Can't we all agree that he's going to "Kill Whitey," and she'll emasculate us?

One of the benefits of moving to Pennsylvania is my vote will actually matter. In a swing state, my issues are writ nation-wide, and everyone wants to know if I'm a soccer mom, or a gun nut, or if I hate brown people but couch it in terms of nostalgia and missing the "old neighborhoods." So today the two Democratic presidential candidates sent representatives to the Pittsburgh JCC to pander to me and my new neighbors. For my three readers (hi Dad! Grandma! Homeless guy with inexplicable laptop at Starbucks!), I took some notes, running diary-style, so you could feel like you were there too. If anyone asks, you were the one who took all those Hebrew Barack Obama pins.

1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.

Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?

2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.

2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"

Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.

2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?

2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.

2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.

2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.

(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)

2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.

2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."

Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"

Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.

2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...

2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."

2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?

After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.

Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.

Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:

Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.

(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")

Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.

Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok Israel Israel Israel, football, old people...I got nothing. But I'm sure Barack loves the gimps.
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.

Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.

Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?

Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).

Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!

And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.

What Iowa means to me

All we learned last night from the Republican primary is that Iowans are not fooled robots acting like humans, no matter how many commercials they pay for. Romney's true form was exposed to the world last night, and it was a titanium exoskeleton covered by a secret Mormon undergarment. It took a hokey Jesus freak to expose him, and by doing so Mr. Huckabee did us all a fantastic service by further marginalizing the GOP. The only thing that would have been better is if Tancredo had stayed in the race and won, but I'll take the religious fanatic who hates gays, abortions, and now immigrants, too. 

Oh, and we learned that Midwesterners despise New Yorkers, even those who only pretend to work there on TV. Goodbye, Fred. Hope the hubbub didn't interrupt your nap. 

The Iowa Democratic caucus is a grand chaos of democracy. The one indicator that everyone was looking for was turnout, because if there were more new people then it was good for Obama. And lo and behold! More than 100,000 new caucus-goers arrived. And it turns out that if voters don't like Hillary at first, they won't be convinced later to vote for her. She got the fewest second-chance votes from non-viable candidates like Biden and Richardson, which is really only more evidence of people not liking her, and being adamant about it, regardless of her supposed electability.

I know there should be more jokes about the whole thing, but it's been a while since there's been a victory for a candidate for whom my vote wouldn't be an embarrassment to my future children. Maybe this is some sort of sign, some indication of a permanent shift toward quality and integrity, and away from business as usual. I want it to be, so badly, if only so I don't have to think of the leader of the free world as a lobotomized monkey, throwing his feces at us and laughing about it with his monkey coworkers. Not that Hillary would be a poop-throwing chimpanzee, but could you imagine her making anything but incremental, aggravatingly sensible change in any facet of your life? 

The results from last night tell me that there are a lot more people like me than I thought, people who want a president to reach for outlandish, outrageous change in staid, antiquated government programs, to think of foreign policy as a host of complicated, delicate issues instead of one us vs. them pissing contest, to consider the economic well-being and physical health of every single person living in this country, not just the top 1% or even the top 50% or even only U.S. citizens, but everyone affected by government regulation and spending. For the first time in my life I am more than just optimistic, I am enthused about the very real possibility of a great person becoming president. Say what you will about Hillary, but for those of you who support her - does she ever evoke passion? Do her rational, party-line policies make you want to jump up and down and proclaim with pride your devotion to her campaign?Is she anything more than "electable?" And now that that's fallen into question, is she anything but Mrs. Bill Clinton, master of the superficial, essentially ineffectual change?

I'll show you genius

A couple of weeks ago the MacArthur Foundation (www.macfound.org) announced its newest crop of 24 genius grants ($100k/year for 5 years). Oh, I’m sorry, they don’t like the term “genius.” Well, I don’t like the term “borderline sociopathic personality,” but sometimes it’s not up to us, is it?

Anyhoo, once again I was not an honoree. Banners, kazoos, and thousands of yards of colored tissue paper were wasted. I’m not ashamed to admit I took it hard. But after a few weeks of refusing to shower, or even change out of my tuxedo, I’m back with a vengeance.

I did some research, and according to David Plotz, John and Cathy don’t accept applications. That’s hundreds of dollars in postage I wasted! So on the off chance that one of you is a MacArthur talent scout, here is why I should be shortlisted for the 2008 MacArthur Fellowship:

As a “professor without portfolio” for several third tier universities in San Francisco and New York, I don’t have much free time for my true passion – leading blind children on photographic safaris to Darfur. There is no purer, more heartbreaking way to view genocide than through the eyes of a child, even if those eyes don’t actually work. Sure, parents and child-rights organizations poopoo my methods, and protest regularly outside my office. But they are bound by the leathery chaps of tradition, and cannot escape the mildewy burlap sack of conventional wisdom.

This closemindedness will bring civilization to a cataclysmic end if I am not able to continue these adventures, which are merely part of my research into the Supersensory Compensation Theorem. The blind children for which I am responsible may eventually develop super hearing, or even an heroic ability to distinguish between sweet and savory foods. We may never know, unless I can afford to continue with the hormone therapies and sleep deprivation procedures. Those hormones are not cheap, by the way, or easy to obtain. One can’t just walk into the local pharmaceutical concern, order 150 gallons of equine lycopene, and not expect some sort of hubbub. The total cost of these therapies, combined with our annual photographic journeys to Darfur for twenty sightless boys and girls, will run to just under $100,000 over the next five years.

And this is above and beyond my work to maintain our security in the face of the sinister bovine threat.

So I put it to you, anonymous talent scout. Do you think the world should be denied my efforts? If you want to put 20 blind kids out on the street, children who haven’t slept in weeks and are all hopped up on horse proteins, then go ahead – award the $500k to someone else. But if you’re tantalized by the idea of millions of boys and girls who can smell strawberry jam from 3 miles away, then you understand how much I – we – need that money.