Thursday, July 10, 2008

The lady in the...dress. Maybe pants. Or a skort.

Objectively I would have to say that I'm an amazing husband. On a scale of 1-10, I'm at least a 9.5. Definitely over an 8 3/4. There's no way I'm less than a 7.

Fine, be that way. But I think we can all agree I'm over a 5, right?

Either way, one of the most frustrating things for Wife is that I have no sense of women's clothing. Sure, I know the cardinal rule of lady's fashion: "If you've got it, flaunt it." But beyond that, I know that plaid doesn't go with stripes. Or maybe it does sometimes. If the plaid clashes. I know clashing is bad, because it sounds like war. Which the song tells us is good for uabsolutely NOTHIN'!

So today while reading some German I thought about it. I have opinions about whether women look good in certain clothes. And then I realized something - I don't pay any attention at all to what women wear. Not their clothes, not their makeup, nothing.

I was shocked. So I tested myself. The hot Asian chick who sits three seats down: what is she wearing, without looking? A pants...suit? I turned, and she had on a skirt with a tank top.

I did, however, realize she wasn't naked. So I have that facility: I am aware that women wear clothes, because I know they don't walk around the office naked.

But anyone with the power of sight and not wearing x-ray glasses can figure that out. Is that all I've got? I started focusing on the outfits my coworkers were wearing. And immediately I could determine certain facts: I knew when something didn't fit right; I could tell when shirts and pants and skirts were too tight or too loose, and when each was either good or bad; I could determine if something looked bad or good.

And then I noticed something else. Anytime I noticed a nice outfit, or categorized a shirt as "tight-but-a-good-tight" the item in question was always worn by a good looking lady. And the ugly clothes? Worn by less than attractive women.

Aha! An epiphany smacked me in the forehead. No, that was my desk as I nodded off. Still, I became aware of the problem Wife had with my answers to her regular hotness concerns. And the answer? Herewith, in syllogism:

I think Wife is hot. Usually she wears clothes. Therefore the clothes she wears look good.

Obviously there are certain situations where even I can tell that Wife's outfit is not the best, or that her new pants don't fit. Like I said above, I can see whether clothes fit. It's those more nuanced determinations: "Should I wear this, or this?" "Does this go with that?" "Are you going to spend all night on the fucking computer or are you going to come to bed?"

And those are where the whole Husband thing comes screeching to a halt. But hey, at least I've got...stuff...

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