Has it really been three weeks since I've been here? Other than some dust on the furniture, it doesn't look like much has - oh damn, is that cat poop? It's everywhere! Nasty! Bad kitty!
Since I've been gone, the Hebrews were lead out of the land of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, Jesus woke up from his three-day hangover and walked on water that he changed into wine just as the Romans were crossing, drowning them all in zinfandel.
I also got one year older. And if there's one thing I learned in my newly acquired year, it's that blogging is a responsibility, not just a privilege. I also was taught not to accept candy from strangers, and that Child is not a football, not matter how oval-ish he looks when he curls up potato-bug style.
But that's a-ok, because I've found my parenting bible. This British guy is here to teach us all how to be perfect parents, and we need to listen, and devote our lives to his gospel. In just a few short notes, here is the Truth:
a) do nothing.
b) watch your children rule the world.
And there you have it. Read the book and the blog if you like, but like First Citiwide Change Bank, it's really very simple ("how do we make money? Simple: Volume.").
If you're lost in the wilderness, and need more than just parenting advice but a true guide for every aspect of your life, and a means of connecting with the Eternal, I also have an answer for you: Zombie Bible. Even if you're not down with eating the brain and groaning incessantly, this book will change your life, and how you see G-d. So buckle up, and prepare to convert.
And as for presents - because I know you're all curious - I got some great ones. An iPod Touch, which I'm a little afraid of (and that's how I know I'm old), a book, and some ice cream.
I've written about this before, about my completely rational and not at all disturbing fixation on Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter (and if there is a better title for an anally fixated gay porno, I'm glad to read suggestions in the comments). But that was over a year ago, when I lived in Boston, aka the Ice Cream Land of Plenty. Now I live in Pittsburgh, which is a post-apocalyptic wasteland devoid of ice cream options in comparison. When we first moved here I sought out the Brownie Batter via the Pint Locator, a handy and a little stalkerish tool available @ Ben & Jerry's website.
Lo and behold! There was one location, a Circle K, that carried my chocolatey goodness. But it was somewhere I didn't recognize, i.e. out of the two mile radius between my house and my office. I filed the information away, and promptly forgot about it.
But Wife, that magnificent lady o mine, did not. For my birthday, she traveled to this mythic retailer of "convenience," and cleaned them out.
On my 32nd birthday, my true love gave to me...FIVE PINTS OF ICE CREAM.