Enough already with the gnashing of teeth

I'm pretty clear where I stand on baseball - far away. It's the only sport that's been improved by ESPN's commitment to the Holy Highlight Reel, because everything that is not a Web Gem or a Goliath-ic home run is boring as hell. More than any other sport its history is defined by cheating, gambling, racism, drugs, and the persistent popularity of chewing tobacco.

Which is all fine, by the way. It's a sport, not a religion, and these people - owners, players, what have you - have been trained that they are above the law, and as fans we'll continue to look the other way as they rape, pillage, embezzle and sometimes murder their way through polite society.

Let me be clear - I have no problem with this.

What I do have a problem with is people like Howard Bryant. Howard is shocked! that Sammy Sosa lied about using steroids. And he's furious at...someone. Obviously at Sosa, but not just for lying and cheating - you see, it's Sammy Sosa's (and others like him) fault that steroids ruined baseball. Because we should rely on some man-children who never finished high school to make sound moral judgments in the absence of clear guidance from any sort of rule book.

Baseball's problem - aside for being an excellent sleep aid for insomniacs, and a fantasy for overweight lefties who are convinced they could have been professional athletes - is not its players, who do everything possible to be great, including break the arbitrary and randomly enforced rules imposed by society and the game. The real issue is that people like Howard Bryant expect it to be different somehow than the way it's been for over 100 years.

What I enjoy most about Bryant's hissy fit is its hypocrisy. If you want, you can play along, using SNL's "Really?!? With Seth & Amy."



Really? Sports journalists are upset at being lied to? About steroid use in baseball? Really? How many wrote bestsellers about the home run race between Sosa and McGwire? How many saw their readership expand because of baseball's return to popularity. And really? Not a single journalist thought to ask why Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs after not being able to lift a big boy bat the year before?

And journalists? Really? Shouldn't we be blaming you for the steroid mess? Isn't there something about truth and facts being an important part of reporting, um, truth and facts?

So I'm blaming Howard Bryant for the steroid issue. It's just as convenient as blaming Sammy Sosa, and I bet Howard Bryant even went to college.

(Political correctness note - I'm not saying Sammy Sosa is stupid. I'm saying that he didn't attend a university, because he was drafted out of whatever the Dominican Republic equivalent is of high school. And I'm making no comment whatsoever on Sammy Sosa looking kinda dumb, with the gigantic ears, and the goofy smile.)

I punched myself in the self-respect

4/6 of the Fancy Family came to visit last week, to play with Child and take pictures of Child and look at Child and smile at Child and to carry Child around on a golden throne, fanning him with gigantic fern leaves. I have no idea how they got those things past security on the plane, but there they were.

Brother Z also brought with him a book. He finished it while he was in town, and since he laughed repeatedly while reading it, I thought it would be worthwhile to spend the 2 or 3 hours it would take me to read it.

I was wrong.

If you don't know who Tucker Max is, you're a better person for it. Not because he's a debauched individual with no morals whatsoever - those people are hilarious, and necessary for any decent party. No, it's because he's a terrible writer, and not funny at all. The parts of the book that made me laugh out loud were when he quoted his friends, who are evidently much funnier than he is, even with their crappy nicknames (Slingblade? Really? That had a shelf-life of about 3 minutes).

Max has a website, and a devoted fan following of date-rapists and people who are too stupid to get Bill Simmons jokes. I won't link to it here, because it's easy enough to find if you want to make yourself dumber, or if you want your girlfriend to dump you. Which hey, that's your call.

I guess the real concern is that I knew who Tucker Max was before I read the book. I knew what I was getting into. So why in G-d's name did I read it? I think less of myself now for having it in my house. I hid it from our babysitter last night, so she wouldn't think I hated women and minorities and myself. I refuse to let Wife read it - even the funny parts - because I want her to keep believing that men, for the most part, are decent, and not vile talking penises. Which they are, but most have a few more scruples about keeping it under wraps (no pun intended - my G-d, it's even got me making puns. I'm going to go stick forks in my eyes now).

Why did I read this book? Why haven't I burned it? Well, because it's not my book, and Brother Z may want it back. But I read it because...

