24 hours from now I will be drunk. It will either be a wonderful, champagne-bath-style drunkenness, or a miserable "dammit 4 more years of white people" drunkenness. Either way, I love beer.
2 years! We've been reading about these two men for 24 months, 104 weeks. And it's only been a couple of months with Governor Yokel, but it's seemed like decades. I can't even handle Tina Fey's impression of her anymore, I want to smack both of them.
I'm not going to link to any of the recent articles. I'm not going to refer to time spent as a community organizer, or a POW. I'm not going to talk about reverends, or Alaskan secession, or plagiarizing British parliamentarians of the 1980's.
All I'm going to say is that you should vote tomorrow. But I'm not going to get all mushy and "hooray for the process!" like the fifteen e-mails I got today from people who are just trying to be up for democracy.
If you're going to vote for John McCain, curl up with your favorite Matlock rerun, and stay the fuck home.
Like I said before, I'm not rehashing the reasons you should vote for Obama. If you don't know them already, then you're either a hermit or opening up the newest KKK chapter in your area (franchising is a wonderful way to support your community, folks!). And if someone asks you who you voted for, it is not in fact private. Shouldn't you be proud of your vote? Shout it from the rooftops! Own it! If you're afraid of change or black people or someone who's smarter and more charismatic than you, just say so. Or if you hate old people and Vietnam veterans and soldiers in general, and think Jeremiah Wright was criticized just because he was speaking truth to power, then you should be proud of that, too.
Either way, vote for Barack Obama. You know you should.
Oh, and the Bears beat the Lions. Shocker. Even without the Neckbeard, and with the Sex Cannon leading the charge, it was still Matt Forte carrying us all home in his warm embrace. What a man.
Programming note: I wanted to liveblog tomorrow night, but it turns out I have friends and am going to watch the returns with them. I'll try to remember each sizzling hilarious detail of the evening, but as mentioned above I shall be trashed, so don't expect Shakespeare. But do expect random appearances by unicorns, Alan Greenspan, and a few former popes. Happy Election Day!
Showing posts with label throw your vote away. Show all posts
Showing posts with label throw your vote away. Show all posts
Monday, November 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Once you go black...
I was all set to write about my No Fear Player of the Month, Senator Ted Stevens, R-AK, who was found guilty on 7 felony counts of corruption and bribery. What makes him so gosh-darn indefatigable is that he is persisting in his Senate campaign. And because it's Alaska, home of rocks, oil, and Governor Tina Fey, he may be the first senator ever to serve his term from a jail cell. So hoorah to you, sir.
So I was going to snark all over that. And then I saw this:
He's dashing, he's daring, he smells like...our new President. Three cheers for the bus driver, bus driver man.
When I heard he was going to do this, I had several reactions. First, I wondered at the vast sums of money that allowed him to buy all that time: he's raised over $600 million in less than 2 years. That's 600 million dollars. 600. Million. He has so much money he's buying ad space in video games. He has raised so much money he's funding the next bailout. Obama has brought in so much cash he's making it rain, and he can afford to actually create precipitation instead of just throwing singles at strippers.
The next thing I thought about was how unbelievably self-indulgent the ad could be. The possibility of a front-runner for leader of the free world, having most of the country's attention to say...what, exactly? Would he take a crap on a picture of John McCain on camera? Hell, with that kind of money, he could pay McCain himself to appear in person and be pooped on, and still have enough left over to sway undecided voters in Virginia. Or would it just be footage of him speaking in that sweet sweet baritone, as Nubian princesses rubbed baby oil over his chiseled torso? Either way, it wasn't going to be pretty, and might just be the bump McCain needs at this late date to get back into the race.
So I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't too self-aggrandizing, it wasn't all that messianic, and he wasn't on camera nearly as much as he could have been. And while I thought Bill Richardson's beard was pathetic, for the most part the endorsers were pretty good.
Was it a transformative experience? No. Do I think it will change people's minds? Sure, why not. If you thought Barack Obama was a Muslim socialist who eats the hearts and livers of gentle white folk while listening to Public Enemy and snorting blow off an American flag, then you might be persuaded by the video. And it put to shame McCain's increasingly nasty message, given that McCain and Palin came up exactly not at all. So in that sense it was a clear plus for Obama.
What I would have liked to see - and it would have been underhanded, dirty, and hilarious - is 27 minutes of backroom footage of Palin trashing her meal ticket, and criticizing his campaign strategy.
"Oh, dat old guy doesn't know his yass from his yelbow, donchaknow."
Lord, she's appalling. I know she's got lots of kids, and an adoring husband who loves her but hates America and wants Alaska to secede, but I really want her to catch a football with her nose, Marcia Brady-style. That would make my day.
Don't get all huffy and say she doesn't deserve it. She's earned the broken nose. Just ask John McCain.
So I was going to snark all over that. And then I saw this:
He's dashing, he's daring, he smells like...our new President. Three cheers for the bus driver, bus driver man.
When I heard he was going to do this, I had several reactions. First, I wondered at the vast sums of money that allowed him to buy all that time: he's raised over $600 million in less than 2 years. That's 600 million dollars. 600. Million. He has so much money he's buying ad space in video games. He has raised so much money he's funding the next bailout. Obama has brought in so much cash he's making it rain, and he can afford to actually create precipitation instead of just throwing singles at strippers.
The next thing I thought about was how unbelievably self-indulgent the ad could be. The possibility of a front-runner for leader of the free world, having most of the country's attention to say...what, exactly? Would he take a crap on a picture of John McCain on camera? Hell, with that kind of money, he could pay McCain himself to appear in person and be pooped on, and still have enough left over to sway undecided voters in Virginia. Or would it just be footage of him speaking in that sweet sweet baritone, as Nubian princesses rubbed baby oil over his chiseled torso? Either way, it wasn't going to be pretty, and might just be the bump McCain needs at this late date to get back into the race.
So I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't too self-aggrandizing, it wasn't all that messianic, and he wasn't on camera nearly as much as he could have been. And while I thought Bill Richardson's beard was pathetic, for the most part the endorsers were pretty good.
Was it a transformative experience? No. Do I think it will change people's minds? Sure, why not. If you thought Barack Obama was a Muslim socialist who eats the hearts and livers of gentle white folk while listening to Public Enemy and snorting blow off an American flag, then you might be persuaded by the video. And it put to shame McCain's increasingly nasty message, given that McCain and Palin came up exactly not at all. So in that sense it was a clear plus for Obama.
What I would have liked to see - and it would have been underhanded, dirty, and hilarious - is 27 minutes of backroom footage of Palin trashing her meal ticket, and criticizing his campaign strategy.
"Oh, dat old guy doesn't know his yass from his yelbow, donchaknow."
Lord, she's appalling. I know she's got lots of kids, and an adoring husband who loves her but hates America and wants Alaska to secede, but I really want her to catch a football with her nose, Marcia Brady-style. That would make my day.
Don't get all huffy and say she doesn't deserve it. She's earned the broken nose. Just ask John McCain.
Monday, October 27, 2008
8 days and counting
Need I remind you that there are 8 days between birth and circumcision?
That while 7, in the context of the world being created in 7 days, renders 8 as the supernatural, the "beyond worldly bounds?"
I think I do.
There are 8 days until Election Day. Some of you are angry because your candidate is old and likes boobs so much he made them his VP candidate. Some of you are strutting around like you forgot what racism is. And some of you are like me - terrified with a small but hardy center of quiet optimism.
Before I get to me, I want to say a few words about gridlock. If you think the government is bad, or at best incompetent, you want gridlock, so they can do nothing. This is George Bush's position, as dictated by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney: leave the government with nothing, and it can do nothing. Thus the free market reigns.
This is not how I roll. When the first whispers of an all Blue government arose someone asked me what I envisioned as a successful first term for Obama. Here's my list:
- Socialized healthcare. Not universal, socialized. Because we're socialists, and now we have all of the power. What are you going to do, suckas? Go wait in line for bread.
- Subsidized day care. Because more women working means more taxes coming in. Plus, as much as I have some problems with Hillary Clinton, there's something about a lady in a pantsuit...
- Does Hilary have one or two L's? Does she know? Does Bill? I bet Chelsea knows.
- A new GI bill. And not one based on 1945 costs, I'm talking free college for soldiers, and people who commit to an equivalent length of service to the country. And if the schools don't like it they're free to give up their Defense Department grants.
- North Dakota and South Dakota will be joined, and there shall be Dakota. Because really you're both useless as states, but it just wouldn't be fair to hand you over to Canada like you deserve.
- A commitment to alternative energy and infrastructure that includes internet access in every home. Where will all the money come from? What a silly question; we're Democrats! We're going to tax the shit out of rich people and corporations!
- For the first 100 days, every abortion in the country is free. Especially in Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Wyoming, South Carolina, Dakota and Texas. Not because we hate babies, but because we hate your babies, almost as much as you hate your women. Except Sarah Palin, but she's Tina Fey-sexy.
Sure, there are dozens of other important issues, like bailing out some more investment banks, or nationalizing the search for a cheap, safe hydrogen engine. But those things can wait until a second term.
That while 7, in the context of the world being created in 7 days, renders 8 as the supernatural, the "beyond worldly bounds?"
I think I do.
There are 8 days until Election Day. Some of you are angry because your candidate is old and likes boobs so much he made them his VP candidate. Some of you are strutting around like you forgot what racism is. And some of you are like me - terrified with a small but hardy center of quiet optimism.
Before I get to me, I want to say a few words about gridlock. If you think the government is bad, or at best incompetent, you want gridlock, so they can do nothing. This is George Bush's position, as dictated by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney: leave the government with nothing, and it can do nothing. Thus the free market reigns.
This is not how I roll. When the first whispers of an all Blue government arose someone asked me what I envisioned as a successful first term for Obama. Here's my list:
- Socialized healthcare. Not universal, socialized. Because we're socialists, and now we have all of the power. What are you going to do, suckas? Go wait in line for bread.
- Subsidized day care. Because more women working means more taxes coming in. Plus, as much as I have some problems with Hillary Clinton, there's something about a lady in a pantsuit...
- Does Hilary have one or two L's? Does she know? Does Bill? I bet Chelsea knows.
- A new GI bill. And not one based on 1945 costs, I'm talking free college for soldiers, and people who commit to an equivalent length of service to the country. And if the schools don't like it they're free to give up their Defense Department grants.
- North Dakota and South Dakota will be joined, and there shall be Dakota. Because really you're both useless as states, but it just wouldn't be fair to hand you over to Canada like you deserve.
- A commitment to alternative energy and infrastructure that includes internet access in every home. Where will all the money come from? What a silly question; we're Democrats! We're going to tax the shit out of rich people and corporations!
- For the first 100 days, every abortion in the country is free. Especially in Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Wyoming, South Carolina, Dakota and Texas. Not because we hate babies, but because we hate your babies, almost as much as you hate your women. Except Sarah Palin, but she's Tina Fey-sexy.
