The Bears? SO not jerkin

Rod Marinelli continues to live up to his porno name, and bend us all over some piece of furniture that people are bent over for sex in a very uncomfortable place. Like a Volkswagen. This time it was the Cardinals, scoring and scoring until I just couldn't take it anymore.

So, for the first time, I switched off a football game, and began watching a movie about grrrlpower and the super wonderfulness of best friends.


Josie and the Pussycats is a tremendously underrated movie. The cast alone - Rachel Leigh Cook, Rosario Dawson, Parker Posey, Seth Green, Alan Cumming of all people - makes it worthwhile. Then there's the satirical product placement, and the catchy pop punk.

But most of all, there is Tara Reid, in all her empty-headed glory. Sure, now she's unattractive and boozy and weird looking. But back then, she was a ditzy goddess, a walking blond joke. A female, live action Ralph Wiggum:

"These walls are mushy!"
"The tough make lemonade!"

And so on.

So no, I'm not ashamed.

The real question, though, is whether I'm overreacting. After all, the Cardinals are a solid team. So, it turns out, are the Bengals. And Crybaby is playing pretty well.

But my real concern is that I don't recognize my own team. A pass-happy team with terrible defense? I didn't realize I was rooting for the Oakland Raiders. If we use our first round pick next year on a receiver, I'm going to start freaking out.

Oh, that's right - we don't have a first round pick. We sent it to Denver with the Neckbeard.

Which brings me to my other problem with this season. In Bizarro world, Bizarro Fancy Pants is deliriously happy. The Bears are undefeated, with a 2-headed rushing monster - Matt Forte and (I can't BELIEVE I'm writing this) Cedric Benson. Neckbeard is under center, throwing short, sensible passes to people on his own team. Which is fine, because we're running all over everyone, and the defense is lighting people up. Mike Singletary turned down some absurd head coaching offer out west to come back to Chicago and coach the defense, and ever since their first game when they separated Aaron Rogers' legs from the rest of his body, no one wants to play them. Tommie Harris is a model citizen, because the only thing he's more afraid of than Coach Singletary is making Brian Urlacher angry.

And Rod Marinelli is lying dead in a ditch, or doing 50 chicks in a movie, or something completely unrelated to football, per the restraining order.

See what's going on there? There are a bunch of Bears having solid seasons - they just seem to be playing for other teams. And the current Bears don't resemble any Bears team that has ever worn Bears jerseys. Thus, Josie and the Pussycats.

Honk if you love hugs!
Honk if you love rainbows!
Honk if you love Pussy...cats!

Also - read this.

OW MY DEFENSE - ooh, cookie!

If you wanted to curse your own football team, what would you do in the offseason? Spit in a voodoo witch's soup? Slaughter a baby goat in the endzone? Wear Packer green and yellow without showering until they kick you out of your Overeaters Anonymous group?

Or...hire Rod Marinelli? Ding ding ding! Come on down, Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith! Seriously, is there anything about last year's Detroit Lions - record-breakingly bad 0-16, coached by one Rod Marinelli - that you'd want to bring to your team? Other than Rod's winning smile, I mean. Seriously, check out his pics online - he's dreammmmmy.

But if there's anyone in the world that wanted to see Mr. Marinelli on the opposing sideline, it would be Cedric Fucking Benson. And the only person he'd want to see more would be the guy who trashed him to the rest of the league last year - me. Er, make that EVERY SINGLE BEARS FAN OVER THE PAST 4 YEARS.

So what did CB do? He fucked us all, is what he did. Crybaby Sulkypants looked positively Rexy, throwing a couple more picks while Matt Forte continued his assault on fantasy football owners, by running for nothing on way too many attempts. Is there a sophomore slump for running backs that I'm not aware of? Or is it just the curse of Rod fucking Marinelli?

He has wrecked the Bears defensive line. Singlehandedly. Could it be injuries to Urlacher, and the departure of a few quality safeties? Maybe. Could it be the complete disappearance of one Tommie Harris?

All I know is, the Bears had a defense last year, and then they hired Rod fucking Marinelli, and now they have 11 seahorses. I love seahorses! But I hate losing. So go away, seahorses.

Cedric Fucking Benson! What the hell?

How many kicks to the groin? 4! UPDATE: 5!

Oh, Crybaby. Here are the rationalizations that I conceded to you, hours before kickoff:

- your receivers suck (no offense, Devin Hester).
- there's a ton of pressure on you as the Second Coming of Sid Luckman.
- your first game is at Lambeau, the belly of the green and yellow and fat, fat beast.

And yet somehow you still (still!) found a way to fall short of my hopes and dreams.

