Tidbits, and mini-Paddlin'

First, to the Paddlin':

Sarah Palin - quitter. Wuss. But I am psyched to see that she still can't avoid the press, and continues to sound like an idiot. Man, the 2012 Presidential race can NOT come fast enough.

Congress - again with the pussiness. Pussyness? Pussitude? Either way, they're a bunch of mincing little girls. You knew about the torture of innocent civilians, you greenlighted an entire war based on little or no evidence, and yet somehow the idea of giving the middle class better healthcare is beyond your reach? All 535 of you are as useless as Pope Hat condoms, contraception for Catholics. Jerkweeds. Pikers.

House Hunters: Wife watches this show. I can't figure out why. Maybe it's watching Iowans choose between McMansion A, B, or C, all for under $55,000. After all, who doesn't love feeling superior once in a while? But it's on more often than Law & Order and CSI: Whatever put together, and she can't get enough. You know who I want to see buy a house? Nobody. I. Just. Don't. Care.

Limes: You're not fooling anyone, you know. I see right through you. You have exactly one use - stuck in the bottle of a Corona to make it taste less like pee (seriously, have you ever drunk a Corona without a lime? It has to be Mexican urine. I'm convinced. I don't know what this means about sticking a lime in there and drinking it anyway, but those ads are just so compelling!). But Lime-ade? Wrong. False. Incorrect.

You are a garnish! Lemon won this war, like, centuries ago. You had your chance. You could have been lemon. But you blew it. We all know the old story of the Last Supper: Jesus had you on one side, and lemon on the other. And what did you do? You made some crack about his beard, and he went with lemon, the silent and tastier citrus. Then you sold out lemon to the Romans, and they crucified him.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, but my point is, shut the fuck up, lime. Go wait by the Corona.

Fantastic new Scientology ads: these have been popping up on my RSS feeds, and I have to say these are misplaced on the Paddlin' list, because they are hilarious.



Awesome! Hooray L.Ron Alien Man!

Recently I've noticed that I really want to be Scottish. This isn't new - I've been obsessed since I saw Braveheart for the first time. It's the accent, the liquor, the opportunity to wear plaid skirts without being a Catholic school girl (although if I do get reincarnated, not a bad choice, if you're listening, Hindu gods...).

But mostly, it's the music. Idlewild, Reindeer Section, Broken Records, Frightened Rabbit - but not Belle & Sebastian. I'm wussy enough as it is - if I started listening to them I'd probably have to start wearing eyeliner and keeping a dream journal.

Finally, a Turducken update: I have mastered the boning - that is, de-boning - or the removal of all bones, there, that's completely empty of bestial innuendos - of a chicken. What I found is that you just have to suck it up and dive in. Just get in there deep, using your fingers to probe around, and find the sweet spots. Crap, I let the sexual innuendo back in, didn't I?

Oh well. Next up - duck. I'm not going to do a practice turkey, because it's expensive, and Wife doesn't like turkey, so I'd be eating the damn thing myself. And I just don't like white meat.

Hey, at least I posted, right? Maybe next time you'll get some sort of structure, or focus.

He may know hookers, but he also knows international finance

Do you remember Eliot Spitzer? He's most famous for his love of dirty hookers, but he also was governor of New York.

Here's a reminder:



Mrs. Spitzer, by the way, is my nomination for saint. See how she totally didn't stab her pathetic husband in the brain, then dance over his expiring organs? Saint Silda, patron saint of patience and sleeping on the couch.

The fallout from Spitzer's impressively bad decision-making is ongoing. First, he cost himself a chance of ever running for President. He cost himself the Attorney General's spot in Obama's Cabinet, which might be a step fown from NY state governor, unless you consider that being governor of New York, your only responsibility is that Mike Bloomberg's morning quadruple espresso is delivered piping hot promptly at 7:14, as stipulated by the New York city charter.

Spitzer also cost himself any future victory in any argument with anyone, ever.

"Did you pay the electric bill, Eliot?"
"Actually, Silda, that was on your pile of bills to pay."
"Oh that's right, I'm sorry. You're too busy writing checks to more hookers. Don't worry, El. I'll feed, clothe, and love our children. Go pay some disease-ridden sex slave 20 bucks to pee on your bald ugly head."
"Yes dear. Sorry honey."

Man, Spitzer family dinners must be awesome.

Another consequence of Spitzer's indiscression is a run of really annoying, mildly offensive David Paterson parodies by Fred Armisen on SNL:



Why I added it here I'm not sure. Maybe because I've been slack on my video clips, and I felt bad. To compensate with something actually funny, here's the Upright Citizens Brigade, and their Bucket of Truth.

Upright Citizens Brigade

Bucket of Truth

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Get Funny Ringtones
More Funny Videos

Anyhoo, David Paterson is annoying and nowhere near as impressive as Eliot Spitzer. As a country, we lost some serious brain power when he had to resign and retire to a life of constantly being reminded of his love for dirty whores.

Fortunately, all that time being ignored by his wife and family have left him with some free time. And evidently he's putting it to good use, by writing to us from beyond his political grave. Spitzer's been writing for Slate.com, and it turns out he still knows what he's talking about.

It's a shame that we should lose his expertise simply over some silly misunderstanding about adultery and prostitution. At least he paid his taxes, right? That puts him one up on half of Obama's Cabinet. Plus, he hates corporations, and if we're going to do this socialism thing right, we need people who know how to hit companies right in the financial testicles.

And Spitzer knows a thing or two about testicles.

So here's my suggestion to Obama. On your desk, you've got the red phone for national security emergencies and late-night pizza deliveries (Bush's contribution to the speeddial list), your white phone for Congress, your green phone for Treasury, and your pimp phone for Canada, America's bitch.

I suggest adding another phone - your double-secret Dirty phone, for getting calls from disgraced experts. Douglas H. Ginsburg. Tom Daschle. And Eliot Spitzer. That way, we can still benefit from their knowledge, while you get deniability about your relationship with them.

And worse comes to worst, you can always have Secret Service shoot them.

It's my party, I'll eat meat if I want to...

Get ready, we're going crazy with the homonyms this week...

