Monday, August 6, 2007

People are running for President?

Since I have become a major player in the blogoverse (blogosphere? Blogoramma?), my life has changed in innumerable ways. Sure, the groupies, the adoring reviews, the late-night breathy calls from Jessica Alba – Jess, you know I love you baby, but I just can’t smile – these are all great things. But it’s been almost three weeks now, and I haven’t been able to interview a single serious presidential candidate.

Obviously I know many people who would either like to run for president or actually would do a quality job. Brother S possesses the deep-seated ambition to rule the world with an iron fist, perhaps as a supervillain. Small Firm Partner wants to run, but only because he likes chubby Jewish chicks and bottle blondes (it’s about time someone compared Lewinsky to Monroe). My super would be a fantastic world leader, but he’s Nova Scotian, and has too many tattoos to be considered a serious candidate by middle America. And I’ve listened to their harangues, their polemical screeds, their drunken oratories. Now I’m ready for the big time.

I’d like to invite the true, public candidates from each party to come down to my apartment in Boston, and I’ll badger you with insightful questions and obscure movie references until you either a) show yourself qualified to lead the free world; or b) your ears start bleeding. In the weeks ahead I will run the results of my interviews. If we’re lucky, some of the answers will actually come from real candidates, and not the seedy, polluted recesses of my own imagination.


Brother S said...

I will unleash the furry. In due time Fancy Pants. In Due time.

Pants Wearer said...

I didn't mean to reveal your plan. No! Noooo! Not the ill-tempered bass! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH *silence*