If you're president and you know it raise your hands - oooh, sorry John. Debate #2, live from my couch

Wife has decided she's not going to vote for a man who can't wash his own hair. Although she's a bit freaked by Barack's flippity floppity ears, so it might come down to the wire.

Tom Brokaw has teeny tiny eyes. They make his face look massive.

At 4 minutes, Barack Obama made the first attack on McCain, associating him with George Bush. That didn't take long. Why not put him in the same picture as Atilla the Hun, get it over with?

That's right, I dropped Atilla the Hun on your unsuspecting ass. Where else are you going to go for that kind of hilarity?

Does John McCain know that buying all those bad mortgages will, you know, raise spending?

Does anyone still believe that McCain talking to Joe Lieberman means he's reaching across the aisle? He barely has to reach across the jacuzzi. Wow, that's a G-dawful image. Sorry.

Can we all admit that both McCain's and Obama's voting records are in favor and against earmarks? And they're for and against regulation?

I have fifteen open bottles of tequila, just waiting next to my computer. When the hell is John McCain going to say "maverick?" Screw it, I'm changing the game to drinking every time Obama says "middle class."

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and clean coal walk into a bar, and order beers from the bartender. Who gets served? Bin Laden, because the other three don't fucking exist.

The one disappointment I have about this debate is that Tina Fey won't show up. Golly gee whiz she's sassy.

Hasn't Tom Brokaw worked a debate before? Time limits are for Senate debates, Tommy. And how can you even see those lights with those beady eyes?

It's about 10 pm, and so far the most impressive thing that either candidate has said was John McCain's correct pronunciation of E-Bay. It's not as impressive now that his running mate tried to use it to give away her plane, but still, that's what we're dealing with here. For the love of G-d, guys! John, did you know Obama's been calling you a felon? Barack, don't you remember McCain's most recent ads are barely hidden racist propaganda, and he's constantly misstating your positions? Get angry! This is so damn boring.

So the economic discussion is over, and McCain hasn't collapsed into a quivering sweaty heap, so he wins. Now on to foreign policy, where McCain is strong, but no one cares because they're too worried about getting evicted from their homes.

"My friends, this nation is the greatest force for good in the history of the world. Ronald Reagan, reform, earmarks, he'll raise your taxes, I know war, I know victory in Vietnam, surge, steady hand on the tiller." That is your pull quote for John McCain.

What does it take to coddle a dictator? Are there fluffy bunnies and daffodils involved? Must we play with his footsy-wootsies? Does he get a bubble bath?

You have to admit, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran" has a nice bounce to it.

Unfortunately for McCain, no one cares about Iraq anymore. Which is too bad, because someone should tell him that the surge is working - I don't think he's heard.

No, there won't be a cold war with Russia, because if they try to take back the Ukraine and Georgia, we're going to bomb the shit outta those Russky bastards. Yeah! America! If I could raise my arms I totally would!

(Patriotic note: I know why Senator McCain can't raise his arms, and all about his torture in Vietnam. He was a war hero, and suffered terribly. So here's what I'll do - if he doesn't mention his time as a POW again, I won't talk about his awkward gesturing.)

Wow, serious Israel question. But it neglects the fact that if Iran attacks Israel, Israel might just nuke them. Not that Israel has nuclear weapons or anything.

Dammit! We almost made it through the entire debate without someone dropping a g. "Scrimpin?" Really, Barack? You're leading by 8 points nationally. You're ahead in Pennsylvania, Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Colorado, and New Mexico. Do you really need, at this point, to be stealing tactics from Tina Fey?

We deal now with countries that most Americans can't find on the map. China, Russia, America... Oh, and John? Your generation saw the separation of the continents and the extinction of the dinosaurs by meteor, so I think these challenges are actually right in your wheelhouse. Because you're old, get it?

I've got to say, while McCain didn't lose his head, he didn't really get in any good shots at Obama, so McCain lost. But maybe now we'll get to see another one of those patented Krazy McCain Kampaign strategies. I'm hoping he decides to stop referring to Obama by name, and just calls him "The Great Brown Harbinger of Death and Higher Taxes," which of course he will declare while in blackface.

Two men enter, one man leaves: Phil Hartman vs. Will Ferrell

For some reason I was watching Elf last week. Maybe because it was on. Maybe because I was hiding from In-Laws. Who knows. Either way, I'm not usually down with Christmas, being one of the Christ-killers and all, but I'm ok with that movie. Is it because of Zooey Deschanel? She plays her part, certainly. But really it's all Will Ferrell. And then I remembered a conversation I had in college, while he was still on SNL.

The question was: who is your better Everyman, Will Ferrell, or Phil Hartman? This was obviously before Will Ferrell became WILL FERRELL, but still, he's got a bit of that regular Joe appeal. He's awkward, his body is funny looking, and we know his body is funny looking because he has no issue whatsoever with letting the world see it. And then encouraging the world to giggle at untoned hairy chest. Plus he had Adam McKay as his own Cyrano, writing amazing characters and lines for him.

But Phil Hartman... Everyone who loves the funny loves Phil Hartman. He was plain, and brilliant, and dumb, and clever, and he did high comedy, and he did impressions.

