Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Is it War? Are We at War Yet?

9 million more toys recalled for lead content, first strike capabilities

We are a privileged generation. When you've got your grandson on your prosthetic knee, and he asks you between languorous picks of his nose, "did you fight the Chinese, Grampa?" you'll be able to look him in the eye, and say, "first of all, it's Poppop. Second, hell yes I did.

"When they made their first strike, we were caught off guard. What kind of sick bastards use toys as weapons? But then it turned out they'd put lead in everything: our clothes, our shoes, our appliances, our little troll dolls at the end of our pencils. Which, incidentally, don't use real lead. Ironic.

"And when the great Chinese magnets came across the Pacific, we thought they were UFO's. Yokels grimaced, and took down their overralls for yet another anal probing. Nerds rejoiced, and danced awkwardly. But I knew better. I knew they were finally coming for us, we finally got to fight against the great Communist threat, and I was ready.

"We fought them in the playrooms, and in the pantries. We fought them in the classrooms, over tricycles and sippy cups. Sure, I saw awful, terrible things. Young man, you never, EVER want to see a melted, disfigured Polly Pocket.

"They tried to poison us with toxic metals, but we had more bombs. And now the 'Great' Wall is nothing more than a doorstop for America's renewed manifest destiny. Yee. F-in. Haw. Now go run and get your Poppop a bourbon."

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