Screw you guys, I'm taking my ball and going home

Here are some reasons why Boston blows...

1) Red Sox fans, drunk and sweating on the un-air-conditioned T.

2) The T, summer, fall, spring or winter, it always sucks.

3) A 3-bedroom house costs, literally, 14.8 billion dollars. Inflation's a bitch.

4) College students, and their rock music, and loose lifestyles.

5) The Charles River. I suppose I should have some allegiance to it, but screw that noise. It's inconveniently located, and smelly, and cold. 

6) Frappes. It's a milkshake, you freaks! You are not French!

7) The accent. Not the accent itself, which I actually enjoy. I'm more aggravated by all the crappy imitations. For me, it's the original, or nothing. That's why I hate people who cover Britney Spears; no one else can do her justice.

8) Northeastern liberalism, Southern segregation. The city is like a Dalmatian: a black spot in a sea of white leftist guilt. 

9) Somerville, little annoying brother to know-it-all Cambridge. "Ooh! Ooh! Cambridge, check it out! We hate Israel too! Look! Just because we don't have Harvard or MIT, we're still cool, right? Can we come hang out with you and the South End? We've got those cool girl jeans, and hoodies, and everything!"

10) Beacon Hill. Not much of a hill, really, is it. Pompous pricks.

11) Hey, we have inadequate public transportation, we fight parking garage construction because we like our city to be pretty, not functional...let's make it illegal to park on the street! Yeah! That way, we get to ticket cars for pretty much anything!

12) The Commons is actually, get this, a park. But don't call it that, because that would be what normal cities do.

12)  I just...I just thought we had something. We had good times, right, Boston? Remember that one time, in the Commons? We had a bottle of wine, and watched the sunset, and talked about our feelings. Didn't you enjoy that? I just feel like, you know, we've been drifting apart. You never tell me what you're thinking about, or how your day is...maybe it's time we went our separate ways. 

So... goodbye. The Fancy Pants are packing it in, and moving to another town. One with...other...things...for...people. So, yeah. Bye.