My streak of bringing championships to cities is safe for one more hometown. My presence in Pittsburgh compelled the Cardinals to ignore their tried and true passing game for 3 quarters, almost forgetting that Larry Fitzgerald existed until it was too late. For those of you counting at home, this is my championship tally:

Chicago, 92-95 - Bulls 3peat.
New York, 96-99 - Yankees 3peat.
Boston, 99-08 - Patriots win 3 Super Bowls, and the Red Sox win 2 World Series.
Pittsburgh, 08-present - Steelers, Super Bowl win no. 6.

My offer to Seattle, Cleveland, Cincinatti, and Dallas still stands - if you want any of your teams to win a championship in the next few decades, pay me several hundred thousand dollars, and I will gladly move to your city. Because I want to spread the love.

Steeler fans truly believe they are the craziest. And pound for pound, in terms of sheer volume, they may be right. But Red Sox fans are just as passionate, and Patriots fans just as annoying. Yankee fans are, if anything, worse, because they expect all that cash to buy them wins. And Red Sox fans are getting to that point, but still get to burn off 86 years of misery, so they get a pass for say the next year. After that they can be snooty and proud all they want, but they have to concede that they are the new Yankees. A fair trade-off for all that success, I say.

A quick word about the actual Super Bowl "party" I attended. As some of you may know from my weepy phone calls, the menu was dairy. Furthermore, I was asked to bring a salad.

I'm not normally an angry person, and I like to believe I give people the benefit of the doubt. But the whole thing seemed like a setup. The hosts know me well. They are all too aware of my disturbing fixation on raw animal flesh, preferably fried or ground up and shoved into some sort of bun, or maybe a wafer cone. And yet there I was, picking up a forkful of ziti and trying to keep from sobbing. I don't know the complicated physics behind the equation, but everyone knows that

Football = meat.

It can = poultry, or ham, or fish (although that too is a reach unless it's well fried beyond recognition as such), but football does NOT = leafy greens, or kale, or jicama, or any other roughage. I could have sworn I had moved back to the Midwest when I came to Pittsburgh - the clear disdain for nonfatty foods, the pleasant bovine-like expressions on drivers obeying speed limits, the suspicious looks cast at people with foreign accents - but now I'm not so sure.

As for the other crappy party, I want to say this: for a group of people who are allegedly supportive of taxes, and using them to generate revenue for use by the federal and state governments, the Democrats sure are forgetful when it comes to actually paying those taxes.

If I wanted people who were out to cheat the government to run the government, I would have voted for McCain. Right now it's a little embarrassing. I guess it's something that Daschle is stepping down, but don't they have a vetting process for this? If you were a White House staffer, trying now to push through a massive stimulus package that both cuts and raises taxes, wouldn't you want to be sure that your political appointees knew H&R Block's phone number? I would think that would be a priority. But what do I know.

Election Eve highlights

- Did you know that BET had election coverage? Say what you want about men with dreads in suits, but that guy could really break down an exit poll.

- CNN's holograms were a waste of money, and effort and completely sweet. I just can't wait for all the newscasters to do their thing via hologram. Not so much because it would change how they did it, but then they'd all be wrapped in a pretty purple aura. Because, like, auras are awesome.

- I was disappointed by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Was 2 hours of coverage really too much to ask? They couldn't pull it off with some more guests, or more Rob Riggle pants-less time? But Colbert was hilarious, so it's all good.

- What I missed from Fox's coverage? Weeping. I wanted tears, and questioning of Jesus' majesty, and ridiculous denial:
"Just remember, folks, they thought Dewey had defeated Truman. And Dewey wasn't even bla- I mean liberal!"
"People lie in exit polls all the time. Is it so hard to understand how that dishonesty could extend into the polling booths as well? Voters actually lying to the government about who they want as president? For shame, America."
"Barack who? No, that guy is McCain's butler. McCain's just letting him give the victory speech because he's busy drinking mint juleps and watching Sarah Palin pick up pens off the floor. MMMMMM, Governor Tight-Ass indeed. What was that? We're on the air? ... I don't believe you."

- Has Al Franken won yet?

- I think it speaks volumes for Alaska that they still might reelect Ted Stevens. Let it go, folks. He's going to jail, I don't know how much he can get you in earmarks and wasteful projects while he's being ass-raped by Jojo.

- As a Jewish community professional focused on continuity and strengthening Jewish identity, I can't tell you what a marketing coup it is having Rahm Emmanuel as Obama's chief of staff. This is sure to bring in at least another three hundred dollars in donations. Maybe even 350.

- I'm not sure, but I think Wife let Child vote for her. We had touchscreens here in Pennsylvania, and Child was in the B-Jorn, and his hands were waving all over the place as they are wont to do, and all I'm saying is they spent a lot of time in that booth.

- John McCain gave a gracious, respectful concession speech. Who knows how things could have turned out for him if all of his campaign speeches had been like that?

- There was talk about what Sarah Palin would be doing now that the election is over, and she tanked McCain's campaign. Analysts gave 2 choices: a presidential run in 2012, or Hollywood reporter. Which I guess for her skillset there's really no other choices.

- Oh, I don't know if you heard this, but Obama is going to be the next president of these United States. I don't know what this means for the country, but I do know one thing for certain: his will be the most-mentioned middle name since Franklin Delano Roosevelt. We should just start calling him BHO and get it over with.

- And no, now that this is over I have no idea what I'm going to write about all the time. Probably porn. Yeah, porn it is.

Is it...is it over?

24 hours from now I will be drunk. It will either be a wonderful, champagne-bath-style drunkenness, or a miserable "dammit 4 more years of white people" drunkenness. Either way, I love beer.

2 years! We've been reading about these two men for 24 months, 104 weeks. And it's only been a couple of months with Governor Yokel, but it's seemed like decades. I can't even handle Tina Fey's impression of her anymore, I want to smack both of them.

I'm not going to link to any of the recent articles. I'm not going to refer to time spent as a community organizer, or a POW. I'm not going to talk about reverends, or Alaskan secession, or plagiarizing British parliamentarians of the 1980's.

All I'm going to say is that you should vote tomorrow. But I'm not going to get all mushy and "hooray for the process!" like the fifteen e-mails I got today from people who are just trying to be up for democracy.

If you're going to vote for John McCain, curl up with your favorite Matlock rerun, and stay the fuck home.

