone conversation.
"Where am I? In Kansas City. Kansas City! Who? Malia? Is that you? Sasha? Did - Malia, don't hit your sister. Sasha? Are you - Michelle? Did you - did you finish the speech? Is everyone - is there clapping? Michelle, you didn't tell the Mexico story, did you? Sasha, it's your bedti - What's that? Can you hear me now?"
I hate that guy.
Also, there's his foreign policy experience, complementing blah blah blah.
Michelle Obama is speaking now, and the only thing that got a bigger applause than her mention of Biden is her shout-out to Hillary Clinton. Because from one angry woman to another, that sort of public recognition really means something.
Random thoughts about her speech:
- she's got crazy strong shoulders. Like former swimmer style. She could totally kick Cindy McCain's ass in a Jell-O wrestling match.
- CNN's camerawork is awful. Cameras boucing everywhere, and the sound is mixed way up so the ovations make the speakers shudder.
- I think I've made it pretty clear that I support Obama, but if I hear the word "hope" after November 4, I'm going to punch someone.
- I know less about fashion than I do about string theory, but even I can tell that Michelle's blue shirt clashes with the blue background. She's like a disembodied head with linebacker shoulders.
- Is it wrong of me to imagine Michelle Obama with an afro, and to prefer that to her actual hairdo? Does that make me racist?
- Michelle is a good speaker, but she forgets to wait for laughter and applause. I think it's because she knows the jokes are cheesy, and people are only laughing because they paid thousands of dollars, and they're going to fucking laugh whenever they want.
- A lot of people in the audience are crying. Would I also break down into tears of relief and joy if a Jew were the presidential candidate of a major political party? I think I would, if someone kicked me in the testicles. I would cry many, many tears.
- Where is Obama that he has to appear by satellite? Does he really have better things to do? Or is he getting that last intravenous injection of HOPE from the scientists who genetically engineered him? What the hell is he doing in Kansas City? And who the hell are the Gerardos? Are they another Obama family friend who hates America? Because that would be a bad choice for a visit just before the convention. I'm no genius, but even I know that.
- That last bit? With his daughters talking to him, and he can't respond because he can't hear them? But they keep making cute comments? Just as annoying as eavesdropping on a spotty cell phone conversation.
"Where am I? In Kansas City. Kansas City! Who? Malia? Is that you? Sasha? Did - Malia, don't hit your sister. Sasha? Are you - Michelle? Did you - did you finish the speech? Is everyone - is there clapping? Michelle, you didn't tell the Mexico story, did you? Sasha, it's your bedti - What's that? Can you hear me now?"
I hate that guy.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Bust shots at Big Ben like we got time to kill
First, before I get to this week's half-assed post, I'm obligated to recognize a Mr. Hamburglar/B&D/Krazy/Tubby Bjornferdsentenstein for suggesting the Bob & Doug MacKenzie beer clip from last week. So there you go, Tubby. And for those of you who decided not to click on the fluffy bunny link, maybe you should check it out. Who knew bunnies had anything to do with witches?
Meanwhile...read this, because the birds and the bees, though their famed interaction may be exciting, don't always live happily ever after.
I had a decent idea to write about this week, about how much I hate Woody Allen. He and Philip Roth are equally responsible for giving Jewish men a bad name, and terrible role models. But then I heard that his new movie has Scarlett Johannsen and Penelope Cruz making out. So for that, Woody, I'll forget about the whole "marrying my adopted daughter" thing.
And I'm not going to write about the campaign, because nothing is happening. Forget the news - and I'm not even going to link to anything, because I don't want to encourage you - and their carping on every little misstep or not-so-surprising center moves by both candidates. August is for vacations and pining for the NFL, and that's it. Obama wants to name a VP? I'm all ears. But until the conventions in a couple of weeks, there's really nothing to talk about.
Oh, then there's that whole Russia-Georgia thing. I wish I could get worked up about Russia's imperialism, but I wouldn't be so sad if Hotlanta went Russky. Imagine the crazy Outkast album!
Beyond that, the only thing that anyone cares about right now is the Olympics, and all those medals by that guy with the gills. Much to the Madre's - and Wife's, for that matter - I'm not watching them. I'm not so down with China, ever since my Gap t-shirt got a hole in the armpit. Come on, you've got like 50 million child laborers - does not a single one know how to sew? You think losing the medal race to the U.S. is embarassing? How about all those crappy Nikes, and their uncomfortable soles? Now that's some national shame.
I could say it's all a joke, that I've been watching the epic gymnastics battle, and those beautiful opening ceremonies, but for some reason I find I've got other things to do. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overreacting, being a snotty liberal and all. I mean, there have been some unforgettable images coming out of China:
I'm sorry. I really tried to keep this light. But you know what? I'm really sick of the Olympics. I'd really just love to sit down and watch some crappy reality TV, but NBC's coverage has just been ridiculous. Just bring back the Office already.
Meanwhile...read this, because the birds and the bees, though their famed interaction may be exciting, don't always live happily ever after.
I had a decent idea to write about this week, about how much I hate Woody Allen. He and Philip Roth are equally responsible for giving Jewish men a bad name, and terrible role models. But then I heard that his new movie has Scarlett Johannsen and Penelope Cruz making out. So for that, Woody, I'll forget about the whole "marrying my adopted daughter" thing.
And I'm not going to write about the campaign, because nothing is happening. Forget the news - and I'm not even going to link to anything, because I don't want to encourage you - and their carping on every little misstep or not-so-surprising center moves by both candidates. August is for vacations and pining for the NFL, and that's it. Obama wants to name a VP? I'm all ears. But until the conventions in a couple of weeks, there's really nothing to talk about.
Oh, then there's that whole Russia-Georgia thing. I wish I could get worked up about Russia's imperialism, but I wouldn't be so sad if Hotlanta went Russky. Imagine the crazy Outkast album!
Beyond that, the only thing that anyone cares about right now is the Olympics, and all those medals by that guy with the gills. Much to the Madre's - and Wife's, for that matter - I'm not watching them. I'm not so down with China, ever since my Gap t-shirt got a hole in the armpit. Come on, you've got like 50 million child laborers - does not a single one know how to sew? You think losing the medal race to the U.S. is embarassing? How about all those crappy Nikes, and their uncomfortable soles? Now that's some national shame.
