Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dropping a link deuce

Blossom is a PHD candidate?? Maybe I should lay off the LSD. But then how would I get to see Blue-eared Pete, the skunk who tells me which celebrities are gay?

I was going to make a joke about Six trading BJs for crack rock, but then I went to her IMDB page and it turns out she’ll be in Dr. Doolittle 3. Which is a crueler fate? How about if I add that she’s also a country music star? And believes she had to change her name because her guardian angel told her so?

Let’s start taking up a collection to buy her some kneepads.

Rudy vs. Mitt: Who Hates Porn More? – You can’t make up a better lede. I don’t want to spoil the end, but I will say the only disappointing thing about the article is that neither candidate mentions masturbation, or the hairy palms and blindness it causes. But I do want to hear more about Peggy Noonan’s “ocean of filth,” and whether they’re selling any property on the coast. Only because I love the beach. It has nothing to do with the perversion, or the porn. Honestly.

Vegans vs. Vegetarians - Really, this is just like asking who’s better, Hitler or Stalin? The only loser in this conversation? Planet Earth. Because if you start respecting cows now, their inevitable takeover will be…inevitable. Also, I don’t know what lacto-ovo means, but it’s got to have something to do with sex, right? Right?

Free Rice – do you want to “earn” rice that will go to starving peoples at a rate of 10 grains per correct vocabulary question? If you’re like me, and one of your alltime top five accomplishments was completing, before anyone else, the 15th grade vocabulary book in 8th grade, then you’re a big, big nerd, and this game is for you.

I’m really sorry for the double-Heeb injection, not because I’m embarrassed to have visited the site, but because it so blatantly reveals my laziness. Either way, Jonah Hill should maybe spend less time with Seth Rogen. Can you tell me which one it is in this picture? Definitively? No, you cannot. If we find “Jonah Hill’s” body in a ditch sometime in the next year, I demand that “Seth Rogen’s” DNA get tested. We are heading for a real stalker situation here, and I don’t want to have to say I told you so in 8-12 months, when E! has footage of Jonah being led out of Rogen’s house, screaming “I AM Seth Rogen! Look at me! I’m Canadian, eh! There is no Jonah Hill! Seth! SETH ROGEN, DAMMIT!”

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