Like I said before, I'm not rehashing the reasons you should vote for Obama. If you don't know them already, then you're either a hermit or opening up the newest KKK chapter in your area (franchising is a wonderful way to support your community, folks!). And if someone asks you who you voted for, it is not in fact private. Shouldn't you be proud of your vote? Shout it from the rooftops! Own it! If you're afraid of change or black people or someone who's smarter and more charismatic than you, just say so. Or if you hate old people and Vietnam veterans and soldiers in general, and think Jeremiah Wright was criticized just because he was speaking truth to power, then you should be proud of that, too.

Either way, vote for Barack Obama. You know you should.

Oh, and the Bears beat the Lions. Shocker. Even without the Neckbeard, and with the Sex Cannon leading the charge, it was still Matt Forte carrying us all home in his warm embrace. What a man.

Programming note: I wanted to liveblog tomorrow night, but it turns out I have friends and am going to watch the returns with them. I'll try to remember each sizzling hilarious detail of the evening, but as mentioned above I shall be trashed, so don't expect Shakespeare. But do expect random appearances by unicorns, Alan Greenspan, and a few former popes. Happy Election Day!

Once you go black...

I was all set to write about my No Fear Player of the Month, Senator Ted Stevens, R-AK, who was found guilty on 7 felony counts of corruption and bribery. What makes him so gosh-darn indefatigable is that he is persisting in his Senate campaign. And because it's Alaska, home of rocks, oil, and Governor Tina Fey, he may be the first senator ever to serve his term from a jail cell. So hoorah to you, sir.

So I was going to snark all over that. And then I saw this:



He's dashing, he's daring, he smells like...our new President. Three cheers for the bus driver, bus driver man.

When I heard he was going to do this, I had several reactions. First, I wondered at the vast sums of money that allowed him to buy all that time: he's raised over $600 million in less than 2 years. That's 600 million dollars. 600. Million. He has so much money he's buying ad space in video games. He has raised so much money he's funding the next bailout. Obama has brought in so much cash he's making it rain, and he can afford to actually create precipitation instead of just throwing singles at strippers.

The next thing I thought about was how unbelievably self-indulgent the ad could be. The possibility of a front-runner for leader of the free world, having most of the country's attention to say...what, exactly? Would he take a crap on a picture of John McCain on camera? Hell, with that kind of money, he could pay McCain himself to appear in person and be pooped on, and still have enough left over to sway undecided voters in Virginia. Or would it just be footage of him speaking in that sweet sweet baritone, as Nubian princesses rubbed baby oil over his chiseled torso? Either way, it wasn't going to be pretty, and might just be the bump McCain needs at this late date to get back into the race.

So I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't too self-aggrandizing, it wasn't all that messianic, and he wasn't on camera nearly as much as he could have been. And while I thought Bill Richardson's beard was pathetic, for the most part the endorsers were pretty good.

Was it a transformative experience? No. Do I think it will change people's minds? Sure, why not. If you thought Barack Obama was a Muslim socialist who eats the hearts and livers of gentle white folk while listening to Public Enemy and snorting blow off an American flag, then you might be persuaded by the video. And it put to shame McCain's increasingly nasty message, given that McCain and Palin came up exactly not at all. So in that sense it was a clear plus for Obama.

What I would have liked to see - and it would have been underhanded, dirty, and hilarious - is 27 minutes of backroom footage of Palin trashing her meal ticket, and criticizing his campaign strategy.

"Oh, dat old guy doesn't know his yass from his yelbow, donchaknow."

Lord, she's appalling. I know she's got lots of kids, and an adoring husband who loves her but hates America and wants Alaska to secede, but I really want her to catch a football with her nose, Marcia Brady-style. That would make my day.

Don't get all huffy and say she doesn't deserve it. She's earned the broken nose. Just ask John McCain.

8 days and counting

Need I remind you that there are 8 days between birth and circumcision?

That while 7, in the context of the world being created in 7 days, renders 8 as the supernatural, the "beyond worldly bounds?"

I think I do.

There are 8 days until Election Day. Some of you are angry because your candidate is old and likes boobs so much he made them his VP candidate. Some of you are strutting around like you forgot what racism is. And some of you are like me - terrified with a small but hardy center of quiet optimism.

Before I get to me, I want to say a few words about gridlock. If you think the government is bad, or at best incompetent, you want gridlock, so they can do nothing. This is George Bush's position, as dictated by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney: leave the government with nothing, and it can do nothing. Thus the free market reigns.

This is not how I roll. When the first whispers of an all Blue government arose someone asked me what I envisioned as a successful first term for Obama. Here's my list:

- Socialized healthcare. Not universal, socialized. Because we're socialists, and now we have all of the power. What are you going to do, suckas? Go wait in line for bread.

- Subsidized day care. Because more women working means more taxes coming in. Plus, as much as I have some problems with Hillary Clinton, there's something about a lady in a pantsuit...

- Does Hilary have one or two L's? Does she know? Does Bill? I bet Chelsea knows.

- A new GI bill. And not one based on 1945 costs, I'm talking free college for soldiers, and people who commit to an equivalent length of service to the country. And if the schools don't like it they're free to give up their Defense Department grants.

- North Dakota and South Dakota will be joined, and there shall be Dakota. Because really you're both useless as states, but it just wouldn't be fair to hand you over to Canada like you deserve.

- A commitment to alternative energy and infrastructure that includes internet access in every home. Where will all the money come from? What a silly question; we're Democrats! We're going to tax the shit out of rich people and corporations!

- For the first 100 days, every abortion in the country is free. Especially in Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Wyoming, South Carolina, Dakota and Texas. Not because we hate babies, but because we hate your babies, almost as much as you hate your women. Except Sarah Palin, but she's Tina Fey-sexy.

Sure, there are dozens of other important issues, like bailing out some more investment banks, or nationalizing the search for a cheap, safe hydrogen engine. But those things can wait until a second term.

Huts, Bears and election fatigue

I know, I'm sorry. I meant to post, but then I had this thing, and then my alarm was broken, and I got my foot caught in a bucket, and, well, anyway here I am.

This being the Jewish holiday season there just hasn't been all that much time to get my act together and write something, what with holidays coming every other day, and family flocking in and out. Rosh Hashannah - bam, the Balloon Man and his maiden fair. Succos comes, and the whole Fancy Pants Crew arrives, short one brother and one fiance and one dog. We really missed the dog (and of course the fiance and the brother. What are we, savages?).