I could say it's all a joke, that I've been watching the epic gymnastics battle, and those beautiful opening ceremonies, but for some reason I find I've got other things to do. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overreacting, being a snotty liberal and all. I mean, there have been some unforgettable images coming out of China:
I'm sorry. I really tried to keep this light. But you know what? I'm really sick of the Olympics. I'd really just love to sit down and watch some crappy reality TV, but NBC's coverage has just been ridiculous. Just bring back the Office already.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I've got gigantic blue balls
OK, maybe the title was a little...jarring, but I really think I need your attention on this. Ever since Barack Obama won the Democratic presidential nomination, there has been a flurry of skittish paranoid - pardon the candor - pussiness.
It culminated recently with this New Yorker cover, which you can find here, but I can't seem to show the actual cover because I'm not so secretly an idiot.
This set off a flurry of craziness, laid out quite well here.
All of this makes me kind of want to vomit. I've had to talk other Democrat supporters off the ledge because of the Rev. Wright thing, the black thing, the Indonesia thing, the black thing. And I will admit, as Hendrik Hertzberg does, that the telecom immunity thing was a kneecapper. That one hurt. It was a baldfaced political move, designed to show he's "tough on terror," and easy on big business. The fact that his vote wouldn't have mattered one way or the other made it almost too easy.
So sure, liberals are upset. They're nervous. And not like 4 years ago, when they were afraid because their - OK, our - candidate was a sad sack of elitist, out-of-touch robot man. It's weird to be the frontrunner, huh? Everyone out to get you, your opponent pulling out all the stops just to take you down a peg or two. Not like last time, when...they...didn't...with the...Swift Boat...right. Nevermind.
But I'm going to put a stop to this, right here. Get off your collective khaki'd ass, Democrats. Barack Obama is a fantastic candidate. Smart, well-spoken, tall. He has great floppy ears. His wife is hot and spicy, and gives a mean pound.
Fist bump, people. That means fist pump.
And I know this didn't help us last time, but it has to be mentioned for the record: one of the best things about Senator Barack Obama as our Democratic presidential candidate is that he's not Senator John McCain. And watch, I can do this without mentioning that McCain is so very very old.
McCain - doesn't support off-shore drilling for oil. Wait, sorry, he does now, never mind. He wants to repeal the tax cuts that favor the wealthy. No, sorry, he's now in favor of making those cuts permanent. Which hey, that's cool, I like rich people. It's just that there are all those poor people, and they seem kinda important too, so maybe we should throw them a bone, or universal healthcare. Poor people, for the purposes of this post, is defined as anyone making less than $250,000.
McCain has an awful temper that makes him volatile in stressful situations. He's pro-life, he's a proponent of maintaining the war on drugs, and he's backed off of every reasonable position he's ever held, including illegal immigration. His solutions for global warming, social security, and health care are complicated: "hey, let's let corporations handle it! Then we can focus on what government does best - killing and oppressing people who aren't American. Unless they're Muslim, in which case full body cavity searches for everyone.
Yes, that's a tad heavy-handed. But you know what? Screw them. We own this election. We're going to put a Democrat in the White House - a black constitutional law professor. A liberal. An elitist, in that he's better than you, me, and anyone else you or I know. He's going to wipe the floor with McCain. It will be embarassing - first white man to lose a presidential election to a black guy and all.
So stop whining! This should be a 4 1/2-month party. Because unless Osama Bin Laden is the October surprise, McCain is going to go wee wee wee all the way home.
It culminated recently with this New Yorker cover, which you can find here, but I can't seem to show the actual cover because I'm not so secretly an idiot.
This set off a flurry of craziness, laid out quite well here.
All of this makes me kind of want to vomit. I've had to talk other Democrat supporters off the ledge because of the Rev. Wright thing, the black thing, the Indonesia thing, the black thing. And I will admit, as Hendrik Hertzberg does, that the telecom immunity thing was a kneecapper. That one hurt. It was a baldfaced political move, designed to show he's "tough on terror," and easy on big business. The fact that his vote wouldn't have mattered one way or the other made it almost too easy.
So sure, liberals are upset. They're nervous. And not like 4 years ago, when they were afraid because their - OK, our - candidate was a sad sack of elitist, out-of-touch robot man. It's weird to be the frontrunner, huh? Everyone out to get you, your opponent pulling out all the stops just to take you down a peg or two. Not like last time, when...they...didn't...with the...Swift Boat...right. Nevermind.
But I'm going to put a stop to this, right here. Get off your collective khaki'd ass, Democrats. Barack Obama is a fantastic candidate. Smart, well-spoken, tall. He has great floppy ears. His wife is hot and spicy, and gives a mean pound.
Fist bump, people. That means fist pump.
And I know this didn't help us last time, but it has to be mentioned for the record: one of the best things about Senator Barack Obama as our Democratic presidential candidate is that he's not Senator John McCain. And watch, I can do this without mentioning that McCain is so very very old.
McCain - doesn't support off-shore drilling for oil. Wait, sorry, he does now, never mind. He wants to repeal the tax cuts that favor the wealthy. No, sorry, he's now in favor of making those cuts permanent. Which hey, that's cool, I like rich people. It's just that there are all those poor people, and they seem kinda important too, so maybe we should throw them a bone, or universal healthcare. Poor people, for the purposes of this post, is defined as anyone making less than $250,000.
McCain has an awful temper that makes him volatile in stressful situations. He's pro-life, he's a proponent of maintaining the war on drugs, and he's backed off of every reasonable position he's ever held, including illegal immigration. His solutions for global warming, social security, and health care are complicated: "hey, let's let corporations handle it! Then we can focus on what government does best - killing and oppressing people who aren't American. Unless they're Muslim, in which case full body cavity searches for everyone.
Yes, that's a tad heavy-handed. But you know what? Screw them. We own this election. We're going to put a Democrat in the White House - a black constitutional law professor. A liberal. An elitist, in that he's better than you, me, and anyone else you or I know. He's going to wipe the floor with McCain. It will be embarassing - first white man to lose a presidential election to a black guy and all.
So stop whining! This should be a 4 1/2-month party. Because unless Osama Bin Laden is the October surprise, McCain is going to go wee wee wee all the way home.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
And America goes 3 for 3 this week, and No Fear Players of the Week
I've long given up on the United States Executive branch. Sure, Scott McLellan comes out with his memoir, and that's important. But it changes nothing. So for the past few months I've been ignoring the President and his puppeteer Cheney.
