Can't we all agree that he's going to "Kill Whitey," and she'll emasculate us?

One of the benefits of moving to Pennsylvania is my vote will actually matter. In a swing state, my issues are writ nation-wide, and everyone wants to know if I'm a soccer mom, or a gun nut, or if I hate brown people but couch it in terms of nostalgia and missing the "old neighborhoods." So today the two Democratic presidential candidates sent representatives to the Pittsburgh JCC to pander to me and my new neighbors. For my three readers (hi Dad! Grandma! Homeless guy with inexplicable laptop at Starbucks!), I took some notes, running diary-style, so you could feel like you were there too. If anyone asks, you were the one who took all those Hebrew Barack Obama pins.

1:58 - For those of you in Boston, you'll be amazed to know that there are actually McCain supporters under the age of 76. I don't know why they're at this Democratic event, but they seem to be normal, healthy folks who believe that 6 years in a VC prison camp had no real impact on Johnny's psyche, or his feelings about Asians. It certainly hasn't reduced his support for torturing other people.

Lots of Obama pins with his name in Hebrew. Is this the only language for which the campaign does this? Or do they have his name on t-shirts phonetically spelled out in Arabic as well? How about Farsi?

2:04 - Rep. Mike Doyle, local congressman and uncommitted superdelegate, introduces both campaign reps, Eliot Engel (D-NY) for Clinton, and Robert Wexler (D-FL) for Obama. Doyle rocks the yinzer accent, to show off his blue-collar roots, but mentions Wexler's hooker talk on Colbert, so you know he's also down with the college kids. He'll be in Congress forever.

2:07 - Engel in the red tie, Wexler in blue. How is this decided? Should I know the reasoning behind the colors? Is my ignorance the typical blundering of a political neophyte? Should I know about Hillary's notorious devotion to red, Barack's essential "blueness?"

Wexler speaks first, making a funny about the crowd all eventually becoming his constituents in Boca Raton. "Someday you'll all be mine! Mwhahahahahaha!" Goes on about Obama as a "transformational figure," because he's not only black AND white, but he can also turn into a dump truck with, like, lasers.

2:10 - Both candidates have their AIPAC gold card. Are they really going to disagree here, in a JCC?

2:14 - Wexler cites Marty Peretz, of the New Republic, as an admirer of Obama's stand on Israel. So for the record, Obama has supporters on the left, the right, and the whacko.

2:22 - Iran. We've talked with them about Iraq, we've talked with them about Afghanistan. So why not negotiate with them on terrorism? On Israel? On their favorite Persian desserts? As president, Barack Obama will not let ideological divisions get in the way of America obtaining the best chummus recipe, even if it leads him all the way to Tehran, and the kitchens of the Ayatollahs themselves. Such is his commitment to freedom.

2:27 - A quote from conservative magazine the New York Sun: Obama loves Israel. He's a madrassah-educated Muslim, hates Whitey, and will lead a crackrock parade of Crips and Bloods through your nice suburban elementary school, but he does love Israel.

(Sidenote: Rep. Doyle is sitting directly in front of me. He has very small hands, of the carny persuasion, and very long fingernails, impeccably groomed. And...are they polished? Is that Summer Sunset?)

2:30 - Engel, for his part, has a magnificent mustache. With his Bronx accent, he's like Woody Allen's more responsible older brother, Morty Allen, CPA.

2:31 - "Hillary's incredibly smart, and always returns my phone calls (an actual, honest-to-goodness real quote). And she has a great personality. I know, that's code for less-than-beautiful, but she's also, she's really...dignified...looking."

Engel one-ups Wexler by showing off his AIPAC tattoo, inside an outline of Israel that includes the territories, even the Sinai peninsula. "Did you know that Chelsea's real middle name is 'Yerushalayim shel Zahav?'"

Engel's really just reading Clinton's resume, where Wexler used a more narrative style. Telling, I think. It's also a subtle way of saying that Engel is boring, which I just ruined by explaining it outright. Oh well. Subtlety is for stupid idiots.

2:34 - Hillary won't meet with Iran, not in a boat, not in a train, not in a car, not in the rain...

