Take that, ColBERT

There are many, many things that dissatisfy me about our dear country right now. The quagmire in Iraq, the drooling idiot in the White House, the possibility of a Colorado-Cleveland World Series, my inability to grow a halfway-decent moustache…I am an angry man. And then I see this .Typical Colbert, always taking my ideas and passing them off as his own before I even have chance to make them up. Not this time, Steve-O. You think you’re running as a “Favorite Son?” (and I can’t believe it’s already up on Wikipedia!)

Allow me to introduce a true favorite son: Robert S. Atwahl IV, the Fancy Pants candidate for Leader of the Free World. A 6’5” blond Adonis, this hulk of a man has earned two Congressional Medals of Honor in the Coast Guard, graduated with the highest GPA ever from Princeton Polytech School for the Elite and Astute, and speaks Swedish, Mandarin, Farsi, and seventeen different African bush dialects. A P.H.D. in metapolitics, Dr. Atwahl lives in Middle, Nebraska, with his wife Jane and their seven children, Amber, Michael, Eric, Robert V, Isaac, Candace, and little Anastasia.

He looks just like this, except his eyes are green, not blue. He's also usually wearing a business suit.

Robert (“Call me Dr., dammit”) Atwahl made his money on the rodeo circuit, sending his winnings back to Jane and his brood. After breaking his hip for a world-record 19^th time, he decided to go into international finance, through the sale of “alternative methods of negotiation,” and large-caliber firearms. This provided Dr. Atwahl with real hands-on foreign policy experience, interacting with dignitaries from Congo to Laos.

Over the next few weeks you’ll be able to learn a lot more about the Fancy Pants candidate, his political platform, and which laundry detergent is the best to use when fighting global terror.

If you have any questions for Dr. Atwahl, send them to the Fancy Pants, and he will answer them, as long as they don’t relate to the Guam ‘76 incident.