Dr. Robert Atwahl IV, answerer of questions

In the rigorous examination I sent to all candidates, only Dr. Atwahl answered satisfactorily. Don't even get me started on Duncan Hunter's entry. If I wanted an essay buddy, I'd go hang out near the middle school.

Here then, are Dr. Atwahl's response to my carefully-crafted queries. I like most that he didn't throw them out, like everyone else. Don't think I'll forget this, Biden. Your hairplugs are mine!

1) Global-warming: myth, grim sweltering reality, or propaganda from the swimsuit and sunblock lobbyists?

- Global warming is the new Osama Bin Laden. After a while, we will all stop caring. 9/11.

2) The War on Drugs has been going strong for decades. The US government now spends as much fighting the influx and production of illicit narcotics as its citizens do trying to obtain them. My question for you: What makes a better bong: saxophone, or cored apple?

- Well let me tell you a little something about a bong. A good quality bong usually has a place to put water, so, although, the apple is more practical, and cheaper, the best bong is obviously the saxamaphone. And I don't want the American people to think I'd sacrifice quality to convenience.

3) How do you plan on making the War on Terror work for the common man? When can I expect my War on Terror dividends? Do you, at the very least, plan to get us all free hats?

- The war on terror will work for the common man...never. This war on terror is more like a war against the American people. Dividends? You've already got Kevin Garnett over there in your commie-pinko town - what else do you want? Oh, and the hat is in the mail.

4) If you were a tree, how many guns would you own?

- Hell, if I was a tree I would have five guns. Because of certain legal issues I cannot currently admit or deny that I have seventeen assault rifles, 42 hand grenades, and a thermo-nuclear device. It's all about deterrence.

5) If the CIA just told you where all the secret interrogation prisons were located, who would be the first person you'd send to be tortured and questioned? What would you want to know? How would you hide the prisons in the future, so some dumb journalist doesn't trip over them? Tree branches? Distracting shiny wars on the other side of the world?

- Ah, yes the torture chambers. I was just there the other day, actually. I wanted to know who's been stealing all my socks? To hide prisons you have to put them in the place that no one would expect, like the White House or Canada . Talk about your real threats, by the way. Damn Canadians...

6) If you threw a global economic summit and invited everyone but China, would that effectively cripple its growing dominance of the global marketplace?

- No, of course not! China and us are like distant cousins. We don't always have to hang out with them, but they know we are related. We keep in touch every six months. I try to send flowers, just so they know I'm thinking of them, and their glorious consumer base - I mean, population. They're people, too.

7) If you love the environment so much, why don't you marry it?

- I tried, I got arrested. Hey, maybe I'll move to your crazy state! Oh, sorry, "Commonwealth." Elitist pricks.

8) Is universal health care the answer to our approaching environmental crisis? Isn't it just a gussied-up version of socialized medicine?

- There is not anything social about universal healthcare. In fact, I think it will going to put an end to social welfare. And the last time I checked, our environmental problems have nothing to do with health. (To be fair, this was written before the San Diego fires, which I'm sure the candidate would agree have something to do with health - ed.)

9) Does the Tree of Liberty really have to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants? In this time of blood donation shortages, should we really be wasting it all on stupid trees? Isn't water sufficient?

- If you knew anything about Liberty trees you'd know they need lots and lots of blood. There is no way around it. It's science, my friend.

10) Are you pro-life, or do you enjoy the Bhutanese delicacy "fetus on rye?"

- I'll take the fetus on rye, hold the placenta. MMMMMM - fetus. Wait, are you going to post this?

11) Our pastor says that if the gays marry each other, soon we'll all have to marry water buffalo. Agree or disagree? If you disagree, who's right, you or Jesus (Don't let the fact that I'm Jewish and don't actually know a pastor to affect your answer. Jesus is still a pretty influential guy. He did invent Crocs, you know.)?

- I believe that half of what your pastor is saying is false. Although we may end up marrying water buffalo we can still stop gays from marrying each other. Jesus once came to me in a dream and tried to steal my crocs. I will never forgive Jesus.

12) If you found Osama bin Laden between the cushions in your couch, would you brag about it immediately, or just have him killed, tape it, and then run the tape when it's more politically convenient?

- I would offer him some water. Than I would kill him with my killer long fingernails. You ever see X-Men? I'm like Wolverine, bitches.

13) If you going to cheat on your spouse while in office, why wouldn't you do it in the Oval Office? That's gotta be the coolest office sex location on the planet, except maybe the Pope's private chambers.

- Who said I wouldn't do it in the Oval Office? Man, I would do it EVERYWHERE. That is, if I would cheat. Which I would never do. I love you, honey.

14) If elected, would you worship at the altar of Democracy, or remain devoted to your current imaginary deity?

- To me Democracy is not something to be worshipped. It is an ideal you bring into your home. You introduce it to your children, and everyone dances and dines together in glorious harmony. Then, after the kids go to bed, you take Democracy into your bedroom and do things to it that are illegal in 32 states. Ooooh, Democracy - who's the bitch now?

15) What TV show best embodies the values you wish to bring to the Office of the President, and why?
- This was a really tough question. Probably the Sopranos, I guess. I see myself and AJ as two young bright minds with similar futures. Also I don't believe in delegating targeted killings. If America wants to whack someone, I'ma do it my damn self.

What I love most about Dr. Atwahl is his willingness to open himself and his family to the public. And his hatred of Canada. The most important lesson I learned when sending out this questionnaire is that no one I know, friends or family, have any sort of desire to write, or answer questions.