Monday, October 1, 2007

It's That Time Again...

Bryce Withershire: We’ll get back to the intrepid woodcutters of southern Honduras in just a minute, but now we need to remind those of you just turning in that we’re seventeen minutes, thirty…three seconds away from the final hour of our fall pledge drive, and we need your help. Without you, our listeners, we’d be nothing: Janey Grimshackle would be out on the street, offering oral pleasure instead of the aural satisfaction she now provides.

Janey Grimshackle: Oh Bryce, you’re awful! But in all seriousness, without WSNB, your morning commute would be a soulkilling exercise in mankind’s basest and worst instincts. Sure, there are other radio stations on the dial, but do you want to be bombarded with more popular music, sports and local news? Where else can you hear about the U.S. Poet Laureate’s fascination with bathroom grout? Nowhere else. Don’t kid yourself.

BW: Operators are here, waiting to take your call. And as you know, this year there are generous donors willing to go dollar for dollar on all the money contributed by our listeners. On other stations, these corporate marketers would rely on expensive, elaborate commercials for which they’d pay thousands of dollars. But here on WSNB, all they have to do is contribute tax-deductible revenue that they can claim as charitable donations, and they get the sultry, dulcet tones of Janey Grimshackle reading ad copy on their latest male pattern baldness ointments.

JG: Well as you know, Bryce, Hir-sutrin has been shown in several studies to increase both coverage and density. But please remember, there are only fourteen minutes and thirteen – fourteen seconds left until our autumn fundraising is finished, and we still need to raise $186,752 before the end of the hour, when Lloyd Shawbridge hosts an all-new “Skyline” with Dr. Wilhelm Ossenbachfeis, who will tell us all what concentrated orange juice futures have to do with your Thanksgiving travel plans.

BW: I hope they won’t interfere with my flight to Bora Bora! But please, listeners, call in with your donations. We don’t want to have to skin this precious labradoodle puppy. Just a dollar a day, less than the cost of your soy latte, will allow us to keep bringing you poignant, heartrending stories like Amaretto Consuela Garcia-Mojito’s gripping tale of hardship and woe during her three hour ordeal in a Fort Lauderdale prison, which you can hear all about on Maxwell Bootle’s “Things Remembered.”

JG: One more thing, Bryce. As you go through your morning yoga routine, remember that Snuffy, our little ball of fur and energy is hanging in the balance. Don’t make him suffer just because you can’t make a phone call! We also still have twenty-four WSNB canvas sacks, perfect for food shopping, or drowning cats, or any of a number of common household uses. Oh, look at Snuffy! Isn’t he cute? Look at him wiggle on the end of that hook! Bryce, who gets to skin it if we don’t meet our fundraising goals?

BW: We’ve offered it to Shane Ferstwitter’s Home for Troubled Teens, and they’re now drawing straws to see who’s the lucky sociopath. But Snuffy won’t have to suffer at all if you act now. We’re down to the wire, folks, and we still need $185,514 in the next seven minutes to match our budgetary needs, and to make sure Snuffy doesn’t fall into the hands of a fifteen-year-old with a Swiss Army knife and no conscience. Who doesn’t want to help ensure that enjoyable programs like Long Duk Matthewson’s Sunday morning “Jazz Hands” can keep entertaining the dozens of avid fans it attracts? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to get Long Duk mad.

JG: No one likes chemical burns, Bryce.

BW: Well, in the meantime, we have two minutes and nine seconds left, and we’re still well-short of our goals, so does Dennis want to start sharpening his – oh, he’s ready then.

JG: Oh, hate to stop you short there, Bryce, but it looks like we’ve got an anonymous guardian angel. Somebody must have a labradoodle at home! What a generous gift, with just seconds to spare! It’s ok Dennis, we’ll have you back, and maybe then you can gut something. Thanks to Bryce Withershire for joining me in the studio this morning. We’ll be back tomorrow with a new goal, and a new puppy. So Lloyd Shawbridge, what can you tell us about orange juice concentrate that we don’t already know?

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