But I still held out hope for the other two governmental branches. After all, Congress is Democratic, and that counts for something, right? And the Supreme Court, well sometimes Justice Kennedy is a liberal, so hooray for that!
And then Congress gives the telecom companies a gigantic blowjob, and on the same day that they get the death penalty right, The Supremes go Dick Cheney on the Alaskan ecosystem.
I can swallow the cave-in by Congress. The Democrats are used to giving in, so this was more of a habit than anything else. Plus it has the added advantage of looking tough on terror in an election year, so hooorah. Hell, it even prompted Saint Obama to vote in favor of immunity. But the Supreme Court? It was Justice Kennedy's week to be a liberal! Ginsberg was fixin' for a fight! Souter got to stay up past 9! But no. Instead they gave away $2 billion that was due Alaska. Whatever, it's not like there were pictures, right? Wait a minute...
On the flip side, this does give us cause to celebrate our No Fear Players of the Week. Sens. Chris Dodd, Rusty Feingold (Wisconsin, Heyo!) and Barbie Boxer. I'm not going to give it up for the liberal Supremes, partially because Diana Ross still won't take them back as her backups, and also because David Souter still lives with his mother, so he cannot, by definition, be a No Fear Player. Ever.
The supposedly Democratic Senate has rolled over and offered itself up for abuse by the Bush administration too many times to count, and it's getting a little nauseous in here. So kudos to the actual Senate Democrats - Boxer, Feingold and Dodd - for having the stones to vote their party's platform. The rest of you spineless power whores can kiss my ass.
But I still held out hope for the other two governmental branches. After all, Congress is Democratic, and that counts for something, right? And the Supreme Court, well sometimes Justice Kennedy is a liberal, so hooray for that!
And then Congress gives the telecom companies a gigantic blowjob, and on the same day that they get the death penalty right, The Supremes go Dick Cheney on the Alaskan ecosystem.
I can swallow the cave-in by Congress. The Democrats are used to giving in, so this was more of a habit than anything else. Plus it has the added advantage of looking tough on terror in an election year, so hooorah. Hell, it even prompted Saint Obama to vote in favor of immunity. But the Supreme Court? It was Justice Kennedy's week to be a liberal! Ginsberg was fixin' for a fight! Souter got to stay up past 9! But no. Instead they gave away $2 billion that was due Alaska. Whatever, it's not like there were pictures, right? Wait a minute...
On the flip side, this does give us cause to celebrate our No Fear Players of the Week. Sens. Chris Dodd, Rusty Feingold (Wisconsin, Heyo!) and Barbie Boxer. I'm not going to give it up for the liberal Supremes, partially because Diana Ross still won't take them back as her backups, and also because David Souter still lives with his mother, so he cannot, by definition, be a No Fear Player. Ever.
The supposedly Democratic Senate has rolled over and offered itself up for abuse by the Bush administration too many times to count, and it's getting a little nauseous in here. So kudos to the actual Senate Democrats - Boxer, Feingold and Dodd - for having the stones to vote their party's platform. The rest of you spineless power whores can kiss my ass.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Kafka didn't know from trials
I had a hilarious post already written out. It was going to be about socks that lose their elastic, John Hodgman, and German. You'd have blown milk through your nose, I swear.
Only I had to set it aside, perchance to post it next week. Because this happened.
And if that wasn't bad enough, there was also this bit of "justice."
So as much as I'd like to work up a froth about the Supreme Court getting habeus corpus wrong so they could do right by the Gitmo detainees, right now I'm a little pissed at some of our nation's DA's. We'll do the less aggravating ruling first, Mr. "Pee on you" himself."
If you can't convict this guy, when you have video and direct testimony, you should retire. You have 6 - 6! - years to prepare, and not only can you not convince the victim to testify, but you can't even get her to retract her denial that it was she on the tape. Grab your gold watch, and go tell your grandkids about the pedophile who got away. Kudos.
As for Seattle...you know what? I can understand. I can see how a reasonably intelligent jury can't make up its mind. A man wanted desperately to kill some Jews, in a prominent location where he could do the most damage. He Googled Jews in Washington, and found the Seattle Federation. When he discovered that it was over 200 miles away, he packed some snacks, got directions on MapQuest, and headed out. On the way, to make sure they were in fine working order, he tested his two pistols.
Once he got to the Federation building he kidnapped a 14-year-old girl to gain entrance. As soon as he got in, according to victims' testimony, he started firing. He killed 1 and seriously injured 5. One of his victims, a pregnant woman who saved her fetus by stopping the fired bullet with her arm. Then, overcoming shock and blood loss, she convinced the man to call 911, and he was taken into custody. He plead not guilty by reason of insanity for 15 counts of murder, attempted murder, kidnapping, and related charges.
When asked why they couldn't come to a decision, one of the jurors was shockingly, if unintentionally, spot on. "We didn't understand the legal concept of 'right from wrong.'" Exactly.
So instead of comedy you get tragedy. Sorry about that. At least you got the Chapelle skit thought, right? He's always funny.
Only I had to set it aside, perchance to post it next week. Because this happened.
And if that wasn't bad enough, there was also this bit of "justice."
So as much as I'd like to work up a froth about the Supreme Court getting habeus corpus wrong so they could do right by the Gitmo detainees, right now I'm a little pissed at some of our nation's DA's. We'll do the less aggravating ruling first, Mr. "Pee on you" himself."
If you can't convict this guy, when you have video and direct testimony, you should retire. You have 6 - 6! - years to prepare, and not only can you not convince the victim to testify, but you can't even get her to retract her denial that it was she on the tape. Grab your gold watch, and go tell your grandkids about the pedophile who got away. Kudos.
As for Seattle...you know what? I can understand. I can see how a reasonably intelligent jury can't make up its mind. A man wanted desperately to kill some Jews, in a prominent location where he could do the most damage. He Googled Jews in Washington, and found the Seattle Federation. When he discovered that it was over 200 miles away, he packed some snacks, got directions on MapQuest, and headed out. On the way, to make sure they were in fine working order, he tested his two pistols.
Once he got to the Federation building he kidnapped a 14-year-old girl to gain entrance. As soon as he got in, according to victims' testimony, he started firing. He killed 1 and seriously injured 5. One of his victims, a pregnant woman who saved her fetus by stopping the fired bullet with her arm. Then, overcoming shock and blood loss, she convinced the man to call 911, and he was taken into custody. He plead not guilty by reason of insanity for 15 counts of murder, attempted murder, kidnapping, and related charges.
