- Did you know that BET had election coverage? Say what you want about men with dreads in suits, but that guy could really break down an exit poll.
- CNN's holograms were a waste of money, and effort and completely sweet. I just can't wait for all the newscasters to do their thing via hologram. Not so much because it would change how they did it, but then they'd all be wrapped in a pretty purple aura. Because, like, auras are awesome.
- I was disappointed by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Was 2 hours of coverage really too much to ask? They couldn't pull it off with some more guests, or more Rob Riggle pants-less time? But Colbert was hilarious, so it's all good.
- What I missed from Fox's coverage? Weeping. I wanted tears, and questioning of Jesus' majesty, and ridiculous denial:
"Just remember, folks, they thought Dewey had defeated Truman. And Dewey wasn't even bla- I mean liberal!"
"People lie in exit polls all the time. Is it so hard to understand how that dishonesty could extend into the polling booths as well? Voters actually lying to the government about who they want as president? For shame, America."
"Barack who? No, that guy is McCain's butler. McCain's just letting him give the victory speech because he's busy drinking mint juleps and watching Sarah Palin pick up pens off the floor. MMMMMM, Governor Tight-Ass indeed. What was that? We're on the air? ... I don't believe you."
- Has Al Franken won yet?
- I think it speaks volumes for Alaska that they still might reelect Ted Stevens. Let it go, folks. He's going to jail, I don't know how much he can get you in earmarks and wasteful projects while he's being ass-raped by Jojo.
- As a Jewish community professional focused on continuity and strengthening Jewish identity, I can't tell you what a marketing coup it is having Rahm Emmanuel as Obama's chief of staff. This is sure to bring in at least another three hundred dollars in donations. Maybe even 350.
- I'm not sure, but I think Wife let Child vote for her. We had touchscreens here in Pennsylvania, and Child was in the B-Jorn, and his hands were waving all over the place as they are wont to do, and all I'm saying is they spent a lot of time in that booth.
- John McCain gave a gracious, respectful concession speech. Who knows how things could have turned out for him if all of his campaign speeches had been like that?
- There was talk about what Sarah Palin would be doing now that the election is over, and she tanked McCain's campaign. Analysts gave 2 choices: a presidential run in 2012, or Hollywood reporter. Which I guess for her skillset there's really no other choices.
- Oh, I don't know if you heard this, but Obama is going to be the next president of these United States. I don't know what this means for the country, but I do know one thing for certain: his will be the most-mentioned middle name since Franklin Delano Roosevelt. We should just start calling him BHO and get it over with.
- And no, now that this is over I have no idea what I'm going to write about all the time. Probably porn. Yeah, porn it is.
Showing posts with label viva la revolucion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label viva la revolucion. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Is it...is it over?
24 hours from now I will be drunk. It will either be a wonderful, champagne-bath-style drunkenness, or a miserable "dammit 4 more years of white people" drunkenness. Either way, I love beer.
2 years! We've been reading about these two men for 24 months, 104 weeks. And it's only been a couple of months with Governor Yokel, but it's seemed like decades. I can't even handle Tina Fey's impression of her anymore, I want to smack both of them.
I'm not going to link to any of the recent articles. I'm not going to refer to time spent as a community organizer, or a POW. I'm not going to talk about reverends, or Alaskan secession, or plagiarizing British parliamentarians of the 1980's.
All I'm going to say is that you should vote tomorrow. But I'm not going to get all mushy and "hooray for the process!" like the fifteen e-mails I got today from people who are just trying to be up for democracy.
If you're going to vote for John McCain, curl up with your favorite Matlock rerun, and stay the fuck home.
Like I said before, I'm not rehashing the reasons you should vote for Obama. If you don't know them already, then you're either a hermit or opening up the newest KKK chapter in your area (franchising is a wonderful way to support your community, folks!). And if someone asks you who you voted for, it is not in fact private. Shouldn't you be proud of your vote? Shout it from the rooftops! Own it! If you're afraid of change or black people or someone who's smarter and more charismatic than you, just say so. Or if you hate old people and Vietnam veterans and soldiers in general, and think Jeremiah Wright was criticized just because he was speaking truth to power, then you should be proud of that, too.
Either way, vote for Barack Obama. You know you should.
Oh, and the Bears beat the Lions. Shocker. Even without the Neckbeard, and with the Sex Cannon leading the charge, it was still Matt Forte carrying us all home in his warm embrace. What a man.
Programming note: I wanted to liveblog tomorrow night, but it turns out I have friends and am going to watch the returns with them. I'll try to remember each sizzling hilarious detail of the evening, but as mentioned above I shall be trashed, so don't expect Shakespeare. But do expect random appearances by unicorns, Alan Greenspan, and a few former popes. Happy Election Day!
2 years! We've been reading about these two men for 24 months, 104 weeks. And it's only been a couple of months with Governor Yokel, but it's seemed like decades. I can't even handle Tina Fey's impression of her anymore, I want to smack both of them.
I'm not going to link to any of the recent articles. I'm not going to refer to time spent as a community organizer, or a POW. I'm not going to talk about reverends, or Alaskan secession, or plagiarizing British parliamentarians of the 1980's.
All I'm going to say is that you should vote tomorrow. But I'm not going to get all mushy and "hooray for the process!" like the fifteen e-mails I got today from people who are just trying to be up for democracy.
If you're going to vote for John McCain, curl up with your favorite Matlock rerun, and stay the fuck home.
Like I said before, I'm not rehashing the reasons you should vote for Obama. If you don't know them already, then you're either a hermit or opening up the newest KKK chapter in your area (franchising is a wonderful way to support your community, folks!). And if someone asks you who you voted for, it is not in fact private. Shouldn't you be proud of your vote? Shout it from the rooftops! Own it! If you're afraid of change or black people or someone who's smarter and more charismatic than you, just say so. Or if you hate old people and Vietnam veterans and soldiers in general, and think Jeremiah Wright was criticized just because he was speaking truth to power, then you should be proud of that, too.
Either way, vote for Barack Obama. You know you should.
Oh, and the Bears beat the Lions. Shocker. Even without the Neckbeard, and with the Sex Cannon leading the charge, it was still Matt Forte carrying us all home in his warm embrace. What a man.
Programming note: I wanted to liveblog tomorrow night, but it turns out I have friends and am going to watch the returns with them. I'll try to remember each sizzling hilarious detail of the evening, but as mentioned above I shall be trashed, so don't expect Shakespeare. But do expect random appearances by unicorns, Alan Greenspan, and a few former popes. Happy Election Day!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Once you go black...
I was all set to write about my No Fear Player of the Month, Senator Ted Stevens, R-AK, who was found guilty on 7 felony counts of corruption and bribery. What makes him so gosh-darn indefatigable is that he is persisting in his Senate campaign. And because it's Alaska, home of rocks, oil, and Governor Tina Fey, he may be the first senator ever to serve his term from a jail cell. So hoorah to you, sir.
So I was going to snark all over that. And then I saw this:
He's dashing, he's daring, he smells like...our new President. Three cheers for the bus driver, bus driver man.
When I heard he was going to do this, I had several reactions. First, I wondered at the vast sums of money that allowed him to buy all that time: he's raised over $600 million in less than 2 years. That's 600 million dollars. 600. Million. He has so much money he's buying ad space in video games. He has raised so much money he's funding the next bailout. Obama has brought in so much cash he's making it rain, and he can afford to actually create precipitation instead of just throwing singles at strippers.
The next thing I thought about was how unbelievably self-indulgent the ad could be. The possibility of a front-runner for leader of the free world, having most of the country's attention to say...what, exactly? Would he take a crap on a picture of John McCain on camera? Hell, with that kind of money, he could pay McCain himself to appear in person and be pooped on, and still have enough left over to sway undecided voters in Virginia. Or would it just be footage of him speaking in that sweet sweet baritone, as Nubian princesses rubbed baby oil over his chiseled torso? Either way, it wasn't going to be pretty, and might just be the bump McCain needs at this late date to get back into the race.