Everyone has "their" holiday. Jesus has Christmas, seemingly everyone on my block has Halloween, Brother A shares Thanksgiving with the mighty Chocktaw tribe. Every Jewish mother has Passover, and if you want to share that's fine, just know that by taking their one week of glory you're breaking their heart, and the hearts of every mother who's ever slaved over a hot stove for the brisket you love so much. No, it's fine, take Passover. Here, here's my pancreas, do you want that too? How about my corneas, I hear they're worth lots of money in the black market.

Sorry, it's just that you can't channel a Jewish mother and stop after one guilt joke. You have to keep going until it's a whole thing.

Anyhoo, I've come to realize that Succos is my holiday. My family comes to stay with Wife Child and me, and every year I go out and I build a temporary structure with tarp and poles and bamboo mats. This year I had to get all new material, because for some reason I left my stuff in Boston, in Krazy's basement. Now he has two succahs. Surprise!

Let me say, for the record, that my succah this year was magnificent. The royal blue tarp set off the "holiday" lights perfectly, and the decorations purchased by the Old Rambling Man and the Mac Lady were beautifully done up. The weather held up, and our dining was phenomenal, if I do say so myself.

You may wonder, then, why I have provided no pictures of this glorious structure. That is an excellent question, reader. Give yourself a pat on the back! Round of applause for the astute reader! Huzzah! For s/he's a jolly good fellow, and all that!

Right. So the succah was blown over by a gigantic wolf looking for some piggies.

For all I know that could actually be the story, because I went out on Friday afternoon to set the table for the holy Sabbath, and lo and behold, the succah had fallen over. Tipped right over the table that Wife hates so much because it's huge and ugly. Yanked the nails right out of the 2X6's used as a base. Crushed all the pretty decorations. Sullied the royal blue tarp, which it turns out were actually quite effective sails. Next year we're entering the design into the America's Cup race.

So for next year I'll be taking suggestions on how to build my succah. And if you suggest a Kit, well then you can kiss my ass. I am a man: I have crafted the wheel, and invented fire. I can grow a mustache over the course of seven years. I can open jars with my bare hands.



So I'll use a kit for my next succah. Just as soon as I get my bikini line waxed.

Some of you may wonder why I didn't have anything rageful and hilarious to say about last week's Bears game, and Lovie Smith's squib kick decision. And I have to say, I was a little disappointed in myself for not taking the time. But then today happened, and now I feel like they're useful bookends on this season.

First, Neckbeard is playing way above his pay grade. WAY. What's with all the throwing? And the catching? And the yardage? Maybe it's secretly the Sex Cannon back there, but he's had a lobotomy, which since he's such an idiot in the first place it's actually made him a smarter player, and that's why whoever is under center is so good. Because otherwise, honestly, I have no idea what's going on.

Then there's the defense, the one that gave up the game-winning drive in Atlanta, and 41 points to the Vikings. Atlanta makes sense - three of our top four corners are injured (and yet somehow not Mike Brown, but it is still early in the season), and that's going to put a dent in anyone's Cover 2 defense. But 41 points to the Vikings? another 100+ yard game for Adrian Peterson the Greater? Not going to win many games like that, guys.

Finally, this is the second straight game that Kali Hester has gotten hurt on a return. He is our one reliable offensive threat, and yet Lovie keeps putting him in situations where he gets injured. How about larger pads? Or a gun, Last Boy Scout-style?



Either way, get him some blockers, man.

On a less funny note, I decided not to finish either of the books I was reading these past couple of weeks. Liberal Fascism and The Bulldozer and the Big Tent are so ridiculously biased and focused on right-left that they were equally insufferable. And that's sad, because I like Todd Gitlin. I think he's got great insight into modern media. But when it comes to politics he's just another Republican-hating liberal. Which is fine, I don't like them so much either, but I guess I'm just sick of all the election insanity. I mean, did you see the last debate? Obama is playing from so far ahead it will be a KKK miraKle if he loses. He knows it. McCain knows it. Hell, by this point I'm sure even Sarah Palin has figured it out, although her flow chart's probably written in crayon (sorry, forgot she's a lady. "Written in lipstick." Better?).

The whole debate was McCain trying with his wiggly eyebrows and awful, exaggerated facial expressions to get a rise out of Obama, and it didn't work at all. And do you know why? Because Obama is in the lead, and he's also not a whacked-out former POW who loses his temper at the drop of a hat.

Until, I don't know, there's some book that explains the current stock market train wreck in small words that I can understand, I'm not reading any books on politics. I'm going to read more books like Samedi the Deafness, with weird crazy plots with unreliable narrators who admit to being chronic liars. Fantastic and confusing. I have no idea if I "got it."

Happy 5769. Haha! That's funny, because 57 is a funny number. Because of Heinz, and ketchup, right? Ketchup! Hilarious.

If you're president and you know it raise your hands - oooh, sorry John. Debate #2, live from my couch

Wife has decided she's not going to vote for a man who can't wash his own hair. Although she's a bit freaked by Barack's flippity floppity ears, so it might come down to the wire.

Tom Brokaw has teeny tiny eyes. They make his face look massive.

At 4 minutes, Barack Obama made the first attack on McCain, associating him with George Bush. That didn't take long. Why not put him in the same picture as Atilla the Hun, get it over with?

That's right, I dropped Atilla the Hun on your unsuspecting ass. Where else are you going to go for that kind of hilarity?

Does John McCain know that buying all those bad mortgages will, you know, raise spending?

Does anyone still believe that McCain talking to Joe Lieberman means he's reaching across the aisle? He barely has to reach across the jacuzzi. Wow, that's a G-dawful image. Sorry.

Can we all admit that both McCain's and Obama's voting records are in favor and against earmarks? And they're for and against regulation?

I have fifteen open bottles of tequila, just waiting next to my computer. When the hell is John McCain going to say "maverick?" Screw it, I'm changing the game to drinking every time Obama says "middle class."

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and clean coal walk into a bar, and order beers from the bartender. Who gets served? Bin Laden, because the other three don't fucking exist.

The one disappointment I have about this debate is that Tina Fey won't show up. Golly gee whiz she's sassy.

Hasn't Tom Brokaw worked a debate before? Time limits are for Senate debates, Tommy. And how can you even see those lights with those beady eyes?

