Men, women, mothers, fathers, little boys and girls with your slingshots and ponytails, today we commemorate a dark day in this nation's history. Our way of life, our very essence, was threatened by pure evil, embodied in 19 men. Symbols of this great land were rent asunder, monuments to achievements that will never be forgotten.
But we have bounced back. No damn dirty terrorist will get us down, not in THIS country! After terror walked up to us as we daydreamed in the park and spit in our eye, we said "Thank you, no! I shall not be laid low by scoundrels and ragamuffins!" We maintained our commitment to those principles that birthed this glorious country, and from where I sit, high above Manhattan in a gleaming tower of steel and glass built with the callused hands of immigrants, legal and "miscellaneous," I say to you that we must stand together. We must remain united in our goals and in our morals! One nation under Jesus H, Christ!
This morning, as little blind Evgeni shined my shoes with the tattered remains of his good Sunday shirt, he asked me "Mr. Horschmeier, maybe today a tip?" After he repeated the question three or four times I noticed he was talking to me, and before I could reach my mahogany cane to rap him about the face and ribs, I paused, and looked deep into his empty eye sockets. And what I said to him I repeat to you, so you shall know best how to commemorate this dark day, this 9/11:
Son(s and daughters), this is my tip for you: serve your country. For some, the best way to do so is in the military, fighting bearded swarthy terror overseas. But if you've gone to college, or haven't yet been to prison, then you have other options. And the most effective of those is simply this: consume. Terrorism thrives on attention and fear - how can you be focusing on Ahmed Al-Jazeera if you're trying to pick out a new blouse? Here at Uniflexicom, Inc., we have thousands of products for the American household, from What-ectomy? surgery kits for your precocious toddler to Zapp!-Mark 3 semi-automatic rifles with night-vision scope and silencer, the perfect Father's Day gift. We've got all the right gifts for your and your family, so you can continue ignoring the so-called "fiasco" overseas. It's far away, and complicated. You know what's simple? Matching a home stereo to your new flat-screen TV! Awesome! So enjoy our 9/11 sale, our biggest until Memorial Day comes around. Because you know what Osama Bin Laden truly despises? A good deal.