Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Child shall never be a rightist!

Wife has been spreading vile insinuations and rumors about Child. 

"Oh, look, he's using his right hand again! I think he's going to be a righty!"

Shut it, odious woman! Bite that tongue! I will not have my boy abandoned to the common, to the oppressive "norm." Righties have the numbers, the history, the language (Latin for left? Sinister), the spiral notebook, the baseball glove, the guitar, the high school desk, the scissors. They believe this dominance will continue indefinitely. 

How wrong they are.

The left rises as the right sleeps. We plot, using our legal pads and smudge-free pens, to overthrow the right's bloated complacency. Sure, there have been missteps (Ned Flanders, paragon of lefty-ness? Oops. And by Matt Groenig, lefty bulwark! That was a paddlin'. Oh, and Maybe Mike Vick as lefty QB Messiah, wasn't the best choice), but now we've got our own presidential candidate. Obama, the Magic Lefty. He's done more to forward our cause than Lefty Grove, My Left Foot, Left Behind, and other left-focused cultural highlights put together. 

And yet, the right won't go away. You'd think we'd be safe in our own home, but just yesterday Wife, in hysterics as I tried to use her discriminatory scissors to cut some bubble wrap, finally couldn't hold back. "Are you ok? Can I help you? Here, why don't I take care of that, and you go do something that caters to your... unique talents."

For too long we've had to deal with this sort of condescension. Child will not be raised in an environment that disdains a discreet, substantial minority. So I've tied his right hand to his side, and only present toys to his left side. I don't use the word right; if he's correct, I say so, and if he wants to turn not-left, I figure he wants to go "wrong." 

I'm sure he'll turn out healthy. But this, lefty parents, is what you have to do to combat thousands of years of oppression. Stand with me, and we shall overthrow the rightist regime.

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