Sure, there are dozens of other important issues, like bailing out some more investment banks, or nationalizing the search for a cheap, safe hydrogen engine. But those things can wait until a second term.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Huts, Bears and election fatigue
I know, I'm sorry. I meant to post, but then I had this thing, and then my alarm was broken, and I got my foot caught in a bucket, and, well, anyway here I am.
This being the Jewish holiday season there just hasn't been all that much time to get my act together and write something, what with holidays coming every other day, and family flocking in and out. Rosh Hashannah - bam, the Balloon Man and his maiden fair. Succos comes, and the whole Fancy Pants Crew arrives, short one brother and one fiance and one dog. We really missed the dog (and of course the fiance and the brother. What are we, savages?).
Everyone has "their" holiday. Jesus has Christmas, seemingly everyone on my block has Halloween, Brother A shares Thanksgiving with the mighty Chocktaw tribe. Every Jewish mother has Passover, and if you want to share that's fine, just know that by taking their one week of glory you're breaking their heart, and the hearts of every mother who's ever slaved over a hot stove for the brisket you love so much. No, it's fine, take Passover. Here, here's my pancreas, do you want that too? How about my corneas, I hear they're worth lots of money in the black market.
Sorry, it's just that you can't channel a Jewish mother and stop after one guilt joke. You have to keep going until it's a whole thing.
Anyhoo, I've come to realize that Succos is my holiday. My family comes to stay with Wife Child and me, and every year I go out and I build a temporary structure with tarp and poles and bamboo mats. This year I had to get all new material, because for some reason I left my stuff in Boston, in Krazy's basement. Now he has two succahs. Surprise!
Let me say, for the record, that my succah this year was magnificent. The royal blue tarp set off the "holiday" lights perfectly, and the decorations purchased by the Old Rambling Man and the Mac Lady were beautifully done up. The weather held up, and our dining was phenomenal, if I do say so myself.
You may wonder, then, why I have provided no pictures of this glorious structure. That is an excellent question, reader. Give yourself a pat on the back! Round of applause for the astute reader! Huzzah! For s/he's a jolly good fellow, and all that!
Right. So the succah was blown over by a gigantic wolf looking for some piggies.
For all I know that could actually be the story, because I went out on Friday afternoon to set the table for the holy Sabbath, and lo and behold, the succah had fallen over. Tipped right over the table that Wife hates so much because it's huge and ugly. Yanked the nails right out of the 2X6's used as a base. Crushed all the pretty decorations. Sullied the royal blue tarp, which it turns out were actually quite effective sails. Next year we're entering the design into the America's Cup race.
So for next year I'll be taking suggestions on how to build my succah. And if you suggest a Kit, well then you can kiss my ass. I am a man: I have crafted the wheel, and invented fire. I can grow a mustache over the course of seven years. I can open jars with my bare hands.
So I'll use a kit for my next succah. Just as soon as I get my bikini line waxed.
Some of you may wonder why I didn't have anything rageful and hilarious to say about last week's Bears game, and Lovie Smith's squib kick decision. And I have to say, I was a little disappointed in myself for not taking the time. But then today happened, and now I feel like they're useful bookends on this season.
First, Neckbeard is playing way above his pay grade. WAY. What's with all the throwing? And the catching? And the yardage? Maybe it's secretly the Sex Cannon back there, but he's had a lobotomy, which since he's such an idiot in the first place it's actually made him a smarter player, and that's why whoever is under center is so good. Because otherwise, honestly, I have no idea what's going on.
Then there's the defense, the one that gave up the game-winning drive in Atlanta, and 41 points to the Vikings. Atlanta makes sense - three of our top four corners are injured (and yet somehow not Mike Brown, but it is still early in the season), and that's going to put a dent in anyone's Cover 2 defense. But 41 points to the Vikings? another 100+ yard game for Adrian Peterson the Greater? Not going to win many games like that, guys.
Finally, this is the second straight game that Kali Hester has gotten hurt on a return. He is our one reliable offensive threat, and yet Lovie keeps putting him in situations where he gets injured. How about larger pads? Or a gun, Last Boy Scout-style?
Either way, get him some blockers, man.
On a less funny note, I decided not to finish either of the books I was reading these past couple of weeks. Liberal Fascism and The Bulldozer and the Big Tent are so ridiculously biased and focused on right-left that they were equally insufferable. And that's sad, because I like Todd Gitlin. I think he's got great insight into modern media. But when it comes to politics he's just another Republican-hating liberal. Which is fine, I don't like them so much either, but I guess I'm just sick of all the election insanity. I mean, did you see the last debate? Obama is playing from so far ahead it will be a KKK miraKle if he loses. He knows it. McCain knows it. Hell, by this point I'm sure even Sarah Palin has figured it out, although her flow chart's probably written in crayon (sorry, forgot she's a lady. "Written in lipstick." Better?).
The whole debate was McCain trying with his wiggly eyebrows and awful, exaggerated facial expressions to get a rise out of Obama, and it didn't work at all. And do you know why? Because Obama is in the lead, and he's also not a whacked-out former POW who loses his temper at the drop of a hat.
Until, I don't know, there's some book that explains the current stock market train wreck in small words that I can understand, I'm not reading any books on politics. I'm going to read more books like Samedi the Deafness, with weird crazy plots with unreliable narrators who admit to being chronic liars. Fantastic and confusing. I have no idea if I "got it."
Happy 5769. Haha! That's funny, because 57 is a funny number. Because of Heinz, and ketchup, right? Ketchup! Hilarious.
This being the Jewish holiday season there just hasn't been all that much time to get my act together and write something, what with holidays coming every other day, and family flocking in and out. Rosh Hashannah - bam, the Balloon Man and his maiden fair. Succos comes, and the whole Fancy Pants Crew arrives, short one brother and one fiance and one dog. We really missed the dog (and of course the fiance and the brother. What are we, savages?).
Everyone has "their" holiday. Jesus has Christmas, seemingly everyone on my block has Halloween, Brother A shares Thanksgiving with the mighty Chocktaw tribe. Every Jewish mother has Passover, and if you want to share that's fine, just know that by taking their one week of glory you're breaking their heart, and the hearts of every mother who's ever slaved over a hot stove for the brisket you love so much. No, it's fine, take Passover. Here, here's my pancreas, do you want that too? How about my corneas, I hear they're worth lots of money in the black market.
Sorry, it's just that you can't channel a Jewish mother and stop after one guilt joke. You have to keep going until it's a whole thing.
Anyhoo, I've come to realize that Succos is my holiday. My family comes to stay with Wife Child and me, and every year I go out and I build a temporary structure with tarp and poles and bamboo mats. This year I had to get all new material, because for some reason I left my stuff in Boston, in Krazy's basement. Now he has two succahs. Surprise!
Let me say, for the record, that my succah this year was magnificent. The royal blue tarp set off the "holiday" lights perfectly, and the decorations purchased by the Old Rambling Man and the Mac Lady were beautifully done up. The weather held up, and our dining was phenomenal, if I do say so myself.
You may wonder, then, why I have provided no pictures of this glorious structure. That is an excellent question, reader. Give yourself a pat on the back! Round of applause for the astute reader! Huzzah! For s/he's a jolly good fellow, and all that!
Right. So the succah was blown over by a gigantic wolf looking for some piggies.
For all I know that could actually be the story, because I went out on Friday afternoon to set the table for the holy Sabbath, and lo and behold, the succah had fallen over. Tipped right over the table that Wife hates so much because it's huge and ugly. Yanked the nails right out of the 2X6's used as a base. Crushed all the pretty decorations. Sullied the royal blue tarp, which it turns out were actually quite effective sails. Next year we're entering the design into the America's Cup race.
So for next year I'll be taking suggestions on how to build my succah. And if you suggest a Kit, well then you can kiss my ass. I am a man: I have crafted the wheel, and invented fire. I can grow a mustache over the course of seven years. I can open jars with my bare hands.
So I'll use a kit for my next succah. Just as soon as I get my bikini line waxed.
Some of you may wonder why I didn't have anything rageful and hilarious to say about last week's Bears game, and Lovie Smith's squib kick decision. And I have to say, I was a little disappointed in myself for not taking the time. But then today happened, and now I feel like they're useful bookends on this season.
First, Neckbeard is playing way above his pay grade. WAY. What's with all the throwing? And the catching? And the yardage? Maybe it's secretly the Sex Cannon back there, but he's had a lobotomy, which since he's such an idiot in the first place it's actually made him a smarter player, and that's why whoever is under center is so good. Because otherwise, honestly, I have no idea what's going on.
Then there's the defense, the one that gave up the game-winning drive in Atlanta, and 41 points to the Vikings. Atlanta makes sense - three of our top four corners are injured (and yet somehow not Mike Brown, but it is still early in the season), and that's going to put a dent in anyone's Cover 2 defense. But 41 points to the Vikings? another 100+ yard game for Adrian Peterson the Greater? Not going to win many games like that, guys.
Finally, this is the second straight game that Kali Hester has gotten hurt on a return. He is our one reliable offensive threat, and yet Lovie keeps putting him in situations where he gets injured. How about larger pads? Or a gun, Last Boy Scout-style?
Either way, get him some blockers, man.
On a less funny note, I decided not to finish either of the books I was reading these past couple of weeks. Liberal Fascism and The Bulldozer and the Big Tent are so ridiculously biased and focused on right-left that they were equally insufferable. And that's sad, because I like Todd Gitlin. I think he's got great insight into modern media. But when it comes to politics he's just another Republican-hating liberal. Which is fine, I don't like them so much either, but I guess I'm just sick of all the election insanity. I mean, did you see the last debate? Obama is playing from so far ahead it will be a KKK miraKle if he loses. He knows it. McCain knows it. Hell, by this point I'm sure even Sarah Palin has figured it out, although her flow chart's probably written in crayon (sorry, forgot she's a lady. "Written in lipstick." Better?).
The whole debate was McCain trying with his wiggly eyebrows and awful, exaggerated facial expressions to get a rise out of Obama, and it didn't work at all. And do you know why? Because Obama is in the lead, and he's also not a whacked-out former POW who loses his temper at the drop of a hat.
Until, I don't know, there's some book that explains the current stock market train wreck in small words that I can understand, I'm not reading any books on politics. I'm going to read more books like Samedi the Deafness, with weird crazy plots with unreliable narrators who admit to being chronic liars. Fantastic and confusing. I have no idea if I "got it."
Happy 5769. Haha! That's funny, because 57 is a funny number. Because of Heinz, and ketchup, right? Ketchup! Hilarious.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
If you're president and you know it raise your hands - oooh, sorry John. Debate #2, live from my couch
Wife has decided she's not going to vote for a man who can't wash his own hair. Although she's a bit freaked by Barack's flippity floppity ears, so it might come down to the wire.
