Enough already with the gnashing of teeth

I'm pretty clear where I stand on baseball - far away. It's the only sport that's been improved by ESPN's commitment to the Holy Highlight Reel, because everything that is not a Web Gem or a Goliath-ic home run is boring as hell. More than any other sport its history is defined by cheating, gambling, racism, drugs, and the persistent popularity of chewing tobacco.

Which is all fine, by the way. It's a sport, not a religion, and these people - owners, players, what have you - have been trained that they are above the law, and as fans we'll continue to look the other way as they rape, pillage, embezzle and sometimes murder their way through polite society.

Let me be clear - I have no problem with this.

What I do have a problem with is people like Howard Bryant. Howard is shocked! that Sammy Sosa lied about using steroids. And he's furious at...someone. Obviously at Sosa, but not just for lying and cheating - you see, it's Sammy Sosa's (and others like him) fault that steroids ruined baseball. Because we should rely on some man-children who never finished high school to make sound moral judgments in the absence of clear guidance from any sort of rule book.

Baseball's problem - aside for being an excellent sleep aid for insomniacs, and a fantasy for overweight lefties who are convinced they could have been professional athletes - is not its players, who do everything possible to be great, including break the arbitrary and randomly enforced rules imposed by society and the game. The real issue is that people like Howard Bryant expect it to be different somehow than the way it's been for over 100 years.

What I enjoy most about Bryant's hissy fit is its hypocrisy. If you want, you can play along, using SNL's "Really?!? With Seth & Amy."



Really? Sports journalists are upset at being lied to? About steroid use in baseball? Really? How many wrote bestsellers about the home run race between Sosa and McGwire? How many saw their readership expand because of baseball's return to popularity. And really? Not a single journalist thought to ask why Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs after not being able to lift a big boy bat the year before?

And journalists? Really? Shouldn't we be blaming you for the steroid mess? Isn't there something about truth and facts being an important part of reporting, um, truth and facts?

So I'm blaming Howard Bryant for the steroid issue. It's just as convenient as blaming Sammy Sosa, and I bet Howard Bryant even went to college.

(Political correctness note - I'm not saying Sammy Sosa is stupid. I'm saying that he didn't attend a university, because he was drafted out of whatever the Dominican Republic equivalent is of high school. And I'm making no comment whatsoever on Sammy Sosa looking kinda dumb, with the gigantic ears, and the goofy smile.)

Is it...is it over?

24 hours from now I will be drunk. It will either be a wonderful, champagne-bath-style drunkenness, or a miserable "dammit 4 more years of white people" drunkenness. Either way, I love beer.

2 years! We've been reading about these two men for 24 months, 104 weeks. And it's only been a couple of months with Governor Yokel, but it's seemed like decades. I can't even handle Tina Fey's impression of her anymore, I want to smack both of them.

I'm not going to link to any of the recent articles. I'm not going to refer to time spent as a community organizer, or a POW. I'm not going to talk about reverends, or Alaskan secession, or plagiarizing British parliamentarians of the 1980's.

All I'm going to say is that you should vote tomorrow. But I'm not going to get all mushy and "hooray for the process!" like the fifteen e-mails I got today from people who are just trying to be up for democracy.

If you're going to vote for John McCain, curl up with your favorite Matlock rerun, and stay the fuck home.

Like I said before, I'm not rehashing the reasons you should vote for Obama. If you don't know them already, then you're either a hermit or opening up the newest KKK chapter in your area (franchising is a wonderful way to support your community, folks!). And if someone asks you who you voted for, it is not in fact private. Shouldn't you be proud of your vote? Shout it from the rooftops! Own it! If you're afraid of change or black people or someone who's smarter and more charismatic than you, just say so. Or if you hate old people and Vietnam veterans and soldiers in general, and think Jeremiah Wright was criticized just because he was speaking truth to power, then you should be proud of that, too.

Either way, vote for Barack Obama. You know you should.

Oh, and the Bears beat the Lions. Shocker. Even without the Neckbeard, and with the Sex Cannon leading the charge, it was still Matt Forte carrying us all home in his warm embrace. What a man.