So I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't too self-aggrandizing, it wasn't all that messianic, and he wasn't on camera nearly as much as he could have been. And while I thought Bill Richardson's beard was pathetic, for the most part the endorsers were pretty good.
Was it a transformative experience? No. Do I think it will change people's minds? Sure, why not. If you thought Barack Obama was a Muslim socialist who eats the hearts and livers of gentle white folk while listening to Public Enemy and snorting blow off an American flag, then you might be persuaded by the video. And it put to shame McCain's increasingly nasty message, given that McCain and Palin came up exactly not at all. So in that sense it was a clear plus for Obama.
What I would have liked to see - and it would have been underhanded, dirty, and hilarious - is 27 minutes of backroom footage of Palin trashing her meal ticket, and criticizing his campaign strategy.
"Oh, dat old guy doesn't know his yass from his yelbow, donchaknow."
Lord, she's appalling. I know she's got lots of kids, and an adoring husband who loves her but hates America and wants Alaska to secede, but I really want her to catch a football with her nose, Marcia Brady-style. That would make my day.
Don't get all huffy and say she doesn't deserve it. She's earned the broken nose. Just ask John McCain.
So I was going to snark all over that. And then I saw this:
He's dashing, he's daring, he smells like...our new President. Three cheers for the bus driver, bus driver man.
When I heard he was going to do this, I had several reactions. First, I wondered at the vast sums of money that allowed him to buy all that time: he's raised over $600 million in less than 2 years. That's 600 million dollars. 600. Million. He has so much money he's buying ad space in video games. He has raised so much money he's funding the next bailout. Obama has brought in so much cash he's making it rain, and he can afford to actually create precipitation instead of just throwing singles at strippers.
The next thing I thought about was how unbelievably self-indulgent the ad could be. The possibility of a front-runner for leader of the free world, having most of the country's attention to say...what, exactly? Would he take a crap on a picture of John McCain on camera? Hell, with that kind of money, he could pay McCain himself to appear in person and be pooped on, and still have enough left over to sway undecided voters in Virginia. Or would it just be footage of him speaking in that sweet sweet baritone, as Nubian princesses rubbed baby oil over his chiseled torso? Either way, it wasn't going to be pretty, and might just be the bump McCain needs at this late date to get back into the race.
So I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't too self-aggrandizing, it wasn't all that messianic, and he wasn't on camera nearly as much as he could have been. And while I thought Bill Richardson's beard was pathetic, for the most part the endorsers were pretty good.
Was it a transformative experience? No. Do I think it will change people's minds? Sure, why not. If you thought Barack Obama was a Muslim socialist who eats the hearts and livers of gentle white folk while listening to Public Enemy and snorting blow off an American flag, then you might be persuaded by the video. And it put to shame McCain's increasingly nasty message, given that McCain and Palin came up exactly not at all. So in that sense it was a clear plus for Obama.
What I would have liked to see - and it would have been underhanded, dirty, and hilarious - is 27 minutes of backroom footage of Palin trashing her meal ticket, and criticizing his campaign strategy.
"Oh, dat old guy doesn't know his yass from his yelbow, donchaknow."
Lord, she's appalling. I know she's got lots of kids, and an adoring husband who loves her but hates America and wants Alaska to secede, but I really want her to catch a football with her nose, Marcia Brady-style. That would make my day.
Don't get all huffy and say she doesn't deserve it. She's earned the broken nose. Just ask John McCain.
Monday, October 27, 2008
8 days and counting
Need I remind you that there are 8 days between birth and circumcision?
That while 7, in the context of the world being created in 7 days, renders 8 as the supernatural, the "beyond worldly bounds?"
I think I do.
There are 8 days until Election Day. Some of you are angry because your candidate is old and likes boobs so much he made them his VP candidate. Some of you are strutting around like you forgot what racism is. And some of you are like me - terrified with a small but hardy center of quiet optimism.
Before I get to me, I want to say a few words about gridlock. If you think the government is bad, or at best incompetent, you want gridlock, so they can do nothing. This is George Bush's position, as dictated by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney: leave the government with nothing, and it can do nothing. Thus the free market reigns.
This is not how I roll. When the first whispers of an all Blue government arose someone asked me what I envisioned as a successful first term for Obama. Here's my list:
- Socialized healthcare. Not universal, socialized. Because we're socialists, and now we have all of the power. What are you going to do, suckas? Go wait in line for bread.
- Subsidized day care. Because more women working means more taxes coming in. Plus, as much as I have some problems with Hillary Clinton, there's something about a lady in a pantsuit...
- Does Hilary have one or two L's? Does she know? Does Bill? I bet Chelsea knows.
- A new GI bill. And not one based on 1945 costs, I'm talking free college for soldiers, and people who commit to an equivalent length of service to the country. And if the schools don't like it they're free to give up their Defense Department grants.
- North Dakota and South Dakota will be joined, and there shall be Dakota. Because really you're both useless as states, but it just wouldn't be fair to hand you over to Canada like you deserve.
- A commitment to alternative energy and infrastructure that includes internet access in every home. Where will all the money come from? What a silly question; we're Democrats! We're going to tax the shit out of rich people and corporations!
- For the first 100 days, every abortion in the country is free. Especially in Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Wyoming, South Carolina, Dakota and Texas. Not because we hate babies, but because we hate your babies, almost as much as you hate your women. Except Sarah Palin, but she's Tina Fey-sexy.
Sure, there are dozens of other important issues, like bailing out some more investment banks, or nationalizing the search for a cheap, safe hydrogen engine. But those things can wait until a second term.
That while 7, in the context of the world being created in 7 days, renders 8 as the supernatural, the "beyond worldly bounds?"
I think I do.
There are 8 days until Election Day. Some of you are angry because your candidate is old and likes boobs so much he made them his VP candidate. Some of you are strutting around like you forgot what racism is. And some of you are like me - terrified with a small but hardy center of quiet optimism.
Before I get to me, I want to say a few words about gridlock. If you think the government is bad, or at best incompetent, you want gridlock, so they can do nothing. This is George Bush's position, as dictated by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney: leave the government with nothing, and it can do nothing. Thus the free market reigns.
This is not how I roll. When the first whispers of an all Blue government arose someone asked me what I envisioned as a successful first term for Obama. Here's my list:
- Socialized healthcare. Not universal, socialized. Because we're socialists, and now we have all of the power. What are you going to do, suckas? Go wait in line for bread.
- Subsidized day care. Because more women working means more taxes coming in. Plus, as much as I have some problems with Hillary Clinton, there's something about a lady in a pantsuit...
- Does Hilary have one or two L's? Does she know? Does Bill? I bet Chelsea knows.
- A new GI bill. And not one based on 1945 costs, I'm talking free college for soldiers, and people who commit to an equivalent length of service to the country. And if the schools don't like it they're free to give up their Defense Department grants.
- North Dakota and South Dakota will be joined, and there shall be Dakota. Because really you're both useless as states, but it just wouldn't be fair to hand you over to Canada like you deserve.
- A commitment to alternative energy and infrastructure that includes internet access in every home. Where will all the money come from? What a silly question; we're Democrats! We're going to tax the shit out of rich people and corporations!
- For the first 100 days, every abortion in the country is free. Especially in Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Wyoming, South Carolina, Dakota and Texas. Not because we hate babies, but because we hate your babies, almost as much as you hate your women. Except Sarah Palin, but she's Tina Fey-sexy.
Sure, there are dozens of other important issues, like bailing out some more investment banks, or nationalizing the search for a cheap, safe hydrogen engine. But those things can wait until a second term.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
How do Republicans spell President? P-O-W. RNC, Day 3.
