Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Pretty orange shirts cannot hide the suck

At first, when I saw the score, I thought, "oh, well, it's 1995, and the Bears suck, and Barry Sanders is running all over our defense. Hopefully sometime in the future we won't be such a crappy team."

Then I realized that it's actually 2007, and Barry Sanders is off breaking tackles in a rec league somewhere. Then I wept.

Everyone knows the defense is beat up. Mike Brown had his season-ending injury earlier than ever this year, Nate Vasher is still out (and even if he's back in, he's still out), our defensive line is what the experts call "patchwork," and I'm going to stop with the boilerplate excuses...now.

Fine. I'll accept it. The Bears suck ass this year. We're 3-5 at the halfway point, and once again our quarterback has decided that it's not as much fun to throw to people on your own team. What is, it, Griese? Do you secretly want to be on defense? Cause we'll throw you into the trenches, put you between Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson, and let you fight for your life among the giants. We'll get the Neckbeard under center, and at least he doesn't have the arm strength to throw it to the other team.

I call upon every Bears fan in Chicago to find Cedric Benson's car, and key it. Tomorrow is Halloween, and his house better be covered in toilet paper, with several flaming bags of dog crap waiting by his front door.

Oh, and Ron Turner? Devin Hester will be waiting in the tall grass for you, buddy. Wasn't there supposed to be a place for him in the offense? You know, a place where he can get the ball, run down the field, and score, as is his wont? Kinda dumb to neglect your only playmaker. I'm just saying.

As a way to ease the pain, here is a fantastic video on the art of laterals:

No comments: