America, F*** Yeah! - RNC, Day 2

I'm switching tonight from CNN to C-Span, because I want to actually hear the speeches. First up - America's Mayor and America's Cross-Dresser, Rudolph Giuliani.

Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?

I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.

Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.

It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?

Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.

Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).

C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?

Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.

Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.

"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.

Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).

Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.

What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?

Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?

I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.

Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.

A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.

No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?

Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.

Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.

Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?

Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.

Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.

Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).

How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?

Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!

Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.

Were there visual aids at the DNC?

Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.

Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.

Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.

Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.

I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.

Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?

Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.

And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.

She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.

I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.

Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?

I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.

Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!

The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.