When asked why they couldn't come to a decision, one of the jurors was shockingly, if unintentionally, spot on. "We didn't understand the legal concept of 'right from wrong.'" Exactly.
So instead of comedy you get tragedy. Sorry about that. At least you got the Chapelle skit thought, right? He's always funny.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Come to China - watch gymnastics, get arrested and deported!
I'm not going to write about Obama's victory, because it came months ago, and only real news people are going to treat today as if something significant happened. Instead, I'm going to write about a country that's crazier and scarier than America: China.
Yesterday China issued a legal guide for foreigners during the Olympics. Some of the rules are understandable - no attacking participants or judges, no smuggling drugs. But then there are some typically fascistic regulations that will give these Games a true Chinese feel. Only a few of these are actually made up.
1) Come to China, and see the entire country! You want to go to Tibet? Is that the new McDonald's sandwich, in honor of our very Special Olympic Games? It isn't? Well then the Chinese government has never heard of it. Why would you want to go somewhere that doesn't exist?
2) People with "mental diseases" are not welcome. Some examples: bipolar disorder, autism, Baron Munchausen's disease, that one disease where you say what you believe, regardless of the government's position. Tourettes, that's it.
3) The mascots are Syd, Ollie, and Millie. Chairman Mao help you if you bring up any of these.
4) These Olympics are sponsored by Coca-Cola, among other companies. If you try to bring Pepsi into the country, you will be deported to the nearest Myanmarese country. What's a Burma? Is that like a Tibet?
5) Athletes are free to express themselves using whatever means they deem appropriate. But remember, in polite company, a gentleman or lady does not bring up religion, politics, oppressive police states, Big Brother, air pollution, water pollution, noise pollution, rickshaws, Japan, Genghis Khan, Kublai Khan, Morty Khan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, child labor, capitalism, North Korea, Yao Ming, the internet, rock and roll music, smog, asthma, choking, lung cancer, and whatever that Tibet thing is.
6) You may root for whomever you please, but don't yell anything mean. Or obnoxious. Or racial. Or political. Or religious. Or using words. Some nice, encouraging grunts are really welcome.
7) You are free to root for the Chinese athletes.
8) If you have any problems please find one of the many volunteers on staff, who are there to answer any of your questions. If your questions are hard, or relate to a sensitive topic, one of the many undercover agents disguised as volunteers will detain you until an acceptable time is determined for your release.
9) Curfew is at 10 sharp. Lights out at 11. Stories at 11:30, but only if everyone's in PJ's.
10) If you're caught sneaking out of your Olympic village for a romantic tryst, to attend a protest, or to use the bathroom, you will be shot on sight. But what the heavily armed undercover agents dressed as volunteers don't know won't hurt you, so enjoy the thrill of sneaking out!
Yesterday China issued a legal guide for foreigners during the Olympics. Some of the rules are understandable - no attacking participants or judges, no smuggling drugs. But then there are some typically fascistic regulations that will give these Games a true Chinese feel. Only a few of these are actually made up.
1) Come to China, and see the entire country! You want to go to Tibet? Is that the new McDonald's sandwich, in honor of our very Special Olympic Games? It isn't? Well then the Chinese government has never heard of it. Why would you want to go somewhere that doesn't exist?
2) People with "mental diseases" are not welcome. Some examples: bipolar disorder, autism, Baron Munchausen's disease, that one disease where you say what you believe, regardless of the government's position. Tourettes, that's it.
3) The mascots are Syd, Ollie, and Millie. Chairman Mao help you if you bring up any of these.
4) These Olympics are sponsored by Coca-Cola, among other companies. If you try to bring Pepsi into the country, you will be deported to the nearest Myanmarese country. What's a Burma? Is that like a Tibet?
5) Athletes are free to express themselves using whatever means they deem appropriate. But remember, in polite company, a gentleman or lady does not bring up religion, politics, oppressive police states, Big Brother, air pollution, water pollution, noise pollution, rickshaws, Japan, Genghis Khan, Kublai Khan, Morty Khan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, child labor, capitalism, North Korea, Yao Ming, the internet, rock and roll music, smog, asthma, choking, lung cancer, and whatever that Tibet thing is.
6) You may root for whomever you please, but don't yell anything mean. Or obnoxious. Or racial. Or political. Or religious. Or using words. Some nice, encouraging grunts are really welcome.
7) You are free to root for the Chinese athletes.
8) If you have any problems please find one of the many volunteers on staff, who are there to answer any of your questions. If your questions are hard, or relate to a sensitive topic, one of the many undercover agents disguised as volunteers will detain you until an acceptable time is determined for your release.
9) Curfew is at 10 sharp. Lights out at 11. Stories at 11:30, but only if everyone's in PJ's.
10) If you're caught sneaking out of your Olympic village for a romantic tryst, to attend a protest, or to use the bathroom, you will be shot on sight. But what the heavily armed undercover agents dressed as volunteers don't know won't hurt you, so enjoy the thrill of sneaking out!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Who's really behind the Great Beef Raid of Aught 8?
By now you've all read about and digested the Agriprocessors raid. You know what it means for your local meat prices, for kosher meat processors in general. You may even have some thoughts of how it fits in with other immigration issues, and whether it matters that hiring illegal workers is standard practice in the meat packing industry.
But you don't know the real story. You haven't heard who dropped the dime on Agriprocessors, who set them up, who encouraged that nun to claim people were sexually harassed, all in the name of halting the production of sweet, sweet beef. And chicken, but those of us who wear the Fancy Pants (man, even I'm getting sick of the name) are less upset about the chicken. Because the secret, sinister cabal behind this whole mess is...bovine.
Yeah, I'm calling them out. You thought I forgot about them, didn't you? How could I forget my nemeses, comprised of an entire species? I don't want to go through the whole litany again - the stupidity, the whole tipping craze, the deliciousness - but cows are meant to be our food. And if we don't eat them, they'll start evolving. Once they start remembering how to turn it's only a matter of time before they figure out what we're doing. Then, a leader shall come, and it's tofu and wheat gluten forevermore.