It's not a Republican gathering until old white people start dancing to "Celebration." And...done. It's sexy, but for my grandpa.
I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.
Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)
"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?
Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.
Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.
It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.
Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)
Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)
Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.
The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.
Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)
When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.
The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.
Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!
Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.
Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.
Yay culture of life! Yay war!
It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.
How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.
If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.
Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.
FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.
Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.
McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.
ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.
Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!
I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.
I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.
McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.
Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.
Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!
NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.
"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"
I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.
Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)
"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?
Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.
Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.
It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.
Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)
Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)
Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.
The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.
Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)
When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.
The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.
Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!
Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.
Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.
Yay culture of life! Yay war!
It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.
How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.
If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.
Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.
FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.
Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.
McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.
ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN LICKING OF THE LIPS.
Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!
I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.
I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.
McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.
Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.
Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!
NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.
"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
America, F*** Yeah! - RNC, Day 2
I'm switching tonight from CNN to C-Span, because I want to actually hear the speeches. First up - America's Mayor and America's Cross-Dresser, Rudolph Giuliani.
Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?
I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.
Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.
It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?
Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.
Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).
C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?
Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.
Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.
"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.
Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).
Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.
What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?
Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?
I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.
Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.
A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.
No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?
Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.
Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.
Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?
Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.
Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.
Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).
How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?
Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!
Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.
Were there visual aids at the DNC?
Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.
Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.
Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.
Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.
I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.
Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?
Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.
And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.
She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.
I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.
Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?
I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.
Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!
The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.
Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?
I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.
Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.
It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?
Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.
Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).
C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?
Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.
Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.
"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.
Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).
Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.
What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?
Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?
I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.
Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.
A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.
No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?
Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.
Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.
Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?
Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.
Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.
Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).
How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?
Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!
Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.
Were there visual aids at the DNC?
Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.
Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.
Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.
Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.
I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.
Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?
Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.
And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.
She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.
I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.
Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?
I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.
Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!
The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.
Day 1- I mean 2, in the uberhip Minnesota environs
I really did want to liveblog the RNC like I did with the DNC last week. Really. But Wife and I had to paint our new apartment. And unlike other couples, we don't just talk about improving our new digs - we actually go out and do it. Some people may sit down on a Sunday morning over their mimosas and New York Times and talk about colors and brushes and whatnot. Only the Pants Wearer and his intrepid spouse put family values and warm inviting color schemes over politics. Let's see my opponent do that.
I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.
Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.
President Bush:
I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."
Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.
Fred Thompson:
experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.
Joey Jewy Lieberman:
The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
I mean, if I had an opponent. Which, as far as I know, I do not. Except maybe our mailman. I hate that bastard.
Anyhoo, I figured today, for your enjoyment, I would un-liveblog last night. To maintain a dispassionate objectivity I have read exactly one article on the night's spectacle, and that only to learn who spoke: George Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. Herewith, then, are my imagined reactions to the speeches they gave in my head.
President Bush:
I wonder how that little dialog went? "Mr. President, we'd love for you to give a little talk for the good people of Minnesota. But we're sure you're very busy, what with the whole last year in office-senioritis thing. So don't worry about actually coming to the convention."
"Are you sure? Cause after I play some golf in the morning, and write a stern e-mail to Russia about the treaty that they're not, you know, doing their thing for, holding up their end of the bargain, I'm pretty free for the next four months."
"No, sir, really. You don't even need to show up in the state. We'll set it up all nice for you in the White House, and we'll do a live feed."
"Sweet! I don't even have to put pants on! Can I mention how close John and I are now, after all that we've been through?"
"Maybe talk about the war, or Gustav, or something not related whatsoever to Senator McCain. In fact, if you don't mention a single thing on which the two of you agree, we'll send you a whole bag of Whatchmacallits."
"'Whaddayacallit? Whatchamacallit!' You know I love that commercial? Condi, call the FCC, I want to watch that fucker right now."
Does Bush even know who Sarah Palin is? Does John McCain? Because the Republican leadership has NO idea.
Fred Thompson:
experience, war hero, experience, POW, ready to lead, Sarah Palin, actual governing, corny Southern idiom, John McCain - Stallone+Chuck Norris+Ronald Reagan, war hero, experience, did you know that John McCain fought in Vietnam? experience, corny Southern joke. The end. As far as I know he didn't take a nap at the podium, so the speech was considered rousing and vigorous.
Joey Jewy Lieberman:
The one thing I did hear was that he spoke about loyalty. Excuse me while I clean up the vomit on my keyboard.
McCain is my friend. He didn't abandon me just because I support a wasteful war. In fact, that's WHY he likes me. Take that, Connecticut High quarterback Tad Whitestone. Try and give me a wedgie now, see how quickly Mr. War Hero Presidential Candidate kicks your ass.
Sarah Palin? Experience up the ass. Fights corruption once everyone hears that something is corrupt. That's efficient - if she'd gotten ahead of the people, no one would give her credit, except those who value ethics and integrity.
(Factual note - you know all that hullaballoo about Palin fighting against the Bridge to Nowhere? Yeah, she John Kerry'd that: she was for it before she was against it. But don't criticize her about that, it's in her past, and it's not nice to scold a lady. Cause if you remember, Sarah Palin is a woman. And women vote for women, right? Right? Because otherwise, why the hell is she on the ticket?)
Democrats don't love America as much as Republicans do. That's why I'll be a Republican as soon as they let me. I may have to convert, but whatever. It's worth it. And John McCain is the man to lead us into new and more exciting wars, like with Iran, or Jordan, or Syria, or the Palestinians, or Hezbollah, or the Labor Party, or Tzippy Livni - wait a second, sorry about that. Sometimes I get my countries mixed up.
(Jewish note - don't think I don't love and adore Israel, and support and burn for its right to exist and be secure in its borders. But maybe supporting military action that, in the long run, is against Israel's security interests might not be the best way to protect her. But then, I'm not a neoconservative, so what do I know.)
Oh, and all the bubbes in Boca? Don't forget, Barack Hussein Obama is black. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I love the 4...th day at the DNC
How did David Strathairn get the nod to narrate Obama's biography video? Is it because he was so great as a blind guy in Sneakers? Or a guy who loved to watch chicks play baseball in A League of Their Own?
Right, the whole Edward Murrow thing in Good Night & Good Luck. Now it all comes together.
Michelle and Barack are a cute couple and all, but who goes to a community meeting on their first date? Cheap people, that's who. That would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Woohoo, student loans! Give it up for Pell Grants!
This may be the wrong night to ask this question, but I'm really curious: who is more defined by the prominence of his ears, Barack Obama, or Stephen Colbert? Is Colbert's whackjobness attributable to that rogue appendage? Seriously, it's trying to escape his head.
I have to apologize, I didn't really focus on the biography video. Solely based on the music, though, Obama's life was really depressing. I didn't know they had black kids in Dickens novels. Maybe pick some Kanye or Presidents of the United States of America, something to get the booty shakin'.
Thank Hillary Clinton? Check. Bill? Check. There, that's done. Now let us never speak of them again.
Again with the licking of the lips! Where's the Bert's Bees sponsorship when you need it? Or would that put Obama too close to the Big Wax lobby?
Clock it - just four minutes of positivity before the first knock on the Republicans.
"8 is enough." I loved that show. Makes for a good chant, too.
I'm not ready to take a 10% chance on change - now that's a buuuuuuurrrrrn.
The problem with bringing up the "nation of whiners" quote is that McCain can quote Obama directly - not his proxie - on how people are "bitter," and thus cling to "guns and religion."
I don't get the whole "footage of TV screens" thing. Doesn't CNN have access to those feeds in Maryland and Times Square? Watching TV watching TV is just weird.
Hooray! Real, substantive policy!
10! 10 years to wean ourselves off Middle Eastern oil! Which would be more impressive: Kennedy's man on the moon prediction, or energy independence? It's damn close, that's for sure.
