Finally, the Bears Recap

Isn’t it weird to use the words “epic late-season collapse” and not continue with the words “Boston Red Sox?”

That will be the only baseball-related item on this here website this year, unless the Cubs win the World Series, in which case I shall hand over the Fancy Pants to a Cubs fan, who will right some tearful nonsense about ivy, Ernie Banks, and the glory that is Alfonso Soriano.

In other news…Thomas Jones, I never meant the awful things I said. That other running back was just a fling, baby! You know how it is with younger players – they’ve got new, interesting numbers, and big pretty muscles, and high draft positions. But I’m more mature now. I know what I’ve been missing. Ron Turner has your picture up in his locker, and Mike Brown, injured knee and all, makes Cedric Benson watch your game film each week until he breaks down and admits he’s half the man you are. So let’s stop all this fussin’ and a-feudin’. How bout I get you some ice cream, and we’ll snuggle while we watch Grey’s?

I’m also sorry for what I said about the Sex Cannon. It’s not your fault there’s no running game. Or coherent offensive scheme. All you do is cock and throw, baby. That’s all we can expect. At least you’ve got an interesting fictional persona. All Griese has is a famous father.

Does anyone know where I can get some antibiotics? This injury bug is killing us (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- puns are funny).

Welcome back, Devin Hester. Loving you is like my crack addiction. It burns hot and fierce after each hit, and I’d step over my own mother for just one more. But in the end, the vicious cycle of highs and lows will probably make my heart explode.

Kitna’s resurgence may in fact be a harbinger of Jesus’ return from Elvis Presley’s alien vacation home. But couldn’t he come up with a cooler vessel? Now, if Vick gets off, comes back to the Falcons and rushes for 1,500 yards while throwing for 3,000 during the last half of the season, and credits it all to the J-man, I might actually be inclined to switch teams. But Kitna? All I want to do now is pray to my god that Kitna gets a scorching case of herpes.