Tom Brokaw has teeny tiny eyes. They make his face look massive.
At 4 minutes, Barack Obama made the first attack on McCain, associating him with George Bush. That didn't take long. Why not put him in the same picture as Atilla the Hun, get it over with?
That's right, I dropped Atilla the Hun on your unsuspecting ass. Where else are you going to go for that kind of hilarity?
Does John McCain know that buying all those bad mortgages will, you know, raise spending?
Does anyone still believe that McCain talking to Joe Lieberman means he's reaching across the aisle? He barely has to reach across the jacuzzi. Wow, that's a G-dawful image. Sorry.
Can we all admit that both McCain's and Obama's voting records are in favor and against earmarks? And they're for and against regulation?
I have fifteen open bottles of tequila, just waiting next to my computer. When the hell is John McCain going to say "maverick?" Screw it, I'm changing the game to drinking every time Obama says "middle class."
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and clean coal walk into a bar, and order beers from the bartender. Who gets served? Bin Laden, because the other three don't fucking exist.
The one disappointment I have about this debate is that Tina Fey won't show up. Golly gee whiz she's sassy.
Hasn't Tom Brokaw worked a debate before? Time limits are for Senate debates, Tommy. And how can you even see those lights with those beady eyes?
It's about 10 pm, and so far the most impressive thing that either candidate has said was John McCain's correct pronunciation of E-Bay. It's not as impressive now that his running mate tried to use it to give away her plane, but still, that's what we're dealing with here. For the love of G-d, guys! John, did you know Obama's been calling you a felon? Barack, don't you remember McCain's most recent ads are barely hidden racist propaganda, and he's constantly misstating your positions? Get angry! This is so damn boring.
So the economic discussion is over, and McCain hasn't collapsed into a quivering sweaty heap, so he wins. Now on to foreign policy, where McCain is strong, but no one cares because they're too worried about getting evicted from their homes.
"My friends, this nation is the greatest force for good in the history of the world. Ronald Reagan, reform, earmarks, he'll raise your taxes, I know war, I know victory in Vietnam, surge, steady hand on the tiller." That is your pull quote for John McCain.
What does it take to coddle a dictator? Are there fluffy bunnies and daffodils involved? Must we play with his footsy-wootsies? Does he get a bubble bath?
You have to admit, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" has a nice bounce to it.
Unfortunately for McCain, no one cares about Iraq anymore. Which is too bad, because someone should tell him that the surge is working - I don't think he's heard.
No, there won't be a cold war with Russia, because if they try to take back the Ukraine and Georgia, we're going to bomb the shit outta those Russky bastards. Yeah! America! If I could raise my arms I totally would!
(Patriotic note: I know why Senator McCain can't raise his arms, and all about his torture in Vietnam. He was a war hero, and suffered terribly. So here's what I'll do - if he doesn't mention his time as a POW again, I won't talk about his awkward gesturing.)
Wow, serious Israel question. But it neglects the fact that if Iran attacks Israel, Israel might just nuke them. Not that Israel has nuclear weapons or anything.
Dammit! We almost made it through the entire debate without someone dropping a g. "Scrimpin?" Really, Barack? You're leading by 8 points nationally. You're ahead in Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico. Do you really need, at this point, to be stealing tactics from Tina Fey?
We deal now with countries that most Americans can't find on the map. China, Russia, America... Oh, and John? Your generation saw the separation of the continents and the extinction of the dinosaurs by meteor, so I think these challenges are actually right in your wheelhouse. Because you're old, get it?
I've got to say, while McCain didn't lose his head, he didn't really get in any good shots at Obama, so McCain lost. But maybe now we'll get to see another one of those patented Krazy McCain Kampaign strategies. I'm hoping he decides to stop referring to Obama by name, and just calls him "The Great Brown Harbinger of Death and Higher Taxes," which of course he will declare while in blackface.
Tom Brokaw has teeny tiny eyes. They make his face look massive.
At 4 minutes, Barack Obama made the first attack on McCain, associating him with George Bush. That didn't take long. Why not put him in the same picture as Atilla the Hun, get it over with?
That's right, I dropped Atilla the Hun on your unsuspecting ass. Where else are you going to go for that kind of hilarity?
Does John McCain know that buying all those bad mortgages will, you know, raise spending?
Does anyone still believe that McCain talking to Joe Lieberman means he's reaching across the aisle? He barely has to reach across the jacuzzi. Wow, that's a G-dawful image. Sorry.
Can we all admit that both McCain's and Obama's voting records are in favor and against earmarks? And they're for and against regulation?
I have fifteen open bottles of tequila, just waiting next to my computer. When the hell is John McCain going to say "maverick?" Screw it, I'm changing the game to drinking every time Obama says "middle class."
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and clean coal walk into a bar, and order beers from the bartender. Who gets served? Bin Laden, because the other three don't fucking exist.
The one disappointment I have about this debate is that Tina Fey won't show up. Golly gee whiz she's sassy.
Hasn't Tom Brokaw worked a debate before? Time limits are for Senate debates, Tommy. And how can you even see those lights with those beady eyes?
It's about 10 pm, and so far the most impressive thing that either candidate has said was John McCain's correct pronunciation of E-Bay. It's not as impressive now that his running mate tried to use it to give away her plane, but still, that's what we're dealing with here. For the love of G-d, guys! John, did you know Obama's been calling you a felon? Barack, don't you remember McCain's most recent ads are barely hidden racist propaganda, and he's constantly misstating your positions? Get angry! This is so damn boring.
So the economic discussion is over, and McCain hasn't collapsed into a quivering sweaty heap, so he wins. Now on to foreign policy, where McCain is strong, but no one cares because they're too worried about getting evicted from their homes.
"My friends, this nation is the greatest force for good in the history of the world. Ronald Reagan, reform, earmarks, he'll raise your taxes, I know war, I know victory in Vietnam, surge, steady hand on the tiller." That is your pull quote for John McCain.
What does it take to coddle a dictator? Are there fluffy bunnies and daffodils involved? Must we play with his footsy-wootsies? Does he get a bubble bath?
You have to admit, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" has a nice bounce to it.
Unfortunately for McCain, no one cares about Iraq anymore. Which is too bad, because someone should tell him that the surge is working - I don't think he's heard.
No, there won't be a cold war with Russia, because if they try to take back the Ukraine and Georgia, we're going to bomb the shit outta those Russky bastards. Yeah! America! If I could raise my arms I totally would!
(Patriotic note: I know why Senator McCain can't raise his arms, and all about his torture in Vietnam. He was a war hero, and suffered terribly. So here's what I'll do - if he doesn't mention his time as a POW again, I won't talk about his awkward gesturing.)
Wow, serious Israel question. But it neglects the fact that if Iran attacks Israel, Israel might just nuke them. Not that Israel has nuclear weapons or anything.
Dammit! We almost made it through the entire debate without someone dropping a g. "Scrimpin?" Really, Barack? You're leading by 8 points nationally. You're ahead in Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico. Do you really need, at this point, to be stealing tactics from Tina Fey?
We deal now with countries that most Americans can't find on the map. China, Russia, America... Oh, and John? Your generation saw the separation of the continents and the extinction of the dinosaurs by meteor, so I think these challenges are actually right in your wheelhouse. Because you're old, get it?
I've got to say, while McCain didn't lose his head, he didn't really get in any good shots at Obama, so McCain lost. But maybe now we'll get to see another one of those patented Krazy McCain Kampaign strategies. I'm hoping he decides to stop referring to Obama by name, and just calls him "The Great Brown Harbinger of Death and Higher Taxes," which of course he will declare while in blackface.
Friday, October 3, 2008
What'd I miss? And G-d Bless Eleska
I've was out of town, and then celebrating the new year, which is the Year of the Kreplach. Meanwhile, I stop blogging, and the whole world goes to hell. Financial markets crash, Sarah Palin puts together a coherent sentence, the Brewers make the playoffs, Child develops a crazy multicolor rash from putting everything within reach into his mouth...a simple e-mail would have sufficed, Planet Earth.
But first things first: last night's vice presidential debate blew. Boooorrrring. Biden didn't call Palin "little lady," and Palin didn't freeze at the first mention of Afghanistan. Sure, she was tight, but this is just the fourth time she's appeared before a camera, right? I mean, she wasn't a news anchor or anything. She hasn't held any sort of executive position before, you know?
She used the word "maverick" almost as often as she talked about "how we do tings up dere, in Eleska." She was like a Bears Superfan, except without the gigantic swinging belly.
Biden, for his part, did not snort in derision, at least into the microphone. And he also didn't screw up too many facts, which is a nice switch for him. But all he had to do was not get in the way of the McCain snowball, now gaining force as it rumbles further down the mountain.
If I could sum up the past few weeks of polling, it would go thusly: "Huh, Palin is a chick! And she's hot! That's cool, I like hot chicks. Whoa, when she opens her mouth, she sounds like George Bush. I may be drunk, and about to have the bank foreclose on my house, and watching my nest egg disappear by the second, but I don't think I like George Bush. Let me get out my 401- wait, where did that go? Well let me check my medical insur- no, can't afford that either. Wow, Bush is a DICK! Palin must be a dick too!"
So that's settled.
I went to business school as an undergrad, majored in finance. So everyone in my major classes wanted to be an investment banker, because that's where the money was. Lots and lots of money, for lots of crazy hours, but hey, it's a buttload of money, right?
And now the investment banks are gone. Sure, Goldman is still there, and JP Morgan, but they're not i-banks anymore. Now they're... something else, I guess. Either way, I just feel bad for the guys coming out of my program this year. Where will they go if they want to be gigantic douches? Not everyone can be a hedge fund manager, and accounting is not nearly so flashy. And law school, while rife with douche, takes more work, and Daddy only said he'd pay for college, so that cuts out grad school.
I guess the thing we should be concerned about is all that douche overflowing into other sectors of the economy. So if you're parking valet gets all snooty about parking your Civic, just take a few breaths before stiffing him on his tip. Remember, just a month ago he was making 500K and snorting coke off silicon tits in a Soho martini bar.
I'm not going to even bother going into the whole collapse, mostly because I have no idea whether it was because of deregulation or encouragement by the government of banks to increase their subprime mortgage business so poorer people could own their own homes. All I know is that the market lost $1.2 trillion dollars of imaginary value last week, and that's not a good thing.
So if you could all check under your imaginary couches, and in the depths of your pretend purses and dream glove compartments, I'm sure we can find that money. Maybe we can even give some of it back to my old classmates. I don't know about you, but I'd like the guy parking my car not to have a death wish.
But first things first: last night's vice presidential debate blew. Boooorrrring. Biden didn't call Palin "little lady," and Palin didn't freeze at the first mention of Afghanistan. Sure, she was tight, but this is just the fourth time she's appeared before a camera, right? I mean, she wasn't a news anchor or anything. She hasn't held any sort of executive position before, you know?