Um, Barack? Ixnay on the eanclay oalcay and uclearnay owerpay. Not exactly the crowd to talk up Big Coal and Big...what, Uranium? Big Atom? Big Nuke? We've got to come up with some cheeky reference to the nuclear power lobby.
Whoa whoa whoa. The whole point of being a Democrat is so I don't have to worry about personal responsibility. If you're going to start making us do stuff, we're gonna, you know, not...do...stuff.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I know I'm supposed to keep up with the funny, but my sweet Lord this is an amazing speech. Did I say that Biden might be ready to speak on Thursday? After this, the bar is set way too high for anyone but Barack Obama to speak on Thursday. Obama's speech in 2004 was incredible, but this...wow.
David the commentator asked me what I have against John McCain, why I hate heroes. I had some good lines ready - I fear the elderly, he's been eating out of Bush's hand ever since 2000, that I want a president who knows where he left his car keys, let alone the difference between Shias and Sunnis.
But you know what? Fundamentally it's about presence, and ability. Barack is presidential, and John McCain is not. Barack Obama has the wherewithal, the intelligence, and the integrity to succeed at the most powerful job in the world, and John McCain does not. John McCain is a war hero, no question. But Barack Obama is the next commander in chief.
But if Obama ends up giving us more empty rhetoric, and doesn't accomplish anything, I will rake him over the fucking coals. And they won't even be clean coals. Dirty, polluting coals, sprayed with plastic and Saudi Arabian oil.
Right, the whole Edward Murrow thing in Good Night & Good Luck. Now it all comes together.
Michelle and Barack are a cute couple and all, but who goes to a community meeting on their first date? Cheap people, that's who. That would have been a dealbreaker for me.
Woohoo, student loans! Give it up for Pell Grants!
This may be the wrong night to ask this question, but I'm really curious: who is more defined by the prominence of his ears, Barack Obama, or Stephen Colbert? Is Colbert's whackjobness attributable to that rogue appendage? Seriously, it's trying to escape his head.
I have to apologize, I didn't really focus on the biography video. Solely based on the music, though, Obama's life was really depressing. I didn't know they had black kids in Dickens novels. Maybe pick some Kanye or Presidents of the United States of America, something to get the booty shakin'.
Thank Hillary Clinton? Check. Bill? Check. There, that's done. Now let us never speak of them again.
Again with the licking of the lips! Where's the Bert's Bees sponsorship when you need it? Or would that put Obama too close to the Big Wax lobby?
Clock it - just four minutes of positivity before the first knock on the Republicans.
"8 is enough." I loved that show. Makes for a good chant, too.
I'm not ready to take a 10% chance on change - now that's a buuuuuuurrrrrn.
The problem with bringing up the "nation of whiners" quote is that McCain can quote Obama directly - not his proxie - on how people are "bitter," and thus cling to "guns and religion."
I don't get the whole "footage of TV screens" thing. Doesn't CNN have access to those feeds in Maryland and Times Square? Watching TV watching TV is just weird.
Hooray! Real, substantive policy!
10! 10 years to wean ourselves off Middle Eastern oil! Which would be more impressive: Kennedy's man on the moon prediction, or energy independence? It's damn close, that's for sure.
Um, Barack? Ixnay on the eanclay oalcay and uclearnay owerpay. Not exactly the crowd to talk up Big Coal and Big...what, Uranium? Big Atom? Big Nuke? We've got to come up with some cheeky reference to the nuclear power lobby.
Whoa whoa whoa. The whole point of being a Democrat is so I don't have to worry about personal responsibility. If you're going to start making us do stuff, we're gonna, you know, not...do...stuff.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I know I'm supposed to keep up with the funny, but my sweet Lord this is an amazing speech. Did I say that Biden might be ready to speak on Thursday? After this, the bar is set way too high for anyone but Barack Obama to speak on Thursday. Obama's speech in 2004 was incredible, but this...wow.
David the commentator asked me what I have against John McCain, why I hate heroes. I had some good lines ready - I fear the elderly, he's been eating out of Bush's hand ever since 2000, that I want a president who knows where he left his car keys, let alone the difference between Shias and Sunnis.
But you know what? Fundamentally it's about presence, and ability. Barack is presidential, and John McCain is not. Barack Obama has the wherewithal, the intelligence, and the integrity to succeed at the most powerful job in the world, and John McCain does not. John McCain is a war hero, no question. But Barack Obama is the next commander in chief.
But if Obama ends up giving us more empty rhetoric, and doesn't accomplish anything, I will rake him over the fucking coals. And they won't even be clean coals. Dirty, polluting coals, sprayed with plastic and Saudi Arabian oil.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Why I'd be the best leader for Greenland
In all the hubbub over Georgia trying to convince Russia that no means no, a bunch of other states want to move out of Mom and Dad's basement, despite the free rent. Greenland's story is the most compelling to me.
First, you have the first public act of sarcasm in human history. I knew about the Vikings and their love of funny hats,
but who knew they were so edgy? Now they're like the Janeane Garofalo of ancient empires.
The one thing that connects these in utero nations is their need for a leader. Someone with the fiery charisma and wild-eyed antisocial nature to really bring their new independence into sharp relief. And that is why I think I'm the perfect new king - or prime minister, or premier, I'm not too choosy about titles - for Greenland.
Other candidates may have stronger backgrounds in diplomacy, or management. But what I bring to the prow of the Greenland schooner is iconoclasm.
You want crazy ideas? Deal with these: I don't think Cypress is a real country. I think Vladimir Putin, deep down, wishes he'd never abandoned his ballet lessons. I believe dragons are the solution to the world's dependency on oil. Bunny rabbits represent all that is evil and unholy. Penny loafers are ugly, but make excellent doorstops.
It's this sort of nowhere-near-center thinking that will make Greenland a power player in the 21st century. With my firm hand on Greenland's mane I shall lead its gallop past other upstarts like Venezuela, Gibbon, and Papua New Guinea. Who will know how to deal with our truth? Together, Greenland, we will captivate the imaginations of the 24-hour news networks, and the PR will be fantastic, and unending. Tourism will skyrocket with my creation of the "Snow-Shoveling Championships," to take place annually until all the snow melts.
But then we won't need the snow, because the natural beauty of our great nation will finally be laid bare before the lustful eyes of the other nations. The U.N. will clamor to move its office to our southern coast, if only to make vacationing more convenient. Decades away, you say? Not if we start burning coal right now. Aerosol sprays, bans on recycling, subsidies for the use of plastics - as your leader I will do everything in my power to expedite global warming.
And when the seas rise, and the sun beats down mercilessly on the middle of the planet (now extending into southern Canada and the Russian steppe), people will flock to Greenland, and we shall be the new Global Empire. All this is possible if you make me your president, or "Snowman on High," or whatever your CEO designation may be.
Sure, there's a constitution to draft, and wigs to wear, and a war of independence and all that to be accomplished. And what of a national anthem (I suggest "Don't Stop Believing," by Journey)? But I hate wigs, and my penmanship is dreadful. Let's let the pinhead beareaucrats handle the details. In the meantime I'll be telling Denmark to go fuck itself, and leading a pack of Greenlanders toward the harbor, where we'll dump box after box of danishes into the icy Atlantic ocean.
Danishes, by the way, are my least favorite pastry. They're sticky, and they often contain fruit, which has no business within a sugary treat. So nuts to them, and nuts to you, Denmark. Greenland forever!
First, you have the first public act of sarcasm in human history. I knew about the Vikings and their love of funny hats,
but who knew they were so edgy? Now they're like the Janeane Garofalo of ancient empires.
The one thing that connects these in utero nations is their need for a leader. Someone with the fiery charisma and wild-eyed antisocial nature to really bring their new independence into sharp relief. And that is why I think I'm the perfect new king - or prime minister, or premier, I'm not too choosy about titles - for Greenland.
