Monday, October 8, 2007

Welcome Back, Ron Turner

First, I want to welcome the tight ends. Desmond Clark, and Glorious Greg Olsen, enjoy your time in the offense. You're the only decent receivers we have, so get comfortable. Can I get you guys some drinks? Anything you need, you just let me know.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around a win where neither the defense nor Devin Hester scored. Is this how normal teams win? Crazy.

Charles Tillman, you magnificent bastard. 2 forced fumbles? Your hands are like claws, ferocious with razor-sharp talons and with the swiping and mauling and humiliations. Mr. Jones, Al Michaels couldn't stop talking about your great hands, and I agree. Your hands are wonderful. Not so much for catching and holding on to footballs, but with your long, sinewy fingers you could be a hand model. You might want to look into that as Brett Favruh hunts you down on his Alabama farm.

Obviously this was all about turnovers, and the important rule for all you offensive coordinators to remember: when the other team is reeling from coughing up the ball in an embarrassing manner, take a shot downfield on the next play. John Madden called it, Ron Turner took all his thinking about this game and shoved into 2 plays - the touchdown after Favruh's interception, and the playaction pass to Clark on 3rd and 2. Magnificent.

Griese was serviceable, and I won't blame him for the interception. It was tipped; that happens. Of course, if his name was Rex, I'd be sticking my Adidas flip-flop up his rectum. Poor Rex - who knows when you'll ever see the benefit of the doubt again?

Cedric Benson continued his quest to prove he was a huge bust, and can't carry a load on his own. Ced - if you're a top running back, and you get 25 carries in a game, you gain over 100 yards. I know it's complicated, but write us here at the Fancy Pants and I'll send you the formula with which you can work out the answer on your own. There's calculus and quantum mechanics involved, and also talent. Good luck.

Oh, and Brett Favruh, and the rest of your Packer buddies? I hope to god this is your last year, if only so you know that your archrivals walked into your house and made love to your hottest daughter in your living room, in front of your dear mother. Oh, and they also beat you like a red-headed stepchild. Choke on it.


Anonymous said...

Reading your blog, I've come to the conclusion that you are a bitter, angry person. Kudos to you.

Pants Wearer said...

And here I thought this was one of my more upbeat posts. What was it Lincoln said? Everyone can't be pleased all of the time, something something about slavery, and Gettysburg. Great beard, that one.