She used the word "maverick" almost as often as she talked about "how we do tings up dere, in Eleska." She was like a Bears Superfan, except without the gigantic swinging belly.
Biden, for his part, did not snort in derision, at least into the microphone. And he also didn't screw up too many facts, which is a nice switch for him. But all he had to do was not get in the way of the McCain snowball, now gaining force as it rumbles further down the mountain.
If I could sum up the past few weeks of polling, it would go thusly: "Huh, Palin is a chick! And she's hot! That's cool, I like hot chicks. Whoa, when she opens her mouth, she sounds like George Bush. I may be drunk, and about to have the bank foreclose on my house, and watching my nest egg disappear by the second, but I don't think I like George Bush. Let me get out my 401- wait, where did that go? Well let me check my medical insur- no, can't afford that either. Wow, Bush is a DICK! Palin must be a dick too!"
So that's settled.
I went to business school as an undergrad, majored in finance. So everyone in my major classes wanted to be an investment banker, because that's where the money was. Lots and lots of money, for lots of crazy hours, but hey, it's a buttload of money, right?
And now the investment banks are gone. Sure, Goldman is still there, and JP Morgan, but they're not i-banks anymore. Now they're... something else, I guess. Either way, I just feel bad for the guys coming out of my program this year. Where will they go if they want to be gigantic douches? Not everyone can be a hedge fund manager, and accounting is not nearly so flashy. And law school, while rife with douche, takes more work, and Daddy only said he'd pay for college, so that cuts out grad school.
I guess the thing we should be concerned about is all that douche overflowing into other sectors of the economy. So if you're parking valet gets all snooty about parking your Civic, just take a few breaths before stiffing him on his tip. Remember, just a month ago he was making 500K and snorting coke off silicon tits in a Soho martini bar.
I'm not going to even bother going into the whole collapse, mostly because I have no idea whether it was because of deregulation or encouragement by the government of banks to increase their subprime mortgage business so poorer people could own their own homes. All I know is that the market lost $1.2 trillion dollars of imaginary value last week, and that's not a good thing.
So if you could all check under your imaginary couches, and in the depths of your pretend purses and dream glove compartments, I'm sure we can find that money. Maybe we can even give some of it back to my old classmates. I don't know about you, but I'd like the guy parking my car not to have a death wish.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
How do Republicans spell President? P-O-W. RNC, Day 3.
It's not a Republican gathering until old white people start dancing to "Celebration." And...done. It's sexy, but for my grandpa.
I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.
Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)
"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?
Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.
Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.
It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.
Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)
Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)
Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.
The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.
Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)
When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.
The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.
Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!
Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.
Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.
Yay culture of life! Yay war!
It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.
How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.
If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.
Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.
FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.
Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.
McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.
ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.
Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!
I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.
I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.
McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.
Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.
Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!
NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.
"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"
I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.
Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)
"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?
Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.
Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.
It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.
Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)
Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)
Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.
The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.
Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)
When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.
The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.
Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!
Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.
Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.
Yay culture of life! Yay war!
It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.
How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.
If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.
Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.
FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.
Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.
McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.
ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.
Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!
I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.
I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.
McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.
Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.
Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!
NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.
"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
America, F*** Yeah! - RNC, Day 2
I'm switching tonight from CNN to C-Span, because I want to actually hear the speeches. First up - America's Mayor and America's Cross-Dresser, Rudolph Giuliani.
Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?
I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.
Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.
It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?
Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.
Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).
C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?
Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.
Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.
"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.
Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).
Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.
What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?
Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?
I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.
Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.
A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.
No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?
Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.
Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.
Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?
Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.
Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.
Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).
How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?
Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!
Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.
Were there visual aids at the DNC?
Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.
Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.
Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.
Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.
I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.
Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?
Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.
And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.
She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.
I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.
Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?
I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.
Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!
The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.
Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?
I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.
Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.
It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?
Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.
Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).
C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?
Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.
Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.
"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.
Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).
Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.
What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?
Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?
I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.
Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.
A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.
No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?
Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.
Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.
Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?
Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.
Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.
Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).
How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?
Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!
Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.
Were there visual aids at the DNC?
Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.
Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.
Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.
Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.
I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.
Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?
Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.
And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.
She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.
I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.
Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?
I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.
Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!
The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.
Day 1- I mean 2, in the uberhip Minnesota environs
I really did want to liveblog the RNC like I did with the DNC last week. Really. But Wife and I had to paint our new apartment. And unlike other couples, we don't just talk about improving our new digs - we actually go out and do it. Some people may sit down on a Sunday morning over their mimosas and New York Times and talk about colors and brushes and whatnot. Only the Pants Wearer and his intrepid spouse put family values and warm inviting color schemes over politics. Let's see my opponent do that.
I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.
Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.
President Bush:
I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."
Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.
Fred Thompson:
experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.
Joey Jewy Lieberman:
The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.
Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.
President Bush:
I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."
Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.
Fred Thompson:
experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.
Joey Jewy Lieberman:
The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I love the 4...th day at the DNC
How did David Strathairn get the nod to narrate Obama's biography video? Is it because he was so great as a blind guy in Sneakers? Or a guy who loved to watch chicks play baseball in A League of Their Own?
Right, the whole Edward Murrow thing in Good Night & Good Luck. Now it all comes together.
Michelle and Barack are a cute couple and all, but who goes to a community meeting on their first date? Cheap people, that's who. That would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Woohoo, student loans! Give it up for Pell Grants!
This may be the wrong night to ask this question, but I'm really curious: who is more defined by the prominence of his ears, Barack Obama, or Stephen Colbert? Is Colbert's whackjobness attributable to that rogue appendage? Seriously, it's trying to escape his head.
I have to apologize, I didn't really focus on the biography video. Solely based on the music, though, Obama's life was really depressing. I didn't know they had black kids in Dickens novels. Maybe pick some Kanye or Presidents of the United States of America, something to get the booty shakin'.
Thank Hillary Clinton? Check. Bill? Check. There, that's done. Now let us never speak of them again.
Again with the licking of the lips! Where's the Bert's Bees sponsorship when you need it? Or would that put Obama too close to the Big Wax lobby?
Clock it - just four minutes of positivity before the first knock on the Republicans.
"8 is enough." I loved that show. Makes for a good chant, too.
I'm not ready to take a 10% chance on change - now that's a buuuuuuurrrrrn.
The problem with bringing up the "nation of whiners" quote is that McCain can quote Obama directly - not his proxie - on how people are "bitter," and thus cling to "guns and religion."
I don't get the whole "footage of TV screens" thing. Doesn't CNN have access to those feeds in Maryland and Times Square? Watching TV watching TV is just weird.
Hooray! Real, substantive policy!
10! 10 years to wean ourselves off Middle Eastern oil! Which would be more impressive: Kennedy's man on the moon prediction, or energy independence? It's damn close, that's for sure.
Um, Barack? Ixnay on the eanclay oalcay and uclearnay owerpay. Not exactly the crowd to talk up Big Coal and Big...what, Uranium? Big Atom? Big Nuke? We've got to come up with some cheeky reference to the nuclear power lobby.
Whoa whoa whoa. The whole point of being a Democrat is so I don't have to worry about personal responsibility. If you're going to start making us do stuff, we're gonna, you know, not...do...stuff.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I know I'm supposed to keep up with the funny, but my sweet Lord this is an amazing speech. Did I say that Biden might be ready to speak on Thursday? After this, the bar is set way too high for anyone but Barack Obama to speak on Thursday. Obama's speech in 2004 was incredible, but this...wow.
David the commentator asked me what I have against John McCain, why I hate heroes. I had some good lines ready - I fear the elderly, he's been eating out of Bush's hand ever since 2000, that I want a president who knows where he left his car keys, let alone the difference between Shias and Sunnis.
But you know what? Fundamentally it's about presence, and ability. Barack is presidential, and John McCain is not. Barack Obama has the wherewithal, the intelligence, and the integrity to succeed at the most powerful job in the world, and John McCain does not. John McCain is a war hero, no question. But Barack Obama is the next commander in chief.
But if Obama ends up giving us more empty rhetoric, and doesn't accomplish anything, I will rake him over the fucking coals. And they won't even be clean coals. Dirty, polluting coals, sprayed with plastic and Saudi Arabian oil.
Right, the whole Edward Murrow thing in Good Night & Good Luck. Now it all comes together.
Michelle and Barack are a cute couple and all, but who goes to a community meeting on their first date? Cheap people, that's who. That would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Woohoo, student loans! Give it up for Pell Grants!
This may be the wrong night to ask this question, but I'm really curious: who is more defined by the prominence of his ears, Barack Obama, or Stephen Colbert? Is Colbert's whackjobness attributable to that rogue appendage? Seriously, it's trying to escape his head.
I have to apologize, I didn't really focus on the biography video. Solely based on the music, though, Obama's life was really depressing. I didn't know they had black kids in Dickens novels. Maybe pick some Kanye or Presidents of the United States of America, something to get the booty shakin'.
Thank Hillary Clinton? Check. Bill? Check. There, that's done. Now let us never speak of them again.
Again with the licking of the lips! Where's the Bert's Bees sponsorship when you need it? Or would that put Obama too close to the Big Wax lobby?
Clock it - just four minutes of positivity before the first knock on the Republicans.
"8 is enough." I loved that show. Makes for a good chant, too.
I'm not ready to take a 10% chance on change - now that's a buuuuuuurrrrrn.
The problem with bringing up the "nation of whiners" quote is that McCain can quote Obama directly - not his proxie - on how people are "bitter," and thus cling to "guns and religion."
I don't get the whole "footage of TV screens" thing. Doesn't CNN have access to those feeds in Maryland and Times Square? Watching TV watching TV is just weird.
Hooray! Real, substantive policy!
10! 10 years to wean ourselves off Middle Eastern oil! Which would be more impressive: Kennedy's man on the moon prediction, or energy independence? It's damn close, that's for sure.
Um, Barack? Ixnay on the eanclay oalcay and uclearnay owerpay. Not exactly the crowd to talk up Big Coal and Big...what, Uranium? Big Atom? Big Nuke? We've got to come up with some cheeky reference to the nuclear power lobby.
Whoa whoa whoa. The whole point of being a Democrat is so I don't have to worry about personal responsibility. If you're going to start making us do stuff, we're gonna, you know, not...do...stuff.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I know I'm supposed to keep up with the funny, but my sweet Lord this is an amazing speech. Did I say that Biden might be ready to speak on Thursday? After this, the bar is set way too high for anyone but Barack Obama to speak on Thursday. Obama's speech in 2004 was incredible, but this...wow.
David the commentator asked me what I have against John McCain, why I hate heroes. I had some good lines ready - I fear the elderly, he's been eating out of Bush's hand ever since 2000, that I want a president who knows where he left his car keys, let alone the difference between Shias and Sunnis.
But you know what? Fundamentally it's about presence, and ability. Barack is presidential, and John McCain is not. Barack Obama has the wherewithal, the intelligence, and the integrity to succeed at the most powerful job in the world, and John McCain does not. John McCain is a war hero, no question. But Barack Obama is the next commander in chief.