Other candidates may have stronger backgrounds in diplomacy, or management. But what I bring to the prow of the Greenland schooner is iconoclasm.
You want crazy ideas? Deal with these: I don't think Cypress is a real country. I think Vladimir Putin, deep down, wishes he'd never abandoned his ballet lessons. I believe dragons are the solution to the world's dependency on oil. Bunny rabbits represent all that is evil and unholy. Penny loafers are ugly, but make excellent doorstops.
It's this sort of nowhere-near-center thinking that will make Greenland a power player in the 21st century. With my firm hand on Greenland's mane I shall lead its gallop past other upstarts like Venezuela, Gibbon, and Papua New Guinea. Who will know how to deal with our truth? Together, Greenland, we will captivate the imaginations of the 24-hour news networks, and the PR will be fantastic, and unending. Tourism will skyrocket with my creation of the "Snow-Shoveling Championships," to take place annually until all the snow melts.
But then we won't need the snow, because the natural beauty of our great nation will finally be laid bare before the lustful eyes of the other nations. The U.N. will clamor to move its office to our southern coast, if only to make vacationing more convenient. Decades away, you say? Not if we start burning coal right now. Aerosol sprays, bans on recycling, subsidies for the use of plastics - as your leader I will do everything in my power to expedite global warming.
And when the seas rise, and the sun beats down mercilessly on the middle of the planet (now extending into southern Canada and the Russian steppe), people will flock to Greenland, and we shall be the new Global Empire. All this is possible if you make me your president, or "Snowman on High," or whatever your CEO designation may be.
Sure, there's a constitution to draft, and wigs to wear, and a war of independence and all that to be accomplished. And what of a national anthem (I suggest "Don't Stop Believing," by Journey)? But I hate wigs, and my penmanship is dreadful. Let's let the pinhead beareaucrats handle the details. In the meantime I'll be telling Denmark to go fuck itself, and leading a pack of Greenlanders toward the harbor, where we'll dump box after box of danishes into the icy Atlantic ocean.
Danishes, by the way, are my least favorite pastry. They're sticky, and they often contain fruit, which has no business within a sugary treat. So nuts to them, and nuts to you, Denmark. Greenland forever!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Who's really behind the Great Beef Raid of Aught 8?
By now you've all read about and digested the Agriprocessors raid. You know what it means for your local meat prices, for kosher meat processors in general. You may even have some thoughts of how it fits in with other immigration issues, and whether it matters that hiring illegal workers is standard practice in the meat packing industry.
But you don't know the real story. You haven't heard who dropped the dime on Agriprocessors, who set them up, who encouraged that nun to claim people were sexually harassed, all in the name of halting the production of sweet, sweet beef. And chicken, but those of us who wear the Fancy Pants (man, even I'm getting sick of the name) are less upset about the chicken. Because the secret, sinister cabal behind this whole mess is...bovine.
Yeah, I'm calling them out. You thought I forgot about them, didn't you? How could I forget my nemeses, comprised of an entire species? I don't want to go through the whole litany again - the stupidity, the whole tipping craze, the deliciousness - but cows are meant to be our food. And if we don't eat them, they'll start evolving. Once they start remembering how to turn it's only a matter of time before they figure out what we're doing. Then, a leader shall come, and it's tofu and wheat gluten forevermore.
And from this fiasco, it looks like they're finally wising up. Going after what is ostensibly and traditionally the most careful and ethical portion of the meat business is pure genius, because it then calls into question the rest of the meatpackers. This means they're organized, and thinking strategically. To anyone who loves their steak, this is a serious problem. We have to ask ourselves: how is this happening? Who is guiding the bovine insurgence? PETA can't even get out of its own way - although I will say their anti-fur ads with the naked ladies is compelling. It makes me want to be a naked lady who doesn't wear fur. Greenpeace is all about whales right now, so they're always at sea, away from fields and other places cows hang out. I don't know - bowling alleys? Is that a big bull market (I've tried pretty successfully to hold off on the puns. One won't kill you.)?
The liberal in me wants to blame this on Karl Rove. Partially because he's Satan's fat unathletic middle child, but also because he looks kind of like a Guernsey. But deep down, I know this can't be the case. All proud conservatives are carnivorous in keeping with Straussian philosophy. So I have to look at the blue states.
Massachusetts? No, not enough cows. Plus, even the cows have problems taking orders from someone with that crazy accent. And it won't be someone from Washington or Oregon, because marijuana and indie music combine to make a really effective bovine sedative. In fact, I hear some meat processors pump in the new Death Cab for Cutie album to make the slaughtering go more smoothly.
So California then. But who's got the stones, the sheer brazen audacity to turn on their own species? Who is so despicable, so fundamentally anti-human, that they would try so hard to take away our hamburgers, our milkshakes? Maybe this conspiracy goes higher than even I could imagine...
But you don't know the real story. You haven't heard who dropped the dime on Agriprocessors, who set them up, who encouraged that nun to claim people were sexually harassed, all in the name of halting the production of sweet, sweet beef. And chicken, but those of us who wear the Fancy Pants (man, even I'm getting sick of the name) are less upset about the chicken. Because the secret, sinister cabal behind this whole mess is...bovine.
Yeah, I'm calling them out. You thought I forgot about them, didn't you? How could I forget my nemeses, comprised of an entire species? I don't want to go through the whole litany again - the stupidity, the whole tipping craze, the deliciousness - but cows are meant to be our food. And if we don't eat them, they'll start evolving. Once they start remembering how to turn it's only a matter of time before they figure out what we're doing. Then, a leader shall come, and it's tofu and wheat gluten forevermore.
And from this fiasco, it looks like they're finally wising up. Going after what is ostensibly and traditionally the most careful and ethical portion of the meat business is pure genius, because it then calls into question the rest of the meatpackers. This means they're organized, and thinking strategically. To anyone who loves their steak, this is a serious problem. We have to ask ourselves: how is this happening? Who is guiding the bovine insurgence? PETA can't even get out of its own way - although I will say their anti-fur ads with the naked ladies is compelling. It makes me want to be a naked lady who doesn't wear fur. Greenpeace is all about whales right now, so they're always at sea, away from fields and other places cows hang out. I don't know - bowling alleys? Is that a big bull market (I've tried pretty successfully to hold off on the puns. One won't kill you.)?
The liberal in me wants to blame this on Karl Rove. Partially because he's Satan's fat unathletic middle child, but also because he looks kind of like a Guernsey. But deep down, I know this can't be the case. All proud conservatives are carnivorous in keeping with Straussian philosophy. So I have to look at the blue states.
Massachusetts? No, not enough cows. Plus, even the cows have problems taking orders from someone with that crazy accent. And it won't be someone from Washington or Oregon, because marijuana and indie music combine to make a really effective bovine sedative. In fact, I hear some meat processors pump in the new Death Cab for Cutie album to make the slaughtering go more smoothly.
So California then. But who's got the stones, the sheer brazen audacity to turn on their own species? Who is so despicable, so fundamentally anti-human, that they would try so hard to take away our hamburgers, our milkshakes? Maybe this conspiracy goes higher than even I could imagine...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The election, as written by John Hughes
It's your classic high school love triangle:
On one side, there is the cool, hip class president. He's on his way to Harvard on a full scholarship, which he won by designing a system to remove the carbon footprint of homeless people. Sure, he's got some baggage - his dad, for example, is CRAZY. And not evil crazy, like Judd Nelson's dad in Breakfast Club. Real, supercool movie crazy, the kind that can't actually be real, but somehow is.
