Monday, February 25, 2008

F**k you, Ralph Nader

Fuck you, Ralph Nader. I know I already said that in the title, but I'm saying it again. Here, once more - Fuck you, Ralph Nader.

Let it go, you consumer watchdog-humping bastard. These past 7 years of awful governing are your fault. Go back to insisting on safety standards for cars, and not ruining our country.

This is obviously not about 2004, or really any of your presidential runs except the big one. The one where there actually was a difference between Al Gore and President Cokehead Jesusfreak. The one where you decided that it was time for a 3rd party. And that, most of all, is what I blame you for, and why you can go get waterboarded in a secret American prison somewhere in Eastern Europe.

A 3rd party is a great idea. If it were legitimate, it would turn the system on its ear, and even if it doesn't provoke real debate on the issues, at least it gives a little more geometrical diversity to the conventional one-on-one of the Democrats v. the GOP.

And with your little stunt in 2000, you set it back 50 years. And you decide to come out now, when the two frontrunners both appeal to independents, and to many voters equally represent change and a new direction? Fuck you, you deadweight on the bloated corpse of democracy. Are your ideas original? No, they are not. Have you accomplished anything significant other than the resurrection of the Republican party? Again, no. Are you even going to get your name on all 50 ballots? Not if you don't have any money. And who's going to donate, Karl Rove?

Or maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Maybe your reemergence from under your slime-covered rock will remind people what happened last time you decided to get involved, and how badly that turned out for everyone. Your candidacy could actually be a boon, if this is your message:

"I'm running for president so you won't vote for me. I'm here to hark back to what happened in 2000, when I helped the Texan from Connecticut steal an election. So remember, voters, what that led to, and what the danger is of supporting me. I represent nothing other than a warning sign, a 'there but for the grace of G-d goeth the nation.' So support the cause, and don't vote for me. Because a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for the status quo, it is a non-vote, it is time better spent emptying your mind with reality television and eating fast food. Thank you, and G-d bless America."

There. I almost convinced myself that his candidacy may actually benefit the country.


Anonymous said...

might have been a better piece if you could restrain your vulgar nature ... remember ... this might be read by your son one day ... and he will say ... my old my might have been right but what a potty mouth ..

Pants Wearer said...

Mr. Old Rambling Man,

respectfully, Ralph Nader deserves nothing more than vulgarity, in the same way that President Nero deserves nothing but scorn and disdain. And Nader's facilitation of Nero's presidency makes him culpable for same. And therefore, when Child, one day, comes to visit me in the sanitarium, and, while wiping the drool from my face, asks me about Nader, I'll spew some more vulgarity. Because, Child, bad words are bad. But that doesn't mean they are always inappropriate.

Anonymous said...

You naysayers - Mr. Nader is exactly what this election needs - time to stop running for the middle - and bring attention to the Keating 5.

Eight more years!

Pants Wearer said...

Yeah, the Keating 5! And while we're at it, let's shed some light on some other equally relevant issues...

What's with this band everyone's talking about, what are they called? The Pixies?

George Herbert Walker Bush is an amazing president. Who could ever beat him?

Have you heard? People are writing electronic letters! On their computers! That's going to put a dent in the stamp collecting business.