That's a paddlin...

Boost Mobile - you took a seminal childhood memory - the glorious, groundbreaking, and influential Super Bowl Shuffle - and you turned it into a bleary-eyed zombie-eaten corpse of itself. It burns, IT BURNS! Between this, the GI Joe movie, and a recent glimpse of my 3rd grade school picture, my childhood has really taken a beating this year. It's a damn good thing I'm an adult and I don't have to deal with that sort of...

Home purchasing - oh, wait, that's right, I have to do THIS, instead. I'd take a thousand locker shoves from Geoff Terman before I'd go through this again.
Mortgage broker: So if you get me this statement, and a copy of the checks, we should be good to go.
Me: Great! Here you go.
MB: I'm sorry, I meant THIS statement, and a copy of the backs of the checks as well.
Me: OK! Here you go.
MB: Oh, did I forget to ask for a complete sexual history? I'll need that, as well. Oh, and a copy of the original statement, but notarized and handwritten.
Me: Here. Take this.
MB: Oooh, my mistake. It seems that now the underwriter needs the ORIGINAL statement that you faxed three weeks ago, but it needs to come from the fax machine of one Jerry Boseman, of Butte, Montana. Here's his number, if you'll just
Me: Who's the closer now, bitch?

Dan Brown - I wasted 5 hours to read your stupid book, Dan. And I want them back. If you're going to just write the same damn story over and over again, at least hide some of the redundancy. And your obsession with large, hulking evil men who are all devilishly handsome and inhumanly strong speaks volumes about your...interests. I'm not knocking it: all I'm saying is, you're super gay. Own it. And stop publishing.

Sarah Palin - you're a retarded hypocrite.

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Booyakasha.

Festus - you're the size of my thumb right now, but evidently that's enough to make Wife nauseous for six weeks. ENOUGH. If you're going to be this big a pain inside the womb-a, G-d help us when you claw your way out in August. And if you think it's unfair that I'm already complaining about you and you're not even born yet, well...good luck in the Fancy Pants Clan, my fine little whatever-you-are-that's-not-really-a-person-yet-but-has-a-heartbeat-and-toes.

The Olympics - you are not interesting unless someone is crashing. And while there have been some great spills, everything has to have a heartbreaking story. I've got my own crap to deal with, Canada and NBC. I don't need to hear about how the Nordic Combined team all bonded over their shared experience of being adopted and then sold to a cult but then rescued by loving grandparents from Sweden who only wanted their grandson to be great at something, since little Tommy, Roy and Deke can't even read. Wake me when Community's back on.

February - go away, now. This month I have:
- received a black eye from Child,
- broken my own glasses with a lamp,
- had sharp stabbing abdominal pain that mysteriously disappeared after a quick run to the ER,
- dealt with the mortgage nonsense you read about just 30 seconds ago,
- had to deal with 3 feet of snow, and the narrowed streets and the awful drivers and the new and varied potholes and the leaks and the worrying about the new house and whether it's flooded and will we know before we move? because the seller sure isn't going to be forthcoming with that information,
- and now the melting of the snow, which means watch out for enormous falling icicles that will impale you and your loved ones! Hooray! And,
- Black History Month. Not that I'm opposed to blacks getting their own month, but history is boring. We have a black president! Let's hear more about him! Although...

Barack Obama - you are being a real big pussy, Mr. President. Sack up, slap Harry Reid in his old white face, and have Glenn Beck waterboarded. You are the leader of the free world, one of the smartest men to ever sit in the Oval Office, and you let Congress handle health care? Maybe you ARE retarded. In the meantime, own your agenda, and tell the Republicans where to shove their teabags. I know there's room for them all on Sarah Palin's chin. And now that she's working at Fox, it's not like she's got anything better to do.

Can't we all agree that he's going to "Kill Whitey," and she'll emasculate us?