On the other there's the nerdy romantic, who's spent three years with her nose in a book, or hidden behind her brash, slutty best friend (this only works if you pretend Hillary is a lesbian. I would say keep the jokes to yourself, but why am I the only one allowed to be funny?). She's worked really hard. She's always pined for the Prom Queen, and this is her chance. They've been in every class for her, and every time the Prom Queen has gotten drunk and gone down on the lacrosse team, her faithful bookish friend has always been there to take her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped.
Finally there is the Prom Queen herself, who looked pristine and virginal when she started high school, but is already a little worn out. She's still hot, and her legs go all the way up, if you know what I mean (to her hips, which are connected to her back, if you don't know your anatomy), but that "new car" smell has faded. But somewhere deep, deep inside is a heart of gold, just looking for the right match to bring it out, and drive her to win Prom Queen one more time.
We've all seen this movie. As adorable as her effort is, the nerd is not going to win. The cool kid sees the error of his arrogant ways, and does right by the Prom Queen by paying for her abortion and dancing the tango with her while Fallout Boy rocks the first dance. The nerd gracefully steps aside; after all, it was her sage advice, given offhandedly in a seemingly random moment, that showed the cool kid the right path. And as beautiful as the Prom Queen is, she's just not as attractive as the understanding witty friend, who's got a better record collection and also doesn't have the free clinic on speed dial. (I don't know who that would be in this allegory. Canada? Cuba, post-Castro? Let's call it Costa Rica, because why not.)
What's different here is that Hillary, even though she, too, has seen the movie, still thinks she's got a shot. Maybe someone should send her a copy of Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, or whichever one has Duckie. Molly Ringwald as America? I buy that. Especially since I always thought Ally Sheedy was hotter. Hell, I thought Judd Nelson was prettier. Wait, what were we talking about?
On one side, there is the cool, hip class president. He's on his way to Harvard on a full scholarship, which he won by designing a system to remove the carbon footprint of homeless people. Sure, he's got some baggage - his dad, for example, is CRAZY. And not evil crazy, like Judd Nelson's dad in Breakfast Club. Real, supercool movie crazy, the kind that can't actually be real, but somehow is.
On the other there's the nerdy romantic, who's spent three years with her nose in a book, or hidden behind her brash, slutty best friend (this only works if you pretend Hillary is a lesbian. I would say keep the jokes to yourself, but why am I the only one allowed to be funny?). She's worked really hard. She's always pined for the Prom Queen, and this is her chance. They've been in every class for her, and every time the Prom Queen has gotten drunk and gone down on the lacrosse team, her faithful bookish friend has always been there to take her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped.
Finally there is the Prom Queen herself, who looked pristine and virginal when she started high school, but is already a little worn out. She's still hot, and her legs go all the way up, if you know what I mean (to her hips, which are connected to her back, if you don't know your anatomy), but that "new car" smell has faded. But somewhere deep, deep inside is a heart of gold, just looking for the right match to bring it out, and drive her to win Prom Queen one more time.
We've all seen this movie. As adorable as her effort is, the nerd is not going to win. The cool kid sees the error of his arrogant ways, and does right by the Prom Queen by paying for her abortion and dancing the tango with her while Fallout Boy rocks the first dance. The nerd gracefully steps aside; after all, it was her sage advice, given offhandedly in a seemingly random moment, that showed the cool kid the right path. And as beautiful as the Prom Queen is, she's just not as attractive as the understanding witty friend, who's got a better record collection and also doesn't have the free clinic on speed dial. (I don't know who that would be in this allegory. Canada? Cuba, post-Castro? Let's call it Costa Rica, because why not.)
What's different here is that Hillary, even though she, too, has seen the movie, still thinks she's got a shot. Maybe someone should send her a copy of Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, or whichever one has Duckie. Molly Ringwald as America? I buy that. Especially since I always thought Ally Sheedy was hotter. Hell, I thought Judd Nelson was prettier. Wait, what were we talking about?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Child shall never be a rightist!
Wife has been spreading vile insinuations and rumors about Child.
"Oh, look, he's using his right hand again! I think he's going to be a righty!"
Shut it, odious woman! Bite that tongue! I will not have my boy abandoned to the common, to the oppressive "norm." Righties have the numbers, the history, the language (Latin for left? Sinister), the spiral notebook, the baseball glove, the guitar, the high school desk, the scissors. They believe this dominance will continue indefinitely.
How wrong they are.
The left rises as the right sleeps. We plot, using our legal pads and smudge-free pens, to overthrow the right's bloated complacency. Sure, there have been missteps (Ned Flanders, paragon of lefty-ness? Oops. And by Matt Groenig, lefty bulwark! That was a paddlin'. Oh, and Maybe Mike Vick as lefty QB Messiah, wasn't the best choice), but now we've got our own presidential candidate. Obama, the Magic Lefty. He's done more to forward our cause than Lefty Grove, My Left Foot, Left Behind, and other left-focused cultural highlights put together.
And yet, the right won't go away. You'd think we'd be safe in our own home, but just yesterday Wife, in hysterics as I tried to use her discriminatory scissors to cut some bubble wrap, finally couldn't hold back. "Are you ok? Can I help you? Here, why don't I take care of that, and you go do something that caters to your... unique talents."
For too long we've had to deal with this sort of condescension. Child will not be raised in an environment that disdains a discreet, substantial minority. So I've tied his right hand to his side, and only present toys to his left side. I don't use the word right; if he's correct, I say so, and if he wants to turn not-left, I figure he wants to go "wrong."
I'm sure he'll turn out healthy. But this, lefty parents, is what you have to do to combat thousands of years of oppression. Stand with me, and we shall overthrow the rightist regime.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday was not, in fact, Super, nor was it Duper
What the hell.
Seriously. Where's my Blue State Revolution? Where's my paradigm shift? Instead all we get is a boring split. Blah blah blah.
Sure, Obama won more states. And the delegate numbers, if you use the Ryerson Theorem instead of the now-debunked Tchaikovsky Equilibratic, are pretty much unchanged. But California, New York, Massachusetts? States that are all about change and weirdness and Che Guevara t-shirts all effectively said the same thing:
Yeah, so the system is broken, there is no real incentive for substantive change, no reason to upset the happy corrupt wastefulness infesting every office and agency in the federal government. Meh. Black men are scary.
This gives the Republicans hope. Especially now with McCain, who they hate, but affords them their only real shot at retaining the White House. So what we have is another prime opportunity for the Donkey Party to screw up once again, by throwing in Hillary, who has no chance with independents and undecided voters, against McCain, who is all about the independents. And you think the conservatives will jump ship and vote for Hillary? I have a feeling many many old white men will be staying home come November.
But hey, you may be right. Maybe Obama is going to suddenly turn around and jack your car, sleep with your virginal blond daughter, and sell the marijuana to your kindergartner. Lord knows it's happened before, right?
UPDATE: And don't think the awful Shaq trade to the Sunds isn't related. The end of one beautiful revolution, the disappointing postponement of another? It is all a piece, the surrendering of glorious outliers to the weight of the normative.
UPDATE: And don't think the awful Shaq trade to the Sunds isn't related. The end of one beautiful revolution, the disappointing postponement of another? It is all a piece, the surrendering of glorious outliers to the weight of the normative.
Friday, January 4, 2008
What Iowa means to me
All we learned last night from the Republican primary is that Iowans are not fooled robots acting like humans, no matter how many commercials they pay for. Romney's true form was exposed to the world last night, and it was a titanium exoskeleton covered by a secret Mormon undergarment. It took a hokey Jesus freak to expose him, and by doing so Mr. Huckabee did us all a fantastic service by further marginalizing the GOP. The only thing that would have been better is if Tancredo had stayed in the race and won, but I'll take the religious fanatic who hates gays, abortions, and now immigrants, too.
Oh, and we learned that Midwesterners despise New Yorkers, even those who only pretend to work there on TV. Goodbye, Fred. Hope the hubbub didn't interrupt your nap.
The Iowa Democratic caucus is a grand chaos of democracy. The one indicator that everyone was looking for was turnout, because if there were more new people then it was good for Obama. And lo and behold! More than 100,000 new caucus-goers arrived. And it turns out that if voters don't like Hillary at first, they won't be convinced later to vote for her. She got the fewest second-chance votes from non-viable candidates like Biden and Richardson, which is really only more evidence of people not liking her, and being adamant about it, regardless of her supposed electability.
I know there should be more jokes about the whole thing, but it's been a while since there's been a victory for a candidate for whom my vote wouldn't be an embarrassment to my future children. Maybe this is some sort of sign, some indication of a permanent shift toward quality and integrity, and away from business as usual. I want it to be, so badly, if only so I don't have to think of the leader of the free world as a lobotomized monkey, throwing his feces at us and laughing about it with his monkey coworkers. Not that Hillary would be a poop-throwing chimpanzee, but could you imagine her making anything but incremental, aggravatingly sensible change in any facet of your life?
The results from last night tell me that there are a lot more people like me than I thought, people who want a president to reach for outlandish, outrageous change in staid, antiquated government programs, to think of foreign policy as a host of complicated, delicate issues instead of one us vs. them pissing contest, to consider the economic well-being and physical health of every single person living in this country, not just the top 1% or even the top 50% or even only U.S. citizens, but everyone affected by government regulation and spending. For the first time in my life I am more than just optimistic, I am enthused about the very real possibility of a great person becoming president. Say what you will about Hillary, but for those of you who support her - does she ever evoke passion? Do her rational, party-line policies make you want to jump up and down and proclaim with pride your devotion to her campaign?Is she anything more than "electable?" And now that that's fallen into question, is she anything but Mrs. Bill Clinton, master of the superficial, essentially ineffectual change?
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Dr. Robert Atwahl IV, answerer of questions
In the rigorous examination I sent to all candidates, only Dr. Atwahl answered satisfactorily. Don't even get me started on Duncan Hunter's entry. If I wanted an essay buddy, I'd go hang out near the middle school.
Here then, are Dr. Atwahl's response to my carefully-crafted queries. I like most that he didn't throw them out, like everyone else. Don't think I'll forget this, Biden. Your hairplugs are mine!
1) Global-warming: myth, grim sweltering reality, or propaganda from the swimsuit and sunblock lobbyists?
Here then, are Dr. Atwahl's response to my carefully-crafted queries. I like most that he didn't throw them out, like everyone else. Don't think I'll forget this, Biden. Your hairplugs are mine!
1) Global-warming: myth, grim sweltering reality, or propaganda from the swimsuit and sunblock lobbyists?
- Global warming is the new Osama Bin Laden. After a while, we will all stop caring. 9/11.
2) The War on Drugs has been going strong for decades. The US government now spends as much fighting the influx and production of illicit narcotics as its citizens do trying to obtain them. My question for you: What makes a better bong: saxophone, or cored apple?
- Well let me tell you a little something about a bong. A good quality bong usually has a place to put water, so, although, the apple is more practical, and cheaper, the best bong is obviously the saxamaphone. And I don't want the American people to think I'd sacrifice quality to convenience.
3) How do you plan on making the War on Terror work for the common man? When can I expect my War on Terror dividends? Do you, at the very least, plan to get us all free hats?
- The war on terror will work for the common man...never. This war on terror is more like a war against the American people. Dividends? You've already got Kevin Garnett over there in your commie-pinko town - what else do you want? Oh, and the hat is in the mail.
4) If you were a tree, how many guns would you own?
- Hell, if I was a tree I would have five guns. Because of certain legal issues I cannot currently admit or deny that I have seventeen assault rifles, 42 hand grenades, and a thermo-nuclear device. It's all about deterrence.
5) If the CIA just told you where all the secret interrogation prisons were located, who would be the first person you'd send to be tortured and questioned? What would you want to know? How would you hide the prisons in the future, so some dumb journalist doesn't trip over them? Tree branches? Distracting shiny wars on the other side of the world?
- Ah, yes the torture chambers. I was just there the other day, actually. I wanted to know who's been stealing all my socks? To hide prisons you have to put them in the place that no one would expect, like the White House or Canada . Talk about your real threats, by the way. Damn Canadians...
6) If you threw a global economic summit and invited everyone but China, would that effectively cripple its growing dominance of the global marketplace?
- No, of course not! China and us are like distant cousins. We don't always have to hang out with them, but they know we are related. We keep in touch every six months. I try to send flowers, just so they know I'm thinking of them, and their glorious consumer base - I mean, population. They're people, too.
7) If you love the environment so much, why don't you marry it?
- I tried, I got arrested. Hey, maybe I'll move to your crazy state! Oh, sorry, "Commonwealth." Elitist pricks.
8) Is universal health care the answer to our approaching environmental crisis? Isn't it just a gussied-up version of socialized medicine?
- There is not anything social about universal healthcare. In fact, I think it will going to put an end to social welfare. And the last time I checked, our environmental problems have nothing to do with health. (To be fair, this was written before the San Diego fires, which I'm sure the candidate would agree have something to do with health - ed.)
9) Does the Tree of Liberty really have to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants? In this time of blood donation shortages, should we really be wasting it all on stupid trees? Isn't water sufficient?
- If you knew anything about Liberty trees you'd know they need lots and lots of blood. There is no way around it. It's science, my friend.
10) Are you pro-life, or do you enjoy the Bhutanese delicacy "fetus on rye?"
- I'll take the fetus on rye, hold the placenta. MMMMMM - fetus. Wait, are you going to post this?
11) Our pastor says that if the gays marry each other, soon we'll all have to marry water buffalo. Agree or disagree? If you disagree, who's right, you or Jesus (Don't let the fact that I'm Jewish and don't actually know a pastor to affect your answer. Jesus is still a pretty influential guy. He did invent Crocs, you know.)?
- I believe that half of what your pastor is saying is false. Although we may end up marrying water buffalo we can still stop gays from marrying each other. Jesus once came to me in a dream and tried to steal my crocs. I will never forgive Jesus.
12) If you found Osama bin Laden between the cushions in your couch, would you brag about it immediately, or just have him killed, tape it, and then run the tape when it's more politically convenient?
- I would offer him some water. Than I would kill him with my killer long fingernails. You ever see X-Men? I'm like Wolverine, bitches.
13) If you going to cheat on your spouse while in office, why wouldn't you do it in the Oval Office? That's gotta be the coolest office sex location on the planet, except maybe the Pope's private chambers.
- Who said I wouldn't do it in the Oval Office? Man, I would do it EVERYWHERE. That is, if I would cheat. Which I would never do. I love you, honey.
14) If elected, would you worship at the altar of Democracy, or remain devoted to your current imaginary deity?
- To me Democracy is not something to be worshipped. It is an ideal you bring into your home. You introduce it to your children, and everyone dances and dines together in glorious harmony. Then, after the kids go to bed, you take Democracy into your bedroom and do things to it that are illegal in 32 states. Ooooh, Democracy - who's the bitch now?
15) What TV show best embodies the values you wish to bring to the Office of the President, and why?
- This was a really tough question. Probably the Sopranos, I guess. I see myself and AJ as two young bright minds with similar futures. Also I don't believe in delegating targeted killings. If America wants to whack someone, I'ma do it my damn self.
What I love most about Dr. Atwahl is his willingness to open himself and his family to the public. And his hatred of Canada. The most important lesson I learned when sending out this questionnaire is that no one I know, friends or family, have any sort of desire to write, or answer questions.
- This was a really tough question. Probably the Sopranos, I guess. I see myself and AJ as two young bright minds with similar futures. Also I don't believe in delegating targeted killings. If America wants to whack someone, I'ma do it my damn self.