Let's tally, shall we?

1st quarter: You were lucky to have thrown just the one interception. You were basically begging the Packers to pick off your throws. Did you not realize that you were playing tackle football and not, for example, 500? Because with that helmet over your whiny sulky face, I couldn't tell if you were calling out numbers on your throws.

"Hey, Nick Collins, this is right to you, so you only get 150 if you catch it. Al Harris? This one's tough, worth 300."

If that's the case, then maybe you're just stupid, and I feel a little bad. Not a lot, but a little. Let's move on, shall we?

2nd quarter: 2 more picks, which I almost didn't notice, because I got to do my safety dance, thanks to Danyelle - Danielle - Daneal - Danieal - Dan Manning.



In the 3rd quarter it looked almost like you knew what you were doing - the beautiful throw to Hester, the other scoring drive, the lack of throwing to the other team - so I started to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Ah me, and my naive, wild-eyed optimism.

4th quarter, and you better thank Patrick Mannelly that you weren't the worst player of the game. Mr. Mannelly, I'll have you know, is a graduate of Duke University, so not only does he make awful decisions as the long snapper, but he also hates black people and rapes strippers.

So he makes an amazingly bad call to fake a punt deep in his own territory, and the Packers get to score. And still - still! - the Bears are in a position to win the game, right until the end.

And then the defense breaks down and gives up the touchdown pass, because let's face it, Nathan Vasher needs to be shifted over to safety to cover his slow ass. But there's plenty of time, and crazier things have happened.

That's right, it's time for pick #4! Come on down, Crybaby Sulkypants! Join the pantheon of great Bears quarterbacks! Amazing arm, guy! It's you and Jeff George, all the way!

And finally, just as a final thanks for the 2009-10 memories, Urlacher is out for the season with a dislocated wrist. I swear I've seen linebackers play in casts before. Are you telling me that he was able to play entire seasons - and make Pro Bowls - despite the undiscovered and virulent STDs he picked up from Paris Hilton, and yet a simple dislocated joint puts him out for the year?

G-d this season is going to suck.

Cows will not rest until we're all dead, and blah blah Bears lose

I spent the last couple of days in agony. Agony because I was felled by a sinister plot hatched by our bovine nemeses.

I've written of this threat before, but evidently even I am susceptible to overlooking this clear and present danger to our American way of life. "Sure, they're always mooing, prophesying our doom, and seeing our extinction in their vacant black-eyed stares, but we eat them! Aside for some e.coli and Mad Cow, does anyone among us really suffer?"

I am here to tell you that I am on the bloody, smelly front in this gruesome struggle. Because I am one of the many who suffer from their vile biological weapons. And now I have to sleep on the couch because of it. Don't you see? These dopey bastards are attacking marriage, the fundamental pillar of our nuclear families!

I am lactose intolerant. This does not make me a bigot. I mean sure, I hate tall people, and men with very tiny chins. Women who can't pronounce the letter Q. Elderly folk who don't think it was better when they were young. And P.Diddy. But I am no racist. My intolerance is biological, according to my doctor, Nick Riviera.

Milk has its place. Milkshakes, cereal, mixed with Nestle Quik - not Ovaltine, because that's the devil's chocolate. Swiss Miss is a dirty whore.

Cows have developed this chemical as a weapon against the human race, to debilitate us so they can conquer us all. Lactaid is no shield - eventually our bodies acclimate to its power, and we are again relegated to the bathroom for hours, leaving it a dead zone, where nothing may grow again.

For three days after eating ravioli, an "innocent bystander," I was a noxious geyser of unpleasantness. Wife banished me to the basement. I haven't seen Child in a week. Someone with a deep voice was making Wife laugh hysterically last night - I can only assume Child has gone through puberty in my absence.

Once I warned you never to abandon the consumption of beef in all its forms. I come to you again with another responsibility:

Stop eating dairy. Stop drinking milk, stop eating cheese. Do not support the amoral, venal practice of keeping cows alive just so they can poison us with their parmesan cheese, their ice creams. It's a sacrifice, no question. I love pizza, and ice cream, and Wacky Mac macaroni and cheese. But I will not abandon my species for some cheesy fries. And neither should you. So put the mozzarella stick on the table, and back away.

Meanwhile the Bears lost to the Titans because their defense is intimidating in name only. You argue their run defense is amazing, and held Chris Johnson and LenDale White to under 30 yards total. I counter with the fact that KERRY COLLINS picked them apart like a three-day-old Thanksgiving turkey carcass.

Here's a fun fact about Kerry Collins that I don't think you knew - three months ago I was walking along the street when a homeless guy asked me for change, then fumbled the quarter I handed him. That man? Kerry Collins.

