Monday, July 14, 2008

I've got gigantic blue balls

OK, maybe the title was a little...jarring, but I really think I need your attention on this. Ever since Barack Obama won the Democratic presidential nomination, there has been a flurry of skittish paranoid - pardon the candor - pussiness.

It culminated recently with this New Yorker cover, which you can find here, but I can't seem to show the actual cover because I'm not so secretly an idiot.

This set off a flurry of craziness, laid out quite well here.

All of this makes me kind of want to vomit. I've had to talk other Democrat supporters off the ledge because of the Rev. Wright thing, the black thing, the Indonesia thing, the black thing. And I will admit, as Hendrik Hertzberg does, that the telecom immunity thing was a kneecapper. That one hurt. It was a baldfaced political move, designed to show he's "tough on terror," and easy on big business. The fact that his vote wouldn't have mattered one way or the other made it almost too easy.

So sure, liberals are upset. They're nervous. And not like 4 years ago, when they were afraid because their - OK, our - candidate was a sad sack of elitist, out-of-touch robot man. It's weird to be the frontrunner, huh? Everyone out to get you, your opponent pulling out all the stops just to take you down a peg or two. Not like last time, when...they...didn't...with the...Swift Boat...right. Nevermind.

But I'm going to put a stop to this, right here. Get off your collective khaki'd ass, Democrats. Barack Obama is a fantastic candidate. Smart, well-spoken, tall. He has great floppy ears. His wife is hot and spicy, and gives a mean pound.

Fist bump, people. That means fist pump.

And I know this didn't help us last time, but it has to be mentioned for the record: one of the best things about Senator Barack Obama as our Democratic presidential candidate is that he's not Senator John McCain. And watch, I can do this without mentioning that McCain is so very very old.

McCain - doesn't support off-shore drilling for oil. Wait, sorry, he does now, never mind. He wants to repeal the tax cuts that favor the wealthy. No, sorry, he's now in favor of making those cuts permanent. Which hey, that's cool, I like rich people. It's just that there are all those poor people, and they seem kinda important too, so maybe we should throw them a bone, or universal healthcare. Poor people, for the purposes of this post, is defined as anyone making less than $250,000.

McCain has an awful temper that makes him volatile in stressful situations. He's pro-life, he's a proponent of maintaining the war on drugs, and he's backed off of every reasonable position he's ever held, including illegal immigration. His solutions for global warming, social security, and health care are complicated: "hey, let's let corporations handle it! Then we can focus on what government does best - killing and oppressing people who aren't American. Unless they're Muslim, in which case full body cavity searches for everyone.

Yes, that's a tad heavy-handed. But you know what? Screw them. We own this election. We're going to put a Democrat in the White House - a black constitutional law professor. A liberal. An elitist, in that he's better than you, me, and anyone else you or I know. He's going to wipe the floor with McCain. It will be embarassing - first white man to lose a presidential election to a black guy and all.

So stop whining! This should be a 4 1/2-month party. Because unless Osama Bin Laden is the October surprise, McCain is going to go wee wee wee all the way home.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Like every fist-pumping Democrat, you see all the problems, yet choose to ignore the fact that that since he tickles your "fancy" on a couple of "liberal" issues, he brings meaningful change. He's just another Democrapublican.

Enjoy your party.

Sam

Hamburgler said...

Wow, for about a second or two there I thought you wouldnt sound like a complete idiot. Thank you for clearing it up. Please tell me when you stop drinking your bong water long enough to have a rational thought.

Pants Wearer said...

I'm sorry, Hippie Sam, I'm not sure what fact I'm overlooking.

And what, you're going to vote Green? Or are you going all the way back to Ralph Nader?

The Democrats finally have a decent candidate that isn't in some way embarrassing, and you don't find that a titch encouraging?

Save your bitterness for this time next year, when he's decided to invade Iran to cover up his many infidelities. Then you can get all whiny and "I told you so"-y.

Anonymous said...

The problem that you're overlooking is that a democrat or republican president doesn't make a difference, at least not to me or the people all over the world who only know poverty and death as a result of our conduct as a nation. If you need it spelled out real simple for you, go read Howard Zinn's People's History of the United States. Democratic presidents wage war, support dictatorships and promote policies that allow the rich to become richer at the expense of other human beings--just like republican presidents. The election is just another opiate--enjoy it, if it brings you pleasure, great. But don't anoint liberalism or Obama the title of panacea.

Vote?! Why?

Hippie Sam

Pants Wearer said...

Stoner McPinko,

if you're going to cite Zinn, you better know. Go check out Naomi Klein. No Logo, The Shock Doctrine...sure, you hate the "two-party" system, and both sides of the same coin. But how much do you hate the corporate interests that support it? Enough to read entire tomes on laissez-faire economics? You may have to drop the bong for a while.

Oh yeah, I fuckin' LOVE Stalin.

Hamburgler said...

Dude, why dont you just plug the book you are reading.