And from this fiasco, it looks like they're finally wising up. Going after what is ostensibly and traditionally the most careful and ethical portion of the meat business is pure genius, because it then calls into question the rest of the meatpackers. This means they're organized, and thinking strategically. To anyone who loves their steak, this is a serious problem. We have to ask ourselves: how is this happening? Who is guiding the bovine insurgence? PETA can't even get out of its own way - although I will say their anti-fur ads with the naked ladies is compelling. It makes me want to be a naked lady who doesn't wear fur. Greenpeace is all about whales right now, so they're always at sea, away from fields and other places cows hang out. I don't know - bowling alleys? Is that a big bull market (I've tried pretty successfully to hold off on the puns. One won't kill you.)?
The liberal in me wants to blame this on Karl Rove. Partially because he's Satan's fat unathletic middle child, but also because he looks kind of like a Guernsey. But deep down, I know this can't be the case. All proud conservatives are carnivorous in keeping with Straussian philosophy. So I have to look at the blue states.
Massachusetts? No, not enough cows. Plus, even the cows have problems taking orders from someone with that crazy accent. And it won't be someone from Washington or Oregon, because marijuana and indie music combine to make a really effective bovine sedative. In fact, I hear some meat processors pump in the new Death Cab for Cutie album to make the slaughtering go more smoothly.
So California then. But who's got the stones, the sheer brazen audacity to turn on their own species? Who is so despicable, so fundamentally anti-human, that they would try so hard to take away our hamburgers, our milkshakes? Maybe this conspiracy goes higher than even I could imagine...
But you don't know the real story. You haven't heard who dropped the dime on Agriprocessors, who set them up, who encouraged that nun to claim people were sexually harassed, all in the name of halting the production of sweet, sweet beef. And chicken, but those of us who wear the Fancy Pants (man, even I'm getting sick of the name) are less upset about the chicken. Because the secret, sinister cabal behind this whole mess is...bovine.
Yeah, I'm calling them out. You thought I forgot about them, didn't you? How could I forget my nemeses, comprised of an entire species? I don't want to go through the whole litany again - the stupidity, the whole tipping craze, the deliciousness - but cows are meant to be our food. And if we don't eat them, they'll start evolving. Once they start remembering how to turn it's only a matter of time before they figure out what we're doing. Then, a leader shall come, and it's tofu and wheat gluten forevermore.
And from this fiasco, it looks like they're finally wising up. Going after what is ostensibly and traditionally the most careful and ethical portion of the meat business is pure genius, because it then calls into question the rest of the meatpackers. This means they're organized, and thinking strategically. To anyone who loves their steak, this is a serious problem. We have to ask ourselves: how is this happening? Who is guiding the bovine insurgence? PETA can't even get out of its own way - although I will say their anti-fur ads with the naked ladies is compelling. It makes me want to be a naked lady who doesn't wear fur. Greenpeace is all about whales right now, so they're always at sea, away from fields and other places cows hang out. I don't know - bowling alleys? Is that a big bull market (I've tried pretty successfully to hold off on the puns. One won't kill you.)?
The liberal in me wants to blame this on Karl Rove. Partially because he's Satan's fat unathletic middle child, but also because he looks kind of like a Guernsey. But deep down, I know this can't be the case. All proud conservatives are carnivorous in keeping with Straussian philosophy. So I have to look at the blue states.
Massachusetts? No, not enough cows. Plus, even the cows have problems taking orders from someone with that crazy accent. And it won't be someone from Washington or Oregon, because marijuana and indie music combine to make a really effective bovine sedative. In fact, I hear some meat processors pump in the new Death Cab for Cutie album to make the slaughtering go more smoothly.
So California then. But who's got the stones, the sheer brazen audacity to turn on their own species? Who is so despicable, so fundamentally anti-human, that they would try so hard to take away our hamburgers, our milkshakes? Maybe this conspiracy goes higher than even I could imagine...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Erasers - ever so much cooler than dumb old stickers
When the Pants Wearing Family left Boston, we didn't actually have a house or apartment waiting for us. Instead we moved into Wife's parents' house, where Wife insisted we live in her old bedroom. Obviously a certain amount of decluttering was involved - Luke Perry posters trashed, bus notes from old boyfriends tossed into a pile and ritualistically set aflame - which reawakened all kinds of Wife's memories and experiences.
"Hey, there's my Grateful Dead concert ticket! That was a great show...I think."
"Do I have to throw Luke away? Look at those eyes, that hair, those tight jeans...here, I'll just put him by my pillow, you won't even see him. It. The picture. Not Luke Perry, obviously, ha ha! He's not actually here. But if I wish it, with all my heart...what? No, I said I was fishing for, um, a dart. Yeah, I had this dartboard, and I lost a dart, and now that I'm cleaning my room, I'm looking for it. Like fishing. But no pole. I love you Lu- Pants Wearer!"
One hidden treasure was truly unique, dare I say more unique than the rest of Wife's collected doodads: her eraser collection, stored lovingly and carefully in a set of tiny plastic drawers on top of her bureau. Needless to say, this discovery prompted several questions. Here, then, for your edification, the Eraser Interview:
Pants Wearer: So, why erasers?
Wife: I don't know, I guess cause it was different than other people, who did stamps, or stickers, or whatever. Those are dumb. Erasers are much cooler. What? You know they are. Don't make that face. They are so cool.
P: I didn't say anything. So how many erasers are there, exactly?
W: I don't remember (walks to the shelves). Wow, I DO have a lot. Over 30, easy. And not boring old red ones, for math homework. Boooo, math!
P: Absolutely. What do you mean boring?
W: For example, look at this moose. It's a moose! How much fun is it to bring that out in class?
P: I honestly wouldn't know. But it doesn't look like you used it.
W: Of course I didn't use it, that would kill its value.
P: It's trading value?
W: Yup. Who wants a nasty old moose, streaked with black graphite? Gross! Ooooh, check this one out, it's a piece of coal! Or this one - would you like a rubber cookie? It's delicious!
P: I didn't think it was possible to have this much fun with erasers.
W: Well, not all of them. Look at this stupid sailboat. Blah.
Suddenly Wife's eyes lit up, as she reached for a drawer. Slowly bringing it out, she carefully carried it over to me, and presented her most precious eraser.
W: Look at this...isn't she gorgeous?
P: Is that a Cabbage Patch doll?
W: Uh, yeah (rolls her eyes). Not only that, she's exactly like my Cabbage Patch doll! Hair, and clothes, and everything!