But if Obama ends up giving us more empty rhetoric, and doesn't accomplish anything, I will rake him over the fucking coals. And they won't even be clean coals. Dirty, polluting coals, sprayed with plastic and Saudi Arabian oil.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My lovely lady Hump Day: Day 3
Fantastically planned move to have Hillary stop the roll call vote and have an "acclamation" in favor of Obama, which is basically the honorable way of saying "sure, I know I got more delegates, now that Florida and Michigan are here. But I will be run out on a rail if this goes on. And something tells me I'm going to be back here in 4 to 8 years."
And Bill Clinton the mensch! Whodathunkit? He could have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble if he'd just stopped being a prick five months ago. Who knows? Maybe then Hillary would be speaking on Thursday.
That, by the way, is my new favorite "thrown under the bus" idiom. Not "she'd be the Democratic presidential candidate," but "she'd be speaking on Thursday." It works in other situations, too. "Did you hear Morris got promoted to Regional Director? Man, I knew he was ready to speak on Thursday, but I didn't think it would be this soon. What a dick." "Oh, honey, straight A's! Well look who's going to be speaking on Thursday!" Admittedly the meaning gets lost in there at some point. But I'm going to break it out randomly, see if it plays.
The movie about the soldiers is poignant, and inspiring. What else am I supposed to say? That Speilberg hasn't made a truly great movie in years? That Schindler's List was overrated? Excuse me while I go outside and drown some puppies.
Why is it that only CNN gets to be in the building? Why does Chris Matthews have to fight off hoboes to do his show? Aside from him being a gigantic tool, I mean (there's a guy who's never going to speak on Thursday. ZING!). But you don't think it would make great television to have him inside, trapped for hours with all those former Clinton supporters? He'd have lost a testicle by this morning, at the latest.
I was just thinking to myself this morning that McCain should announce his VP candidate this week, and lo and behold! Who's wicked smart? Yeah, the guy over here in the pants. That's right.
What if Biden declines the nomination? Would that not be the biggest hoot?
Who is Quincy Lucas? Whoever she is, she LOVES Joe Biden. Yaaaayyyyy! Forget Michael Buffer, I want Quincy Lucas announcing my entry into any and all rooms from now on.
Sure, he was elected by acclamation, but I love the insertion of pointy-headed regulation-talk to make things official. Further proof that the Democrats, despite their celebrity candidate, are still the party of nerds.
If you're going to name your son Beau, you better have another one named Luke. And you better buy them an orange muscle car with a Confederate flag on the roof. And convince them to run moonshine past that evil, sweaty Boss Hog.
Have I not been paying attention before? Do all public speakers lick their lips? Because if that's the case, it's a lot less disgusting than I thought. Wait - no, it still looks all snake-y. Buy some chapstick, drink some water.
Is it really that big a deal that Biden takes the train home every night to Delaware? Housing prices are insane in the District. Or is it that he's not flying? Does this make him the first green Vice President?
McCain has a lot of friends. All kinds of Democrats claim him as a friend. But if all my friends got together and trashed me in a convention-like format, I would find some new friends.
"That's not change, that's more of the same!" I love cheers! Whoa, there are even signs! Someone's looking to speak on Thursday (see? It's catching on, you'll see).
The crowd is just looking for something, anything to chant. If Joe Biden wanted to bring the house down, he'd start "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?" And that would be the greatest convention moment in history.
Biden clocked in at under a half hour. Now that's change you can believe in.
Wait, what's that? Is that...why, that's Barack Obama's music! What's he doing at the Democratic convention?
Joe Biden's speech was good, but there is no doubt whatsoever about who's speaking on Thursday. Barack Obama makes me want to find some old white Vietnam veteran and kick him in the shrapnel.
And Bill Clinton the mensch! Whodathunkit? He could have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble if he'd just stopped being a prick five months ago. Who knows? Maybe then Hillary would be speaking on Thursday.
That, by the way, is my new favorite "thrown under the bus" idiom. Not "she'd be the Democratic presidential candidate," but "she'd be speaking on Thursday." It works in other situations, too. "Did you hear Morris got promoted to Regional Director? Man, I knew he was ready to speak on Thursday, but I didn't think it would be this soon. What a dick." "Oh, honey, straight A's! Well look who's going to be speaking on Thursday!" Admittedly the meaning gets lost in there at some point. But I'm going to break it out randomly, see if it plays.
The movie about the soldiers is poignant, and inspiring. What else am I supposed to say? That Speilberg hasn't made a truly great movie in years? That Schindler's List was overrated? Excuse me while I go outside and drown some puppies.
Why is it that only CNN gets to be in the building? Why does Chris Matthews have to fight off hoboes to do his show? Aside from him being a gigantic tool, I mean (there's a guy who's never going to speak on Thursday. ZING!). But you don't think it would make great television to have him inside, trapped for hours with all those former Clinton supporters? He'd have lost a testicle by this morning, at the latest.
I was just thinking to myself this morning that McCain should announce his VP candidate this week, and lo and behold! Who's wicked smart? Yeah, the guy over here in the pants. That's right.
What if Biden declines the nomination? Would that not be the biggest hoot?
Who is Quincy Lucas? Whoever she is, she LOVES Joe Biden. Yaaaayyyyy! Forget Michael Buffer, I want Quincy Lucas announcing my entry into any and all rooms from now on.
Sure, he was elected by acclamation, but I love the insertion of pointy-headed regulation-talk to make things official. Further proof that the Democrats, despite their celebrity candidate, are still the party of nerds.
If you're going to name your son Beau, you better have another one named Luke. And you better buy them an orange muscle car with a Confederate flag on the roof. And convince them to run moonshine past that evil, sweaty Boss Hog.
Have I not been paying attention before? Do all public speakers lick their lips? Because if that's the case, it's a lot less disgusting than I thought. Wait - no, it still looks all snake-y. Buy some chapstick, drink some water.
Is it really that big a deal that Biden takes the train home every night to Delaware? Housing prices are insane in the District. Or is it that he's not flying? Does this make him the first green Vice President?
McCain has a lot of friends. All kinds of Democrats claim him as a friend. But if all my friends got together and trashed me in a convention-like format, I would find some new friends.
"That's not change, that's more of the same!" I love cheers! Whoa, there are even signs! Someone's looking to speak on Thursday (see? It's catching on, you'll see).
The crowd is just looking for something, anything to chant. If Joe Biden wanted to bring the house down, he'd start "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?" And that would be the greatest convention moment in history.
Biden clocked in at under a half hour. Now that's change you can believe in.
Wait, what's that? Is that...why, that's Barack Obama's music! What's he doing at the Democratic convention?
Joe Biden's speech was good, but there is no doubt whatsoever about who's speaking on Thursday. Barack Obama makes me want to find some old white Vietnam veteran and kick him in the shrapnel.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
DNC Day 2: this time, it's...Tuesday
A quick note from last night. It turns out that Michelle Obama's dress was green, not blue. There are two ways to look at this: the first is that I obviously failed kindergarten. The second is that maybe she was making a very subtle point - green is the new blue. Does that mean the Democrats are now the Green Earth Party?
Mark Warner's lips are very chapped. He keeps licking them. And an interesting point from the Old Rambling Man: "Democrats aren't as good looking as Republicans." I don't know what this means for the Democratic party. But he's not wrong.
Joe Biden's daughters? Genetically engineered Aryan hotties. Is that how they're grown in Delaware? Why am I only finding out about this now? I could have been rejected by all kinds of hot blond chicks!
I'm sorry, I'm not going to watch all of Ted Strickland's speech. On Comedy Central Lewis Black is spitting his rage-filled anger, and that's more interesting than some governor.
And...I'm back.
Bill Clinton is taking his time getting to his seat. Maybe it's because Deval Patrick is speaking, and Clinton is sitting so far away he thinks he's snubbing Obama. Oh wait, I just read he's skipping Obama's speech. Stay classy, Bill.
I'm forgoing links during the convention because I'm "liveblogging," which means I'm too lazy to give these posts any sort of editing or fanciness, despite the site's name. I guess I could tell you that the pants I'm wearing are fancy, but I'm not actually wearing pants.
I think I'd move to Montana just to have Brian Schweitzer as my governnor. He's awesome. From his shuckling to his bolo tie, he's like Cowboy Santa. No, this is better - he's Frank Caliendo! Except he isn't a drooling idiot. The pointing, the jokes about McCain's houses: he's on fire! He should have picked a state people have heard of.
When I grow up I want to be a Petrodictator.
With all this talk about Hillary's awful singing voice, I kinda want to hear it. Just to know, you know?
I thought Chelsea was a redhead. Maybe her hair just looks blond against her mom's orange suit. Not really a power color, more "look at me! Look at ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!"
Bill Clinton's brain: "why isn't Hillary a proud wife? Oh, right, I forgot."
If I was ever to attend a presidential convention, I'd definitely be one of those whackos with the buttons and the hats and the bumper stickers everywhere.
Michelle Obama's brain: "Just stay on message Hillary. I don't want to have to bust your ass on live TV."
"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits?" Catchy. They should write a crappy book and some crappy movies using that phrase.
Hillary's speech sounds, well, presidential. Anytime now she's going to get around to Obama, right? Right?
Ah, there it is. Only took 10 minutes. Not bad.
Say what you will about Clinton, but she's put more substance in her speech of support than anyone else has so far.
Fifteen minutes in, her first mention of Bill. Snuck it in just under the wire.
I would bet that Clinton is still speaking, but the Daily Show is on, and I need to know what's going on at the convention.
Mark Warner's lips are very chapped. He keeps licking them. And an interesting point from the Old Rambling Man: "Democrats aren't as good looking as Republicans." I don't know what this means for the Democratic party. But he's not wrong.
Joe Biden's daughters? Genetically engineered Aryan hotties. Is that how they're grown in Delaware? Why am I only finding out about this now? I could have been rejected by all kinds of hot blond chicks!
I'm sorry, I'm not going to watch all of Ted Strickland's speech. On Comedy Central Lewis Black is spitting his rage-filled anger, and that's more interesting than some governor.
And...I'm back.
Bill Clinton is taking his time getting to his seat. Maybe it's because Deval Patrick is speaking, and Clinton is sitting so far away he thinks he's snubbing Obama. Oh wait, I just read he's skipping Obama's speech. Stay classy, Bill.
I'm forgoing links during the convention because I'm "liveblogging," which means I'm too lazy to give these posts any sort of editing or fanciness, despite the site's name. I guess I could tell you that the pants I'm wearing are fancy, but I'm not actually wearing pants.
I think I'd move to Montana just to have Brian Schweitzer as my governnor. He's awesome. From his shuckling to his bolo tie, he's like Cowboy Santa. No, this is better - he's Frank Caliendo! Except he isn't a drooling idiot. The pointing, the jokes about McCain's houses: he's on fire! He should have picked a state people have heard of.
