And America goes 3 for 3 this week, and No Fear Players of the Week

I've long given up on the United States Executive branch. Sure, Scott McLellan comes out with his memoir, and that's important. But it changes nothing. So for the past few months I've been ignoring the President and his puppeteer Cheney.

But I still held out hope for the other two governmental branches. After all, Congress is Democratic, and that counts for something, right? And the Supreme Court, well sometimes Justice Kennedy is a liberal, so hooray for that!

And then Congress gives the telecom companies a gigantic blowjob, and on the same day that they get the death penalty right, The Supremes go Dick Cheney on the Alaskan ecosystem.



I can swallow the cave-in by Congress. The Democrats are used to giving in, so this was more of a habit than anything else. Plus it has the added advantage of looking tough on terror in an election year, so hooorah. Hell, it even prompted Saint Obama to vote in favor of immunity. But the Supreme Court? It was Justice Kennedy's week to be a liberal! Ginsberg was fixin' for a fight! Souter got to stay up past 9! But no. Instead they gave away $2 billion that was due Alaska. Whatever, it's not like there were pictures, right? Wait a minute...















On the flip side, this does give us cause to celebrate our No Fear Players of the Week. Sens. Chris Dodd, Rusty Feingold (Wisconsin, Heyo!) and Barbie Boxer. I'm not going to give it up for the liberal Supremes, partially because Diana Ross still won't take them back as her backups, and also because David Souter still lives with his mother, so he cannot, by definition, be a No Fear Player. Ever.

The supposedly Democratic Senate has rolled over and offered itself up for abuse by the Bush administration too many times to count, and it's getting a little nauseous in here. So kudos to the actual Senate Democrats - Boxer, Feingold and Dodd - for having the stones to vote their party's platform. The rest of you spineless power whores can kiss my ass.

Now I'll have even more to confess

Today the Vatican announced that they had come up with some more sins.

I don't know what they mean by "genetic manipulations," or whether "drug use" includes alcohol and smoking, but I had some other suggestions for sinful behavior that might draw some more attention to what is already a supercool, ultrahip religion:

- Insulting the Pope's hat. I'm sure the big guy is sick of having to wear it, and even more annoyed with people calling him "Penis Head" behind his back. Come on, that's not just me, is it?

- Dwarf tossing. Simply to make it more exciting. Adding the extra rush of offending the Lord might really make it take off as a sport.

- Not tipping. Wife insisted I include this, having worked in the service industry and suffered from terrible tipping practices. "It's 20%, or you may as well throw your drink in your waiter's face, because that's what you're doing anyway."

- Double parking. All you New Yorkers are going to hell.

- Witchcraft. I know it's already a sin, but it's a popular one, and Catholics can renew their ongoing feud with the Wiccans. For we Jews, it's always fun watching the Church persecute some other undeserving group. Two religions, both flamboyant and edgy, with heavy emphasis on cloaks and dog collars? This will be so exciting we could sell tickets.

- Marital sex. And yet procreation is still a prominent commandment. Try and unpack that, believers.

- Metaphorical cannibalism. "Blood and body of Christ?" That's wine and crackers, people. It's a wussy copout, and real cannibalism is a new daring way to win back the youths who are always looking for the Xtreme!

- Loud music. Just because you're reaching out to the kids with one hand doesn't mean you shouldn't smack them down with the other. Remember, you're the Catholic Church.

- Going to Mass in jeans. It's just rude. Jesus would so not appreciate it.

- Long hair on men. Admittedly Jesus looks a little too hippy-ish in hundreds of old paintings, but no one is confusing him with some 12-year-old with nicer curls than Salma Hayek. Especially not any priests. Cut them some slack, would ya?

- Wimples. You're married to the Lord, you're not dead. Show off that holy hot bod. Who doesn't love sexy nuns?