Rollo Horschmeier - the Urbans are coming!

Good fellow citizens in capitalism,

There is a phenomenon that, until now, I have been able to ignore. What happened over the weekend in South Carolina is but the most recent example of a certain kind of individual gaining prominence in our good land. As a staunch supporter of small town squares, neighborhoods in which one may sound out one's children with sparklers and a slingshot and not have to worry whether anyone might put out an eye, and of course cotton candy, these Urbanites threaten everything that is good and right in this country. 

If you have not encountered these gritty, citified masses, then you have not had to deal with their coarse manner, their off-putting commitment to being different, both in appearance and philosophy. Consider some of their more disturbing character traits:

 - Their music is often driven, nay, possessed, by carnal rhythms, and chanted in tribal formulae that hypnotize naive women and cause them to perform garish gyrations. Nowhere may be heard a banjo, or even a ukulele. 

 - Their manner of dress is sloppy, and unoriginal. Our sporting shirts and khaki trousers have been transmogrified into baggy wastes of cloth. Alternatively, they may dress in suits that are too short, too tight, revealing all manner of private sinuosities. Soon no doubt we shall see some Urbanite wearing some horribly mangled priestly vestments, designed only to shock and titillate. 

 - They have an unnatural preference for public transportation. Who doesn't prefer the quiet moments behind the wheel of one's own automobile, free from the smells and pressures of other people's filthy bodies? One might be inclined to suggest the taxicab as a happy compromise between the Urbanites and the rest of us good Americans, but again, there is the stench of foreign breath, and unknown spices and flavors. Disgusting.

Obviously there are the standard aversions to hard work, self-determination, and ponies, but these need not be repeated. Simply put, the Urbanites want to be paid by the government to wear their baggy or tight clothes, play their basso profundo music, and take their trains to smoky clubs where seditious plots and revolutions are fomented. It is incumbent upon us, then, to push back with our pure, snowy might, and vote against the insurgents. As a proper corporate citizen, my vote can only be fore Governor Romney, in all his robotic glory. Programmed for right, with that dreamy grin and perfect hair, Mitt is my man. And he's also the man for our kind of America. A non-Urban America. 

To the booths, ladies and gentlemen, and then on to the malls, and the big box retailers, and to Wal-Mart! Onward, corporate soldiers!

A Glorious Day for Uniflexicom and its Message!

Consumers,

Today is a magnificent day here at Uniflexicom. The Board of Directors and I have declared October 18, 2007 to be “Free Speech Day,” and as I write this our 55,000 family-members/employees are exercising their freedom to wearing the t-shirts Marketing crafted for this new corporate holiday: “Uniflexicom: One Spirit, One Voice, One Mind!”

First, a special thanks to Friend of the Family John Rockefeller, Democratic Senator from the great state of West Virginia. As the Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, he has worked tirelessly with Teletap, our telecom subsidiary, to ensure that they can continue contributing their facilities to stamping out domestic terror threats, as the enemy extends its grubby digits into our borders. Senator Rockefeller was especially kind in protecting us from frivolous lawsuits, filed by terrorist sympathizers and left-wing extremists. Without you, Senator, the Teletap security department would be decommissioned. On behalf of those workers and their families, I say kudos!

For too long Two Tongues Media, Uniflexicom’s communication branch has had to deal with the obfuscation of its message. Certainly, with 150 local and national television stations, and 200 print media outlets, TTM is able to get is carefully crafted releases past the muckraking, scandal-hungry talking heads to you, our devoted customers. But sometimes those polished, carefully worded communications are muddied by trumped-up claims and statistics, or preposterous stories of corruption. But Kevin Martin – who may grill a great kobe steak, but can’t hit a sand wedge to save his life – is taking the bull by the horns. Kevin is standing up to the big-government special interests, and working hard to protect our interests, and those of our shareholders. Don’t you want the convenience, the comfort of knowing that if you miss a story in your local paper, that you’ll get to hear about it in your car on your way to work? And if you take the train, that the same story will appear on the evening news, with the same facts you read that morning over breakfast? What a tremendous improvement that would be over the current system, where one paper says one thing, and then you hear some guy on the radio who says something totally different, and you don’t know who to believe. With the FCC on our side, Uniflexicom will fix that situation, and you too, will be able to wear your new t-shirt proudly: “Uniflexicom: One Spirit, One Voice, One Mind!”

Again, Mr. Rollo Horschmeier

To reclaim a line from that Pinko Bob Dylan, Dear mothers and fathers, throughout the land,

Yesterday, in respect for the fallen of September 11, I proclaimed freedom from fear, so that you would all feel liberated to participate in America’s greatest pastime, that of capitalism. And hopefully you listened. Because today, my message to you is much, much darker.

Certainly, our military might is unmatched, and verily we shall strike down the godless cowardly infidels. But they cannot fight terror everywhere. Every day terror grows stronger, inching its way across continents and seas toward your very homes. It can pop up at any time, in any place – at your office, your local library, even your little ones’ elementary school. These bastards don’t have the common decency to focus their satanic fury on military objectives: their goals are to reach into your suburban complacency and rip out your still-beating American heart. Those panty-waists on Capitol Hill refuse to acknowledge the brutal efficacy of profiling, but it may already be too late. Terrorists have made significant inroads to our youth, and now anyone could be the next Mohammad Atta, the next Jose Padilla. Do you want that? Are you willing to say, as those liberal elitists do, that “I have no problem seeing the limbs of a dismembered infant laying on the hard concrete, so long as no one affects my right to buy pornos and proclaim my love of Communism in church, where I go even though I don’t really believe in anything.” If you’re like that, well, I can’t legally have you imprisoned, but I can recommend that your phone be tapped, although in all likelihood the NSA is two steps ahead anyway.