It's about 10 pm, and so far the most impressive thing that either candidate has said was John McCain's correct pronunciation of E-Bay. It's not as impressive now that his running mate tried to use it to give away her plane, but still, that's what we're dealing with here. For the love of G-d, guys! John, did you know Obama's been calling you a felon? Barack, don't you remember McCain's most recent ads are barely hidden racist propaganda, and he's constantly misstating your positions? Get angry! This is so damn boring.

So the economic discussion is over, and McCain hasn't collapsed into a quivering sweaty heap, so he wins. Now on to foreign policy, where McCain is strong, but no one cares because they're too worried about getting evicted from their homes.

"My friends, this nation is the greatest force for good in the history of the world. Ronald Reagan, reform, earmarks, he'll raise your taxes, I know war, I know victory in Vietnam, surge, steady hand on the tiller." That is your pull quote for John McCain.

What does it take to coddle a dictator? Are there fluffy bunnies and daffodils involved? Must we play with his footsy-wootsies? Does he get a bubble bath?

You have to admit, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" has a nice bounce to it.

Unfortunately for McCain, no one cares about Iraq anymore. Which is too bad, because someone should tell him that the surge is working - I don't think he's heard.

No, there won't be a cold war with Russia, because if they try to take back the Ukraine and Georgia, we're going to bomb the shit outta those Russky bastards. Yeah! America! If I could raise my arms I totally would!

(Patriotic note: I know why Senator McCain can't raise his arms, and all about his torture in Vietnam. He was a war hero, and suffered terribly. So here's what I'll do - if he doesn't mention his time as a POW again, I won't talk about his awkward gesturing.)

Wow, serious Israel question. But it neglects the fact that if Iran attacks Israel, Israel might just nuke them. Not that Israel has nuclear weapons or anything.

Dammit! We almost made it through the entire debate without someone dropping a g. "Scrimpin?" Really, Barack? You're leading by 8 points nationally. You're ahead in Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico. Do you really need, at this point, to be stealing tactics from Tina Fey?

We deal now with countries that most Americans can't find on the map. China, Russia, America... Oh, and John? Your generation saw the separation of the continents and the extinction of the dinosaurs by meteor, so I think these challenges are actually right in your wheelhouse. Because you're old, get it?

I've got to say, while McCain didn't lose his head, he didn't really get in any good shots at Obama, so McCain lost. But maybe now we'll get to see another one of those patented Krazy McCain Kampaign strategies. I'm hoping he decides to stop referring to Obama by name, and just calls him "The Great Brown Harbinger of Death and Higher Taxes," which of course he will declare while in blackface.

What is sexier, Kyle Orton's neckbeard, or Ann Coulter's long shapely legs?

Yesterday history occurred: Neckbeard threw for more than 2 touchdowns in an opponent's stadium. This is what is defined as a pass-happy attack in Chicago. As long as we keep winning 34-7, though, I'm pretty ok with the outcome.

Everyone got in on this one, as they should have. Playing the Lions is really just about stat-padding until they wash the Millen stink off their franchise. Alex Brown was a monster, Forte ran and caught and did not fumble - all three indicators that he is not Cedric Benson - and Kali caught a TD pass, which is a nice change from having to weave through all 11 defenders himself.

That's...that's all I've got on the game. What? When the Bears play well, there's not much to say. They didn't squeak it out despite 4 turnovers like they did against the Eagles, and even though the Lions are in the NFC North, they're not really a rival. To be a rival they'd have to play football, and not Whiny Bitch Brigade, which I'm told is what the Cubs are playing these days (my love for Chicago extends into Soldier's Field and a little bit into Skokie, and that's about it).

Meanwhile I'm halfway through my conservative reading, and what I've learned most is how conservatives think of liberals. Jonah Goldberg is very much caught up in what liberals and conservatives use to name their policies and selves. His argument, if I understand it correctly, is to say that all of the things that liberals today hate, and refer to as fascist? They started out as left-wing ideas. That leads to the fear of conservatives, which is that all those awful policies will come back under the guise of contemporary liberal politics. "See?" Goldberg says, "All those things you hate about us? Well, well, you did them first, so there! Thbbbbpttttt."

The problem is the difference in the way liberals and conservatives look at the past. Liberals, or progressives, are constantly looking for change, and new ideas, for good or bad. They tend to give less weight to the past, and historical evidence. Conservatives by definition are on the other side of the coin. They like how things were, and aren't all that big on change - hence, "conservative." And that's what makes them racist, or chauvinist, or what-have-you - because racism and sexism and prejudice were all okay in the past. And if you want things to be the way they were, and not change, then you have to answer for all those things you think are so great.

I really thought I wouldn't make it through Ann Coulter's book. I admit I never brought it out of my house. I was embarassed to carry it, even though it's a library book so she didn't get any royalties or anything. I didn't know that "If Democrats..." was basically a greatest-hits collection of her pull-quotes on everything from Bill Clinton to abortion. So in structure it was not unlike a book by George Carlin, or Jerry Seinfeld.

Brother A and I talked about who would be Bizarro Ann Coulter, the left-wing equivalent of her fire-breathing anti-choice madness. All we could come up with was David Cross, the stand-up comedian.

But here's the thing: Ann Coulter is not funny. She thinks she is, but she isn't. So the outrageous things she says are just insane and inflammatory, as opposed to the crazy things David Cross says that are jokes, and thus laughed at.

There are a couple reasons I came up with for why Ann Coulter isn't funny:

1) She's hot. Not drop-dead model style, but I have no problem saying that I would have sex with Ann Coulter. She's got a great body. She can yell whatever crazy crap comes into her head while she's naked, and it wouldn't matter much, because she probably looks pretty good naked. And therefore, she's never had to be funny until she wanted to be for her career, or to get on TV. And now that she's trying, it doesn't really work. Less talking, more nudity, Ann.

2) She's religious, and completely unconflicted by it. You can be a religious comic. Wasn't Bill Hicks a reverend? Doesn't Stephen Colbert go to Mass every week? But those guys are conflicted about their religion. And if they're not, their personae have no problem mocking religion in general, and sacrificing some seriousness for laughs. Coulter, though, has no sense of humor about religion, or Jesus, or the Catholic church. That's why it's not funny when she says that Bill Clinton should die - according to the Bible, she's completely right to say that. That makes her religious; it also makes her not funny.

3) She seems sincere. If she doesn't actually believe what she says, she'd almost be better off being more transparent about it. But I don't believe she's insincere, because then her entire career would be a performance piece, a work of art to rival any of the great masterpieces of human history. Hers would be the Taj Mahal of performance art. And she's just not that good. And therefore, again: not funny.