When I grow up I want to be a Petrodictator.
With all this talk about Hillary's awful singing voice, I kinda want to hear it. Just to know, you know?
I thought Chelsea was a redhead. Maybe her hair just looks blond against her mom's orange suit. Not really a power color, more "look at me! Look at ME! LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!"
Bill Clinton's brain: "why isn't Hillary a proud wife? Oh, right, I forgot."
If I was ever to attend a presidential convention, I'd definitely be one of those whackos with the buttons and the hats and the bumper stickers everywhere.
Michelle Obama's brain: "Just stay on message Hillary. I don't want to have to bust your ass on live TV."
"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits?" Catchy. They should write a crappy book and some crappy movies using that phrase.
Hillary's speech sounds, well, presidential. Anytime now she's going to get around to Obama, right? Right?
Ah, there it is. Only took 10 minutes. Not bad.
Say what you will about Clinton, but she's put more substance in her speech of support than anyone else has so far.
Fifteen minutes in, her first mention of Bill. Snuck it in just under the wire.
I would bet that Clinton is still speaking, but the Daily Show is on, and I need to know what's going on at the convention.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Denver = Changing hope into butterflies and sunshine
I like the Joe Biden pick. I think he'll reassure Americans who are uncertain whether Obama shares American values, like whiteness and not-blackness. "Don't worry," Biden says to the silent vast American majority, "sure, Obama is black, but I'm here, and I'm white. Super-pale, Delaware-style white. The kind of white you only get in Wal-Mart, or on an albino buttock."
Also, there's his foreign policy experience, complementing blah blah blah.
Michelle Obama is speaking now, and the only thing that got a bigger applause than her mention of Biden is her shout-out to Hillary Clinton. Because from one angry woman to another, that sort of public recognition really means something.
Random thoughts about her speech:
- she's got crazy strong shoulders. Like former swimmer style. She could totally kick Cindy McCain's ass in a Jell-O wrestling match.
- CNN's camerawork is awful. Cameras boucing everywhere, and the sound is mixed way up so the ovations make the speakers shudder.
- I think I've made it pretty clear that I support Obama, but if I hear the word "hope" after November 4, I'm going to punch someone.
- I know less about fashion than I do about string theory, but even I can tell that Michelle's blue shirt clashes with the blue background. She's like a disembodied head with linebacker shoulders.
- Is it wrong of me to imagine Michelle Obama with an afro, and to prefer that to her actual hairdo? Does that make me racist?
- Michelle is a good speaker, but she forgets to wait for laughter and applause. I think it's because she knows the jokes are cheesy, and people are only laughing because they paid thousands of dollars, and they're going to fucking laugh whenever they want.
- A lot of people in the audience are crying. Would I also break down into tears of relief and joy if a Jew were the presidential candidate of a major political party? I think I would, if someone kicked me in the testicles. I would cry many, many tears.
- Where is Obama that he has to appear by satellite? Does he really have better things to do? Or is he getting that last intravenous injection of HOPE from the scientists who genetically engineered him? What the hell is he doing in Kansas City? And who the hell are the Gerardos? Are they another Obama family friend who hates America? Because that would be a bad choice for a visit just before the convention. I'm no genius, but even I know that.
- That last bit? With his daughters talking to him, and he can't respond because he can't hear them? But they keep making cute comments? Just as annoying as eavesdropping on a spotty cell phone conversation.
"Where am I? In Kansas City. Kansas City! Who? Malia? Is that you? Sasha? Did - Malia, don't hit your sister. Sasha? Are you - Michelle? Did you - did you finish the speech? Is everyone - is there clapping? Michelle, you didn't tell the Mexico story, did you? Sasha, it's your bedti - What's that? Can you hear me now?"
I hate that guy.
Also, there's his foreign policy experience, complementing blah blah blah.
Michelle Obama is speaking now, and the only thing that got a bigger applause than her mention of Biden is her shout-out to Hillary Clinton. Because from one angry woman to another, that sort of public recognition really means something.
Random thoughts about her speech:
- she's got crazy strong shoulders. Like former swimmer style. She could totally kick Cindy McCain's ass in a Jell-O wrestling match.
- CNN's camerawork is awful. Cameras boucing everywhere, and the sound is mixed way up so the ovations make the speakers shudder.
- I think I've made it pretty clear that I support Obama, but if I hear the word "hope" after November 4, I'm going to punch someone.
- I know less about fashion than I do about string theory, but even I can tell that Michelle's blue shirt clashes with the blue background. She's like a disembodied head with linebacker shoulders.
- Is it wrong of me to imagine Michelle Obama with an afro, and to prefer that to her actual hairdo? Does that make me racist?
- Michelle is a good speaker, but she forgets to wait for laughter and applause. I think it's because she knows the jokes are cheesy, and people are only laughing because they paid thousands of dollars, and they're going to fucking laugh whenever they want.
- A lot of people in the audience are crying. Would I also break down into tears of relief and joy if a Jew were the presidential candidate of a major political party? I think I would, if someone kicked me in the testicles. I would cry many, many tears.
- Where is Obama that he has to appear by satellite? Does he really have better things to do? Or is he getting that last intravenous injection of HOPE from the scientists who genetically engineered him? What the hell is he doing in Kansas City? And who the hell are the Gerardos? Are they another Obama family friend who hates America? Because that would be a bad choice for a visit just before the convention. I'm no genius, but even I know that.
- That last bit? With his daughters talking to him, and he can't respond because he can't hear them? But they keep making cute comments? Just as annoying as eavesdropping on a spotty cell phone conversation.
"Where am I? In Kansas City. Kansas City! Who? Malia? Is that you? Sasha? Did - Malia, don't hit your sister. Sasha? Are you - Michelle? Did you - did you finish the speech? Is everyone - is there clapping? Michelle, you didn't tell the Mexico story, did you? Sasha, it's your bedti - What's that? Can you hear me now?"
I hate that guy.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Sad. Happy? Happy.
I've been reading a lot of depressing news lately. Like this. And this. Or how about this nugget? And Obama... Jesus, man, did you drop your balls in some hotel on the campaign trail, and then forget them on your way out the next morning? What the hell?
And don't get me started on this. Go have sex with a close relative, you 95-year-old hick.
But then I thought that you guys don't come here for the whining, and the tears, and the temper tantrums.
So instead I'm featuring Simon "the best excuse for nepotism" Rich, and....
THIS:
You're welcome.
And don't get me started on this. Go have sex with a close relative, you 95-year-old hick.
But then I thought that you guys don't come here for the whining, and the tears, and the temper tantrums.
So instead I'm featuring Simon "the best excuse for nepotism" Rich, and....
THIS:
You're welcome.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I've got gigantic blue balls
OK, maybe the title was a little...jarring, but I really think I need your attention on this. Ever since Barack Obama won the Democratic presidential nomination, there has been a flurry of skittish paranoid - pardon the candor - pussiness.
It culminated recently with this New Yorker cover, which you can find here, but I can't seem to show the actual cover because I'm not so secretly an idiot.
This set off a flurry of craziness, laid out quite well here.
All of this makes me kind of want to vomit. I've had to talk other Democrat supporters off the ledge because of the Rev. Wright thing, the black thing, the Indonesia thing, the black thing. And I will admit, as Hendrik Hertzberg does, that the telecom immunity thing was a kneecapper. That one hurt. It was a baldfaced political move, designed to show he's "tough on terror," and easy on big business. The fact that his vote wouldn't have mattered one way or the other made it almost too easy.
So sure, liberals are upset. They're nervous. And not like 4 years ago, when they were afraid because their - OK, our - candidate was a sad sack of elitist, out-of-touch robot man. It's weird to be the frontrunner, huh? Everyone out to get you, your opponent pulling out all the stops just to take you down a peg or two. Not like last time, when...they...didn't...with the...Swift Boat...right. Nevermind.
But I'm going to put a stop to this, right here. Get off your collective khaki'd ass, Democrats. Barack Obama is a fantastic candidate. Smart, well-spoken, tall. He has great floppy ears. His wife is hot and spicy, and gives a mean pound.
Fist bump, people. That means fist pump.
And I know this didn't help us last time, but it has to be mentioned for the record: one of the best things about Senator Barack Obama as our Democratic presidential candidate is that he's not Senator John McCain. And watch, I can do this without mentioning that McCain is so very very old.
McCain - doesn't support off-shore drilling for oil. Wait, sorry, he does now, never mind. He wants to repeal the tax cuts that favor the wealthy. No, sorry, he's now in favor of making those cuts permanent. Which hey, that's cool, I like rich people. It's just that there are all those poor people, and they seem kinda important too, so maybe we should throw them a bone, or universal healthcare. Poor people, for the purposes of this post, is defined as anyone making less than $250,000.
McCain has an awful temper that makes him volatile in stressful situations. He's pro-life, he's a proponent of maintaining the war on drugs, and he's backed off of every reasonable position he's ever held, including illegal immigration. His solutions for global warming, social security, and health care are complicated: "hey, let's let corporations handle it! Then we can focus on what government does best - killing and oppressing people who aren't American. Unless they're Muslim, in which case full body cavity searches for everyone.
Yes, that's a tad heavy-handed. But you know what? Screw them. We own this election. We're going to put a Democrat in the White House - a black constitutional law professor. A liberal. An elitist, in that he's better than you, me, and anyone else you or I know. He's going to wipe the floor with McCain. It will be embarassing - first white man to lose a presidential election to a black guy and all.
So stop whining! This should be a 4 1/2-month party. Because unless Osama Bin Laden is the October surprise, McCain is going to go wee wee wee all the way home.
It culminated recently with this New Yorker cover, which you can find here, but I can't seem to show the actual cover because I'm not so secretly an idiot.
This set off a flurry of craziness, laid out quite well here.
All of this makes me kind of want to vomit. I've had to talk other Democrat supporters off the ledge because of the Rev. Wright thing, the black thing, the Indonesia thing, the black thing. And I will admit, as Hendrik Hertzberg does, that the telecom immunity thing was a kneecapper. That one hurt. It was a baldfaced political move, designed to show he's "tough on terror," and easy on big business. The fact that his vote wouldn't have mattered one way or the other made it almost too easy.
So sure, liberals are upset. They're nervous. And not like 4 years ago, when they were afraid because their - OK, our - candidate was a sad sack of elitist, out-of-touch robot man. It's weird to be the frontrunner, huh? Everyone out to get you, your opponent pulling out all the stops just to take you down a peg or two. Not like last time, when...they...didn't...with the...Swift Boat...right. Nevermind.
But I'm going to put a stop to this, right here. Get off your collective khaki'd ass, Democrats. Barack Obama is a fantastic candidate. Smart, well-spoken, tall. He has great floppy ears. His wife is hot and spicy, and gives a mean pound.
Fist bump, people. That means fist pump.
