Don't tell me I don't love America.

Thanksgiving, according to a wise man, is a special night.



It is my favorite holiday. Better than Passover, better than Kwanzaa, better even than Hobo week. And don't tell me that's not a real week, because Google says it is. And if you've never gotten down in August during Hobo week, then you have not lived. But despite all that frivolity and bindle-weaving, Thanksgiving is the best.

Is it the history of brutal oppression of an indigenous people? Maybe. Is it the awful football games? Doubtful. Is it the airing of grievances over heaping piles of white and dark meat, fueled by liquor and stuffing? Bet your ass. Mostly, though, it's the quintessential America-ness of the day.

You can have your 4th of July, your Memorial Day, your Arbor Day. Thanksgiving is the only one that combines gluttony, sloth, greed, wrath, lust, pride and envy. I don't know what it means that I associate America with the seven mortal sins. Could be that I just love Brad Pitt. Or maybe it's that I celebrated this holiest of days by participating in all 7 capital vices.

Gluttony - this is almost too obvious, but to wit: I ate an obscene amount of turkey, fought viciously against Brother A for the stuffing, and inhaled an entire chocolate pie. "Good pie, Ma." Damn skippy it was. And that was before Friday night, where the family dined on raw beef and leftover turkey.

Sloth - so much turkey, so much napping. And as for those terrible football games: did I watch them? Hells yeah. What am I going to do, get off the couch to find the clicker to change the channel? That sounds an awful lot like work, buddy.

Greed - this is the one I'm most embarrassed about. So you know how some malls opened Thursday night at midnight to bring in Black Friday early? And you sat at home wondering how unbelievably avaricious some whackos could be, how addicted they could be to good deals? Yeah, that was me and my family. Ostensibly the idea was to go at night, so we could have fun on Friday. That didn't actually work out, and we ended up going at night and during the day. This led to...

Wrath - wherein I cursed the gods, my own brothers, my wife, my child, capitalism, and the other whackjobs shopping at 3 in the morning, and almost stabbed a poor checkout girl with a cufflink. Plus the sleep deprivation gave me a nice short fuse right up until the holy Sabbath.

Lust - I'm just saying, Thanksgiving does some weird things to your brain. One minute you're staring at the perfectly cooked turkey, all gold and stuffed with stuffing, and then next your shirt is across the kitchen, you've got gravy all over your naked belly, and all the stuffing is gone.
(Note: that came out a lot more disturbing than I thought it would be when I started writing it. And yet...I'm not deleting it. So I guess the lesson is that I have no shame.)

Pride - Carving the turkey is a grand tradition in my family, passed down from my grandfather to me and Brother S. And I have to say, I carved the shit out of that turkey. It was magnificent. There was nothing left but gristle and bone, because I have the hands of a surgeon.

Envy - I'm pretty certain that, in the end, Brother A got more stuffing than I did. And I had to leave all that extra beef in Florida to be consumed by the rest of my family. And Brothers S and Z got some sweet-ass clothes. Should I care? Shouldn't I, who has talked up socialism and disparaged the free market all these months, let it go?

I should. And maybe if I'd been able to eat some more turkey I'd be ok. But you know what? While the rest of the country is gorging on leftovers this week - turkey sandwiches, turkey loaf, turkey burgers, turkey soup, turkey salad, turkey jerky, turkey stew, turkey chips - I've had to subsist on non-turkey roughage. And that's not cool.

My resolution for next year? Ether for the brothers, turkey for me. And lord help Child if he ends up liking dark meat instead of white...

America, F*** Yeah! - RNC, Day 2

I'm switching tonight from CNN to C-Span, because I want to actually hear the speeches. First up - America's Mayor and America's Cross-Dresser, Rudolph Giuliani.

Gee, you think he'll say something about executive experience vs. Washington experience?

I'm just curious how he'll mention 9/11 without mentioning George Bush.