Nope. I got nothing. I can't deny this concerns me. A little, but still.

What do you think he saw? The other side of the mountain, the other side of the mountain...

I am a liberal. A progressive, if you will. I believe women should have choice. I don't believe the free market can be trusted to do much beyond make rich people richer. I believe felons should have the right to vote. I believe in amnesty for illegal immigrants. I believe in higher taxes for the rich, and comprehensive, intimidating regulation for coporations. I think the net should be neutral, and the death penalty should only be used when the system no longer discriminates against poor people. I believe day care should be government subsidized, and college should be cheap. I think the massive government subsidies that currently flow to oil companies should be diverted to innovative alternative energy companies, and that public school teachers should be paid more than garbagemen unless they're not actually good at their job, in which case they should be fired.

I believe that conservatives are both selfish and more optimistic about human behavior and instinct. "Why should the government handle social security? If the market can't handle it, I'm sure the next generation will be generous with their money." Which, if you have money, makes sense. The problem is all those pesky people who don't have money.

But whatever. That's not what this is about. This is about an experiment I'm doing. Recently I read "The Shock Doctrine" by Naomi Klein - a serious book about disaster capitalism and its proponents on both the left and the right, but mostly on the right - and "The Great Derangement" by Matt Taibbi - a less serious book about how the modern American is delusional, and that's why the modern American is both religious and may vote Republican.

I enjoyed both books immensely, for different reasons. One of those, however, was that they merely reinforced my own prejudices against conservatives and Republicans. I like to think of myself as open-minded, so this bothered me.

Then a fantastic solution presented itself: why not balance the books with two right-wing books? It's perfect! I'll find one serious conservative book, and one crazy conservative book, and I'll read those, and see if I can actually appreciate any part of either of them. I looked around, and found two books: "Liberal Fascism" by Jonah Goldberg, and "If Democrats had Brains They'd be Republicans" by Ann Coulter.

So today I began "Liberal Fascism." I haven't gotten very far, but I've already noticed a couple of things.

1) I'm embarassed to be seen reading this book on the bus. My ride takes me through two college campuses, wherein reside hundreds, nay, thousands of nubile young ladies, many of whom fancy themselves liberal. The sheer volume of Obama pins and stickers supports this. Not that I'm trying to date any of them, but I'm still screwed up enough to want complete strangers, albeit hot ones, to like me. Beyond that, I like being a liberal. I like the lifestyle. I like all the smart people I get to hang out with. I like the comedians. So projecting an image of myself that doesn't coincide with my internal conception of who I am, even if it's simply by reading a conservative book, makes me a titch uncomfortable.

Also it has a picture of a smiley-face with a Hitler mustache, which I think is just tacky.

2) In neither of the liberal books did the author feel the need to proclaim his or her patriotism. First because Naomi Klein is Canadian, so she doesn't need to love America - Dick Cheney's opinion notwithstanding. Second, well, I don't know why, but I would guess because the default is that if you live in America, on some level you love the country and its ideals. If you didn't, you would leave and move, say, to Canada.

Jonah Goldberg, like many conservatives it seems, needs to proclaim his love of America loudly, and often. He doesn't even make it through the introduction before referencing his love of America and all its citizens, even the crazy leftist Commie homos. Well, maybe not the Commies. Or the Muslims. But you get the point. His patriotic declamation comes in the midst of a paragraph where he might be seen to be criticizing part of American culture. This gives further weight to something conservatives do a lot in public - say that people who aren't conservative or Republican hate America, because they're criticizing it. Maybe this book will do something to explain the "obvious" connection between criticism and hatred.

3) Jonah Goldberg, as it turns out, is not actually Jewish, as I had guessed from the name. Which maybe goes to his claim that the Holocaust could never happen here, because this is America. Which is what they said in Germany. And Spain. And England. And France. And Italy.
(No one says this in Russia or Poland because, let's face it, those are prime anti-semitic plots of real estate.)
But he can be excused for this because he loves America so much, and America can do no wrong.

See? There goes my prejudicial sarcasm again. The point of this exercise is to balance that out a bit. After all, I'm against legislating health, like banning trans fats and speed limits and narcotics. I deplore the victimization that is a constant tool of the left, which only makes us look like a bunch of whiners. And I'm ashamed at my own conceit that liberals are, well, we're just smarter, is all.