P: That is...special.
W: She gets her own drawer, because I know how to take care of my erasers. See this one?
P: Is that a gun?
W: It used to be, before Brother T ruined it. He used it, like, every day. And now look at it. Yuck. Look! I could serve a whole eraser meal! Strawberries, a hamburger, lollipop... this is so fun! What other cool stuff do I have in here?
And on it went. More revelations about Wife's past, including her time as a bouncer, and her summer as a maker of fine jellies, and maybe some other ones that actually happened, came out as we made our way through the rest of her room. But knowing what I know now, about Wife, and her erasers...I'm just glad she doesn't know about my collection of ceramic bunnies.
I'll tell her, eventually. When she's ready.
"Hey, there's my Grateful Dead concert ticket! That was a great show...I think."
"Do I have to throw Luke away? Look at those eyes, that hair, those tight jeans...here, I'll just put him by my pillow, you won't even see him. It. The picture. Not Luke Perry, obviously, ha ha! He's not actually here. But if I wish it, with all my heart...what? No, I said I was fishing for, um, a dart. Yeah, I had this dartboard, and I lost a dart, and now that I'm cleaning my room, I'm looking for it. Like fishing. But no pole. I love you Lu- Pants Wearer!"
One hidden treasure was truly unique, dare I say more unique than the rest of Wife's collected doodads: her eraser collection, stored lovingly and carefully in a set of tiny plastic drawers on top of her bureau. Needless to say, this discovery prompted several questions. Here, then, for your edification, the Eraser Interview:
Pants Wearer: So, why erasers?
Wife: I don't know, I guess cause it was different than other people, who did stamps, or stickers, or whatever. Those are dumb. Erasers are much cooler. What? You know they are. Don't make that face. They are so cool.
P: I didn't say anything. So how many erasers are there, exactly?
W: I don't remember (walks to the shelves). Wow, I DO have a lot. Over 30, easy. And not boring old red ones, for math homework. Boooo, math!
P: Absolutely. What do you mean boring?
W: For example, look at this moose. It's a moose! How much fun is it to bring that out in class?
P: I honestly wouldn't know. But it doesn't look like you used it.
W: Of course I didn't use it, that would kill its value.
P: It's trading value?
W: Yup. Who wants a nasty old moose, streaked with black graphite? Gross! Ooooh, check this one out, it's a piece of coal! Or this one - would you like a rubber cookie? It's delicious!
P: I didn't think it was possible to have this much fun with erasers.
W: Well, not all of them. Look at this stupid sailboat. Blah.
Suddenly Wife's eyes lit up, as she reached for a drawer. Slowly bringing it out, she carefully carried it over to me, and presented her most precious eraser.
W: Look at this...isn't she gorgeous?
P: Is that a Cabbage Patch doll?
W: Uh, yeah (rolls her eyes). Not only that, she's exactly like my Cabbage Patch doll! Hair, and clothes, and everything!
P: That is...special.
W: She gets her own drawer, because I know how to take care of my erasers. See this one?
P: Is that a gun?
W: It used to be, before Brother T ruined it. He used it, like, every day. And now look at it. Yuck. Look! I could serve a whole eraser meal! Strawberries, a hamburger, lollipop... this is so fun! What other cool stuff do I have in here?
And on it went. More revelations about Wife's past, including her time as a bouncer, and her summer as a maker of fine jellies, and maybe some other ones that actually happened, came out as we made our way through the rest of her room. But knowing what I know now, about Wife, and her erasers...I'm just glad she doesn't know about my collection of ceramic bunnies.
I'll tell her, eventually. When she's ready.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Can't we all agree that he's going to "Kill Whitey," and she'll emasculate us?
One of the benefits of moving to Pennsylvania is my vote will actually matter. In a swing state, my issues are writ nation-wide, and everyone wants to know if I'm a soccer mom, or a gun nut, or if I hate brown people but couch it in terms of nostalgia and missing the "old neighborhoods." So today the two Democratic presidential candidates sent representatives to the Pittsburgh JCC to pander to me and my new neighbors. For my three readers (hi Dad! Grandma! Homeless guy with inexplicable laptop at Starbucks!), I took some notes, running diary-style, so you could feel like you were there too. If anyone asks, you were the one who took all those Hebrew Barack Obama pins.
1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.
Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?
2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.
2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"
Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.
2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?
2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.
2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.
2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.
(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)
2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.
2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."
Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"
Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.
2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...
2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."
2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?
After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.
Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.
Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:
Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.
(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")
Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.
Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok Israel Israel Israel, football, old people...I got nothing. But I'm sure Barack loves the gimps.
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.
Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.
Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?
Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).
Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!
And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.
1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.
Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?
2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.
2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"
Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.
2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?
2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.
2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.
2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.
(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)
2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.
2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."
Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"
Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.
2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...
2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."
2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?
After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.
Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.
Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:
Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.
(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")
Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.
Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.
Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.
Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?
Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).
Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!
And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Texas. Ohio. The Lady vs. The Brother
I was set to do a write-up/liveblog of the results tomorrow night, but I realized that would be a waste of time. Between CNN, MSNBC, Fox, WE, WB, ESPNU, and Nickelodeon there will be about 45,000 analysts picking apart the exit polls, and as original as my fantastic wit can be, there might be some overlap. So tonight I'm violating the principles of time and space and the internet, and liveblogging it now.
8:30 - CNN starts its coverage, and 17 former student club treasurers are offering their take on what to expect in Ohio and Texas:
Anderson Cooper says that the economy will be the biggest issue in Cleveland, while Galveston worries about immigration.
Wolf Blitzer, his beard cultivated in the shape of ancient Gaelic runes, is adamant that pets rights will play an underrated role in people's last minute decisions.
Christiane Amanpour blazes her sultry eyes from a dimlit newsdesk, and proclaims the secret to be the pheromone advantage held by Senator Obama.
9:00 - the polls close in Ohio, and MSNBC calls the state for hometown hero Dennis Kucinich. The diminutive politician is unavailable for comment, as he's already given up the race to take his chances on the dwarf-tossing circuit. In his first heat, he finishes a disappointing third.
9:12 - Brit Hume uses the word "promising" to describe John McCain, and Sean Hannity promptly lays him out with a 2X4 he has stashed under his jacket. Watching off-camera, Ann Coulter completes her portrait (oils on sheepskin) of Rush Limbaugh, naked, riding an Arabian steed across a brilliant green vale. It's glorious.