Here, look at some clips of these magnificent comedic gods. And I know I forgot Robert Goulet, and More Cowbell, and Colon Blow. And I would have Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer but Lorne Michaels can sometimes be a douche, and there's no footage online that I could find in 10 minutes' searching. Let us also not forget Kap’n Karl. Alas, no video, but you should find it and bask in the glory of Phil Hartman as a saucy seacaptain, and pre-public masturbation Pee Wee Herman. But anyway, some highlights:

Phil Hartman, Frank Sinatra:




Newsradio: Real Deal Bill McNeal



The Simpsons: Troy McClure



Lionel Hutz, attorney at law



So I Married an Axe Murderer.





Will Ferrell, Perfect Cheer



Celebrity Jeopardy



Ron Burgundy, you magnificent hunk of mustache



Ricky Bobby



Mr. Mugatu



Now, because of his evil, whorish wife, we'll never know the kind of leading man career Phil Hartman would have had on the big screen. But I think he'd have been glorious. Will Ferrell, for all his above-mentioned regular...ness, is totally whacko. You can see it in his eyes. Phil Hartman, though, he could play anyone. Sea captain with a love for some painted-up french chick? He's your man. Radio personality with a god complex? Phil Hartman redefined the standard office blowhard. The only person who's come close since is Dwight Schrute, and even Rainn Wilson has a little too much Will Ferrell in him.

I freely acknowledge that this is some Freedarko-style argumentation, all potential over actualization. But if I want to cast a mild-mannered accountant who's sick of everyone calling him "Numbers," and eventually leads his office in a coup over the regional manager, I'm going with Phil.

Unless he has to get naked for some reason. Then it's all Will Ferrell.

Thunderdome: Brett & Jumaine vs. Jables & KG - sexy time all around?

A few years ago an acoustic rock duo exploded onto HBO, sending rock and sexy mansweat spewing everywhere. Jack Black and Kyle Gass, united as Tenacious D, used hair metal as a weapon against evil, and a dangerously powerful aphrodisiac (how many power duos have no problem sucking on toes?).

Then, last year, a shot was fired across their overweight bow. Out of New Zealand, the 4th-ranked digi-folk parodists duo Flight of the Conchords proclaimed that looking like Andy Samberg and loving David Bowie makes you the nuts.

Now, for the first time anywhere, we who Wear Pants pit them against each other in the Thunderdome. "Two men enter, one man leaves."


Origins:

The D: spawned from the pits of Hell and vomited upon this land in LA, where they play small clubs and fight about whether cock pushups make you ready to rawk.

Conchords: Fom New Zealand, which is awesome, because the only other things from New Zealand are Peter Jackson, hobbits, kiwis, and sheep. Lots of sheep. So it's fitting Brett & Jumaine moved to Brooklyn.

Advantage - The D, by a nose (New Zealand is cool, but Hell is hot.)


Appearance:

The D: jolly fat men who wear white socks pulled high. JB's hirsuteness (hirsute-ity?) makes up for Kyle's baby-like absence of hair. Like Donal Logue in The Tao of Steve, their girth does not prevent them from wooing the ladies.

Conchords: Andy Samberg, without the weirdly thick neck or Jewish nose. Hipster uniform, as required by Brooklyn residency statutes. Jumaine has fantastically thick lips, stretching from his chin almost up to his indie-rock plastic-framed glasses. Brett wears sweaters.

Advantage: The D, because you need extra calories if you're going to bring the rock. And because KG, if he lived in a place with snow, could pass as a snowman. He's a double scoop of vanilla on twin popsicle sticks.


Vocals:

The D: quality harmonies, and surprising range for the round mounds of sound. Add that to Jack's Dokken-esque roar, and they're pretty versatile.

Conchords: Jumaine can hit the lows and the highs, and Brett's just all over. Plus, there's the kiwi accent, and the Pants Wearer loves accents.

Advantage: Conchords.


Music:

The D: focusing on the rock, they do what they do well. But beyond an occasional love ballad about the D and the double team, that's about it. Their secret weapon is Dave Grohl, who shows up to play drums. But this is a 2 on 2, so he doesn't count.

Conchords: From hip hop to folk to Marvin Gaye-esque protest ballads about love being like cellar tape, they can do it all. Plus, their Bowie in space is better than Bowie actually being in space. Dig that.

Advantage: Conchords


Shows/movies:

The D: The show was great, and had the benefit of great cameos, like John C. Reilly playing Sasquatch. Disadvantaged because their show was only 15 minutes long. Made up for it by making a movie, but it kinda sucked. The Pick of Destiny will forever sully the memory of the D on screen.

Conchords: haven't made a movie, but their show is amazing. Their support cast - manager, obsessed fan, random building guy - is also a whole lot better than the D's. Could not, however, exist or flourish without the D having blazed the trail before them.

Advantage: Push


Secret identities/powers:

The D: AKA Wonder Boy and Nastyman. How about the power of flight? That's levitation, homes. And killing a yak with mindbullets? Telekinesis, Kyle.

Conchords: Hip Hopapotamus and the Rhymenocerus. The Hip Hopapotamus - his lyrics are bottomless. The Rhymenocerus raps about reality, like there ain't not party like his Nana's tea party (hey, ho).

Advantage on powers: The D, in a blowout.
Advantage on hilarity: Conchords, because New Zealand sometimes trumps all.

The winner: There is no winner, because the Pants Wearer is many things, but sometimes being decisive is not one of them. So there you have it. A tie. If I had a sister this is what it would feel like to kiss her. But given the joy that both groups provide the world, aren't we really all winners?