Left wing media? Hollywood celebrities? That's right, this is the GOP. If you don't mention the vast left-wing conspiracy at least once, you have to hang out with Ron Paul. Maybe that's why his convention had more people last night than the actual Republican convention.

It's September. Day 2 of the RNC. Does Rudy really need to tell the obscure story of how John McCain was shot down over Hanoi and tortured? Is there someone in Montana who doesn't know the tale?

Haha! Community organizer. That was good one.

Booooo, machine politics! If you really want to cheat, Democrats, become friends with the guys who make the voting machines (that would be Diebold, substantial donor to the GOP).

C-Span found a black guy in the audience! What's the under on how much he's on camera? 15? 25 times a day?

Who are the folks up front in the cowboy hats? I don't have a joke, I'm just curious.

Will the crowd keep chanting "zero" when Gov. Palin takes the dais? I don't know if the whole experience argument is going to be so effective now.

"Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy." That was a quality line, I admit it. Zing.

Yeah, oil! Thanks, Exxon reps! THAT'S who the cowboys are. "Drill, baby, drill!"
(Serious note - I was pissed at first by the Democratic flip-flop on off-shore drilling. And then it occurred to me that they were just doing what they're supposed to - representing the will of the people. People want drilling, they get drilling, even if it's useless).

Islamic terrorism! Boooo! And THERE is your 9/11 mention. Now I know it's a Giuliani speech.

What's a hockey mom? Is that like a soccer mom from the North, or with fewer teeth?

Yeah, 300 foreign policy advisors! Who wants a leader with people who give him advice that he actually listens to?

I'm sorry, Rudy, I'm not a Georgian. I really feel Azerbaijani.

Is the mayor of New York mocking Obama for allegedly saying that Wasalla isn't flashy? Gotta love that blue collar background, Rudy.

A speech at the RNC trumpeting working women? Am I high? No, just really really drunk. All in all, though, that was quality. Sharp jabs, humor. Damn you and your fancy words, Rudy Giuliani.

No pantsuit for Gov. Palin. Do you think she even owns one? Did she have to burn every one she owned to accept the VP nomination?

Seriously, she's Tina Fey. It's crazy.

Is it that amazing that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war? Wouldn't that be a baseline position for a presidential candidate? Maybe I'm just a crazy idealist.

Why does she keep saying "our nominee for president?" Why not use his name?

Did she just say that victory in Iraq is in sight? That arena might the only place in America right now where those words wouldn't get you laughed out of the room.

Again with the lip licking. Aggravating.

Bristol, Willow, Trig and Piper. No one knocks her Yuppie-ish name choices? How about a Joe, or a Claire? Those are Commie names in my book (The book is called "Commie Names for Your Red Baby - From Karl to Mao." Pick it up at your local independent bookstore).

How can she be an advocate for special ed and mothers if she's against money for day care?

Todd Palin is a man's man. Oil man, fisherman, snowmobiler. Piper, get that baby away from me, she's talking about my snowmobiling!

Republicans talk about their pride in America a lot. Why are they so defensive? We get it, you love America. We believe you. Really.

Were there visual aids at the DNC?

Good line about the bitter religion and gun- clingers. She's a solid speaker.

Can you mock the Washington elite with John McCain, multi-term senator, at the top of the ticket? Ah, who needs consistency.

Yeah, Sarah? You're not going to get applause by knocking the good old boys at the RNC. Don't forget, they ARE the good old boys.

Hey, she knows what E-Bay is! She should teach McCain.

I think I like her speaking style better than Hillary Clinton's. If only her positions weren't, you know, a wee bit crazy.

Strong words against Russia. You gonna back that up?

Don't worry, America. Alaska has plenty of oil and gas. For about a year or so. Available right quick. In a decade. Maybe.

And that was the biggest round of applause for alternative energy at a Republican gathering ever. All kinds of stereotypes are being torn down tonight.

