And America goes 3 for 3 this week, and No Fear Players of the Week

I've long given up on the United States Executive branch. Sure, Scott McLellan comes out with his memoir, and that's important. But it changes nothing. So for the past few months I've been ignoring the President and his puppeteer Cheney.

But I still held out hope for the other two governmental branches. After all, Congress is Democratic, and that counts for something, right? And the Supreme Court, well sometimes Justice Kennedy is a liberal, so hooray for that!

And then Congress gives the telecom companies a gigantic blowjob, and on the same day that they get the death penalty right, The Supremes go Dick Cheney on the Alaskan ecosystem.



I can swallow the cave-in by Congress. The Democrats are used to giving in, so this was more of a habit than anything else. Plus it has the added advantage of looking tough on terror in an election year, so hooorah. Hell, it even prompted Saint Obama to vote in favor of immunity. But the Supreme Court? It was Justice Kennedy's week to be a liberal! Ginsberg was fixin' for a fight! Souter got to stay up past 9! But no. Instead they gave away $2 billion that was due Alaska. Whatever, it's not like there were pictures, right? Wait a minute...















On the flip side, this does give us cause to celebrate our No Fear Players of the Week. Sens. Chris Dodd, Rusty Feingold (Wisconsin, Heyo!) and Barbie Boxer. I'm not going to give it up for the liberal Supremes, partially because Diana Ross still won't take them back as her backups, and also because David Souter still lives with his mother, so he cannot, by definition, be a No Fear Player. Ever.

The supposedly Democratic Senate has rolled over and offered itself up for abuse by the Bush administration too many times to count, and it's getting a little nauseous in here. So kudos to the actual Senate Democrats - Boxer, Feingold and Dodd - for having the stones to vote their party's platform. The rest of you spineless power whores can kiss my ass.

Rollo Horschmeier - the Urbans are coming!

Good fellow citizens in capitalism,

There is a phenomenon that, until now, I have been able to ignore. What happened over the weekend in South Carolina is but the most recent example of a certain kind of individual gaining prominence in our good land. As a staunch supporter of small town squares, neighborhoods in which one may sound out one's children with sparklers and a slingshot and not have to worry whether anyone might put out an eye, and of course cotton candy, these Urbanites threaten everything that is good and right in this country. 

If you have not encountered these gritty, citified masses, then you have not had to deal with their coarse manner, their off-putting commitment to being different, both in appearance and philosophy. Consider some of their more disturbing character traits:

 - Their music is often driven, nay, possessed, by carnal rhythms, and chanted in tribal formulae that hypnotize naive women and cause them to perform garish gyrations. Nowhere may be heard a banjo, or even a ukulele. 

 - Their manner of dress is sloppy, and unoriginal. Our sporting shirts and khaki trousers have been transmogrified into baggy wastes of cloth. Alternatively, they may dress in suits that are too short, too tight, revealing all manner of private sinuosities. Soon no doubt we shall see some Urbanite wearing some horribly mangled priestly vestments, designed only to shock and titillate. 

 - They have an unnatural preference for public transportation. Who doesn't prefer the quiet moments behind the wheel of one's own automobile, free from the smells and pressures of other people's filthy bodies? One might be inclined to suggest the taxicab as a happy compromise between the Urbanites and the rest of us good Americans, but again, there is the stench of foreign breath, and unknown spices and flavors. Disgusting.

Obviously there are the standard aversions to hard work, self-determination, and ponies, but these need not be repeated. Simply put, the Urbanites want to be paid by the government to wear their baggy or tight clothes, play their basso profundo music, and take their trains to smoky clubs where seditious plots and revolutions are fomented. It is incumbent upon us, then, to push back with our pure, snowy might, and vote against the insurgents. As a proper corporate citizen, my vote can only be fore Governor Romney, in all his robotic glory. Programmed for right, with that dreamy grin and perfect hair, Mitt is my man. And he's also the man for our kind of America. A non-Urban America. 

To the booths, ladies and gentlemen, and then on to the malls, and the big box retailers, and to Wal-Mart! Onward, corporate soldiers!

A Glorious Day for Uniflexicom and its Message!

Consumers,

Today is a magnificent day here at Uniflexicom. The Board of Directors and I have declared October 18, 2007 to be “Free Speech Day,” and as I write this our 55,000 family-members/employees are exercising their freedom to wearing the t-shirts Marketing crafted for this new corporate holiday: “Uniflexicom: One Spirit, One Voice, One Mind!”

First, a special thanks to Friend of the Family John Rockefeller, Democratic Senator from the great state of West Virginia. As the Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, he has worked tirelessly with Teletap, our telecom subsidiary, to ensure that they can continue contributing their facilities to stamping out domestic terror threats, as the enemy extends its grubby digits into our borders. Senator Rockefeller was especially kind in protecting us from frivolous lawsuits, filed by terrorist sympathizers and left-wing extremists. Without you, Senator, the Teletap security department would be decommissioned. On behalf of those workers and their families, I say kudos!

For too long Two Tongues Media, Uniflexicom’s communication branch has had to deal with the obfuscation of its message. Certainly, with 150 local and national television stations, and 200 print media outlets, TTM is able to get is carefully crafted releases past the muckraking, scandal-hungry talking heads to you, our devoted customers. But sometimes those polished, carefully worded communications are muddied by trumped-up claims and statistics, or preposterous stories of corruption. But Kevin Martin – who may grill a great kobe steak, but can’t hit a sand wedge to save his life – is taking the bull by the horns. Kevin is standing up to the big-government special interests, and working hard to protect our interests, and those of our shareholders. Don’t you want the convenience, the comfort of knowing that if you miss a story in your local paper, that you’ll get to hear about it in your car on your way to work? And if you take the train, that the same story will appear on the evening news, with the same facts you read that morning over breakfast? What a tremendous improvement that would be over the current system, where one paper says one thing, and then you hear some guy on the radio who says something totally different, and you don’t know who to believe. With the FCC on our side, Uniflexicom will fix that situation, and you too, will be able to wear your new t-shirt proudly: “Uniflexicom: One Spirit, One Voice, One Mind!”