Monday, August 25, 2008

Denver = Changing hope into butterflies and sunshine

I like the Joe Biden pick. I think he'll reassure Americans who are uncertain whether Obama shares American values, like whiteness and not-blackness. "Don't worry," Biden says to the silent vast American majority, "sure, Obama is black, but I'm here, and I'm white. Super-pale, Delaware-style white. The kind of white you only get in Wal-Mart, or on an albino buttock."

Also, there's his foreign policy experience, complementing blah blah blah.

Michelle Obama is speaking now, and the only thing that got a bigger applause than her mention of Biden is her shout-out to Hillary Clinton. Because from one angry woman to another, that sort of public recognition really means something.

Random thoughts about her speech:

- she's got crazy strong shoulders. Like former swimmer style. She could totally kick Cindy McCain's ass in a Jell-O wrestling match.

- CNN's camerawork is awful. Cameras boucing everywhere, and the sound is mixed way up so the ovations make the speakers shudder.

- I think I've made it pretty clear that I support Obama, but if I hear the word "hope" after November 4, I'm going to punch someone.

- I know less about fashion than I do about string theory, but even I can tell that Michelle's blue shirt clashes with the blue background. She's like a disembodied head with linebacker shoulders.

- Is it wrong of me to imagine Michelle Obama with an afro, and to prefer that to her actual hairdo? Does that make me racist?

- Michelle is a good speaker, but she forgets to wait for laughter and applause. I think it's because she knows the jokes are cheesy, and people are only laughing because they paid thousands of dollars, and they're going to fucking laugh whenever they want.

- A lot of people in the audience are crying. Would I also break down into tears of relief and joy if a Jew were the presidential candidate of a major political party? I think I would, if someone kicked me in the testicles. I would cry many, many tears.

- Where is Obama that he has to appear by satellite? Does he really have better things to do? Or is he getting that last intravenous injection of HOPE from the scientists who genetically engineered him? What the hell is he doing in Kansas City? And who the hell are the Gerardos? Are they another Obama family friend who hates America? Because that would be a bad choice for a visit just before the convention. I'm no genius, but even I know that.

- That last bit? With his daughters talking to him, and he can't respond because he can't hear them? But they keep making cute comments? Just as annoying as eavesdropping on a spotty cell phone conversation.

"Where am I? In Kansas City. Kansas City! Who? Malia? Is that you? Sasha? Did - Malia, don't hit your sister. Sasha? Are you - Michelle? Did you - did you finish the speech? Is everyone - is there clapping? Michelle, you didn't tell the Mexico story, did you? Sasha, it's your bedti - What's that? Can you hear me now?"

I hate that guy.

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