So we'll see how this goes. Although Ann Coulter, man, I just hope I have the stones to carry that book in public. If only to see the wide-eyed contempt as I ride past Pitt and CMU.

Bust shots at Big Ben like we got time to kill

First, before I get to this week's half-assed post, I'm obligated to recognize a Mr. Hamburglar/B&D/Krazy/Tubby Bjornferdsentenstein for suggesting the Bob & Doug MacKenzie beer clip from last week. So there you go, Tubby. And for those of you who decided not to click on the fluffy bunny link, maybe you should check it out. Who knew bunnies had anything to do with witches?

Meanwhile...read this, because the birds and the bees, though their famed interaction may be exciting, don't always live happily ever after.

I had a decent idea to write about this week, about how much I hate Woody Allen. He and Philip Roth are equally responsible for giving Jewish men a bad name, and terrible role models. But then I heard that his new movie has Scarlett Johannsen and Penelope Cruz making out. So for that, Woody, I'll forget about the whole "marrying my adopted daughter" thing.

And I'm not going to write about the campaign, because nothing is happening. Forget the news - and I'm not even going to link to anything, because I don't want to encourage you - and their carping on every little misstep or not-so-surprising center moves by both candidates. August is for vacations and pining for the NFL, and that's it. Obama wants to name a VP? I'm all ears. But until the conventions in a couple of weeks, there's really nothing to talk about.

Oh, then there's that whole Russia-Georgia thing. I wish I could get worked up about Russia's imperialism, but I wouldn't be so sad if Hotlanta went Russky. Imagine the crazy Outkast album!

Beyond that, the only thing that anyone cares about right now is the Olympics, and all those medals by that guy with the gills. Much to the Madre's - and Wife's, for that matter - I'm not watching them. I'm not so down with China, ever since my Gap t-shirt got a hole in the armpit. Come on, you've got like 50 million child laborers - does not a single one know how to sew? You think losing the medal race to the U.S. is embarassing? How about all those crappy Nikes, and their uncomfortable soles? Now that's some national shame.

I could say it's all a joke, that I've been watching the epic gymnastics battle, and those beautiful opening ceremonies, but for some reason I find I've got other things to do. Who knows. Maybe I'm just overreacting, being a snotty liberal and all. I mean, there have been some unforgettable images coming out of China:



I'm sorry. I really tried to keep this light. But you know what? I'm really sick of the Olympics. I'd really just love to sit down and watch some crappy reality TV, but NBC's coverage has just been ridiculous. Just bring back the Office already.

I'm more European than an English Muffin

I talk a lot of junk about hippies, and the Commies. But deep down, my heart bleeds for endangered fluffy bunnies and Mother Earth. And for our neighbors to the North, I give you guys some crap, but sometimes I think I wouldn't be better as a Canadian.



You see, I was born without a profit motive. As for money I just...I just don't care. So when it comes to corporations I'm at best ambivalent. Sure, they can do some good, but since they have no reason to exist other than to provide their shareholders with a return, sometimes they're downright evil.

So when I read Naomi Klein's (Canadian Jew!) The Shock Doctrine, it confirmed my paranoia. Klein has a real bone to pick with Milton Friedman, seemingly mild-mannered economist and sworn enemy of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his New Deal.

Friedman took a psychological experiment using electro-shock therapy and turned it into the dominant economic and political theory of the last 60 years. The idea is to shock a country or region into disorientation, either through natural disaster or war or some other traumatic event. With the public reeling, the government needs a quick fix. So Friedman trained economists from all over the world to step in and offer lessons in privatization, and corporate-friendly labor laws and taxes. He started in Chile with Augusto Pinochet, then moved through South America privatizing Argentina, Brazil, and Bolivia following the coups that occurred there. His acolytes promised new wealth, freedom, and democracy.

The only problem is that the coups were often funded and provoked by the CIA. And once the wildly unpopular economic plans were announced, and citizens were a little upset when their healthcare and wage protections were revoked, the governments invariably arrested and killed thousands of dissenters.