2:45 - "Once you get to know Senator Clinton, she's really awesome. And you know where she stands, and there's nothing that hasn't been revealed. But if it's something she'd rather not answer, then you'll get a firm slap in the face, no more than you deserve."

2:50 - The reps are asked what their dream ticket would be.
Engel: Clinton/Obama, of course.
Wexler: Obama/Doyle. Hahahahahaha. But seriously, anyone but Clinton. Mr. Moderator? What are you doing come January? Want to be Vice President?

After the opening statements, the reps take questions from the crowd.

Q: What does Hillary think of Obama on campaign finance, and vice versa? Fight, monkeys! I want to see blood!
A, from both: We all agree, we love money, just as much, but not more so, than the other guy/gal/misc.

Q: Reverend Wright, he said bad things. True or false?
Engel: defends Obama. Meh.
Wexler:

Q: Energy policy, specifically with regard to nuclear.
A: In a huge improvement over the last guy, both reps properly pronounce nuclear.

(Sidenote #2: Wexler's quite the talker, with quite the ego. "I - and this is me talking here, just me, not the guy I'm allegedly speaking on behalf of, but me - blah blah blah.")

Q: Iraq War: voting for it, what's that about? (Factual insert: Both Engel and Wexler voted to authorize force in Iraq. Doyle, however, did not. So, kudos, guy.)
Engel: Wellllllll...now she's against it. That's something, right?
Wexler: Me me me me me me. Oh, and my guy didn't vote for it, so there.

Q: About the disabled: what's in it for us?
Wexler: Ummmm, ok Israel Israel Israel, football, old people...I got nothing. But I'm sure Barack loves the gimps.
Engel: Health care is important and so, yeah. That's it.

Q: But really, Jeremiah Wright is a total too, am I right?
Asked and answered. Move along, voters.

Q: So this Rezko guy, he gave Senator Obama all this money, and more land for his house, and we don't know the whole story, and this, and that, and the other (this questioner, a nice little old lady, went on for a while. I kinda nodded off)?
Wexler: What about Whitewater?
Engel: Really? Whitewater? Hillary is WYSIWYG. Vetted, boiled, peeled, sauteed, filleted and billeted. Nothing is secret any more, there are no surprises.
Wexler: Bosnia, hello! And tax returns, what up?
Engel: Really, who hasn't, once in their past, confused a little girl reading poetry for sniper fire? Don't we all really want to avoid both, in the worst way?

Q: Somehow, beginning with the Holocaust (and Godwin's Law lives on) Q'er gets back to Rev. Wright who is still, by all accounts, a real piece of work. But then her real Q is on outsourcing. Thoughts?
Engel: Actually, we all hate foreigners, so outsourcing bad.
Wexler: Look, fine. I'll take the bait. Reverend Wright is a racist, bigoted, anti-semitic blowhard who does more damage to his community than guns and mandatory minimums put together. And Obama made not just one awful judgment in joining his church, but 20 years' worth, including having his marriage and kids' baptisms overseen by this whackjob. And am I embarrassed for my candidate? You betcha. Does it do much to undermine Barack's principal campaign platform, which is that sound judgment beats experience every time, by weakening Barack's once-strong hold on the sound judgment position? Quite a bit. But despite all that, he's still my guy. So there. (Note: Rep. Wexler may or may not have said all or none of that. I was sick of listening at that point, and dying for some cookies and lemonade).

Final Q: Healthcare and PeruFTA, somehow related, I guess.
Wexler: We both somehow want universal health care without alienating the HMO's. Engel: Yeah. Either way, it will stall in committee and get earmarked to hell, and any improvement in the next eight years will be incremental at best. But at least our president will get to call it "universal," right? Hillary rules!
Wexler: No way, Obama kicks A!

And then the whole thing devolved into a slapping fight.

Dr. Robert Atwahl IV, answerer of questions

In the rigorous examination I sent to all candidates, only Dr. Atwahl answered satisfactorily. Don't even get me started on Duncan Hunter's entry. If I wanted an essay buddy, I'd go hang out near the middle school.