She was doing so well. I was impressed. But the "and [Obama]'s worried about someone reading [Al Qaeda] their rights." That's cheap. Beneath her, really. And then the line about using change to promote his career? Why? Why not offer an actual, substantive response? Screw that noise.

I know she's trying to speak truth to power about McCain's maverick-ness, but the problem is that the people in the cowboy hats? Sitting right in front of her? Yeah, those are the power.

Hey, did you know John McCain was a POW in Vietnam?

I may hate her politics, but boy do the Palins make a lovely Christmas card.

Whoa, John McCain showed up! I've never seen a presidential candidate make a surprise appearance after his VP candidate speaks!

The upshot is she gave a great speech. But we knew she would - she's hilarious on 30 Rock.

Trafficking

I knew it! I knew people read this thing! I totally got you to comment! Suckers!

But seriously, the problems of underwear afflict men all across this great nation, and its time someone other than GQ took it up as a serious topic. So you're welcome.

I was sick this week, sick of the lies, and the beatings, and the sleep deprivation. Mostly just the last one, which laid me up all day yesterday. So instead of reading German e-mails about hot and sweaty interoffice romance, I got to read interesting stuff, like this article in The Atlantic.

Now those of you who are familiar with the history of the Fancy Pants remember my...ambivalence regarding traffic laws. Whether it was playing Follow the Leader around West Rogers Park, ignoring speed limits on I-94, or simply running into stationary curbs on the side of Kedzie or parked cars in a parking lot in Newton, or trying to run down pedestrians in Coolidge Corner, I'm not too down with the law. So John Staddon's article is right up my alley. Despite the fact that he's British, and the Queen's homeland is used as the model, I think this article makes a lot of sense. Signs are a pain in the ass, and speed limits are too often arbitrary, and they change seemingly at random. So why can't this happen here, in the USA, one of the top nine countries in North America (I refuse to count any of the Caribbean islands. If they want to be part of a continent, they can form their own)?

When it comes down to it, this is all about truthiness. In the end, it doesn't matter what the statistics show, or what is actually safer. All that matters is that fewer signs feels less safe, and therefore anyone who dares to suggest getting rid of some or all of them must hate children, puppies, and Jesus. It doesn't help that rotaries would be part of the solution. Hell, even I'm suspicious that they're part of some sinister Communist plot to spell out "Yay Karl Marx!" on our road maps.

And they will never be "roundabouts" in these United States. Even more than rotaries, roundabouts make me want to take a bunch of tea and throw it in the nearest body of water. That includes my bathtub.

But I am all in favor of doing away with stop signs and speed limits. I've heard some of you - specifically those in Chairman Mao's Boston - yearn for more stop signs to protect your kids from the evil, gas-guzzling, earth-destroying cars. You know what? That's what leashes are for. And helmets. Children should be taught to fear cars, so they'll be less inclined to want to drive at 16, or even 36. Which will make for fewer drivers on the road, which will be good for the environment. So either way, taking down the stop signs is a good thing.

Lastly, a short word about pedestrians in general. In the city, there are sidewalks. Those are for people who aren't driving. If you must enter the street area, you should respect the 3- and 4-ton vehicles hurtling past you at high speeds. If you think some painted lines are going to overrule a green light, you deserve the broken hip. It's really a matter of physics. People are smaller than cars, and slower. If you see a car coming, don't walk in front of it, unless you have the light, or several layers of padding. Because I know I'm not stopping.

If we're in a roundabout, though, then the right of way is all yours. I think that's how it works. But for that you have to go to England, and pay fealty to Queen Whats-her-name. Sheila.

Come to China - watch gymnastics, get arrested and deported!

I'm not going to write about Obama's victory, because it came months ago, and only real news people are going to treat today as if something significant happened. Instead, I'm going to write about a country that's crazier and scarier than America: China.

Yesterday China issued a legal guide for foreigners during the Olympics. Some of the rules are understandable - no attacking participants or judges, no smuggling drugs. But then there are some typically fascistic regulations that will give these Games a true Chinese feel. Only a few of these are actually made up.