The privatizations allowed a few to become wildly rich, and the vast majority to become fantastically poor. Friedman's theory was tested in South America, and then unleashed in Indonesia, Poland, Russia, and Great Britain. The World Bank and the IMF were created to provide funding for underdeveloped countries, and they used that opportunity to make the loans contingent on extensive privatization. Eventually natural disasters were exploited, like the 2004 tsunami and Hurricanes Mitch and Katrina. In most cases either Friedman's students or corporate officers themselves who drafted the new economic regulations.

And then there was that whole Iraq thing. Friedman's followers are responsible for the incredible amount of contracting going on in Iraq, as well as in many other areas of the US government. Guys like Grover Norquist, who said that "I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub." This is Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, invaluable adviser to Bush, and co-drafter of Newt Gingrich's 1994 Contract with America. For a guy who hates government so much, he sure has an awful lot to do with it. Although how are we supposed to take a guy named Grover seriously?

So aside from all that, the book was HILARIOUS. You'll laugh until you cry. And if you live in Canada, you'll probably drink yourself silly, comforted in the knowledge that your trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and cirrhosis will be paid for by a bunch of snooty Quebecois.

I guess my point is, hoooooooooray for capitalism.

Trafficking

I knew it! I knew people read this thing! I totally got you to comment! Suckers!

But seriously, the problems of underwear afflict men all across this great nation, and its time someone other than GQ took it up as a serious topic. So you're welcome.

I was sick this week, sick of the lies, and the beatings, and the sleep deprivation. Mostly just the last one, which laid me up all day yesterday. So instead of reading German e-mails about hot and sweaty interoffice romance, I got to read interesting stuff, like this article in The Atlantic.

Now those of you who are familiar with the history of the Fancy Pants remember my...ambivalence regarding traffic laws. Whether it was playing Follow the Leader around West Rogers Park, ignoring speed limits on I-94, or simply running into stationary curbs on the side of Kedzie or parked cars in a parking lot in Newton, or trying to run down pedestrians in Coolidge Corner, I'm not too down with the law. So John Staddon's article is right up my alley. Despite the fact that he's British, and the Queen's homeland is used as the model, I think this article makes a lot of sense. Signs are a pain in the ass, and speed limits are too often arbitrary, and they change seemingly at random. So why can't this happen here, in the USA, one of the top nine countries in North America (I refuse to count any of the Caribbean islands. If they want to be part of a continent, they can form their own)?

When it comes down to it, this is all about truthiness. In the end, it doesn't matter what the statistics show, or what is actually safer. All that matters is that fewer signs feels less safe, and therefore anyone who dares to suggest getting rid of some or all of them must hate children, puppies, and Jesus. It doesn't help that rotaries would be part of the solution. Hell, even I'm suspicious that they're part of some sinister Communist plot to spell out "Yay Karl Marx!" on our road maps.

And they will never be "roundabouts" in these United States. Even more than rotaries, roundabouts make me want to take a bunch of tea and throw it in the nearest body of water. That includes my bathtub.

But I am all in favor of doing away with stop signs and speed limits. I've heard some of you - specifically those in Chairman Mao's Boston - yearn for more stop signs to protect your kids from the evil, gas-guzzling, earth-destroying cars. You know what? That's what leashes are for. And helmets. Children should be taught to fear cars, so they'll be less inclined to want to drive at 16, or even 36. Which will make for fewer drivers on the road, which will be good for the environment. So either way, taking down the stop signs is a good thing.

Lastly, a short word about pedestrians in general. In the city, there are sidewalks. Those are for people who aren't driving. If you must enter the street area, you should respect the 3- and 4-ton vehicles hurtling past you at high speeds. If you think some painted lines are going to overrule a green light, you deserve the broken hip. It's really a matter of physics. People are smaller than cars, and slower. If you see a car coming, don't walk in front of it, unless you have the light, or several layers of padding. Because I know I'm not stopping.

If we're in a roundabout, though, then the right of way is all yours. I think that's how it works. But for that you have to go to England, and pay fealty to Queen Whats-her-name. Sheila.

Come to China - watch gymnastics, get arrested and deported!

