Wednesday, September 5, 2007

And now...Fred Dalton Thompson!

Tonight Senator Fred Thompson makes his candidacy for President official. I had an opportunity today to sit down with the Tennessee gentleman and ask him some serious questions.

So it’s official, then: you’re running for President.
Well, I guess it beats dousing yourself in rum and lighting up a Cohiba.
You sure about that? I mean, it can get pretty vicious. Now that you’ve officially entered the race, can you say exactly what concerned you most about immersing yourself in the campaign process?
This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it.
See? That’s exactly why I refuse to run, despite the persistent encouragement from Wife to “get the fuck out of my apartment!” The reference to campaigning is implied, obviously.

First, I’d like to get your perspective on some of the pressing issues of our day. What’s your position on gay marriage?
If you two wanna turn yourselves into a greasy spot out on a country road somewhere, go right ahead. I don't give a shit and I don't think anybody else does, but you two monkeys are not going to do it on my racetrack.
Aside for referring to my partner Jorge and I as monkeys, that’s surprisingly reasonable. Jorge, you are a hairy beast, aren’t you, my little love monkey! Your campaign manager says that, while you can wile away the hours with your Erector set, what you really enjoy is playing with your Etch-A-Sketch.
Hopefully, we can build bridges, but we also have to draw lines.

How about showing some love for the Lite-Brite? It was the only light source I had growing up – my hippy parents thought the regular lamps, with their standard white bulbs were too racist, and black light was too trippy. It was a fair compromise, I think. Your promotional materials attribute your legendarily deliberate defecation policies to your Siberian heritage. I really have two questions here: 1) Who has a “deliberate defecation policy?” And 2) What exactly does pooping have to do with Mother Russia?
Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan.
I suppose we all have our ways of honoring our respective heritages. The most pressing issue these days is the War of Terror. One objective in which your predecessor failed miserably was catching Osama Bin Laden. Despite repeated and seemingly half-assed attempts to locate and capture him, he’s still at large. Rumor has it you two were roommates in college. Why is he such a fuckhead?
Summer of his third year, he and his squad went down in a chopper accident in the Med. Bad - pilot, crew killed. That kid spent ten months in traction, another year learning to walk again. Did his fourth year from the hospital. Now it's up to you, Charlie, but you might consider cuttin' the kid a little slack.
I guess that’s fair. Plus, it’s easier to let his actions slide knowing we already smoked the true mastermind behind Sept. 11 – Sodamn Insane! Hell’s yeah, bitches! WOOOOOO!

Now I’d like to turn to more personal questions, so any potential voters can get a sense of what you’re really like, behind those massive, sweaty jowls. Seriously, do you want a towel, or something?
Is there any truth to the rumor that you were investigated for killing panhandlers with your massive bear-like paws?

Sometimes the good you do won't do you any good
Fair enough. Looks like you and Giuliani come out about even on that score. Watch out Rudy, all he has to do is publicly dump his wife, and he’s got you all wrapped up! Speaking of scummy New York – what’s your favorite sexual technique?
You ever heard of a "Japanese Inspection?"
That’s a new one on me.
You see, when the Japs take in a load of lettuce –
Senator, that won’t go anywhere pleasant. I’m not going to subject my readers to that sort of smut; let’s move on. I hear from Roy, your mailman, that your wife can perform the fabled “Chinese ping pong ball explosion!” trick. Can my friend Gary Pritchard and I come by and check it out?
You can forget about Pritchard. He's homosexual.
That doesn’t mean he won’t enjoy it. Are you sure, though? Gary? But he’s happily married! 3 kids! Huh. I'll be damned.
So will he, if you believe the Old Testament.

So you’re a Creationist, then? Interesting. Well, thanks for being so patient during this interview. I have to admit, this was the first time I’ve ever spoken with a presidential candidate, outside of Chris Dodd propositioning me behind a 7/11. How did I do?
There's a lot more to competence than a law degree and a modicum of courtroom skill.

Ouch. Even Dodd gave me an A for effort. Well, I appreciate your honesty. Also, I was wondering, and…you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I’m trying to improve my hosting skills, and, well…what do you think of my veggie platter?
You can't have all carrots and no sticks.
More celery, huh? Good tip.

Thanks to and for supplying genuine words from Sen. Thompson. I’m sure he meant every word.

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