Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Hillary is the New Satan

The National Review has recently changed the banner on its website to “Help Us Stop Hillary!” There is also an unflattering picture of her under a Ghostbusters-style red circle with a slash through it.

Some might say that it’s a bit premature to be concerned about a particular candidate, perhaps because:

- It’s 13 months until the election; or

- There are 3 months until the first primary; or

- According to recent polls, only 1/6 of primary voters in early states like New Hampshire and Iowa have decided for whom they’ll vote; or

- There are still 77 different candidates.

These people, though, are misguided, and un-American.

No one in my neck of the woods realizes the danger posed by the blond Senator from Chicago – I mean Connecticut – I mean New York. And I try to convince them, to show them how serious it is that she’s running. I throw out these salient facts:

1) She is a woman. And as we have seen in this country, no woman can adequately perform the necessary functions of the president, like having openly secret affairs with Marilyn Monroe, or Monica Lewinsky (ouch, low blow. But you know what? I didn’t think she was that ugly). Unless Hillary is a lesbian. In which case she is more qualified than I thought.

2) She is not a man. Men have ruled the earth for thousands of years. We built the Pyramids with brute strength, and competent math skills. We impregnated vast populations of ladies, using manly guile and sperm. Men have waged wars, awful bloody wars, that have become fodder for awesome movies. We slew entire species: the wooly mammoth, the saber-toothed tiger, the dodo. If one – most likely, based on the numbers, a man – were to venture up into space, one could see our creations from thousands of miles away.

3) Hillary Clinton is female. Chicks are crazy, man. This one time, I was dating this girl, and I forgot our three-week anniversary, and she burned my car, and sold my dog. True story.

4) She is Bill Clinton’s wife. Now, we all know there is a lot of stuff going on around the world about which we have absolutely no clue, let alone any sort of insight. Does Iran really want to be a contributing member of global society? Who knows? Is there an effective worldwide plan to stop global warming, and to discover cheap renewable energy? I have no idea. But I want my president to know these things. And if Hillary Clinton had no idea Bill was getting blown in the Oval Office by some intern, then how is she going to know whether Pakistan is selling nuclear weapons to Trinidad (but not Tobago – I wouldn’t trust those morons with a slingshot).

5) Did you know that bears can smell a woman’s menses? BEARS! She’s going to put the whole office in danger! (Just be thankful I limited myself to one Anchorman quote)

6) Hillary Clinton has been taken to task repeatedly for her fashion sense, or lack thereof (meeoww!). Recently, though, she’s been showing some sexy post-menopausal cleavage. If that’s the sort of skanky attire we can expect from her as president, she won’t get anything done. Imagine this nightmarish scenario, say, in a Cabinet meeting: Sorry, Madam President, I didn’t hear your revolutionary healthcare plan, I was too busy staring at your jugs. Oh, I dropped my pencil, could you reach down and pick it up? Thaaaaaaaaaaat’s it. Nice.

7) She is a woman. Women already have buildings in which they rule with an iron fist – they’re called houses. Give them more power, and it will be anarchy: mothers whipping out boobs to breastfeed in the middle of churches; The View will become the anchor show during primetime, right after Grey’s Anatomy, and right before Desperate Housewives; sensible clothing will replace ho-wear in clubs and high schools around the country; softball will replace baseball as the national pastime (not that I’ll miss baseball, but it’s the principle, dammit); and you’ll be able to walk in to any Bed Bath & Beyond and get your abortion, gay marriage, and free lung transplant while waiting for your highlights to set.

8) Finally, Hillary Clinton is not a man. She doesn’t understand tradition. There are certain things that are sacrosanct in this country. We refuse reasonable health care, because unlike Europeans, we never had a caste system, so we have to work hard to create one. Otherwise we get left out. And America doesn’t get left out. Also, every few years we have to get into a war. It’s not pretty, but it keeps these industries afloat: military-industrial, domestic-industrial, industrial-industrial, pharmaceutical, medical, transportation, print media, 24-hour television news programs, military fiction including books, TV shows, and movies, comedy, tragedy, satire, allegory, psychiatric, social work, religious, clothing, and Cher.

9) Oh, and she’s smart and unbelievably well-informed. That’s not the sort of type we want for the Leader of the Free World.

Please help us, then, both here and at The National Review. It’s not that we’re sexist, or chauvinist. We just don’t want some broad to show us up.

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