1) Come to China, and see the entire country! You want to go to Tibet? Is that the new McDonald's sandwich, in honor of our very Special Olympic Games? It isn't? Well then the Chinese government has never heard of it. Why would you want to go somewhere that doesn't exist?

2) People with "mental diseases" are not welcome. Some examples: bipolar disorder, autism, Baron Munchausen's disease, that one disease where you say what you believe, regardless of the government's position. Tourettes, that's it.

3) The mascots are Syd, Ollie, and Millie. Chairman Mao help you if you bring up any of these.

4) These Olympics are sponsored by Coca-Cola, among other companies. If you try to bring Pepsi into the country, you will be deported to the nearest Myanmarese country. What's a Burma? Is that like a Tibet?

5) Athletes are free to express themselves using whatever means they deem appropriate. But remember, in polite company, a gentleman or lady does not bring up religion, politics, oppressive police states, Big Brother, air pollution, water pollution, noise pollution, rickshaws, Japan, Genghis Khan, Kublai Khan, Morty Khan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, child labor, capitalism, North Korea, Yao Ming, the internet, rock and roll music, smog, asthma, choking, lung cancer, and whatever that Tibet thing is.

6) You may root for whomever you please, but don't yell anything mean. Or obnoxious. Or racial. Or political. Or religious. Or using words. Some nice, encouraging grunts are really welcome.

7) You are free to root for the Chinese athletes.

8) If you have any problems please find one of the many volunteers on staff, who are there to answer any of your questions. If your questions are hard, or relate to a sensitive topic, one of the many undercover agents disguised as volunteers will detain you until an acceptable time is determined for your release.

9) Curfew is at 10 sharp. Lights out at 11. Stories at 11:30, but only if everyone's in PJ's.

10) If you're caught sneaking out of your Olympic village for a romantic tryst, to attend a protest, or to use the bathroom, you will be shot on sight. But what the heavily armed undercover agents dressed as volunteers don't know won't hurt you, so enjoy the thrill of sneaking out!

Taxes suck, waa waa waa

I understand people who complain about taxes. I really do. You made the money, you should keep it. Obviously. My only problem is that these people are Communist pinkos, who want nothing more than to freeload. Go back to Russia-town, Stalinists!

You pay for cars, houses, clothes, everything except music and porn on the internet. Why exactly should you get to live in America for free? It's a great gig - we have good movies, decent restaurants, and football, miles and miles away cooler than soccer. We have the greatest, most powerful army in the world that fights wars with only the most technically advanced weaponry, when Congress actually spends that money on the troops, as opposed to contractors (just kidding, Blackwater. Please don't kidnap and torture my family).

Living in America is a privilege, not a right. Don't like it? Move to Iceland or Ireland, the only developed countries with average tax rates lower than ours. And it's never really the people without money who complain, is it? It's the ones with plenty of money, who can afford their own health care, but just don't want to support anyone else. Well you know what? If you agree not to take anything from the government - not Social Security, or Medicaid, or Medicare, take 911 off your speed dial, remove all the smoke alarms because you can fight your own fires, you big burly men you - then hey, don't bother paying the taxes.

The government has a $3 trillion deficit. Eventually, they're going to have to raise taxes because they don't have enough money, and none of us (other than Chinese immigrants, maybe) want the national anthem to be in Mandarin in 30 years. So suck it up, pay your taxes, and find something a little bit more interesting to base your vote on, like, say, sound fiscal policy, or a reasonable solution to the drug problem, or whether a particular candidate has a crazy preacher. Because even that is a more legitimate beef than bitching about how much Uncle Sam is ripping from your liver-spotted arthritic claw.

You know who demands to tear down the market system, and get things for free? Welfare recipients, and Bolsheviks. America gets to charge what the market will bear, that's your whole capitalism thing, right?