I'm not going to write about Obama's victory, because it came months ago, and only real news people are going to treat today as if something significant happened. Instead, I'm going to write about a country that's crazier and scarier than America: China.

Yesterday China issued a legal guide for foreigners during the Olympics. Some of the rules are understandable - no attacking participants or judges, no smuggling drugs. But then there are some typically fascistic regulations that will give these Games a true Chinese feel. Only a few of these are actually made up.

1) Come to China, and see the entire country! You want to go to Tibet? Is that the new McDonald's sandwich, in honor of our very Special Olympic Games? It isn't? Well then the Chinese government has never heard of it. Why would you want to go somewhere that doesn't exist?

2) People with "mental diseases" are not welcome. Some examples: bipolar disorder, autism, Baron Munchausen's disease, that one disease where you say what you believe, regardless of the government's position. Tourettes, that's it.

3) The mascots are Syd, Ollie, and Millie. Chairman Mao help you if you bring up any of these.

4) These Olympics are sponsored by Coca-Cola, among other companies. If you try to bring Pepsi into the country, you will be deported to the nearest Myanmarese country. What's a Burma? Is that like a Tibet?

5) Athletes are free to express themselves using whatever means they deem appropriate. But remember, in polite company, a gentleman or lady does not bring up religion, politics, oppressive police states, Big Brother, air pollution, water pollution, noise pollution, rickshaws, Japan, Genghis Khan, Kublai Khan, Morty Khan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, child labor, capitalism, North Korea, Yao Ming, the internet, rock and roll music, smog, asthma, choking, lung cancer, and whatever that Tibet thing is.

6) You may root for whomever you please, but don't yell anything mean. Or obnoxious. Or racial. Or political. Or religious. Or using words. Some nice, encouraging grunts are really welcome.

7) You are free to root for the Chinese athletes.

8) If you have any problems please find one of the many volunteers on staff, who are there to answer any of your questions. If your questions are hard, or relate to a sensitive topic, one of the many undercover agents disguised as volunteers will detain you until an acceptable time is determined for your release.

9) Curfew is at 10 sharp. Lights out at 11. Stories at 11:30, but only if everyone's in PJ's.

10) If you're caught sneaking out of your Olympic village for a romantic tryst, to attend a protest, or to use the bathroom, you will be shot on sight. But what the heavily armed undercover agents dressed as volunteers don't know won't hurt you, so enjoy the thrill of sneaking out!

Can't we all agree that he's going to "Kill Whitey," and she'll emasculate us?

One of the benefits of moving to Pennsylvania is my vote will actually matter. In a swing state, my issues are writ nation-wide, and everyone wants to know if I'm a soccer mom, or a gun nut, or if I hate brown people but couch it in terms of nostalgia and missing the "old neighborhoods." So today the two Democratic presidential candidates sent representatives to the Pittsburgh JCC to pander to me and my new neighbors. For my three readers (hi Dad! Grandma! Homeless guy with inexplicable laptop at Starbucks!), I took some notes, running diary-style, so you could feel like you were there too. If anyone asks, you were the one who took all those Hebrew Barack Obama pins.

1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.

Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?

2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.

2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"

Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.

2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?

2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.

2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.

2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.

(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)

2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.

2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."

Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"

Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.

2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...

2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."

2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?

After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.

Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.

Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:

Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.

(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")

Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.

Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok Israel Israel Israel, football, old people...I got nothing. But I'm sure Barack loves the gimps.
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.

Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.

Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?

Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).

Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!

And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.

F**k you, Ralph Nader

Fuck you, Ralph Nader. I know I already said that in the title, but I'm saying it again. Here, once more - Fuck you, Ralph Nader.

Let it go, you consumer watchdog-humping bastard. These past 7 years of awful governing are your fault. Go back to insisting on safety standards for cars, and not ruining our country.

This is obviously not about 2004, or really any of your presidential runs except the big one. The one where there actually was a difference between Al Gore and President Cokehead Jesusfreak. The one where you decided that it was time for a 3rd party. And that, most of all, is what I blame you for, and why you can go get waterboarded in a secret American prison somewhere in Eastern Europe.