And I know this didn't help us last time, but it has to be mentioned for the record: one of the best things about Senator Barack Obama as our Democratic presidential candidate is that he's not Senator John McCain. And watch, I can do this without mentioning that McCain is so very very old.
McCain - doesn't support off-shore drilling for oil. Wait, sorry, he does now, never mind. He wants to repeal the tax cuts that favor the wealthy. No, sorry, he's now in favor of making those cuts permanent. Which hey, that's cool, I like rich people. It's just that there are all those poor people, and they seem kinda important too, so maybe we should throw them a bone, or universal healthcare. Poor people, for the purposes of this post, is defined as anyone making less than $250,000.
McCain has an awful temper that makes him volatile in stressful situations. He's pro-life, he's a proponent of maintaining the war on drugs, and he's backed off of every reasonable position he's ever held, including illegal immigration. His solutions for global warming, social security, and health care are complicated: "hey, let's let corporations handle it! Then we can focus on what government does best - killing and oppressing people who aren't American. Unless they're Muslim, in which case full body cavity searches for everyone.
Yes, that's a tad heavy-handed. But you know what? Screw them. We own this election. We're going to put a Democrat in the White House - a black constitutional law professor. A liberal. An elitist, in that he's better than you, me, and anyone else you or I know. He's going to wipe the floor with McCain. It will be embarassing - first white man to lose a presidential election to a black guy and all.
So stop whining! This should be a 4 1/2-month party. Because unless Osama Bin Laden is the October surprise, McCain is going to go wee wee wee all the way home.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The election, as written by John Hughes
It's your classic high school love triangle:
On one side, there is the cool, hip class president. He's on his way to Harvard on a full scholarship, which he won by designing a system to remove the carbon footprint of homeless people. Sure, he's got some baggage - his dad, for example, is CRAZY. And not evil crazy, like Judd Nelson's dad in Breakfast Club. Real, supercool movie crazy, the kind that can't actually be real, but somehow is.
On the other there's the nerdy romantic, who's spent three years with her nose in a book, or hidden behind her brash, slutty best friend (this only works if you pretend Hillary is a lesbian. I would say keep the jokes to yourself, but why am I the only one allowed to be funny?). She's worked really hard. She's always pined for the Prom Queen, and this is her chance. They've been in every class for her, and every time the Prom Queen has gotten drunk and gone down on the lacrosse team, her faithful bookish friend has always been there to take her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped.
Finally there is the Prom Queen herself, who looked pristine and virginal when she started high school, but is already a little worn out. She's still hot, and her legs go all the way up, if you know what I mean (to her hips, which are connected to her back, if you don't know your anatomy), but that "new car" smell has faded. But somewhere deep, deep inside is a heart of gold, just looking for the right match to bring it out, and drive her to win Prom Queen one more time.
We've all seen this movie. As adorable as her effort is, the nerd is not going to win. The cool kid sees the error of his arrogant ways, and does right by the Prom Queen by paying for her abortion and dancing the tango with her while Fallout Boy rocks the first dance. The nerd gracefully steps aside; after all, it was her sage advice, given offhandedly in a seemingly random moment, that showed the cool kid the right path. And as beautiful as the Prom Queen is, she's just not as attractive as the understanding witty friend, who's got a better record collection and also doesn't have the free clinic on speed dial. (I don't know who that would be in this allegory. Canada? Cuba, post-Castro? Let's call it Costa Rica, because why not.)
What's different here is that Hillary, even though she, too, has seen the movie, still thinks she's got a shot. Maybe someone should send her a copy of Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, or whichever one has Duckie. Molly Ringwald as America? I buy that. Especially since I always thought Ally Sheedy was hotter. Hell, I thought Judd Nelson was prettier. Wait, what were we talking about?
On one side, there is the cool, hip class president. He's on his way to Harvard on a full scholarship, which he won by designing a system to remove the carbon footprint of homeless people. Sure, he's got some baggage - his dad, for example, is CRAZY. And not evil crazy, like Judd Nelson's dad in Breakfast Club. Real, supercool movie crazy, the kind that can't actually be real, but somehow is.
On the other there's the nerdy romantic, who's spent three years with her nose in a book, or hidden behind her brash, slutty best friend (this only works if you pretend Hillary is a lesbian. I would say keep the jokes to yourself, but why am I the only one allowed to be funny?). She's worked really hard. She's always pined for the Prom Queen, and this is her chance. They've been in every class for her, and every time the Prom Queen has gotten drunk and gone down on the lacrosse team, her faithful bookish friend has always been there to take her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped.
Finally there is the Prom Queen herself, who looked pristine and virginal when she started high school, but is already a little worn out. She's still hot, and her legs go all the way up, if you know what I mean (to her hips, which are connected to her back, if you don't know your anatomy), but that "new car" smell has faded. But somewhere deep, deep inside is a heart of gold, just looking for the right match to bring it out, and drive her to win Prom Queen one more time.
We've all seen this movie. As adorable as her effort is, the nerd is not going to win. The cool kid sees the error of his arrogant ways, and does right by the Prom Queen by paying for her abortion and dancing the tango with her while Fallout Boy rocks the first dance. The nerd gracefully steps aside; after all, it was her sage advice, given offhandedly in a seemingly random moment, that showed the cool kid the right path. And as beautiful as the Prom Queen is, she's just not as attractive as the understanding witty friend, who's got a better record collection and also doesn't have the free clinic on speed dial. (I don't know who that would be in this allegory. Canada? Cuba, post-Castro? Let's call it Costa Rica, because why not.)
What's different here is that Hillary, even though she, too, has seen the movie, still thinks she's got a shot. Maybe someone should send her a copy of Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, or whichever one has Duckie. Molly Ringwald as America? I buy that. Especially since I always thought Ally Sheedy was hotter. Hell, I thought Judd Nelson was prettier. Wait, what were we talking about?
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Taxes suck, waa waa waa
I understand people who complain about taxes. I really do. You made the money, you should keep it. Obviously. My only problem is that these people are Communist pinkos, who want nothing more than to freeload. Go back to Russia-town, Stalinists!
You pay for cars, houses, clothes, everything except music and porn on the internet. Why exactly should you get to live in America for free? It's a great gig - we have good movies, decent restaurants, and football, miles and miles away cooler than soccer. We have the greatest, most powerful army in the world that fights wars with only the most technically advanced weaponry, when Congress actually spends that money on the troops, as opposed to contractors (just kidding, Blackwater. Please don't kidnap and torture my family).
Living in America is a privilege, not a right. Don't like it? Move to Iceland or Ireland, the only developed countries with average tax rates lower than ours. And it's never really the people without money who complain, is it? It's the ones with plenty of money, who can afford their own health care, but just don't want to support anyone else. Well you know what? If you agree not to take anything from the government - not Social Security, or Medicaid, or Medicare, take 911 off your speed dial, remove all the smoke alarms because you can fight your own fires, you big burly men you - then hey, don't bother paying the taxes.
The government has a $3 trillion deficit. Eventually, they're going to have to raise taxes because they don't have enough money, and none of us (other than Chinese immigrants, maybe) want the national anthem to be in Mandarin in 30 years. So suck it up, pay your taxes, and find something a little bit more interesting to base your vote on, like, say, sound fiscal policy, or a reasonable solution to the drug problem, or whether a particular candidate has a crazy preacher. Because even that is a more legitimate beef than bitching about how much Uncle Sam is ripping from your liver-spotted arthritic claw.
You know who demands to tear down the market system, and get things for free? Welfare recipients, and Bolsheviks. America gets to charge what the market will bear, that's your whole capitalism thing, right?
You pay for cars, houses, clothes, everything except music and porn on the internet. Why exactly should you get to live in America for free? It's a great gig - we have good movies, decent restaurants, and football, miles and miles away cooler than soccer. We have the greatest, most powerful army in the world that fights wars with only the most technically advanced weaponry, when Congress actually spends that money on the troops, as opposed to contractors (just kidding, Blackwater. Please don't kidnap and torture my family).
Living in America is a privilege, not a right. Don't like it? Move to Iceland or Ireland, the only developed countries with average tax rates lower than ours. And it's never really the people without money who complain, is it? It's the ones with plenty of money, who can afford their own health care, but just don't want to support anyone else. Well you know what? If you agree not to take anything from the government - not Social Security, or Medicaid, or Medicare, take 911 off your speed dial, remove all the smoke alarms because you can fight your own fires, you big burly men you - then hey, don't bother paying the taxes.
The government has a $3 trillion deficit. Eventually, they're going to have to raise taxes because they don't have enough money, and none of us (other than Chinese immigrants, maybe) want the national anthem to be in Mandarin in 30 years. So suck it up, pay your taxes, and find something a little bit more interesting to base your vote on, like, say, sound fiscal policy, or a reasonable solution to the drug problem, or whether a particular candidate has a crazy preacher. Because even that is a more legitimate beef than bitching about how much Uncle Sam is ripping from your liver-spotted arthritic claw.
You know who demands to tear down the market system, and get things for free? Welfare recipients, and Bolsheviks. America gets to charge what the market will bear, that's your whole capitalism thing, right?
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Can't we all agree that he's going to "Kill Whitey," and she'll emasculate us?
One of the benefits of moving to Pennsylvania is my vote will actually matter. In a swing state, my issues are writ nation-wide, and everyone wants to know if I'm a soccer mom, or a gun nut, or if I hate brown people but couch it in terms of nostalgia and missing the "old neighborhoods." So today the two Democratic presidential candidates sent representatives to the Pittsburgh JCC to pander to me and my new neighbors. For my three readers (hi Dad! Grandma! Homeless guy with inexplicable laptop at Starbucks!), I took some notes, running diary-style, so you could feel like you were there too. If anyone asks, you were the one who took all those Hebrew Barack Obama pins.
1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.
Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?
2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.
2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"
Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.
2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?
2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.
2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.
2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.
(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)
2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.
2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."
Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"
Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.
2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...
2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."
2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?
After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.
Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.
Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:
Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.
(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")
Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.
Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok Israel Israel Israel, football, old people...I got nothing. But I'm sure Barack loves the gimps.
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.
Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.
Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?
Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).
Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!
And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.
1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.
Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?
2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.
2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"
Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.
2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?
2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.
2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.
2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.
(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)
2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.
2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."
Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"
Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.
2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...
2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."
2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?
After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.
Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.
Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:
Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.
(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")
Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.
Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.
Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.
Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?
Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).
Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!
And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Texas. Ohio. The Lady vs. The Brother
I was set to do a write-up/liveblog of the results tomorrow night, but I realized that would be a waste of time. Between CNN, MSNBC, Fox, WE, WB, ESPNU, and Nickelodeon there will be about 45,000 analysts picking apart the exit polls, and as original as my fantastic wit can be, there might be some overlap. So tonight I'm violating the principles of time and space and the internet, and liveblogging it now.
8:30 - CNN starts its coverage, and 17 former student club treasurers are offering their take on what to expect in Ohio and Texas:
Anderson Cooper says that the economy will be the biggest issue in Cleveland, while Galveston worries about immigration.