9:25 - Keith Olbermann counts down the top 10 most evil people in Texas, topping off his list with Daniel Day-Lewis' character in There Will be Blood. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean his sinister legacy doesn't live on in the hearts and minds of the soulless oilmen of today. Dan Patrick, if you're listening, I'm less of a man without you. Come back to me, and we'll spit snark over this crazy thing they call 'democracy.' Dan! DAAAANNNNNNN!"
9:34 - Bill O'Reilly: "Well, early numbers favor Senator Hussein Obama, despite unconfirmed reports that he's molested Christian children as part of a terrorism instruction series he leads at his mosque in Chicago. Also, from sources who wish not to be named, and may or may not be affiliated with her campaign, Senator Hillary Clinton has consumed the heart of her husband Bill, as part of her attempts at swaying the gods who rule over the Texas panhandle. Folks, this is just another example of liberal communist extremists trying to subjugate good Christian folk with their progressive hoo-doo."
10:00 - CNN calls Ohio for Obama, and Chris Matthews has to go change his pants.
10:06 - Exit polls in Dallas put Obama ahead by 346 votes. Geraldo Rivera, in horribly accented Spanish, stands in front of a polling station and asks a young Hispanic woman who she voted for and why. "Geraldo, stop calling me at home. If you come near me again, I'll mace your eyes until they melt. Oh, and your mustache smells like rotting bananas." As Geraldo turns back to the camera, he smirks and says "obviously she's voting for Hillary." Anderson Cooper is not amused. His hair, however, is immaculate.
10:20 - Fox News comes back from commercial to find Dick Morris massaging baby oil into Gretchen Carlson's perfectly toned delts. Gretchen informs us that winos outside a Qwik -Stop in Austin are predicting a Clinton sweep of the border counties.
10:45 - Tim Russert is grilling Mark Penn, Clinton's campaign manager:
Russert: Tell me I'm your mama. Say it! SAY IT!
Penn: ok, you're my mama. Can I have my wallet back now?
Russert: First, let me tell you why tetherball moms are upending CNN's predictions about today's primary.
11:05 - Chris Matthews, tears streaming down his face, calls Texas for Senator Hillary Clinton. "Are you happy now, you blond fascist! What do you have against Barack? Can you not see his beauty? His life-affirming smile, his ears large enough to carry all our prayers? At least acknowledge that he has the legs of Abraham Lincoln. And you think you can do a better job as president than Abraham Lincoln's legs? What hubris, woman!"
11:10 - Rhode Island and Vermont have also evidently held primaries, but no one cares.
8:30 - CNN starts its coverage, and 17 former student club treasurers are offering their take on what to expect in Ohio and Texas:
Anderson Cooper says that the economy will be the biggest issue in Cleveland, while Galveston worries about immigration.
Wolf Blitzer, his beard cultivated in the shape of ancient Gaelic runes, is adamant that pets rights will play an underrated role in people's last minute decisions.
Christiane Amanpour blazes her sultry eyes from a dimlit newsdesk, and proclaims the secret to be the pheromone advantage held by Senator Obama.
9:00 - the polls close in Ohio, and MSNBC calls the state for hometown hero Dennis Kucinich. The diminutive politician is unavailable for comment, as he's already given up the race to take his chances on the dwarf-tossing circuit. In his first heat, he finishes a disappointing third.
9:12 - Brit Hume uses the word "promising" to describe John McCain, and Sean Hannity promptly lays him out with a 2X4 he has stashed under his jacket. Watching off-camera, Ann Coulter completes her portrait (oils on sheepskin) of Rush Limbaugh, naked, riding an Arabian steed across a brilliant green vale. It's glorious.
9:25 - Keith Olbermann counts down the top 10 most evil people in Texas, topping off his list with Daniel Day-Lewis' character in There Will be Blood. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean his sinister legacy doesn't live on in the hearts and minds of the soulless oilmen of today. Dan Patrick, if you're listening, I'm less of a man without you. Come back to me, and we'll spit snark over this crazy thing they call 'democracy.' Dan! DAAAANNNNNNN!"
9:34 - Bill O'Reilly: "Well, early numbers favor Senator Hussein Obama, despite unconfirmed reports that he's molested Christian children as part of a terrorism instruction series he leads at his mosque in Chicago. Also, from sources who wish not to be named, and may or may not be affiliated with her campaign, Senator Hillary Clinton has consumed the heart of her husband Bill, as part of her attempts at swaying the gods who rule over the Texas panhandle. Folks, this is just another example of liberal communist extremists trying to subjugate good Christian folk with their progressive hoo-doo."
10:00 - CNN calls Ohio for Obama, and Chris Matthews has to go change his pants.
10:06 - Exit polls in Dallas put Obama ahead by 346 votes. Geraldo Rivera, in horribly accented Spanish, stands in front of a polling station and asks a young Hispanic woman who she voted for and why. "Geraldo, stop calling me at home. If you come near me again, I'll mace your eyes until they melt. Oh, and your mustache smells like rotting bananas." As Geraldo turns back to the camera, he smirks and says "obviously she's voting for Hillary." Anderson Cooper is not amused. His hair, however, is immaculate.
10:20 - Fox News comes back from commercial to find Dick Morris massaging baby oil into Gretchen Carlson's perfectly toned delts. Gretchen informs us that winos outside a Qwik -Stop in Austin are predicting a Clinton sweep of the border counties.
10:45 - Tim Russert is grilling Mark Penn, Clinton's campaign manager:
Russert: Tell me I'm your mama. Say it! SAY IT!
Penn: ok, you're my mama. Can I have my wallet back now?
Russert: First, let me tell you why tetherball moms are upending CNN's predictions about today's primary.
11:05 - Chris Matthews, tears streaming down his face, calls Texas for Senator Hillary Clinton. "Are you happy now, you blond fascist! What do you have against Barack? Can you not see his beauty? His life-affirming smile, his ears large enough to carry all our prayers? At least acknowledge that he has the legs of Abraham Lincoln. And you think you can do a better job as president than Abraham Lincoln's legs? What hubris, woman!"
11:10 - Rhode Island and Vermont have also evidently held primaries, but no one cares.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Still one on five
Brothers A and S are all up in a tizzy about the Bulls giving the Cavs the keys to the NBA title. S bemoans his Bulls' sacrifice, and their swallowing of Larry Hughes in the process. A is literally vibrating with pleasure as adrenaline levels top out at his eyeballs. "Thhhhiiissss issssss thhhhhhe mmmmmmmooooooovvvvvvvve!" he says, trying to keep his glasses from dropping off his face.