What I love most about Dr. Atwahl is his willingness to open himself and his family to the public. And his hatred of Canada. The most important lesson I learned when sending out this questionnaire is that no one I know, friends or family, have any sort of desire to write, or answer questions.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Take that, ColBERT
There are many, many things that dissatisfy me about our dear country right now. The quagmire in Iraq, the drooling idiot in the White House, the possibility of a Colorado-Cleveland World Series, my inability to grow a halfway-decent moustache…I am an angry man. And then I see this .Typical Colbert, always taking my ideas and passing them off as his own before I even have chance to make them up. Not this time, Steve-O. You think you’re running as a “Favorite Son?” (and I can’t believe it’s already up on Wikipedia!)
Allow me to introduce a true favorite son: Robert S. Atwahl IV, the Fancy Pants candidate for Leader of the Free World. A 6’5” blond Adonis, this hulk of a man has earned two Congressional Medals of Honor in the Coast Guard, graduated with the highest GPA ever from Princeton Polytech School for the Elite and Astute, and speaks Swedish, Mandarin, Farsi, and seventeen different African bush dialects. A P.H.D. in metapolitics, Dr. Atwahl lives in Middle, Nebraska, with his wife Jane and their seven children, Amber, Michael, Eric, Robert V, Isaac, Candace, and little Anastasia.
He looks just like this, except his eyes are green, not blue. He's also usually wearing a business suit.
Robert (“Call me Dr., dammit”) Atwahl made his money on the rodeo circuit, sending his winnings back to Jane and his brood. After breaking his hip for a world-record 19th time, he decided to go into international finance, through the sale of “alternative methods of negotiation,” and large-caliber firearms. This provided Dr. Atwahl with real hands-on foreign policy experience, interacting with dignitaries from
Over the next few weeks you’ll be able to learn a lot more about the Fancy Pants candidate, his political platform, and which laundry detergent is the best to use when fighting global terror.
If you have any questions for Dr. Atwahl, send them to the Fancy Pants, and he will answer them, as long as they don’t relate to the
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Is it War? Are We at War Yet?
9 million more toys recalled for lead content, first strike capabilities
We are a privileged generation. When you've got your grandson on your prosthetic knee, and he asks you between languorous picks of his nose, "did you fight the Chinese, Grampa?" you'll be able to look him in the eye, and say, "first of all, it's Poppop. Second, hell yes I did.
"When they made their first strike, we were caught off guard. What kind of sick bastards use toys as weapons? But then it turned out they'd put lead in everything: our clothes, our shoes, our appliances, our little troll dolls at the end of our pencils. Which, incidentally, don't use real lead. Ironic.
"And when the great Chinese magnets came across the Pacific, we thought they were UFO's. Yokels grimaced, and took down their overralls for yet another anal probing. Nerds rejoiced, and danced awkwardly. But I knew better. I knew they were finally coming for us, we finally got to fight against the great Communist threat, and I was ready.
"We fought them in the playrooms, and in the pantries. We fought them in the classrooms, over tricycles and sippy cups. Sure, I saw awful, terrible things. Young man, you never, EVER want to see a melted, disfigured Polly Pocket.
"They tried to poison us with toxic metals, but we had more bombs. And now the 'Great' Wall is nothing more than a doorstop for America's renewed manifest destiny. Yee. F-in. Haw. Now go run and get your Poppop a bourbon."
We are a privileged generation. When you've got your grandson on your prosthetic knee, and he asks you between languorous picks of his nose, "did you fight the Chinese, Grampa?" you'll be able to look him in the eye, and say, "first of all, it's Poppop. Second, hell yes I did.
"When they made their first strike, we were caught off guard. What kind of sick bastards use toys as weapons? But then it turned out they'd put lead in everything: our clothes, our shoes, our appliances, our little troll dolls at the end of our pencils. Which, incidentally, don't use real lead. Ironic.
"And when the great Chinese magnets came across the Pacific, we thought they were UFO's. Yokels grimaced, and took down their overralls for yet another anal probing. Nerds rejoiced, and danced awkwardly. But I knew better. I knew they were finally coming for us, we finally got to fight against the great Communist threat, and I was ready.
"We fought them in the playrooms, and in the pantries. We fought them in the classrooms, over tricycles and sippy cups. Sure, I saw awful, terrible things. Young man, you never, EVER want to see a melted, disfigured Polly Pocket.
"They tried to poison us with toxic metals, but we had more bombs. And now the 'Great' Wall is nothing more than a doorstop for America's renewed manifest destiny. Yee. F-in. Haw. Now go run and get your Poppop a bourbon."
Monday, August 6, 2007
People are running for President?
Since I have become a major player in the blogoverse (blogosphere? Blogoramma?), my life has changed in innumerable ways. Sure, the groupies, the adoring reviews, the late-night breathy calls from Jessica Alba – Jess, you know I love you baby, but I just can’t smile – these are all great things. But it’s been almost three weeks now, and I haven’t been able to interview a single serious presidential candidate.
Obviously I know many people who would either like to run for president or actually would do a quality job. Brother S possesses the deep-seated ambition to rule the world with an iron fist, perhaps as a supervillain. Small Firm Partner wants to run, but only because he likes chubby Jewish chicks and bottle blondes (it’s about time someone compared Lewinsky to
I’d like to invite the true, public candidates from each party to come down to my apartment in Boston, and I’ll badger you with insightful questions and obscure movie references until you either a) show yourself qualified to lead the free world; or b) your ears start bleeding. In the weeks ahead I will run the results of my interviews. If we’re lucky, some of the answers will actually come from real candidates, and not the seedy, polluted recesses of my own imagination.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Beware the Revolution
I want to start by talking about a growing threat that only a courageous few even acknowledge, let alone actively combat. There is a serious danger in our midst, and not enough of you are taking it seriously. I have spoken of this menace with many of you, and some have been sympathetic, and others respond with a rolling of their eyes, or barely-stifled snickers. But you know what? If I don’t help ensure that the consumption of beef remains a patriotic, nay, humanistic imperative, we will be overrun by dirty, smelly overlords. Do you want overlords? Because I sure as hell don’t.
It is your duty as a man – or a woman; ladies, now is not the time to hide behind your domestic duties, your laundry, your soap operas – to keep cows from beginning their revolution. For those of you raised in rural areas, or who have been to petting zoos and dairy farms, you yourselves have seen the rebellious look in a bovine eye: disdainful expressions, masked expertly by child-friendly moos, and methane-filled flatulence. Sure, they can forget how to turn, and have no opposable thumb with which to grasp simple tools or a lectern. But if we, as a species, turn our backs for just one second, we’ll be out in an unheated barn, peering into our cozy former homes where, on E!, Bessy the supermodel wears Wisconsin’s newest couture: babyskin cocktail dresses, perfect for that elegant dinner of the finest Iowan grass. And I for one will not stand by while anything from
Some say we’re perpetuating this problem by devoting excessive resources to overstimulating our cattle, encouraging overpopulation. The only thing we’re over-ing is overeating. Anything other than beef, that is. Too long we have allowed Big Cucumber to set the health agenda in this country, and do you know who’s behind Lettuce, Inc.? That’s right: those four-legged, lowing herbivores, our nemeses in black and white. The more greens we eat, the more we’re just like them. Soon we won’t be able to escape their corn-fed broken wind; in our own homes, where we will have “smelt it,” we will indeed have “dealt it.”
So fire up that grill, layer an extra slice of pastrami on your sandwich, put another pound of ground chuck in that taco. Support the cause by eating as much beef as you can, if only so one day you can look your granddaughter in her baby blue eyes and tell her that, when the time came, you did your part in the great Man-Cow conflagration. And tell those traitorous vegetarians that they can choke on their perfidious parsnips, that you love mankind too much to chuck it all for some ratatoo- for some rattatowe – for peas.
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