Wednesday, August 8, 2007

This is your Democratic Party

Here are the Democratic Senators who either voted to allow warrantless wiretapping last Friday or couldn't be bothered to show up, and some reasons for their actions.

Blanche Lincoln (AR): to honor her family name Sen. Lincoln dedicated her yes vote “all the slaves owned by terrorists.” She also grew a beard and built a log cabin with her bare hands.

Mark Pryor (AR): Sen. Pryor split with the Democratic party line because of their refusal to support his Love Thy Sibling Act, which started as a voter referendum that passed by a record 98% in Arkansas.

Barbara Boxer (CA): didn’t vote. Unconfirmed reports placed her and Sen. Harkin attempting the difficult but deeply satisfying Congress of the Cow in the Millard Fillmore Coat Closet while roll was called.

Diane Feinstein (CA): Wanted badly to vote no, but was just too curious about what her neighbors were saying about her rose garden to let this opportunity pass her by. Incidentally, they think it’s exquisite. So it was totally worthwhile.

Ken Salazar (CO): “because fuck Wyoming, that’s why. Scheming bastards, I want to know what they’re up to!”

Tom Carper (DE): according to his bio, fell in love with Delaware while he was in the Navy. Around the same time, he also fell in love with the taste of semen.

Bill Nelson (FL): the President promised Sen. Nelson that if he voted yes he’d get to go take another trip on the Space Shuttle where he could enjoy all the drunken weightless sex he could handle.

Daniel Inouye (HI): did you know that smoking too much weed can make you confused and disoriented?

Evan Bayh (IN): the extra h stands for Hitler.

Tom Harkin (IA): didn’t vote. Iowa stands for Idiots Out Wandering Around, which evidently didn’t put off Sen. Boxer, that skank. Actually made it to the Senate floor in time to cast his vote, but forgot what it meant to vote “no,” and didn’t want to end up looking like an Iowan.

Mary Landrieu (LA): as a self-proclaimed Senate leader in education from Louisiana, Sen. Landrieu knows there’s no better lesson than to show others how not to do something.

Barbara Mikulski (MD): The Senate’s Dean of Women learned that, while “no” definitely means “no,” no one ever told her what “yes” means.

John Kerry (MA): didn’t vote. Learned the hard way how the voting process can really screw him over. Take that, democracy!

Amy Klobuchar (MN): her “Minnesota moral compass” directed her head right up her ass. Those Minnesotan ladies – so flexible! So easily manipulated!

Claire McCaskill (MO): Was worried Missoura would see her as too girlie if she voted no. After her “aye” vote, got some football buddies together and date-raped some cheerleaders. She’s all man now, St. Louis.

Ben Nelson (NE): If he doesn’t keep himself in the news Sen. Nelson might have to go back to Nebraska. And he’s promised his family he would never let that happen.

Kent Conrad (ND): figured the only way to keep North Dakota from being sold to Canada was to vote like a lobotomized crack baby. Mission accomplished, sir!

Byron Dorgan (ND): didn’t vote. Maybe if Sen. Conrad had returned Sen. Dorgan’s phone call, Sen. Dorgan might have known what he was supposed to do when his name was called.

Bob Casey (PA): replaced Rick Santorum. In preparation for each vote, drinks a tall glass of santorum to boost his confidence and remind him of his days at Holy Cross.

Tim Johnson (SD): didn’t vote. In fact, Sen. Johnson never votes unless the bill in question mentions Mount Rushmore.

Jim Webb (VA): Rolling Stone called him the Senate’s Most Unlikely Revolutionary. After he voted yes, he grabbed some Tazo Teas from Starbucks and threw them in the Potomac. Then he put on a three-cornered hat and stabbed three English tourists with a bayonet.

Patty Murray (WA): didn’t vote. Sen. Murray learned while growing up near Seattle that voting was a sellout move. Patty had to keep her street cred.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

you liberal punk. you want to ruen amereca with your comments. its peeple like you that will make the terrorist scum hate us and make us lose the war. and get atakked

Pants Wearer said...

Wow. Just...wow. Great post, anonymous sir. I am in awe. Your words deserve credit. Don't hide that genius! Let me praise it in your true name!