The lost possibilities of Mystery Men

If I pitched you a movie based on indie superheroes, and I had cast of:

William H. Macy
Greg Kinnear
Hank Azaria
Ben Stiller
Claire Forlani
Janeane Garofalo
Paul Pee Wee Herman Reubens
Eddie Izzard
Geoffrey Rush
Tom Waits
A not-so-annoying cameo by Dane Cook
Ricky Jay

And I told you it was not one of the greatest movies of the nineties, you'd think I was nuts. Mystery Men represents a phenomenally blown opportunity. Not clever enough by half, and too reliant on fart jokes to be embraced by the hipsters - who would otherwise be rolling on the floor, convulsing in knowledgeable smirks over the black Invisible Boy and his powers, which can only be used when no one is looking - it is maddening to watch.

Transfixed by the near miss I watch it again and again, spotting blown opportunity after gaping plot hole after half-assed joke. I can't help myself - I can see the shell of the classic it could have been. Coming out as it did in 1999, Mystery Men could have been the definitive Gen-X slacker comedy, referencing indie comics and music, the angsty comedians who got rich and bloated off the decade, Ben Stiller before he got annoying, Dane Cook before he became the opposite of funny.

But why harp on Mystery Men? There are literally dozens of similarly afflicted movies, movies that could have been so much better with a tweak here or a rewrite there. But Mystery Men's failures are more personal, they hit closer to home, at least for me.

It could have been my favorite movie, dammit! What a cast! What a concept! And it all went to hell because it wouldn't go far enough! It wussed out, falling back on farts, and easy sight gags. Typical Generation X laziness. In that respect, it truly is the pardigmatic 90's movie, with all its unrealized potential.

So really it's all Kurt Cobain's fault.

Dropping a link deuce

Blossom is a PHD candidate?? Maybe I should lay off the LSD. But then how would I get to see Blue-eared Pete, the skunk who tells me which celebrities are gay?

I was going to make a joke about Six trading BJs for crack rock, but then I went to her IMDB page and it turns out she’ll be in Dr. Doolittle 3. Which is a crueler fate? How about if I add that she’s also a country music star? And believes she had to change her name because her guardian angel told her so?

Let’s start taking up a collection to buy her some kneepads.

Rudy vs. Mitt: Who Hates Porn More? – You can’t make up a better lede. I don’t want to spoil the end, but I will say the only disappointing thing about the article is that neither candidate mentions masturbation, or the hairy palms and blindness it causes. But I do want to hear more about Peggy Noonan’s “ocean of filth,” and whether they’re selling any property on the coast. Only because I love the beach. It has nothing to do with the perversion, or the porn. Honestly.

Vegans vs. Vegetarians - Really, this is just like asking who’s better, Hitler or Stalin? The only loser in this conversation? Planet Earth. Because if you start respecting cows now, their inevitable takeover will be…inevitable. Also, I don’t know what lacto-ovo means, but it’s got to have something to do with sex, right? Right?

Free Rice – do you want to “earn” rice that will go to starving peoples at a rate of 10 grains per correct vocabulary question? If you’re like me, and one of your alltime top five accomplishments was completing, before anyone else, the 15^th grade vocabulary book in 8^th grade, then you’re a big, big nerd, and this game is for you.

I’m really sorry for the double-Heeb injection, not because I’m embarrassed to have visited the site, but because it so blatantly reveals my laziness. Either way, Jonah Hill should maybe spend less time with Seth Rogen. Can you tell me which one it is in this picture? Definitively? No, you cannot. If we find “Jonah Hill’s” body in a ditch sometime in the next year, I demand that “Seth Rogen’s” DNA get tested. We are heading for a real stalker situation here, and I don’t want to have to say I told you so in 8-12 months, when E! has footage of Jonah being led out of Rogen’s house, screaming “I AM Seth Rogen! Look at me! I’m Canadian, eh! There is no Jonah Hill! Seth! SETH ROGEN, DAMMIT!”

Tuesday List: …That’s a Paddlin’

“FTW.”

“That is all.”

No-longer-obscure Simpsons quotes

Not having the common decency to switch lanes if the H on my badass Civic has pressed itself into your rear bumper. I’m tailgating you for a reason, lady.

Encouraging young women to dress appropriately and modestly: Pure Fashion

Serving paint chips instead of potato chips. Sure, there’s no trans fats, but there is an extra slice of stupid, courtesy of Slate.com Getting the Lead Out

Not fulfilling your potential before tossing your life away over some puppies. Real men cock fight, Vick.

Believing that cock fighting involves birds, and there is no other subtext. Not at all.

Ring tones. Congratulations, anonymous older woman. Now I know, merely from hearing your phone ring “Umbrella,” that if your husband hasn’t cheated on you, within a week he’ll be all over his secretary.

Zac Effron associated with actual music. But who deserves the paddlin’? It’s not Zac’s fault he’s an androgynous mannequin with caterpillars on his forehead, paid ungodly sums to sing vacuous Disney melodies. And Rolling Stone has to report on the musical zeitgeist as it is, regardless of value judgments. So the paddlin’ goes to Walt Disney’s frozen undead head. Zombie racist son of a bitch.

Rodrigo y Gabriela’s version of “Stairway to Heaven.” Because no one should be allowed to show up Jimmy f’in Page on a guitar, not on this song. And yet there they go, innocent Mexicans, flying in the face of tradition. You’re supposed to be washing dishes, dammit.

It's the Questions...

Questions that have tormented me ever since no one would tell me what “Smurfing” was (and no, I can’t find answers to these on Wikipedia.):

- Inspector Gadget. The Claw, Gadget’s nemesis. The Claw had a cat. What is the cat’s name?

- The Breakast Club. Judd Nelson crawling in the ceiling, tells a joke. “Naked woman walks into a bar with a 12-inch salami under one arm, and a poodle under the other. Bartender says, ‘I guess you won’t be needing a drink.’ Naked woman says’” and that’s where he falls into the library. WHAT? What does she say?

- Q-Tip can’t get off his ass and make another record? What else is he doing?

- Is it so hard to produce another You Can’t Do That on Television? I miss Moose, and Alastair, and wondering why Canadians can’t speak proper English.

- You’ve got the greatest defense in history. The best running back ever (until LT retires). A complete madman at QB. One of the best mustaches on a coach, ever. And a catchy theme song. How exactly were the Bears only able to squeeze out one Super Bowl win? Come on, the Giants? Joe “I get manicures because toenails are yucky” Montana?

- Lorne Michaels was able to produce the bizarre and awesome Kids in the Hall while presiding over the often mediocre SNL. No thoughts of a crossover? What exactly did Dana Carvey have over Dave Foley?

- Does it make me a bad Jew if I prefer Colbert to Stewart, and believe that Woody Allen is a whiny ugly pedophile, and that Johnnie was a cooler Ramone than Joey, and that Ben Stiller isn’t nearly funny enough to be in 7 or 8 movies each year?