Wolf Blitzer, his beard cultivated in the shape of ancient Gaelic runes, is adamant that pets rights will play an underrated role in people's last minute decisions.
Christiane Amanpour blazes her sultry eyes from a dimlit newsdesk, and proclaims the secret to be the pheromone advantage held by Senator Obama.
9:00 - the polls close in Ohio, and MSNBC calls the state for hometown hero Dennis Kucinich. The diminutive politician is unavailable for comment, as he's already given up the race to take his chances on the dwarf-tossing circuit. In his first heat, he finishes a disappointing third.
9:12 - Brit Hume uses the word "promising" to describe John McCain, and Sean Hannity promptly lays him out with a 2X4 he has stashed under his jacket. Watching off-camera, Ann Coulter completes her portrait (oils on sheepskin) of Rush Limbaugh, naked, riding an Arabian steed across a brilliant green vale. It's glorious.
9:25 - Keith Olbermann counts down the top 10 most evil people in Texas, topping off his list with Daniel Day-Lewis' character in There Will be Blood. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean his sinister legacy doesn't live on in the hearts and minds of the soulless oilmen of today. Dan Patrick, if you're listening, I'm less of a man without you. Come back to me, and we'll spit snark over this crazy thing they call 'democracy.' Dan! DAAAANNNNNNN!"
9:34 - Bill O'Reilly: "Well, early numbers favor Senator Hussein Obama, despite unconfirmed reports that he's molested Christian children as part of a terrorism instruction series he leads at his mosque in Chicago. Also, from sources who wish not to be named, and may or may not be affiliated with her campaign, Senator Hillary Clinton has consumed the heart of her husband Bill, as part of her attempts at swaying the gods who rule over the Texas panhandle. Folks, this is just another example of liberal communist extremists trying to subjugate good Christian folk with their progressive hoo-doo."
10:00 - CNN calls Ohio for Obama, and Chris Matthews has to go change his pants.
10:06 - Exit polls in Dallas put Obama ahead by 346 votes. Geraldo Rivera, in horribly accented Spanish, stands in front of a polling station and asks a young Hispanic woman who she voted for and why. "Geraldo, stop calling me at home. If you come near me again, I'll mace your eyes until they melt. Oh, and your mustache smells like rotting bananas." As Geraldo turns back to the camera, he smirks and says "obviously she's voting for Hillary." Anderson Cooper is not amused. His hair, however, is immaculate.
10:20 - Fox News comes back from commercial to find Dick Morris massaging baby oil into Gretchen Carlson's perfectly toned delts. Gretchen informs us that winos outside a Qwik -Stop in Austin are predicting a Clinton sweep of the border counties.
10:45 - Tim Russert is grilling Mark Penn, Clinton's campaign manager:
Russert: Tell me I'm your mama. Say it! SAY IT!
Penn: ok, you're my mama. Can I have my wallet back now?
Russert: First, let me tell you why tetherball moms are upending CNN's predictions about today's primary.
11:05 - Chris Matthews, tears streaming down his face, calls Texas for Senator Hillary Clinton. "Are you happy now, you blond fascist! What do you have against Barack? Can you not see his beauty? His life-affirming smile, his ears large enough to carry all our prayers? At least acknowledge that he has the legs of Abraham Lincoln. And you think you can do a better job as president than Abraham Lincoln's legs? What hubris, woman!"
11:10 - Rhode Island and Vermont have also evidently held primaries, but no one cares.
8:30 - CNN starts its coverage, and 17 former student club treasurers are offering their take on what to expect in Ohio and Texas:
Anderson Cooper says that the economy will be the biggest issue in Cleveland, while Galveston worries about immigration.
Wolf Blitzer, his beard cultivated in the shape of ancient Gaelic runes, is adamant that pets rights will play an underrated role in people's last minute decisions.
Christiane Amanpour blazes her sultry eyes from a dimlit newsdesk, and proclaims the secret to be the pheromone advantage held by Senator Obama.
9:00 - the polls close in Ohio, and MSNBC calls the state for hometown hero Dennis Kucinich. The diminutive politician is unavailable for comment, as he's already given up the race to take his chances on the dwarf-tossing circuit. In his first heat, he finishes a disappointing third.
9:12 - Brit Hume uses the word "promising" to describe John McCain, and Sean Hannity promptly lays him out with a 2X4 he has stashed under his jacket. Watching off-camera, Ann Coulter completes her portrait (oils on sheepskin) of Rush Limbaugh, naked, riding an Arabian steed across a brilliant green vale. It's glorious.
9:25 - Keith Olbermann counts down the top 10 most evil people in Texas, topping off his list with Daniel Day-Lewis' character in There Will be Blood. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean his sinister legacy doesn't live on in the hearts and minds of the soulless oilmen of today. Dan Patrick, if you're listening, I'm less of a man without you. Come back to me, and we'll spit snark over this crazy thing they call 'democracy.' Dan! DAAAANNNNNNN!"
9:34 - Bill O'Reilly: "Well, early numbers favor Senator Hussein Obama, despite unconfirmed reports that he's molested Christian children as part of a terrorism instruction series he leads at his mosque in Chicago. Also, from sources who wish not to be named, and may or may not be affiliated with her campaign, Senator Hillary Clinton has consumed the heart of her husband Bill, as part of her attempts at swaying the gods who rule over the Texas panhandle. Folks, this is just another example of liberal communist extremists trying to subjugate good Christian folk with their progressive hoo-doo."
10:00 - CNN calls Ohio for Obama, and Chris Matthews has to go change his pants.
10:06 - Exit polls in Dallas put Obama ahead by 346 votes. Geraldo Rivera, in horribly accented Spanish, stands in front of a polling station and asks a young Hispanic woman who she voted for and why. "Geraldo, stop calling me at home. If you come near me again, I'll mace your eyes until they melt. Oh, and your mustache smells like rotting bananas." As Geraldo turns back to the camera, he smirks and says "obviously she's voting for Hillary." Anderson Cooper is not amused. His hair, however, is immaculate.
10:20 - Fox News comes back from commercial to find Dick Morris massaging baby oil into Gretchen Carlson's perfectly toned delts. Gretchen informs us that winos outside a Qwik -Stop in Austin are predicting a Clinton sweep of the border counties.
10:45 - Tim Russert is grilling Mark Penn, Clinton's campaign manager:
Russert: Tell me I'm your mama. Say it! SAY IT!
Penn: ok, you're my mama. Can I have my wallet back now?
Russert: First, let me tell you why tetherball moms are upending CNN's predictions about today's primary.
11:05 - Chris Matthews, tears streaming down his face, calls Texas for Senator Hillary Clinton. "Are you happy now, you blond fascist! What do you have against Barack? Can you not see his beauty? His life-affirming smile, his ears large enough to carry all our prayers? At least acknowledge that he has the legs of Abraham Lincoln. And you think you can do a better job as president than Abraham Lincoln's legs? What hubris, woman!"
11:10 - Rhode Island and Vermont have also evidently held primaries, but no one cares.
Monday, February 25, 2008
F**k you, Ralph Nader
Fuck you, Ralph Nader. I know I already said that in the title, but I'm saying it again. Here, once more - Fuck you, Ralph Nader.
Let it go, you consumer watchdog-humping bastard. These past 7 years of awful governing are your fault. Go back to insisting on safety standards for cars, and not ruining our country.
This is obviously not about 2004, or really any of your presidential runs except the big one. The one where there actually was a difference between Al Gore and President Cokehead Jesusfreak. The one where you decided that it was time for a 3rd party. And that, most of all, is what I blame you for, and why you can go get waterboarded in a secret American prison somewhere in Eastern Europe.
A 3rd party is a great idea. If it were legitimate, it would turn the system on its ear, and even if it doesn't provoke real debate on the issues, at least it gives a little more geometrical diversity to the conventional one-on-one of the Democrats v. the GOP.
And with your little stunt in 2000, you set it back 50 years. And you decide to come out now, when the two frontrunners both appeal to independents, and to many voters equally represent change and a new direction? Fuck you, you deadweight on the bloated corpse of democracy. Are your ideas original? No, they are not. Have you accomplished anything significant other than the resurrection of the Republican party? Again, no. Are you even going to get your name on all 50 ballots? Not if you don't have any money. And who's going to donate, Karl Rove?
Or maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Maybe your reemergence from under your slime-covered rock will remind people what happened last time you decided to get involved, and how badly that turned out for everyone. Your candidacy could actually be a boon, if this is your message:
"I'm running for president so you won't vote for me. I'm here to hark back to what happened in 2000, when I helped the Texan from Connecticut steal an election. So remember, voters, what that led to, and what the danger is of supporting me. I represent nothing other than a warning sign, a 'there but for the grace of G-d goeth the nation.' So support the cause, and don't vote for me. Because a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for the status quo, it is a non-vote, it is time better spent emptying your mind with reality television and eating fast food. Thank you, and G-d bless America."
There. I almost convinced myself that his candidacy may actually benefit the country.
Almost.
Let it go, you consumer watchdog-humping bastard. These past 7 years of awful governing are your fault. Go back to insisting on safety standards for cars, and not ruining our country.
This is obviously not about 2004, or really any of your presidential runs except the big one. The one where there actually was a difference between Al Gore and President Cokehead Jesusfreak. The one where you decided that it was time for a 3rd party. And that, most of all, is what I blame you for, and why you can go get waterboarded in a secret American prison somewhere in Eastern Europe.
A 3rd party is a great idea. If it were legitimate, it would turn the system on its ear, and even if it doesn't provoke real debate on the issues, at least it gives a little more geometrical diversity to the conventional one-on-one of the Democrats v. the GOP.
And with your little stunt in 2000, you set it back 50 years. And you decide to come out now, when the two frontrunners both appeal to independents, and to many voters equally represent change and a new direction? Fuck you, you deadweight on the bloated corpse of democracy. Are your ideas original? No, they are not. Have you accomplished anything significant other than the resurrection of the Republican party? Again, no. Are you even going to get your name on all 50 ballots? Not if you don't have any money. And who's going to donate, Karl Rove?
Or maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Maybe your reemergence from under your slime-covered rock will remind people what happened last time you decided to get involved, and how badly that turned out for everyone. Your candidacy could actually be a boon, if this is your message:
"I'm running for president so you won't vote for me. I'm here to hark back to what happened in 2000, when I helped the Texan from Connecticut steal an election. So remember, voters, what that led to, and what the danger is of supporting me. I represent nothing other than a warning sign, a 'there but for the grace of G-d goeth the nation.' So support the cause, and don't vote for me. Because a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for the status quo, it is a non-vote, it is time better spent emptying your mind with reality television and eating fast food. Thank you, and G-d bless America."
There. I almost convinced myself that his candidacy may actually benefit the country.
Almost.
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