Monday, October 15, 2007

Devin Hester, Blazing Arrow (wasted)

Ahh, that’s better. A game where Hester scores twice, and we still lose. I’m back in familiar territory.

By now you’ve all seen the highlights, and read this, or maybe some recap on ESPN. Sure, Devin Hester was his usual magnificent self, and has finally been use on offense after spending weeks lining up as a decoy. But Adrian Peterson…good lord. Sure, I could blame the defense for forgetting how to tackle. But that would presume that the scrubs starting for all the injured starters hadn’t been bagging groceries at Osco the week before (let’s see Kurt Warner tackle Peterson).

Also, just a reminder, Cedric Benson: The guy we dumped for you, one Thomas Jones, ran for 130 yards against Philly this week. I’m not into issuing ultimatums, but if you don’t break three digits against the same defense next Sunday, I’m going to sneak into your house and kidnap your favorite stuffed animal. No, not Giggles, the Superfuzzy Seacow; I’m heading right for Prince Marmaduke Feistyboots. And that cute, cuddly orangutan will remain in my possession until we either trade your worthless ass, or you retire.

Maybe this is the week Bruce Babich learns that overpursuit sometimes leads to big runs off cutbacks. But this is real life, not a special episode of Two and a Half Men, so the only thing Babich will probably take from the game is that Adrian Peterson has a terrific ass. Which is really all the defense will be able to report, given that they pretty much only saw him from behind.

At some point Lovie might figure out that Griese isn’t any better than the Sex Cannon. When that happens the Bears will get the quarterback they really deserve, Captain Neckbeard, Kyle Orton. The only question will be which position they’ll fill with their high draft pick, running back or QB? I’m guessing cornerback.

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