Monday, September 10, 2007

This year I'm breaking down the Bears games, because I was too lazy to blog last year, when it really would have been fun.

First, I'd like to thank Bruce Babich for showing some stones and letting the D rush Rivers. If the other half of the team had taken time out of their busy schedule of sucking and fondling infants, perhaps San Diego wouldn't have walked off with an ugly, but foreordained win. The only quibble I have is the LT-to-Gates TD. That caught you off guard? Really? The pass from the running back who wasn't running very well, to the tight end who slept with Urlacher's mom and never called her again? That's a shocker.

I'd also like to thank Mike Brown's body, which, aside for the Sex Cannon's useless brick of a head, is really the only reason to doubt a return to the Super Bowl. What was that, Eagles fans? Your team can come back and play the "no respect" card when your boys remember to call a fair catch once in a while. Until then, we're the goddamn defending NFC champs, so shut it.

Bernard Berrian - run the route you're assigned, you short-bus-riding freakshow.

Sexy Rexy - I will never doubt your ability to get all of the ladies in the area pregnant. But I will doubt your ability to transfer the ball through the air to players on your own team. Knute Rockne called it the forward pass. Perhaps some of those newfangled doodads in the direction of the end zone, toward where one of your receivers is running? Just a thought.

Adam Archuleta - welcome. You're not worthy, but it's up to you to make up for Mike Brown's absence. That means guarding players like Antonio Gates, who piles up a bunch of undersized white safeties on his plate, uses them to sop up some syrup, and eats them for breakfast.

Tommie Harris - if you'd like, I'll bear your children. Just don't think you'll get to shoot through the neutral zone, getting to the ball before the quarterback, before any more snaps. Fumbles are great, penalties worthy of a strong punch to the kidney. It's my kangaroo court, and I'll hand out judgments as I see fit.

No comments: