Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My lovely lady Hump Day: Day 3

Fantastically planned move to have Hillary stop the roll call vote and have an "acclamation" in favor of Obama, which is basically the honorable way of saying "sure, I know I got more delegates, now that Florida and Michigan are here. But I will be run out on a rail if this goes on. And something tells me I'm going to be back here in 4 to 8 years."

And Bill Clinton the mensch! Whodathunkit? He could have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble if he'd just stopped being a prick five months ago. Who knows? Maybe then Hillary would be speaking on Thursday.

That, by the way, is my new favorite "thrown under the bus" idiom. Not "she'd be the Democratic presidential candidate," but "she'd be speaking on Thursday." It works in other situations, too. "Did you hear Morris got promoted to Regional Director? Man, I knew he was ready to speak on Thursday, but I didn't think it would be this soon. What a dick." "Oh, honey, straight A's! Well look who's going to be speaking on Thursday!" Admittedly the meaning gets lost in there at some point. But I'm going to break it out randomly, see if it plays.

The movie about the soldiers is poignant, and inspiring. What else am I supposed to say? That Speilberg hasn't made a truly great movie in years? That Schindler's List was overrated? Excuse me while I go outside and drown some puppies.

Why is it that only CNN gets to be in the building? Why does Chris Matthews have to fight off hoboes to do his show? Aside from him being a gigantic tool, I mean (there's a guy who's never going to speak on Thursday. ZING!). But you don't think it would make great television to have him inside, trapped for hours with all those former Clinton supporters? He'd have lost a testicle by this morning, at the latest.

I was just thinking to myself this morning that McCain should announce his VP candidate this week, and lo and behold! Who's wicked smart? Yeah, the guy over here in the pants. That's right.

What if Biden declines the nomination? Would that not be the biggest hoot?

Who is Quincy Lucas? Whoever she is, she LOVES Joe Biden. Yaaaayyyyy! Forget Michael Buffer, I want Quincy Lucas announcing my entry into any and all rooms from now on.

Sure, he was elected by acclamation, but I love the insertion of pointy-headed regulation-talk to make things official. Further proof that the Democrats, despite their celebrity candidate, are still the party of nerds.

If you're going to name your son Beau, you better have another one named Luke. And you better buy them an orange muscle car with a Confederate flag on the roof. And convince them to run moonshine past that evil, sweaty Boss Hog.

Have I not been paying attention before? Do all public speakers lick their lips? Because if that's the case, it's a lot less disgusting than I thought. Wait - no, it still looks all snake-y. Buy some chapstick, drink some water.

Is it really that big a deal that Biden takes the train home every night to Delaware? Housing prices are insane in the District. Or is it that he's not flying? Does this make him the first green Vice President?

McCain has a lot of friends. All kinds of Democrats claim him as a friend. But if all my friends got together and trashed me in a convention-like format, I would find some new friends.

"That's not change, that's more of the same!" I love cheers! Whoa, there are even signs! Someone's looking to speak on Thursday (see? It's catching on, you'll see).

The crowd is just looking for something, anything to chant. If Joe Biden wanted to bring the house down, he'd start "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?" And that would be the greatest convention moment in history.

Biden clocked in at under a half hour. Now that's change you can believe in.

Wait, what's that? Is that...why, that's Barack Obama's music! What's he doing at the Democratic convention?

Joe Biden's speech was good, but there is no doubt whatsoever about who's speaking on Thursday. Barack Obama makes me want to find some old white Vietnam veteran and kick him in the shrapnel.

3 comments:

David said...

If youre going to talk out your ass at least get it right. In your 12th paragraph please refer to Biden as Vice president Nominee or candidate...Biden is not curently the VP.

Secondly if you are going to insult the 58,000 US soldiers who died as a result of the Veitnam war or threaten to assault the 2.59 million living vietnam vets then please list your current address so that they can meet you face to face. Dude, that last paragraph was past the line of decency.

Pants Wearer said...

David,

First, an apology to all the Vietnam vets who are not John McCain. Next time when I refer to him I'll do so more specifically, especially when it comes to urges to kick him.

Second, if I'm going to talk out of my ass, I'll say anything I want, since it's already acknowledged to be crap.

Third, not to get all snarky (but what can I say, I love the snark), but even if I sent my address to the 58,000 soldiers who lost their lives in the Vietnam conflict, I doubt they'd blow off the whole dead thing and come to my house. But who knows? I've been known to elicit strong reactions in the past...

David said...

what do you have against a war hero like John McCain? You don't like heroes? Don't say that too loud, or Superman wont save your ass next time, like he did when you went over Niagara Falls in a barrel.