And I hear the logic. Delonte West is a beast, a junkyard dog who happens to hit some 3s. Wally Szerbiak is still a decent shooter, spotting up from anywhere. And then there's Big Ben, whose 'fro is still intimidating to those who want to venture into the paint. All solid contributors to a deep playoff team.
But the Cavs were already a deep playoff team. Sure, both the Celtics and PIstons are better this year, with KG and Ray Allen, and the development of their young bench, respectively. But the Cavs had just as much of a shot before the trade of coming out of the East as they did last year. So hooray for a defensive upgrade, and some more shooters, but I still don't see it.
Can Wallace still slow down Duncan? Fine, he d's Shaq, but who gets Barbosa and Stoudemire? Who guards Odom? And when James is being triple teamed, does West have the skills to run the offense? I haven't seen any sign of it.
So S, take it down a notch. A, maybe some horse tranquilizers for you. Because the Cavs are still a threat to beat the Celtics, but they're not winning the title this year, if only because Mike Brown is still their coach.
And I hear the logic. Delonte West is a beast, a junkyard dog who happens to hit some 3s. Wally Szerbiak is still a decent shooter, spotting up from anywhere. And then there's Big Ben, whose 'fro is still intimidating to those who want to venture into the paint. All solid contributors to a deep playoff team.
But the Cavs were already a deep playoff team. Sure, both the Celtics and PIstons are better this year, with KG and Ray Allen, and the development of their young bench, respectively. But the Cavs had just as much of a shot before the trade of coming out of the East as they did last year. So hooray for a defensive upgrade, and some more shooters, but I still don't see it.
Can Wallace still slow down Duncan? Fine, he d's Shaq, but who gets Barbosa and Stoudemire? Who guards Odom? And when James is being triple teamed, does West have the skills to run the offense? I haven't seen any sign of it.
So S, take it down a notch. A, maybe some horse tranquilizers for you. Because the Cavs are still a threat to beat the Celtics, but they're not winning the title this year, if only because Mike Brown is still their coach.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday was not, in fact, Super, nor was it Duper
What the hell.
Seriously. Where's my Blue State Revolution? Where's my paradigm shift? Instead all we get is a boring split. Blah blah blah.
Sure, Obama won more states. And the delegate numbers, if you use the Ryerson Theorem instead of the now-debunked Tchaikovsky Equilibratic, are pretty much unchanged. But California, New York, Massachusetts? States that are all about change and weirdness and Che Guevara t-shirts all effectively said the same thing:
Yeah, so the system is broken, there is no real incentive for substantive change, no reason to upset the happy corrupt wastefulness infesting every office and agency in the federal government. Meh. Black men are scary.
This gives the Republicans hope. Especially now with McCain, who they hate, but affords them their only real shot at retaining the White House. So what we have is another prime opportunity for the Donkey Party to screw up once again, by throwing in Hillary, who has no chance with independents and undecided voters, against McCain, who is all about the independents. And you think the conservatives will jump ship and vote for Hillary? I have a feeling many many old white men will be staying home come November.
But hey, you may be right. Maybe Obama is going to suddenly turn around and jack your car, sleep with your virginal blond daughter, and sell the marijuana to your kindergartner. Lord knows it's happened before, right?
UPDATE: And don't think the awful Shaq trade to the Sunds isn't related. The end of one beautiful revolution, the disappointing postponement of another? It is all a piece, the surrendering of glorious outliers to the weight of the normative.
UPDATE: And don't think the awful Shaq trade to the Sunds isn't related. The end of one beautiful revolution, the disappointing postponement of another? It is all a piece, the surrendering of glorious outliers to the weight of the normative.
Friday, January 4, 2008
What Iowa means to me
All we learned last night from the Republican primary is that Iowans are not fooled robots acting like humans, no matter how many commercials they pay for. Romney's true form was exposed to the world last night, and it was a titanium exoskeleton covered by a secret Mormon undergarment. It took a hokey Jesus freak to expose him, and by doing so Mr. Huckabee did us all a fantastic service by further marginalizing the GOP. The only thing that would have been better is if Tancredo had stayed in the race and won, but I'll take the religious fanatic who hates gays, abortions, and now immigrants, too.
Oh, and we learned that Midwesterners despise New Yorkers, even those who only pretend to work there on TV. Goodbye, Fred. Hope the hubbub didn't interrupt your nap.
The Iowa Democratic caucus is a grand chaos of democracy. The one indicator that everyone was looking for was turnout, because if there were more new people then it was good for Obama. And lo and behold! More than 100,000 new caucus-goers arrived. And it turns out that if voters don't like Hillary at first, they won't be convinced later to vote for her. She got the fewest second-chance votes from non-viable candidates like Biden and Richardson, which is really only more evidence of people not liking her, and being adamant about it, regardless of her supposed electability.
I know there should be more jokes about the whole thing, but it's been a while since there's been a victory for a candidate for whom my vote wouldn't be an embarrassment to my future children. Maybe this is some sort of sign, some indication of a permanent shift toward quality and integrity, and away from business as usual. I want it to be, so badly, if only so I don't have to think of the leader of the free world as a lobotomized monkey, throwing his feces at us and laughing about it with his monkey coworkers. Not that Hillary would be a poop-throwing chimpanzee, but could you imagine her making anything but incremental, aggravatingly sensible change in any facet of your life?
The results from last night tell me that there are a lot more people like me than I thought, people who want a president to reach for outlandish, outrageous change in staid, antiquated government programs, to think of foreign policy as a host of complicated, delicate issues instead of one us vs. them pissing contest, to consider the economic well-being and physical health of every single person living in this country, not just the top 1% or even the top 50% or even only U.S. citizens, but everyone affected by government regulation and spending. For the first time in my life I am more than just optimistic, I am enthused about the very real possibility of a great person becoming president. Say what you will about Hillary, but for those of you who support her - does she ever evoke passion? Do her rational, party-line policies make you want to jump up and down and proclaim with pride your devotion to her campaign?Is she anything more than "electable?" And now that that's fallen into question, is she anything but Mrs. Bill Clinton, master of the superficial, essentially ineffectual change?
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