Again, Mr. Rollo Horschmeier

To reclaim a line from that Pinko Bob Dylan, Dear mothers and fathers, throughout the land,

Yesterday, in respect for the fallen of September 11, I proclaimed freedom from fear, so that you would all feel liberated to participate in America’s greatest pastime, that of capitalism. And hopefully you listened. Because today, my message to you is much, much darker.

Certainly, our military might is unmatched, and verily we shall strike down the godless cowardly infidels. But they cannot fight terror everywhere. Every day terror grows stronger, inching its way across continents and seas toward your very homes. It can pop up at any time, in any place – at your office, your local library, even your little ones’ elementary school. These bastards don’t have the common decency to focus their satanic fury on military objectives: their goals are to reach into your suburban complacency and rip out your still-beating American heart. Those panty-waists on Capitol Hill refuse to acknowledge the brutal efficacy of profiling, but it may already be too late. Terrorists have made significant inroads to our youth, and now anyone could be the next Mohammad Atta, the next Jose Padilla. Do you want that? Are you willing to say, as those liberal elitists do, that “I have no problem seeing the limbs of a dismembered infant laying on the hard concrete, so long as no one affects my right to buy pornos and proclaim my love of Communism in church, where I go even though I don’t really believe in anything.” If you’re like that, well, I can’t legally have you imprisoned, but I can recommend that your phone be tapped, although in all likelihood the NSA is two steps ahead anyway.

You may feel helpless. And that’s ok – panic is often the mother of decisiveness, although it can also occasionally be the father of paralyzed horror. Uniflexicom is here to help. At UFTV we offer 24-hour coverage of disasters, war coverage, and local criminal activity, so you know in exactly which ways the world you love and understand is going to hellfire and brimstone in a pretty wicker basket. At our Uni-Superstores you can stock up with all your emergency needs, from pepper spray to dirty bomb shelters. Sign up for our online updates for a low monthly fee, and we’ll provide you the names and locations of every registered sex offender within a 350-mile radius from your home. Join our Uniflexi-Heroes program, and we’ll train you and your family to recognize, detain, and interrogate questionable individuals.

Freedom is not free. Like breathing, you need to spend money to survive, and to insure the survival of your family and friends, and your way of life. Because if terror wins, it won’t be because we weren’t able to beat it; it will be because there were too many people who said “it costs too much, we should just keep saving.” You know who hoards their money, and doesn’t ever spend it? Pirates.