A 3rd party is a great idea. If it were legitimate, it would turn the system on its ear, and even if it doesn't provoke real debate on the issues, at least it gives a little more geometrical diversity to the conventional one-on-one of the Democrats v. the GOP.

And with your little stunt in 2000, you set it back 50 years. And you decide to come out now, when the two frontrunners both appeal to independents, and to many voters equally represent change and a new direction? Fuck you, you deadweight on the bloated corpse of democracy. Are your ideas original? No, they are not. Have you accomplished anything significant other than the resurrection of the Republican party? Again, no. Are you even going to get your name on all 50 ballots? Not if you don't have any money. And who's going to donate, Karl Rove?

Or maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Maybe your reemergence from under your slime-covered rock will remind people what happened last time you decided to get involved, and how badly that turned out for everyone. Your candidacy could actually be a boon, if this is your message:

"I'm running for president so you won't vote for me. I'm here to hark back to what happened in 2000, when I helped the Texan from Connecticut steal an election. So remember, voters, what that led to, and what the danger is of supporting me. I represent nothing other than a warning sign, a 'there but for the grace of G-d goeth the nation.' So support the cause, and don't vote for me. Because a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for the status quo, it is a non-vote, it is time better spent emptying your mind with reality television and eating fast food. Thank you, and G-d bless America."

There. I almost convinced myself that his candidacy may actually benefit the country.
Almost.

Dr. Robert Atwahl IV, answerer of questions

In the rigorous examination I sent to all candidates, only Dr. Atwahl answered satisfactorily. Don't even get me started on Duncan Hunter's entry. If I wanted an essay buddy, I'd go hang out near the middle school.

Here then, are Dr. Atwahl's response to my carefully-crafted queries. I like most that he didn't throw them out, like everyone else. Don't think I'll forget this, Biden. Your hairplugs are mine!

1) Global-warming: myth, grim sweltering reality, or propaganda from the swimsuit and sunblock lobbyists?

- Global warming is the new Osama Bin Laden. After a while, we will all stop caring. 9/11.

2) The War on Drugs has been going strong for decades. The US government now spends as much fighting the influx and production of illicit narcotics as its citizens do trying to obtain them. My question for you: What makes a better bong: saxophone, or cored apple?

- Well let me tell you a little something about a bong. A good quality bong usually has a place to put water, so, although, the apple is more practical, and cheaper, the best bong is obviously the saxamaphone. And I don't want the American people to think I'd sacrifice quality to convenience.

3) How do you plan on making the War on Terror work for the common man? When can I expect my War on Terror dividends? Do you, at the very least, plan to get us all free hats?

- The war on terror will work for the common man...never. This war on terror is more like a war against the American people. Dividends? You've already got Kevin Garnett over there in your commie-pinko town - what else do you want? Oh, and the hat is in the mail.

4) If you were a tree, how many guns would you own?

- Hell, if I was a tree I would have five guns. Because of certain legal issues I cannot currently admit or deny that I have seventeen assault rifles, 42 hand grenades, and a thermo-nuclear device. It's all about deterrence.

5) If the CIA just told you where all the secret interrogation prisons were located, who would be the first person you'd send to be tortured and questioned? What would you want to know? How would you hide the prisons in the future, so some dumb journalist doesn't trip over them? Tree branches? Distracting shiny wars on the other side of the world?

- Ah, yes the torture chambers. I was just there the other day, actually. I wanted to know who's been stealing all my socks? To hide prisons you have to put them in the place that no one would expect, like the White House or Canada . Talk about your real threats, by the way. Damn Canadians...

6) If you threw a global economic summit and invited everyone but China, would that effectively cripple its growing dominance of the global marketplace?

- No, of course not! China and us are like distant cousins. We don't always have to hang out with them, but they know we are related. We keep in touch every six months. I try to send flowers, just so they know I'm thinking of them, and their glorious consumer base - I mean, population. They're people, too.

7) If you love the environment so much, why don't you marry it?

- I tried, I got arrested. Hey, maybe I'll move to your crazy state! Oh, sorry, "Commonwealth." Elitist pricks.

8) Is universal health care the answer to our approaching environmental crisis? Isn't it just a gussied-up version of socialized medicine?

