Friday, January 4, 2008

What Iowa means to me

All we learned last night from the Republican primary is that Iowans are not fooled robots acting like humans, no matter how many commercials they pay for. Romney's true form was exposed to the world last night, and it was a titanium exoskeleton covered by a secret Mormon undergarment. It took a hokey Jesus freak to expose him, and by doing so Mr. Huckabee did us all a fantastic service by further marginalizing the GOP. The only thing that would have been better is if Tancredo had stayed in the race and won, but I'll take the religious fanatic who hates gays, abortions, and now immigrants, too. 

Oh, and we learned that Midwesterners despise New Yorkers, even those who only pretend to work there on TV. Goodbye, Fred. Hope the hubbub didn't interrupt your nap. 

The Iowa Democratic caucus is a grand chaos of democracy. The one indicator that everyone was looking for was turnout, because if there were more new people then it was good for Obama. And lo and behold! More than 100,000 new caucus-goers arrived. And it turns out that if voters don't like Hillary at first, they won't be convinced later to vote for her. She got the fewest second-chance votes from non-viable candidates like Biden and Richardson, which is really only more evidence of people not liking her, and being adamant about it, regardless of her supposed electability.

I know there should be more jokes about the whole thing, but it's been a while since there's been a victory for a candidate for whom my vote wouldn't be an embarrassment to my future children. Maybe this is some sort of sign, some indication of a permanent shift toward quality and integrity, and away from business as usual. I want it to be, so badly, if only so I don't have to think of the leader of the free world as a lobotomized monkey, throwing his feces at us and laughing about it with his monkey coworkers. Not that Hillary would be a poop-throwing chimpanzee, but could you imagine her making anything but incremental, aggravatingly sensible change in any facet of your life? 

The results from last night tell me that there are a lot more people like me than I thought, people who want a president to reach for outlandish, outrageous change in staid, antiquated government programs, to think of foreign policy as a host of complicated, delicate issues instead of one us vs. them pissing contest, to consider the economic well-being and physical health of every single person living in this country, not just the top 1% or even the top 50% or even only U.S. citizens, but everyone affected by government regulation and spending. For the first time in my life I am more than just optimistic, I am enthused about the very real possibility of a great person becoming president. Say what you will about Hillary, but for those of you who support her - does she ever evoke passion? Do her rational, party-line policies make you want to jump up and down and proclaim with pride your devotion to her campaign?Is she anything more than "electable?" And now that that's fallen into question, is she anything but Mrs. Bill Clinton, master of the superficial, essentially ineffectual change?

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