4) She goes back to the same well too often. Ann Coulter has three jokes: Bill Clinton and blowjobs, Ted Kennedy and drunk driving/murder, and liberals are godless traitors. Boring. Mix it up, Ann! If you're too predictable, then you won't be funny. Unless your audience is staring at your boobs. But fortunately for us liberals, we've been rigorously trained by our coconspirators the feminists not to stare at womyn's chests while we're talking to them, so your powers have no effect on us.

And maybe that's why we don't think you're funny.

What'd I miss? And G-d Bless Eleska

I've was out of town, and then celebrating the new year, which is the Year of the Kreplach. Meanwhile, I stop blogging, and the whole world goes to hell. Financial markets crash, Sarah Palin puts together a coherent sentence, the Brewers make the playoffs, Child develops a crazy multicolor rash from putting everything within reach into his mouth...a simple e-mail would have sufficed, Planet Earth.

But first things first: last night's vice presidential debate blew. Boooorrrring. Biden didn't call Palin "little lady," and Palin didn't freeze at the first mention of Afghanistan. Sure, she was tight, but this is just the fourth time she's appeared before a camera, right? I mean, she wasn't a news anchor or anything. She hasn't held any sort of executive position before, you know?

She used the word "maverick" almost as often as she talked about "how we do tings up dere, in Eleska." She was like a Bears Superfan, except without the gigantic swinging belly.



Biden, for his part, did not snort in derision, at least into the microphone. And he also didn't screw up too many facts, which is a nice switch for him. But all he had to do was not get in the way of the McCain snowball, now gaining force as it rumbles further down the mountain.

If I could sum up the past few weeks of polling, it would go thusly: "Huh, Palin is a chick! And she's hot! That's cool, I like hot chicks. Whoa, when she opens her mouth, she sounds like George Bush. I may be drunk, and about to have the bank foreclose on my house, and watching my nest egg disappear by the second, but I don't think I like George Bush. Let me get out my 401- wait, where did that go? Well let me check my medical insur- no, can't afford that either. Wow, Bush is a DICK! Palin must be a dick too!"

So that's settled.

I went to business school as an undergrad, majored in finance. So everyone in my major classes wanted to be an investment banker, because that's where the money was. Lots and lots of money, for lots of crazy hours, but hey, it's a buttload of money, right?

And now the investment banks are gone. Sure, Goldman is still there, and JP Morgan, but they're not i-banks anymore. Now they're... something else, I guess. Either way, I just feel bad for the guys coming out of my program this year. Where will they go if they want to be gigantic douches? Not everyone can be a hedge fund manager, and accounting is not nearly so flashy. And law school, while rife with douche, takes more work, and Daddy only said he'd pay for college, so that cuts out grad school.

I guess the thing we should be concerned about is all that douche overflowing into other sectors of the economy. So if you're parking valet gets all snooty about parking your Civic, just take a few breaths before stiffing him on his tip. Remember, just a month ago he was making 500K and snorting coke off silicon tits in a Soho martini bar.

I'm not going to even bother going into the whole collapse, mostly because I have no idea whether it was because of deregulation or encouragement by the government of banks to increase their subprime mortgage business so poorer people could own their own homes. All I know is that the market lost $1.2 trillion dollars of imaginary value last week, and that's not a good thing.

So if you could all check under your imaginary couches, and in the depths of your pretend purses and dream glove compartments, I'm sure we can find that money. Maybe we can even give some of it back to my old classmates. I don't know about you, but I'd like the guy parking my car not to have a death wish.

How do Republicans spell President? P-O-W. RNC, Day 3.

It's not a Republican gathering until old white people start dancing to "Celebration." And...done. It's sexy, but for my grandpa.

I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.

Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)

"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?

Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.

Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.

It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.

Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)

Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)

Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.

The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.

Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)

When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.

The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.

Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!

Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.

Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.

Yay culture of life! Yay war!

It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.

How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.

If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.

Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.

FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.

Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.

McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.

ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.

Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!

I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.

I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.

McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.

Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.

Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!

NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.

"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"

America, F*** Yeah! - RNC, Day 2

I'm switching tonight from CNN to C-Span, because I want to actually hear the speeches. First up - America's Mayor and America's Cross-Dresser, Rudolph Giuliani.

Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?

I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.

Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.

It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?

Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.

Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).

C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?

Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.

Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.

"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.

Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).

Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.

What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?

Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?

I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.

Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.

A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.

No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?

Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.

Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.

Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?

Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.

Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.

Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).

How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?

Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!

Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.

Were there visual aids at the DNC?

Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.

Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.

Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.

Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.

I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.

Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?

Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.

And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.

She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.

I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.

Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?

I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.

Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!

The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.

Day 1- I mean 2, in the uberhip Minnesota environs

I really did want to liveblog the RNC like I did with the DNC last week. Really. But Wife and I had to paint our new apartment. And unlike other couples, we don't just talk about improving our new digs - we actually go out and do it. Some people may sit down on a Sunday morning over their mimosas and New York Times and talk about colors and brushes and whatnot. Only the Pants Wearer and his intrepid spouse put family values and warm inviting color schemes over politics. Let's see my opponent do that.

I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.

Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.

President Bush:

I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."

Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.

Fred Thompson:

experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.

Joey Jewy Lieberman:

The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

My lovely lady Hump Day: Day 3

Fantastically planned move to have Hillary stop the roll call vote and have an "acclamation" in favor of Obama, which is basically the honorable way of saying "sure, I know I got more delegates, now that Florida and Michigan are here. But I will be run out on a rail if this goes on. And something tells me I'm going to be back here in 4 to 8 years."

And Bill Clinton the mensch! Whodathunkit? He could have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble if he'd just stopped being a prick five months ago. Who knows? Maybe then Hillary would be speaking on Thursday.

That, by the way, is my new favorite "thrown under the bus" idiom. Not "she'd be the Democratic presidential candidate," but "she'd be speaking on Thursday." It works in other situations, too. "Did you hear Morris got promoted to Regional Director? Man, I knew he was ready to speak on Thursday, but I didn't think it would be this soon. What a dick." "Oh, honey, straight A's! Well look who's going to be speaking on Thursday!" Admittedly the meaning gets lost in there at some point. But I'm going to break it out randomly, see if it plays.