You may feel helpless. And that’s ok – panic is often the mother of decisiveness, although it can also occasionally be the father of paralyzed horror. Uniflexicom is here to help. At UFTV we offer 24-hour coverage of disasters, war coverage, and local criminal activity, so you know in exactly which ways the world you love and understand is going to hellfire and brimstone in a pretty wicker basket. At our Uni-Superstores you can stock up with all your emergency needs, from pepper spray to dirty bomb shelters. Sign up for our online updates for a low monthly fee, and we’ll provide you the names and locations of every registered sex offender within a 350-mile radius from your home. Join our Uniflexi-Heroes program, and we’ll train you and your family to recognize, detain, and interrogate questionable individuals.

Freedom is not free. Like breathing, you need to spend money to survive, and to insure the survival of your family and friends, and your way of life. Because if terror wins, it won’t be because we weren’t able to beat it; it will be because there were too many people who said “it costs too much, we should just keep saving.” You know who hoards their money, and doesn’t ever spend it? Pirates.

A Solemn Message from Rollo Horschmeier

Men, women, mothers, fathers, little boys and girls with your slingshots and ponytails, today we commemorate a dark day in this nation's history. Our way of life, our very essence, was threatened by pure evil, embodied in 19 men. Symbols of this great land were rent asunder, monuments to achievements that will never be forgotten.

But we have bounced back. No damn dirty terrorist will get us down, not in THIS country! After terror walked up to us as we daydreamed in the park and spit in our eye, we said "Thank you, no! I shall not be laid low by scoundrels and ragamuffins!" We maintained our commitment to those principles that birthed this glorious country, and from where I sit, high above Manhattan in a gleaming tower of steel and glass built with the callused hands of immigrants, legal and "miscellaneous," I say to you that we must stand together. We must remain united in our goals and in our morals! One nation under Jesus H, Christ!

This morning, as little blind Evgeni shined my shoes with the tattered remains of his good Sunday shirt, he asked me "Mr. Horschmeier, maybe today a tip?" After he repeated the question three or four times I noticed he was talking to me, and before I could reach my mahogany cane to rap him about the face and ribs, I paused, and looked deep into his empty eye sockets. And what I said to him I repeat to you, so you shall know best how to commemorate this dark day, this 9/11:

Son(s and daughters), this is my tip for you: serve your country. For some, the best way to do so is in the military, fighting bearded swarthy terror overseas. But if you've gone to college, or haven't yet been to prison, then you have other options. And the most effective of those is simply this: consume. Terrorism thrives on attention and fear - how can you be focusing on Ahmed Al-Jazeera if you're trying to pick out a new blouse? Here at Uniflexicom, Inc., we have thousands of products for the American household, from What-ectomy? surgery kits for your precocious toddler to Zapp!-Mark 3 semi-automatic rifles with night-vision scope and silencer, the perfect Father's Day gift. We've got all the right gifts for your and your family, so you can continue ignoring the so-called "fiasco" overseas. It's far away, and complicated. You know what's simple? Matching a home stereo to your new flat-screen TV! Awesome! So enjoy our 9/11 sale, our biggest until Memorial Day comes around. Because you know what Osama Bin Laden truly despises? A good deal.

A message from Rollo Horschmeier, CEO, Uniflexicom, Inc.

All this talk of universal health care, affirmative action, and whatnot fills me with the bloating discomfort that comes with the rise of Communism. Zombie Stalin has been roused from his great mortal slumber, so he may walk freely in the halls of our HMOs, our churches, our foyers, tracking dirt and decayed organs everywhere.

I say NO! We shall not surrender to some dead Russian who can’t even speak English. We’re American – the only ruler before which we bow is an unscrupulous oil-rich Mideast tyrant who is still willing to sell us petroleum while keeping quiet with the whole oppression thing. So unless the king of Saudi Arabia comes waltzing in here, we’re standing tall.

45 million uninsured? Get a job, sickies! Stop coughing on my car, I just washed it. Eternally escalating drug costs? Ever hear of the black market? Be proactive! Contributing to the illicit transfer of necessary medications helps us market the war on drugs, another successful capitalist project. We’re pretty well inured to images of little minority kids all hopped up on goofballs; but show me a granny strung out on blood thinners, and we’ve got a new ad campaign! I can see it now: little old lady with a frying pan, feebly wailing away at her kitchen appliances. “This is your brain on nitro-glycerin. This is your brain on Cumiden.”

You’d rather have the government running things? A bunch of old white guys who’ve never had to do a minute of real work in their lives? They don’t know what’s best for this country. Leave it to us, your neighborhood international conglomerates. We know what you want; our commercials explain it quite clearly. The other CEO’s and I, distinguished men all, can trace our roots back to the very first colonies of Jamestown and Plymouth, where commerce was conducted over slaves and smallpox. Your expendable income has elected us to rule over your purchases, and when has money ever misled you? You want to hand over your lives to a bunch of overprivileged pansies? Don’t give the politicians the satisfaction. Let Uniflexicom take care of you. And don’t worry about healthcare, or immigration, or terrorists. If there’s something you should buy to keep you safe from these ephemeral dangers, we’ll let you know with easy-to-understand, sexy commercials.