Monday, September 14, 2009

How many kicks to the groin? 4! UPDATE: 5!

Oh, Crybaby. Here are the rationalizations that I conceded to you, hours before kickoff:

- your receivers suck (no offense, Devin Hester).
- there's a ton of pressure on you as the Second Coming of Sid Luckman.
- your first game is at Lambeau, the belly of the green and yellow and fat, fat beast.

And yet somehow you still (still!) found a way to fall short of my hopes and dreams.

Let's tally, shall we?

1st quarter: You were lucky to have thrown just the one interception. You were basically begging the Packers to pick off your throws. Did you not realize that you were playing tackle football and not, for example, 500? Because with that helmet over your whiny sulky face, I couldn't tell if you were calling out numbers on your throws.

"Hey, Nick Collins, this is right to you, so you only get 150 if you catch it. Al Harris? This one's tough, worth 300."

If that's the case, then maybe you're just stupid, and I feel a little bad. Not a lot, but a little. Let's move on, shall we?

2nd quarter: 2 more picks, which I almost didn't notice, because I got to do my safety dance, thanks to Danyelle - Danielle - Daneal - Danieal - Dan Manning.

In the 3rd quarter it looked almost like you knew what you were doing - the beautiful throw to Hester, the other scoring drive, the lack of throwing to the other team - so I started to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Ah me, and my naive, wild-eyed optimism.

4th quarter, and you better thank Patrick Mannelly that you weren't the worst player of the game. Mr. Mannelly, I'll have you know, is a graduate of Duke University, so not only does he make awful decisions as the long snapper, but he also hates black people and rapes strippers.

So he makes an amazingly bad call to fake a punt deep in his own territory, and the Packers get to score. And still - still! - the Bears are in a position to win the game, right until the end.

And then the defense breaks down and gives up the touchdown pass, because let's face it, Nathan Vasher needs to be shifted over to safety to cover his slow ass. But there's plenty of time, and crazier things have happened.

That's right, it's time for pick #4! Come on down, Crybaby Sulkypants! Join the pantheon of great Bears quarterbacks! Amazing arm, guy! It's you and Jeff George, all the way!

And finally, just as a final thanks for the 2009-10 memories, Urlacher is out for the season with a dislocated wrist. I swear I've seen linebackers play in casts before. Are you telling me that he was able to play entire seasons - and make Pro Bowls - despite the undiscovered and virulent STDs he picked up from Paris Hilton, and yet a simple dislocated joint puts him out for the year?

G-d this season is going to suck.

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