The movie about the soldiers is poignant, and inspiring. What else am I supposed to say? That Speilberg hasn't made a truly great movie in years? That Schindler's List was overrated? Excuse me while I go outside and drown some puppies.

Why is it that only CNN gets to be in the building? Why does Chris Matthews have to fight off hoboes to do his show? Aside from him being a gigantic tool, I mean (there's a guy who's never going to speak on Thursday. ZING!). But you don't think it would make great television to have him inside, trapped for hours with all those former Clinton supporters? He'd have lost a testicle by this morning, at the latest.

I was just thinking to myself this morning that McCain should announce his VP candidate this week, and lo and behold! Who's wicked smart? Yeah, the guy over here in the pants. That's right.

What if Biden declines the nomination? Would that not be the biggest hoot?

Who is Quincy Lucas? Whoever she is, she LOVES Joe Biden. Yaaaayyyyy! Forget Michael Buffer, I want Quincy Lucas announcing my entry into any and all rooms from now on.

Sure, he was elected by acclamation, but I love the insertion of pointy-headed regulation-talk to make things official. Further proof that the Democrats, despite their celebrity candidate, are still the party of nerds.

If you're going to name your son Beau, you better have another one named Luke. And you better buy them an orange muscle car with a Confederate flag on the roof. And convince them to run moonshine past that evil, sweaty Boss Hog.

Have I not been paying attention before? Do all public speakers lick their lips? Because if that's the case, it's a lot less disgusting than I thought. Wait - no, it still looks all snake-y. Buy some chapstick, drink some water.

Is it really that big a deal that Biden takes the train home every night to Delaware? Housing prices are insane in the District. Or is it that he's not flying? Does this make him the first green Vice President?

McCain has a lot of friends. All kinds of Democrats claim him as a friend. But if all my friends got together and trashed me in a convention-like format, I would find some new friends.

"That's not change, that's more of the same!" I love cheers! Whoa, there are even signs! Someone's looking to speak on Thursday (see? It's catching on, you'll see).

The crowd is just looking for something, anything to chant. If Joe Biden wanted to bring the house down, he'd start "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?" And that would be the greatest convention moment in history.

Biden clocked in at under a half hour. Now that's change you can believe in.

Wait, what's that? Is that...why, that's Barack Obama's music! What's he doing at the Democratic convention?

Joe Biden's speech was good, but there is no doubt whatsoever about who's speaking on Thursday. Barack Obama makes me want to find some old white Vietnam veteran and kick him in the shrapnel.

DNC Day 2: this time, it's...Tuesday

A quick note from last night. It turns out that Michelle Obama's dress was green, not blue. There are two ways to look at this: the first is that I obviously failed kindergarten. The second is that maybe she was making a very subtle point - green is the new blue. Does that mean the Democrats are now the Green Earth Party?

Mark Warner's lips are very chapped. He keeps licking them. And an interesting point from the Old Rambling Man: "Democrats aren't as good looking as Republicans." I don't know what this means for the Democratic party. But he's not wrong.

Joe Biden's daughters? Genetically engineered Aryan hotties. Is that how they're grown in Delaware? Why am I only finding out about this now? I could have been rejected by all kinds of hot blond chicks!

I'm sorry, I'm not going to watch all of Ted Strickland's speech. On Comedy Central Lewis Black is spitting his rage-filled anger, and that's more interesting than some governor.

And...I'm back.

Bill Clinton is taking his time getting to his seat. Maybe it's because Deval Patrick is speaking, and Clinton is sitting so far away he thinks he's snubbing Obama. Oh wait, I just read he's skipping Obama's speech. Stay classy, Bill.

I'm forgoing links during the convention because I'm "liveblogging," which means I'm too lazy to give these posts any sort of editing or fanciness, despite the site's name. I guess I could tell you that the pants I'm wearing are fancy, but I'm not actually wearing pants.

I think I'd move to Montana just to have Brian Schweitzer as my governnor. He's awesome. From his shuckling to his bolo tie, he's like Cowboy Santa. No, this is better - he's Frank Caliendo! Except he isn't a drooling idiot. The pointing, the jokes about McCain's houses: he's on fire! He should have picked a state people have heard of.

When I grow up I want to be a Petrodictator.

With all this talk about Hillary's awful singing voice, I kinda want to hear it. Just to know, you know?

I thought Chelsea was a redhead. Maybe her hair just looks blond against her mom's orange suit. Not really a power color, more "look at me! Look at ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!"

Bill Clinton's brain: "why isn't Hillary a proud wife? Oh, right, I forgot."

If I was ever to attend a presidential convention, I'd definitely be one of those whackos with the buttons and the hats and the bumper stickers everywhere.

Michelle Obama's brain: "Just stay on message Hillary. I don't want to have to bust your ass on live TV."

"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits?" Catchy. They should write a crappy book and some crappy movies using that phrase.

Hillary's speech sounds, well, presidential. Anytime now she's going to get around to Obama, right? Right?

Ah, there it is. Only took 10 minutes. Not bad.

Say what you will about Clinton, but she's put more substance in her speech of support than anyone else has so far.

Fifteen minutes in, her first mention of Bill. Snuck it in just under the wire.

I would bet that Clinton is still speaking, but the Daily Show is on, and I need to know what's going on at the convention.

Denver = Changing hope into butterflies and sunshine

I like the Joe Biden pick. I think he'll reassure Americans who are uncertain whether Obama shares American values, like whiteness and not-blackness. "Don't worry," Biden says to the silent vast American majority, "sure, Obama is black, but I'm here, and I'm white. Super-pale, Delaware-style white. The kind of white you only get in Wal-Mart, or on an albino buttock."

Also, there's his foreign policy experience, complementing blah blah blah.

Michelle Obama is speaking now, and the only thing that got a bigger applause than her mention of Biden is her shout-out to Hillary Clinton. Because from one angry woman to another, that sort of public recognition really means something.

Random thoughts about her speech:

- she's got crazy strong shoulders. Like former swimmer style. She could totally kick Cindy McCain's ass in a Jell-O wrestling match.

- CNN's camerawork is awful. Cameras boucing everywhere, and the sound is mixed way up so the ovations make the speakers shudder.

- I think I've made it pretty clear that I support Obama, but if I hear the word "hope" after November 4, I'm going to punch someone.

- I know less about fashion than I do about string theory, but even I can tell that Michelle's blue shirt clashes with the blue background. She's like a disembodied head with linebacker shoulders.