So don't tell me that the Bears defense is so great. They're getting by on reputation alone, and that's not even so stellar anymore. They're the new Ravens, which were the old Bears. So that means that in a few weeks Brian Urlacher is going to kill someone, then get away with it. That should be exciting.

Rex Grossman had another typical Sex Cannon-y day - 50% completion rate, 1 TD, 1 pick, 30 cheerleaders knocked up. Maybe a new nickname would be better: the Quarter. Flip it 5 million times, and half the time it comes up heads, the other half it gets picked off or fumbles the ball.

Mr. Rivera? I know you're there, pick up the phone, dammit

Earlier in the season I gave my blessing to Bruce Babich, the Bears' new defensive coordinator. I said he was ok in my book, that I loved the taste of extra blitzing on my chocolate sundae. I said Ron Rivera was not vital to the cause, and all but spit on his 1985 Super Bowl Ring.

I take it all back. Bruce, you useless pederast, you can go play with Cedric Benson at his make-believe tea party in the back of the locker room where we keep the brooms, old jock straps, and the dead McCaskeys. The both of you can spend your time discovering each other's nubile bodies while the rest of the team goes out and plays football. And Mr. Rivera? I'm sorry for the offense. Please come back and teach our defensive line how to tackle a backup running back. I could look up this guy Morris' first name, but unless it's Mercury, or Boris (and then only for the humorous rhyming), I'm not going to care, or recognize him. And what is a DJ Hackett? I heard his street-ready mix tape was going to drop in December, with Lil Wayne and Lupe Fiasco guesting, but I didn't know he was a No. 1 receiver for the Seahawks.

I will grit my teeth and say one nice thing about Benson, whose mother probably weeps at all the crap that's written about her dear sweet boy. On Sunday he had his longest rushing gain of the season.

But let's come back to reality, where that amazing run was all of 20 yards. If a running back looks at his season, a season where his team trades away their No. 1 back (who again rushed for over 100 yards, by the way) to make way for him, and he sees that he hasn't had a 20-yard run until Week 11, then maybe this is the time of year he starts cutting himself, if only to feel the pain he's inflicted upon fans and fantasy football nerds. Anytime you need a razor blade and a Smiths record, Cedric, give me a call. Hell, I'll put "Last Night I Dreamt Someone Loved Me" on repeat for you.

One throw, and now the Cannon is the Messiah

You weak people may be ready to forgive and forget, but not me. Rexy throws one bomb, and now it's all "I don't care if you didn't call, I'll still let you do that thing that I thought was uncomfortable but you seem to be fixated upon." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and...something about a king, maybe? Sayings are for losers.

Bears finally pull one out, although it was against the Raiders, so it's not like it was against a real team. 6-3 with 5 minutes left? This is AMERICAN football, not the other kind, the one with the shin guards. And yes, even though this is a win, I shall be ripping the team. Why? Because I'm a bitter old man with nothing else to do?

Perhaps. But I still wanted to see the Great Orton Neckbeard, so the Cannon can kiss my ass.

Don't you think we're good now either, Cedric. I know it's a little above your average, but a legitimate running back should be able to gain 100 yards on 29 carries. 76 yards? I've mowed more yards than that in a summer!

Zing! I totally got you! Did you see that take down! Oh man, what a great insult! Ha ha! Mowing the lawn is fun!

Oh, and Norman Mailer died. As the author of theThe Naked and the Dead, which suprisingly contains no necrophilia, and Prisoner of Sex, which also isn't about what you think it is, he would have been surprised to hear that it was old age, and not some shrewish, plain-Jane feminists that finally did him in. He didn't hate women, per se. He just didn't want them talking, or writing, or voting.

I once worked for a guy who looked like Norman Mailer. And he had a lot of books...maybe it WAS Norman Mailer! Weird...

Also, I know exactly how long it's been since I last posted. I'll post when I damn well please, and you'll beg for more.

Pretty orange shirts cannot hide the suck

At first, when I saw the score, I thought, "oh, well, it's 1995, and the Bears suck, and Barry Sanders is running all over our defense. Hopefully sometime in the future we won't be such a crappy team."

Then I realized that it's actually 2007, and Barry Sanders is off breaking tackles in a rec league somewhere. Then I wept.

Everyone knows the defense is beat up. Mike Brown had his season-ending injury earlier than ever this year, Nate Vasher is still out (and even if he's back in, he's still out), our defensive line is what the experts call "patchwork," and I'm going to stop with the boilerplate excuses...now.