One of the benefits of moving to Pennsylvania is my vote will actually matter. In a swing state, my issues are writ nation-wide, and everyone wants to know if I'm a soccer mom, or a gun nut, or if I hate brown people but couch it in terms of nostalgia and missing the "old neighborhoods." So today the two Democratic presidential candidates sent representatives to the Pittsburgh JCC to pander to me and my new neighbors. For my three readers (hi Dad! Grandma! Homeless guy with inexplicable laptop at Starbucks!), I took some notes, running diary-style, so you could feel like you were there too. If anyone asks, you were the one who took all those Hebrew Barack Obama pins.

1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.

Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?

2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.

2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"

Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.

2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?

2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.

2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.

2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.

(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)

2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.

2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."

Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"

Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.

2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...

2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."

2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?

After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.

Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.

Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:

Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.

(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")

Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.

Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok Israel Israel Israel, football, old people...I got nothing. But I'm sure Barack loves the gimps.
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.

Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.

Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?

Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).

Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!

And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.

Dr. Robert Atwahl IV, answerer of questions

In the rigorous examination I sent to all candidates, only Dr. Atwahl answered satisfactorily. Don't even get me started on Duncan Hunter's entry. If I wanted an essay buddy, I'd go hang out near the middle school.

Here then, are Dr. Atwahl's response to my carefully-crafted queries. I like most that he didn't throw them out, like everyone else. Don't think I'll forget this, Biden. Your hairplugs are mine!

1) Global-warming: myth, grim sweltering reality, or propaganda from the swimsuit and sunblock lobbyists?

- Global warming is the new Osama Bin Laden. After a while, we will all stop caring. 9/11.

2) The War on Drugs has been going strong for decades. The US government now spends as much fighting the influx and production of illicit narcotics as its citizens do trying to obtain them. My question for you: What makes a better bong: saxophone, or cored apple?

- Well let me tell you a little something about a bong. A good quality bong usually has a place to put water, so, although, the apple is more practical, and cheaper, the best bong is obviously the saxamaphone. And I don't want the American people to think I'd sacrifice quality to convenience.

3) How do you plan on making the War on Terror work for the common man? When can I expect my War on Terror dividends? Do you, at the very least, plan to get us all free hats?

- The war on terror will work for the common man...never. This war on terror is more like a war against the American people. Dividends? You've already got Kevin Garnett over there in your commie-pinko town - what else do you want? Oh, and the hat is in the mail.

4) If you were a tree, how many guns would you own?

- Hell, if I was a tree I would have five guns. Because of certain legal issues I cannot currently admit or deny that I have seventeen assault rifles, 42 hand grenades, and a thermo-nuclear device. It's all about deterrence.

5) If the CIA just told you where all the secret interrogation prisons were located, who would be the first person you'd send to be tortured and questioned? What would you want to know? How would you hide the prisons in the future, so some dumb journalist doesn't trip over them? Tree branches? Distracting shiny wars on the other side of the world?

- Ah, yes the torture chambers. I was just there the other day, actually. I wanted to know who's been stealing all my socks? To hide prisons you have to put them in the place that no one would expect, like the White House or Canada . Talk about your real threats, by the way. Damn Canadians...

6) If you threw a global economic summit and invited everyone but China, would that effectively cripple its growing dominance of the global marketplace?

- No, of course not! China and us are like distant cousins. We don't always have to hang out with them, but they know we are related. We keep in touch every six months. I try to send flowers, just so they know I'm thinking of them, and their glorious consumer base - I mean, population. They're people, too.

7) If you love the environment so much, why don't you marry it?

- I tried, I got arrested. Hey, maybe I'll move to your crazy state! Oh, sorry, "Commonwealth." Elitist pricks.

8) Is universal health care the answer to our approaching environmental crisis? Isn't it just a gussied-up version of socialized medicine?

- There is not anything social about universal healthcare. In fact, I think it will going to put an end to social welfare. And the last time I checked, our environmental problems have nothing to do with health. (To be fair, this was written before the San Diego fires, which I'm sure the candidate would agree have something to do with health - ed.)

9) Does the Tree of Liberty really have to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants? In this time of blood donation shortages, should we really be wasting it all on stupid trees? Isn't water sufficient?

- If you knew anything about Liberty trees you'd know they need lots and lots of blood. There is no way around it. It's science, my friend.