- Is it wrong of me to imagine Michelle Obama with an afro, and to prefer that to her actual hairdo? Does that make me racist?

- Michelle is a good speaker, but she forgets to wait for laughter and applause. I think it's because she knows the jokes are cheesy, and people are only laughing because they paid thousands of dollars, and they're going to fucking laugh whenever they want.

- A lot of people in the audience are crying. Would I also break down into tears of relief and joy if a Jew were the presidential candidate of a major political party? I think I would, if someone kicked me in the testicles. I would cry many, many tears.

- Where is Obama that he has to appear by satellite? Does he really have better things to do? Or is he getting that last intravenous injection of HOPE from the scientists who genetically engineered him? What the hell is he doing in Kansas City? And who the hell are the Gerardos? Are they another Obama family friend who hates America? Because that would be a bad choice for a visit just before the convention. I'm no genius, but even I know that.

- That last bit? With his daughters talking to him, and he can't respond because he can't hear them? But they keep making cute comments? Just as annoying as eavesdropping on a spotty cell phone conversation.

"Where am I? In Kansas City. Kansas City! Who? Malia? Is that you? Sasha? Did - Malia, don't hit your sister. Sasha? Are you - Michelle? Did you - did you finish the speech? Is everyone - is there clapping? Michelle, you didn't tell the Mexico story, did you? Sasha, it's your bedti - What's that? Can you hear me now?"

I hate that guy.

I've got gigantic blue balls

OK, maybe the title was a little...jarring, but I really think I need your attention on this. Ever since Barack Obama won the Democratic presidential nomination, there has been a flurry of skittish paranoid - pardon the candor - pussiness.

It culminated recently with this New Yorker cover, which you can find here, but I can't seem to show the actual cover because I'm not so secretly an idiot.

This set off a flurry of craziness, laid out quite well here.

All of this makes me kind of want to vomit. I've had to talk other Democrat supporters off the ledge because of the Rev. Wright thing, the black thing, the Indonesia thing, the black thing. And I will admit, as Hendrik Hertzberg does, that the telecom immunity thing was a kneecapper. That one hurt. It was a baldfaced political move, designed to show he's "tough on terror," and easy on big business. The fact that his vote wouldn't have mattered one way or the other made it almost too easy.

So sure, liberals are upset. They're nervous. And not like 4 years ago, when they were afraid because their - OK, our - candidate was a sad sack of elitist, out-of-touch robot man. It's weird to be the frontrunner, huh? Everyone out to get you, your opponent pulling out all the stops just to take you down a peg or two. Not like last time, when...they...didn't...with the...Swift Boat...right. Nevermind.

But I'm going to put a stop to this, right here. Get off your collective khaki'd ass, Democrats. Barack Obama is a fantastic candidate. Smart, well-spoken, tall. He has great floppy ears. His wife is hot and spicy, and gives a mean pound.

Fist bump, people. That means fist pump.

And I know this didn't help us last time, but it has to be mentioned for the record: one of the best things about Senator Barack Obama as our Democratic presidential candidate is that he's not Senator John McCain. And watch, I can do this without mentioning that McCain is so very very old.

McCain - doesn't support off-shore drilling for oil. Wait, sorry, he does now, never mind. He wants to repeal the tax cuts that favor the wealthy. No, sorry, he's now in favor of making those cuts permanent. Which hey, that's cool, I like rich people. It's just that there are all those poor people, and they seem kinda important too, so maybe we should throw them a bone, or universal healthcare. Poor people, for the purposes of this post, is defined as anyone making less than $250,000.

McCain has an awful temper that makes him volatile in stressful situations. He's pro-life, he's a proponent of maintaining the war on drugs, and he's backed off of every reasonable position he's ever held, including illegal immigration. His solutions for global warming, social security, and health care are complicated: "hey, let's let corporations handle it! Then we can focus on what government does best - killing and oppressing people who aren't American. Unless they're Muslim, in which case full body cavity searches for everyone.

Yes, that's a tad heavy-handed. But you know what? Screw them. We own this election. We're going to put a Democrat in the White House - a black constitutional law professor. A liberal. An elitist, in that he's better than you, me, and anyone else you or I know. He's going to wipe the floor with McCain. It will be embarassing - first white man to lose a presidential election to a black guy and all.

So stop whining! This should be a 4 1/2-month party. Because unless Osama Bin Laden is the October surprise, McCain is going to go wee wee wee all the way home.

Well this is just disturbing.

I've got nothing to say about this except you should read it. Then we should all head off en masse and find out where we too can sue George.

And America goes 3 for 3 this week, and No Fear Players of the Week

I've long given up on the United States Executive branch. Sure, Scott McLellan comes out with his memoir, and that's important. But it changes nothing. So for the past few months I've been ignoring the President and his puppeteer Cheney.

But I still held out hope for the other two governmental branches. After all, Congress is Democratic, and that counts for something, right? And the Supreme Court, well sometimes Justice Kennedy is a liberal, so hooray for that!

And then Congress gives the telecom companies a gigantic blowjob, and on the same day that they get the death penalty right, The Supremes go Dick Cheney on the Alaskan ecosystem.



I can swallow the cave-in by Congress. The Democrats are used to giving in, so this was more of a habit than anything else. Plus it has the added advantage of looking tough on terror in an election year, so hooorah. Hell, it even prompted Saint Obama to vote in favor of immunity. But the Supreme Court? It was Justice Kennedy's week to be a liberal! Ginsberg was fixin' for a fight! Souter got to stay up past 9! But no. Instead they gave away $2 billion that was due Alaska. Whatever, it's not like there were pictures, right? Wait a minute...















On the flip side, this does give us cause to celebrate our No Fear Players of the Week. Sens. Chris Dodd, Rusty Feingold (Wisconsin, Heyo!) and Barbie Boxer. I'm not going to give it up for the liberal Supremes, partially because Diana Ross still won't take them back as her backups, and also because David Souter still lives with his mother, so he cannot, by definition, be a No Fear Player. Ever.

The supposedly Democratic Senate has rolled over and offered itself up for abuse by the Bush administration too many times to count, and it's getting a little nauseous in here. So kudos to the actual Senate Democrats - Boxer, Feingold and Dodd - for having the stones to vote their party's platform. The rest of you spineless power whores can kiss my ass.