Thursday, August 23, 2007


There is a cafeteria at Big Box Retailer HQ. It’s set up like any other cafeteria, with a buffet line, heat lamps that turn pizza into cheesy cardboard, specials of the day that are often quite attractive to the eye, if not to the tongue or nose, and a cool kids table in the corner. I try to avoid that particular area ever since they got hold of one of my spreadsheets and started chanting “Pantsy’s numbers don’t balance, he hasn’t any talents!” It turns out the cool kids at BBRHQ are the most pathetic cool kids ever.

On occasion I brave the buffet line, especially for breakfast, when the bagels are doughy, and the apron-ed employees haven’t sunk into their daily existential malaise. At that time of day the toaster most closely resembles an African wadi, where animals of all kinds come to drink water while trying to avoid being eaten by crocodiles. One time I saw this guy from Marketing reach for the butter knife when a huge gnarly croc snapped off his arm at the elbow. It was nasty; blood everywhere, and maintenance had to come and shoot him in the head. There’s really nothing more useless than a one-armed PR guy.

So I’m cutting my bagel in the traditional “slice with one hand, hold in other palm” manner, and the CEO comes over to me and says “no no no, son, you’re going to slice your hand wide open that way! And I don’t need any more worker’s comp claims this month!” He’s smiling, so I’m assuming it’s a joke, although the three lawyers who swoop down and make me sign a “bagel/breakfast digestibles” waiver aren’t laughing.

All of a sudden, next to me appears what I can only assume is a free-range boil from CEO’s ass. “Sir, that was hilarious! I have to say, though, in all seriousness, you have a truly great sense of humor. I really enjoy sitting in meetings with you. I could listen to your jokes for hours.” And then he got down on his hands and knees and offered up his rectum for CEO’s pleasure.

The last part wasn’t completely factual. But the quotes? All 100% accurate. And said with a straight face, completely sincerely. Had I not been so shocked at his audacious ass-kissing, I’d have given him a wedgie right then and there.

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