A Glorious Day for Uniflexicom and its Message!

Consumers,

Today is a magnificent day here at Uniflexicom. The Board of Directors and I have declared October 18, 2007 to be “Free Speech Day,” and as I write this our 55,000 family-members/employees are exercising their freedom to wearing the t-shirts Marketing crafted for this new corporate holiday: “Uniflexicom: One Spirit, One Voice, One Mind!”

First, a special thanks to Friend of the Family John Rockefeller, Democratic Senator from the great state of West Virginia. As the Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, he has worked tirelessly with Teletap, our telecom subsidiary, to ensure that they can continue contributing their facilities to stamping out domestic terror threats, as the enemy extends its grubby digits into our borders. Senator Rockefeller was especially kind in protecting us from frivolous lawsuits, filed by terrorist sympathizers and left-wing extremists. Without you, Senator, the Teletap security department would be decommissioned. On behalf of those workers and their families, I say kudos!

For too long Two Tongues Media, Uniflexicom’s communication branch has had to deal with the obfuscation of its message. Certainly, with 150 local and national television stations, and 200 print media outlets, TTM is able to get is carefully crafted releases past the muckraking, scandal-hungry talking heads to you, our devoted customers. But sometimes those polished, carefully worded communications are muddied by trumped-up claims and statistics, or preposterous stories of corruption. But Kevin Martin – who may grill a great kobe steak, but can’t hit a sand wedge to save his life – is taking the bull by the horns. Kevin is standing up to the big-government special interests, and working hard to protect our interests, and those of our shareholders. Don’t you want the convenience, the comfort of knowing that if you miss a story in your local paper, that you’ll get to hear about it in your car on your way to work? And if you take the train, that the same story will appear on the evening news, with the same facts you read that morning over breakfast? What a tremendous improvement that would be over the current system, where one paper says one thing, and then you hear some guy on the radio who says something totally different, and you don’t know who to believe. With the FCC on our side, Uniflexicom will fix that situation, and you too, will be able to wear your new t-shirt proudly: “Uniflexicom: One Spirit, One Voice, One Mind!”