- There is not anything social about universal healthcare. In fact, I think it will going to put an end to social welfare. And the last time I checked, our environmental problems have nothing to do with health. (To be fair, this was written before the San Diego fires, which I'm sure the candidate would agree have something to do with health - ed.)

9) Does the Tree of Liberty really have to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants? In this time of blood donation shortages, should we really be wasting it all on stupid trees? Isn't water sufficient?

- If you knew anything about Liberty trees you'd know they need lots and lots of blood. There is no way around it. It's science, my friend.

10) Are you pro-life, or do you enjoy the Bhutanese delicacy "fetus on rye?"

- I'll take the fetus on rye, hold the placenta. MMMMMM - fetus. Wait, are you going to post this?

11) Our pastor says that if the gays marry each other, soon we'll all have to marry water buffalo. Agree or disagree? If you disagree, who's right, you or Jesus (Don't let the fact that I'm Jewish and don't actually know a pastor to affect your answer. Jesus is still a pretty influential guy. He did invent Crocs, you know.)?

- I believe that half of what your pastor is saying is false. Although we may end up marrying water buffalo we can still stop gays from marrying each other. Jesus once came to me in a dream and tried to steal my crocs. I will never forgive Jesus.

12) If you found Osama bin Laden between the cushions in your couch, would you brag about it immediately, or just have him killed, tape it, and then run the tape when it's more politically convenient?

- I would offer him some water. Than I would kill him with my killer long fingernails. You ever see X-Men? I'm like Wolverine, bitches.

13) If you going to cheat on your spouse while in office, why wouldn't you do it in the Oval Office? That's gotta be the coolest office sex location on the planet, except maybe the Pope's private chambers.

- Who said I wouldn't do it in the Oval Office? Man, I would do it EVERYWHERE. That is, if I would cheat. Which I would never do. I love you, honey.

14) If elected, would you worship at the altar of Democracy, or remain devoted to your current imaginary deity?

- To me Democracy is not something to be worshipped. It is an ideal you bring into your home. You introduce it to your children, and everyone dances and dines together in glorious harmony. Then, after the kids go to bed, you take Democracy into your bedroom and do things to it that are illegal in 32 states. Ooooh, Democracy - who's the bitch now?

15) What TV show best embodies the values you wish to bring to the Office of the President, and why?
- This was a really tough question. Probably the Sopranos, I guess. I see myself and AJ as two young bright minds with similar futures. Also I don't believe in delegating targeted killings. If America wants to whack someone, I'ma do it my damn self.

What I love most about Dr. Atwahl is his willingness to open himself and his family to the public. And his hatred of Canada. The most important lesson I learned when sending out this questionnaire is that no one I know, friends or family, have any sort of desire to write, or answer questions.

Oh, cute!

I don’t know what you may have read about the Blackwater company. Perhaps you’ve heard about this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or this.

I tried to hold off judgment, because sometimes mercenary armies fight for good. Maybe they’re the new GIJoe! And then today there was this headline, so I thought it was time to really check them out. I did a little investigating of my own. I went to their website, Blackwaterusa.com. And you know what? They don’t look any different from any other international corporation. In fact, in some ways, they’re more civil. You know what their Vision is? “To support security, peace, freedom, and democracy everywhere.” Are you going to argue with that? No, you’re not. Because you’re not Osama Bin Laden. And if you are, you still owe me 20 bucks.

Their employment requirements, by the way, are almost genteel:

· Weight must be proportionate to height.

· Must maintain a neat and clean appearance.

· Must be in good health and pass a physical test.

· Most positions require ability to obtain/maintain a secret or higher clearance.

· No history of major illness or mental disorder.

· Must have an Honorable Discharge and DD-214.

· No felony, violent crimes, spouse or child abuse convictions(NO WAIVERS)

See? They won’t even accept a waiver from a child abuser! Let’s see Greenpeace, aka The Haven for Baby-Beaters™ match that.

They also, for your convenience, have a gift shop, where you can buy everything from Christmas Ornaments to Stuffed Teddy Bears to Tactical Shorts. With the holiday season almost upon us, who doesn’t need Tactical Shorts?

Any company that sells teddy bears can’t be all bad, can it?