Here then, are Dr. Atwahl's response to my carefully-crafted queries. I like most that he didn't throw them out, like everyone else. Don't think I'll forget this, Biden. Your hairplugs are mine!

1) Global-warming: myth, grim sweltering reality, or propaganda from the swimsuit and sunblock lobbyists?

- Global warming is the new Osama Bin Laden. After a while, we will all stop caring. 9/11.

2) The War on Drugs has been going strong for decades. The US government now spends as much fighting the influx and production of illicit narcotics as its citizens do trying to obtain them. My question for you: What makes a better bong: saxophone, or cored apple?

- Well let me tell you a little something about a bong. A good quality bong usually has a place to put water, so, although, the apple is more practical, and cheaper, the best bong is obviously the saxamaphone. And I don't want the American people to think I'd sacrifice quality to convenience.

3) How do you plan on making the War on Terror work for the common man? When can I expect my War on Terror dividends? Do you, at the very least, plan to get us all free hats?

- The war on terror will work for the common man...never. This war on terror is more like a war against the American people. Dividends? You've already got Kevin Garnett over there in your commie-pinko town - what else do you want? Oh, and the hat is in the mail.

4) If you were a tree, how many guns would you own?

- Hell, if I was a tree I would have five guns. Because of certain legal issues I cannot currently admit or deny that I have seventeen assault rifles, 42 hand grenades, and a thermo-nuclear device. It's all about deterrence.

5) If the CIA just told you where all the secret interrogation prisons were located, who would be the first person you'd send to be tortured and questioned? What would you want to know? How would you hide the prisons in the future, so some dumb journalist doesn't trip over them? Tree branches? Distracting shiny wars on the other side of the world?

- Ah, yes the torture chambers. I was just there the other day, actually. I wanted to know who's been stealing all my socks? To hide prisons you have to put them in the place that no one would expect, like the White House or Canada . Talk about your real threats, by the way. Damn Canadians...

6) If you threw a global economic summit and invited everyone but China, would that effectively cripple its growing dominance of the global marketplace?

- No, of course not! China and us are like distant cousins. We don't always have to hang out with them, but they know we are related. We keep in touch every six months. I try to send flowers, just so they know I'm thinking of them, and their glorious consumer base - I mean, population. They're people, too.

7) If you love the environment so much, why don't you marry it?

- I tried, I got arrested. Hey, maybe I'll move to your crazy state! Oh, sorry, "Commonwealth." Elitist pricks.

8) Is universal health care the answer to our approaching environmental crisis? Isn't it just a gussied-up version of socialized medicine?

- There is not anything social about universal healthcare. In fact, I think it will going to put an end to social welfare. And the last time I checked, our environmental problems have nothing to do with health. (To be fair, this was written before the San Diego fires, which I'm sure the candidate would agree have something to do with health - ed.)

9) Does the Tree of Liberty really have to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants? In this time of blood donation shortages, should we really be wasting it all on stupid trees? Isn't water sufficient?

- If you knew anything about Liberty trees you'd know they need lots and lots of blood. There is no way around it. It's science, my friend.

10) Are you pro-life, or do you enjoy the Bhutanese delicacy "fetus on rye?"

- I'll take the fetus on rye, hold the placenta. MMMMMM - fetus. Wait, are you going to post this?

11) Our pastor says that if the gays marry each other, soon we'll all have to marry water buffalo. Agree or disagree? If you disagree, who's right, you or Jesus (Don't let the fact that I'm Jewish and don't actually know a pastor to affect your answer. Jesus is still a pretty influential guy. He did invent Crocs, you know.)?

- I believe that half of what your pastor is saying is false. Although we may end up marrying water buffalo we can still stop gays from marrying each other. Jesus once came to me in a dream and tried to steal my crocs. I will never forgive Jesus.

12) If you found Osama bin Laden between the cushions in your couch, would you brag about it immediately, or just have him killed, tape it, and then run the tape when it's more politically convenient?

- I would offer him some water. Than I would kill him with my killer long fingernails. You ever see X-Men? I'm like Wolverine, bitches.

