Thursday, September 4, 2008

How do Republicans spell President? P-O-W. RNC, Day 3.

It's not a Republican gathering until old white people start dancing to "Celebration." And...done. It's sexy, but for my grandpa.

I caught the tail end of Cindy McCain's speech. Was she sedated? She didn't even get a chant going. Michelle Obama might have her hands full with Gov. Tina Fey, but she would eat Cindy for breakfast.

Wait, who was a POW? McCain? No way. Did - did other people know that already?
(I know I made a similar joke last night. But seriously, how many frigging times to we have to hear McCain is a war hero? Can't we just stipulate it, litigation style?)

"Country first." I know Republicans love this new motto, but what about Jesus? Don't they love Jesus too? And low taxes? What about the troops? If the troops and the country sat on opposite sides of the room, which way would McCain go?

Super fancy rising dais. The Republicans have obviously spared no expense. Or that would have been the case, if they'd had McCain descend in a jetpack.

Has anyone figured out what the rationale is behind the pictures they keep putting up? Is there some sort of order? Are they supposed to coincide with cues from the respective speeches? Because if so, whoever is in charge should be fired. It's completely incoherent.

It only took 3 days, but someone finally mentioned George Bush. Not by name, but he is technically still president, so odds are that who McCain was referring to. W0w, McCain doesn't even mention George H.W., just in case anyone mistakes one for the other. At least...GHWB was #41, right? That wasn't McKinley, or somebody? How many presidents have we had anywa- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Sorry, had to chant there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it's official - everyone agrees George Bush is a douche.

Mrs. McCain looks amazing for 96. I didn't know she was 3 when she had John. (And there's you're one old man joke. I'll try to avoid the low-hanging fruit from now on.)

Wow, crazy pro-choice protesters. Those were some fancy underwears. McCain handled it well, I think. He didn't yell at them to get off his lawn, or say that underwear was slinkier in his day. (Seriously. Last time. I swear.)

Silly John. The Republicans don't want to hear about the recession, or the war, or any unpleasantness. Leave it to the Democrats to face reality. Just go back t- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Damn, lost my train of thought. I love this country.

The biggest unexpected problem that McCain will have with Gov. Palin is that she brings almost too much energy to the bottom of the ticket. He doesn't quite match up. Although he was a POW, so he's got that going for him. In case you hadn't heard.

Yep, Palin knows what things actually cost. That's why McCain picked her, so someone in his administration would have that knowledge. But I bet he knows what he pays for his Viagra! Haha!
(That one doesn't count. I was mocking him for being impotent, not old. It's completely different.)

When does it get awkward for McCain and Palin to preach change to the very party that they want to challenge? You know, the one that's been in power for 8 years. If the crowd ever figures out how to chant "cognitive dissonance," this hoedown will really get started.

The benefit to the Republicans about the economy being an issue is that the words "Guantanamo," "torture," "waterboarding," "Abu Ghraib," or "bin Laden" don't have to come up.

Yeah, fight those corporate fat ca- wait, aren't we corporate fat cats? Weird. Isn't this the Republican convention? It's like we're in the Twilight Zone!

Yeah, go Neevys! Yay Michigan! Yay Wimmers! Yay Pennsylvania! All we need is Ohio, and we're set. Yay Oh- nope, New Hampshire.

Wait, is he talking amnesty? The daughter of a migrant worker is an American? Don't tell Texas. Or Arizona. Or Iowa.

Yay culture of life! Yay war!

It's annoying, I admit, that McCain mentioned judges and Obama, the con law professor, did not. Cause it's, you know, important.

How exactly do you rave about personal choice thirty seconds after talking about being anti-choice? At what point does this bec- USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
I think I remember what I was saying...something about Commies and their something something.

If you're out of work, how do you pay for community college? And who is going to pay for the "retraining?" Say what you will about Obama's abstract claims in his speech, but McCain is just as vague. No, I will not make a joke about him not remembering the details. Not even if you ask really nicely. I won't do it, I won't say that he's probably not even wearing matching socks. I'm just not that hard up for a funny.

Do the Republicans even bother listening to the Democrats before they refute them, or do they simply take talking points from 10 years ago and reuse them? Although maybe if the Democrats finally put up a fight, the Republicans would actually have to respond with new lines.

FINALLY he mentions drilling. Those people have been dying for a "Drill, baby, drill!" chant.

Is it 1960? Are we back to conflating Russia with Iran? I just want to know before I go and waste money on a red shirt that I'll just have to burn in a year or so.

McCain sounds completely out of place and insincere when he talks about domestic policy. But he does foreign policy well.


Wow, that was the fastest turnaround from bipartisanship to knocking Obama I've ever seen. Upwards not downwards, forward not backward, and always whirling, whirling towards the lowest common denominator!

I would love the transparency and accountability if the policies I got to see and have accounted weren't so, you know, Republican.

I'm sorry, but standing in front of a video of the American flag while you speak is cheating. It is. I could stand up there and get an ovation. I'd have to be naked and doing my "Rhumba of Sauciness," but still, people would clap. Some would even stand.

McCain spoke well. Not President well, but certainly good enough for everyone to wish Sarah Palin was still speaking.

Seriously, Palin vs. Obama would be a real contest. That would be a campaign I'd be afraid of.

Finally, it's all over. Did you know football started tonight? Quick prediction - the Bears will be average. YEAH, MEDIOCRITY!

NowI can go back to posting randomly, and reintroduce myself to Wife.

"Hi honey! I'm right out here...just toss me a key to the new lock, and I'll be right in...honey?"

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