Monday, March 3, 2008

Texas. Ohio. The Lady vs. The Brother

I was set to do a write-up/liveblog of the results tomorrow night, but I realized that would be a waste of time. Between CNN, MSNBC, Fox, WE, WB, ESPNU, and Nickelodeon there will be about 45,000 analysts picking apart the exit polls, and as original as my fantastic wit can be, there might be some overlap. So tonight I'm violating the principles of time and space and the internet, and liveblogging it now.

8:30 - CNN starts its coverage, and 17 former student club treasurers are offering their take on what to expect in Ohio and Texas:
Anderson Cooper says that the economy will be the biggest issue in Cleveland, while Galveston worries about immigration.
Wolf Blitzer, his beard cultivated in the shape of ancient Gaelic runes, is adamant that pets rights will play an underrated role in people's last minute decisions.
Christiane Amanpour blazes her sultry eyes from a dimlit newsdesk, and proclaims the secret to be the pheromone advantage held by Senator Obama.

9:00 - the polls close in Ohio, and MSNBC calls the state for hometown hero Dennis Kucinich. The diminutive politician is unavailable for comment, as he's already given up the race to take his chances on the dwarf-tossing circuit. In his first heat, he finishes a disappointing third.

9:12 - Brit Hume uses the word "promising" to describe John McCain, and Sean Hannity promptly lays him out with a 2X4 he has stashed under his jacket. Watching off-camera, Ann Coulter completes her portrait (oils on sheepskin) of Rush Limbaugh, naked, riding an Arabian steed across a brilliant green vale. It's glorious.

9:25 - Keith Olbermann counts down the top 10 most evil people in Texas, topping off his list with Daniel Day-Lewis' character in There Will be Blood. "Just because he's dead doesn't mean his sinister legacy doesn't live on in the hearts and minds of the soulless oilmen of today. Dan Patrick, if you're listening, I'm less of a man without you. Come back to me, and we'll spit snark over this crazy thing they call 'democracy.' Dan! DAAAANNNNNNN!"

9:34 - Bill O'Reilly: "Well, early numbers favor Senator Hussein Obama, despite unconfirmed reports that he's molested Christian children as part of a terrorism instruction series he leads at his mosque in Chicago. Also, from sources who wish not to be named, and may or may not be affiliated with her campaign, Senator Hillary Clinton has consumed the heart of her husband Bill, as part of her attempts at swaying the gods who rule over the Texas panhandle. Folks, this is just another example of liberal communist extremists trying to subjugate good Christian folk with their progressive hoo-doo."

10:00 - CNN calls Ohio for Obama, and Chris Matthews has to go change his pants.

10:06 - Exit polls in Dallas put Obama ahead by 346 votes. Geraldo Rivera, in horribly accented Spanish, stands in front of a polling station and asks a young Hispanic woman who she voted for and why. "Geraldo, stop calling me at home. If you come near me again, I'll mace your eyes until they melt. Oh, and your mustache smells like rotting bananas." As Geraldo turns back to the camera, he smirks and says "obviously she's voting for Hillary." Anderson Cooper is not amused. His hair, however, is immaculate.

10:20 - Fox News comes back from commercial to find Dick Morris massaging baby oil into Gretchen Carlson's perfectly toned delts. Gretchen informs us that winos outside a Qwik -Stop in Austin are predicting a Clinton sweep of the border counties.

10:45 - Tim Russert is grilling Mark Penn, Clinton's campaign manager:
Russert: Tell me I'm your mama. Say it! SAY IT!
Penn: ok, you're my mama. Can I have my wallet back now?
Russert: First, let me tell you why tetherball moms are upending CNN's predictions about today's primary.

11:05 - Chris Matthews, tears streaming down his face, calls Texas for Senator Hillary Clinton. "Are you happy now, you blond fascist! What do you have against Barack? Can you not see his beauty? His life-affirming smile, his ears large enough to carry all our prayers? At least acknowledge that he has the legs of Abraham Lincoln. And you think you can do a better job as president than Abraham Lincoln's legs? What hubris, woman!"

11:10 - Rhode Island and Vermont have also evidently held primaries, but no one cares.

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