Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tuesday List: …That’s a Paddlin’


“That is all.”

No-longer-obscure Simpsons quotes

Not having the common decency to switch lanes if the H on my badass Civic has pressed itself into your rear bumper. I’m tailgating you for a reason, lady.

Encouraging young women to dress appropriately and modestly: Pure Fashion

Serving paint chips instead of potato chips. Sure, there’s no trans fats, but there is an extra slice of stupid, courtesy of Slate.com Getting the Lead Out

Not fulfilling your potential before tossing your life away over some puppies. Real men cock fight, Vick.

Believing that cock fighting involves birds, and there is no other subtext. Not at all.

Ring tones. Congratulations, anonymous older woman. Now I know, merely from hearing your phone ring “Umbrella,” that if your husband hasn’t cheated on you, within a week he’ll be all over his secretary.

Zac Effron associated with actual music. But who deserves the paddlin’? It’s not Zac’s fault he’s an androgynous mannequin with caterpillars on his forehead, paid ungodly sums to sing vacuous Disney melodies. And Rolling Stone has to report on the musical zeitgeist as it is, regardless of value judgments. So the paddlin’ goes to Walt Disney’s frozen undead head. Zombie racist son of a bitch.

Rodrigo y Gabriela’s version of “Stairway to Heaven.” Because no one should be allowed to show up Jimmy f’in Page on a guitar, not on this song. And yet there they go, innocent Mexicans, flying in the face of tradition. You’re supposed to be washing dishes, dammit.

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