Programming note: I wanted to liveblog tomorrow night, but it turns out I have friends and am going to watch the returns with them. I'll try to remember each sizzling hilarious detail of the evening, but as mentioned above I shall be trashed, so don't expect Shakespeare. But do expect random appearances by unicorns, Alan Greenspan, and a few former popes. Happy Election Day!

Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me.

Brian Urlacher: Hey, what's goin on?

Me:

Alex Brown: Did you, um, did you watch last night?

Me:

Tommie Harris: You guys, I don't think he's talking to us.

Me: Who's Todd Collins?

Urlacher: I don't know that name. I don't know who you're talking about.

Harris: Yeah, that sound like some accountant, or something

Me: Don't lie to me, you pricks. You remember getting plowed like a choirboy last night? Does that ring a bell? Some "accountant" bending you over his knee in front of 80,000 fans, and opening you up wider than Wacker Drive? Is it starting to come back to you?

Brown: It wasn't totally our fault. I mean, Griese had 4th and goal with 7 minutes left, down 7. The field goal wasn't our call.

Me: At this point, the offense spends entire games with its collective head between its ankles. But you guys...I just thought you were better than that. 24 points to the Redskins? To TODD COLLINS? I swore he was taking my order at Dunkin Donuts on Tuesday, and Thursday night he's tearing out your rectum in ways that - I mean, thank god it was on the NFL Network where no one could see it, because children should be prevented from seeing that game. Now get out. Go away, I have to decide whether I still want you in my life this year. I am seriously considering packing it in, and switching over to basketball, because you have hurt me. I feel betrayed, and let down, and I just...Brian, I never expected this from you, of all people. Go, just...just go.

Again, Mr. Rollo Horschmeier

To reclaim a line from that Pinko Bob Dylan, Dear mothers and fathers, throughout the land,

Yesterday, in respect for the fallen of September 11, I proclaimed freedom from fear, so that you would all feel liberated to participate in America’s greatest pastime, that of capitalism. And hopefully you listened. Because today, my message to you is much, much darker.

Certainly, our military might is unmatched, and verily we shall strike down the godless cowardly infidels. But they cannot fight terror everywhere. Every day terror grows stronger, inching its way across continents and seas toward your very homes. It can pop up at any time, in any place – at your office, your local library, even your little ones’ elementary school. These bastards don’t have the common decency to focus their satanic fury on military objectives: their goals are to reach into your suburban complacency and rip out your still-beating American heart. Those panty-waists on Capitol Hill refuse to acknowledge the brutal efficacy of profiling, but it may already be too late. Terrorists have made significant inroads to our youth, and now anyone could be the next Mohammad Atta, the next Jose Padilla. Do you want that? Are you willing to say, as those liberal elitists do, that “I have no problem seeing the limbs of a dismembered infant laying on the hard concrete, so long as no one affects my right to buy pornos and proclaim my love of Communism in church, where I go even though I don’t really believe in anything.” If you’re like that, well, I can’t legally have you imprisoned, but I can recommend that your phone be tapped, although in all likelihood the NSA is two steps ahead anyway.

You may feel helpless. And that’s ok – panic is often the mother of decisiveness, although it can also occasionally be the father of paralyzed horror. Uniflexicom is here to help. At UFTV we offer 24-hour coverage of disasters, war coverage, and local criminal activity, so you know in exactly which ways the world you love and understand is going to hellfire and brimstone in a pretty wicker basket. At our Uni-Superstores you can stock up with all your emergency needs, from pepper spray to dirty bomb shelters. Sign up for our online updates for a low monthly fee, and we’ll provide you the names and locations of every registered sex offender within a 350-mile radius from your home. Join our Uniflexi-Heroes program, and we’ll train you and your family to recognize, detain, and interrogate questionable individuals.

Freedom is not free. Like breathing, you need to spend money to survive, and to insure the survival of your family and friends, and your way of life. Because if terror wins, it won’t be because we weren’t able to beat it; it will be because there were too many people who said “it costs too much, we should just keep saving.” You know who hoards their money, and doesn’t ever spend it? Pirates.