10) Are you pro-life, or do you enjoy the Bhutanese delicacy "fetus on rye?"

- I'll take the fetus on rye, hold the placenta. MMMMMM - fetus. Wait, are you going to post this?

11) Our pastor says that if the gays marry each other, soon we'll all have to marry water buffalo. Agree or disagree? If you disagree, who's right, you or Jesus (Don't let the fact that I'm Jewish and don't actually know a pastor to affect your answer. Jesus is still a pretty influential guy. He did invent Crocs, you know.)?

- I believe that half of what your pastor is saying is false. Although we may end up marrying water buffalo we can still stop gays from marrying each other. Jesus once came to me in a dream and tried to steal my crocs. I will never forgive Jesus.

12) If you found Osama bin Laden between the cushions in your couch, would you brag about it immediately, or just have him killed, tape it, and then run the tape when it's more politically convenient?

- I would offer him some water. Than I would kill him with my killer long fingernails. You ever see X-Men? I'm like Wolverine, bitches.

13) If you going to cheat on your spouse while in office, why wouldn't you do it in the Oval Office? That's gotta be the coolest office sex location on the planet, except maybe the Pope's private chambers.

- Who said I wouldn't do it in the Oval Office? Man, I would do it EVERYWHERE. That is, if I would cheat. Which I would never do. I love you, honey.

14) If elected, would you worship at the altar of Democracy, or remain devoted to your current imaginary deity?

- To me Democracy is not something to be worshipped. It is an ideal you bring into your home. You introduce it to your children, and everyone dances and dines together in glorious harmony. Then, after the kids go to bed, you take Democracy into your bedroom and do things to it that are illegal in 32 states. Ooooh, Democracy - who's the bitch now?

15) What TV show best embodies the values you wish to bring to the Office of the President, and why?
- This was a really tough question. Probably the Sopranos, I guess. I see myself and AJ as two young bright minds with similar futures. Also I don't believe in delegating targeted killings. If America wants to whack someone, I'ma do it my damn self.

What I love most about Dr. Atwahl is his willingness to open himself and his family to the public. And his hatred of Canada. The most important lesson I learned when sending out this questionnaire is that no one I know, friends or family, have any sort of desire to write, or answer questions.

Take that, ColBERT

There are many, many things that dissatisfy me about our dear country right now. The quagmire in Iraq, the drooling idiot in the White House, the possibility of a Colorado-Cleveland World Series, my inability to grow a halfway-decent moustache…I am an angry man. And then I see this .Typical Colbert, always taking my ideas and passing them off as his own before I even have chance to make them up. Not this time, Steve-O. You think you’re running as a “Favorite Son?” (and I can’t believe it’s already up on Wikipedia!)

Allow me to introduce a true favorite son: Robert S. Atwahl IV, the Fancy Pants candidate for Leader of the Free World. A 6’5” blond Adonis, this hulk of a man has earned two Congressional Medals of Honor in the Coast Guard, graduated with the highest GPA ever from Princeton Polytech School for the Elite and Astute, and speaks Swedish, Mandarin, Farsi, and seventeen different African bush dialects. A P.H.D. in metapolitics, Dr. Atwahl lives in Middle, Nebraska, with his wife Jane and their seven children, Amber, Michael, Eric, Robert V, Isaac, Candace, and little Anastasia.

He looks just like this, except his eyes are green, not blue. He's also usually wearing a business suit.

Robert (“Call me Dr., dammit”) Atwahl made his money on the rodeo circuit, sending his winnings back to Jane and his brood. After breaking his hip for a world-record 19^th time, he decided to go into international finance, through the sale of “alternative methods of negotiation,” and large-caliber firearms. This provided Dr. Atwahl with real hands-on foreign policy experience, interacting with dignitaries from Congo to Laos.

Over the next few weeks you’ll be able to learn a lot more about the Fancy Pants candidate, his political platform, and which laundry detergent is the best to use when fighting global terror.

If you have any questions for Dr. Atwahl, send them to the Fancy Pants, and he will answer them, as long as they don’t relate to the Guam ‘76 incident.