Fine. I'll accept it. The Bears suck ass this year. We're 3-5 at the halfway point, and once again our quarterback has decided that it's not as much fun to throw to people on your own team. What is, it, Griese? Do you secretly want to be on defense? Cause we'll throw you into the trenches, put you between Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson, and let you fight for your life among the giants. We'll get the Neckbeard under center, and at least he doesn't have the arm strength to throw it to the other team.

I call upon every Bears fan in Chicago to find Cedric Benson's car, and key it. Tomorrow is Halloween, and his house better be covered in toilet paper, with several flaming bags of dog crap waiting by his front door.

Oh, and Ron Turner? Devin Hester will be waiting in the tall grass for you, buddy. Wasn't there supposed to be a place for him in the offense? You know, a place where he can get the ball, run down the field, and score, as is his wont? Kinda dumb to neglect your only playmaker. I'm just saying.

As a way to ease the pain, here is a fantastic video on the art of laterals:

Sorry Mr. Halas

I am not a good fan. Unworthy to wear the blue and orange.

I went to watch the game with my friend Philly Boy, decked out in his Eagles finest. We shared a bench, some homoerotic caressing explained away as high-fiving, and a plate of nachos, while watching our teams ineptly try to play the great game of football. All around us on the other TV's were visions of proper tackling, of big plays and red-zone offenses that actually led to touchdowns (the Titans’ achievement notwithstanding).

We watched as McNabb, the Bears' future prodigal son, over- and underthrew receivers who dropped even his well-placed passes. We railed against the ineptitude of our defenders as running backs and receivers somehow slipped through grasping hands, and arm tackles. I cursed the only effective Eagles strategy, that of kicking away from Devin Hester. Maybe people are picking up on the fact that he can’t score unless he touches the ball. Hell, if Andy Reid can figure it out, who’s next? Tom Coughlin? Mike Sherman?

Here we are, then: my moment of shame. Having watched McNabb somehow slice and dice the Bears for a go-ahead touchdown, and knowing the Bears had already squandered their timeouts, and understanding that it was not John Elway under center, nor was it Joe Montana, or Johnny Unitas, or even Don F-ing Majkowski, I expected the game to be over.

Obviously I was mistaken.

Which is less expected – Brian Griese leading a brutally effective 2-minute drill culminating in a game-winning touchdown bullet to the Moooooose, or the Spanish Inquisition? Well, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but at least their chief weapons are surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms.

And Brian Griese has Muhsin Mohammed, Greg Olsen, Devin Hester (who by now everyone expects), Desmond Clark, and Cedric Benson. So, we’re going to have to go with Griese’s achievement. But is this just another Bears QB tease, like the Neckbeard’s sexy sexiness, or any of Rex Grossman’s passes that weren’t picked off? I can only assume yes.

But then, since I’m a completely worthless fan, who am I to cast stones?

We're going to try a poll question, maybe mix things up a bit. Answer at your leisure, but only if you pronounce it le-shure, and not lee-shure. Because here at the Fancy Pants, we love British crap.

Devin Hester, Blazing Arrow (wasted)

Ahh, that’s better. A game where Hester scores twice, and we still lose. I’m back in familiar territory.

By now you’ve all seen the highlights, and read this, or maybe some recap on ESPN. Sure, Devin Hester was his usual magnificent self, and has finally been use on offense after spending weeks lining up as a decoy. But Adrian Peterson…good lord. Sure, I could blame the defense for forgetting how to tackle. But that would presume that the scrubs starting for all the injured starters hadn’t been bagging groceries at Osco the week before (let’s see Kurt Warner tackle Peterson).

Also, just a reminder, Cedric Benson: The guy we dumped for you, one Thomas Jones, ran for 130 yards against Philly this week. I’m not into issuing ultimatums, but if you don’t break three digits against the same defense next Sunday, I’m going to sneak into your house and kidnap your favorite stuffed animal. No, not Giggles, the Superfuzzy Seacow; I’m heading right for Prince Marmaduke Feistyboots. And that cute, cuddly orangutan will remain in my possession until we either trade your worthless ass, or you retire.

Maybe this is the week Bruce Babich learns that overpursuit sometimes leads to big runs off cutbacks. But this is real life, not a special episode of Two and a Half Men, so the only thing Babich will probably take from the game is that Adrian Peterson has a terrific ass. Which is really all the defense will be able to report, given that they pretty much only saw him from behind.

At some point Lovie might figure out that Griese isn’t any better than the Sex Cannon. When that happens the Bears will get the quarterback they really deserve, Captain Neckbeard, Kyle Orton. The only question will be which position they’ll fill with their high draft pick, running back or QB? I’m guessing cornerback.