13) If you going to cheat on your spouse while in office, why wouldn't you do it in the Oval Office? That's gotta be the coolest office sex location on the planet, except maybe the Pope's private chambers.

- Who said I wouldn't do it in the Oval Office? Man, I would do it EVERYWHERE. That is, if I would cheat. Which I would never do. I love you, honey.

14) If elected, would you worship at the altar of Democracy, or remain devoted to your current imaginary deity?

- To me Democracy is not something to be worshipped. It is an ideal you bring into your home. You introduce it to your children, and everyone dances and dines together in glorious harmony. Then, after the kids go to bed, you take Democracy into your bedroom and do things to it that are illegal in 32 states. Ooooh, Democracy - who's the bitch now?

15) What TV show best embodies the values you wish to bring to the Office of the President, and why?
- This was a really tough question. Probably the Sopranos, I guess. I see myself and AJ as two young bright minds with similar futures. Also I don't believe in delegating targeted killings. If America wants to whack someone, I'ma do it my damn self.

What I love most about Dr. Atwahl is his willingness to open himself and his family to the public. And his hatred of Canada. The most important lesson I learned when sending out this questionnaire is that no one I know, friends or family, have any sort of desire to write, or answer questions.

Repent! The Hour of Judgment is at Hand!

Tis the season for forgiveness. For those of you who may not know, we are nearing the end of the 10 Days of Repentance, which occurs at the beginning of the 25 Days of Holy Binging, and is followed by the 6 Weeks of Half-Assed Exercise. It is common for many folks to ask forgiveness of others during this time so as to start off the new Jewish year with a clean slate, thereby saying to G-d “see, I can follow your ‘rules,’ your ‘laws.’ It’s not so tough, Big Man.”

In this vein I should like to repent, to atone for the many, many wrongs I have committed over this past year. Forgive me, don’t forgive me, it doesn’t really matter – it just feels so good getting this stuff off my chest. Like that one time I tweezed my four chest hairs, except with less blood.

To the mailman: I’m sorry I sprayed my mail with dog pheromones. How was I supposed to know that the cliché was accurate? And don’t worry; with modern medicine, rabies isn’t fatal.

To the wild turkeys who live on my block: I’m sorry for all the honking. And for posting pictures of you and your brood in local hunting lodges. How about we compromise – I won’t run you over or offer a reward for your tasty carcasses, and you learn to use a crosswalk.

To my super, the Great G: I promise, no more ritual sacrifice. Just so you’re aware, though, that means no more Virgin Meatloaf.

To Random Coworker: it was wrong to sign you up for a year of Teen Meat. But you have so many pictures of young boys in your office…wait, those are you children? I have to make some calls.

To Friend K: I’m sorry I sent your picture to the Department of Homeland Security. But you talk crazy sometimes. And you have to admit, you’re a danger to yourself, and others.

To the Brothers: I know I can’t call off the fatwas against you. But I will pray hard for your deliverance unto the well-deserved 72 virgins. When you hear about how you’re supposed to be killed, though…you’re just going to laugh and laugh.

To Wife: Sorry for the whole pregnancy thing. If you really want, I’m still ok with selling Fetus on the black market. My EBay auction is up to $325.62!

To Parents: That, just before – that was a whole lot of inappropriate humor right there. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.

Mmmmmm - Placenta

I’ve been known to support some odd things.

I was all for new Coke (I was young! It was new! I couldn’t read script!); I thought expansion in baseball was great because it further diluted an already crappy sport; and new strung out miserable Britney is ever so much more palatable – and less likely to provoke prosecution – than jailbait sexy Britney.

And while I may grant my imprimatur to cannibalism for the sake of obtaining the strength of one’s slain enemies, eating placenta is simply too far for me to go.

Maybe I’m late on this bandwagon, and lord knows I’ll have to face this choice when Wife gives birth to Child in early ‘08, but I’m confident in stating now, publicly, that while we may offer food and drink to local and out-of-town guests, we will not be serving placenta, Wife’s or anyone else’s.

But hey, if it’s in USA Today, then obviously I stand against the common man once again. Damn you, common man! Enjoy your human egg yolk.