Thursday, July 3, 2008

Screw you and your delicious, buttery popcorn

I know you've all been wondering how my fantastic job is going. Whether it's the German e-mails, the medical journals, or the fascinating, mute coworkers, it's a constant battle not to swallow my monitor. So before I jet off to exotic Watertown, Wisconsin for Lady Liberty's birthday (don't forget to get her a present; I'm sending edible undies), I thought I'd treat you to some of my daily excitement.

Quick tangent: I have learned it was recently Canada Day. Well la-di-frickin-da. I hope all you folks up north had fun talking aboot the great history of your fine country, eh?

- 200 people on a floor, 1 water cooler. I'm not good with the arithmetic, but I think it's fairly predictable that those numbers make the "cooler" part a sad joke. If you're not going to offer us benefits, at least give us ice trays.

- Behind my half-cubicle sits an older man. At his semi-desk he has a footrest, an oscillating fan, and sundry personal items. He sits in an exquisite leather chair that reclines almost parallel to the floor. I don't know where he got it, I don't know what he had to do to get it. But I do know he's absolutely right in taking it with him when he leaves at night. If he leaves it...just once, that's all I need. I'll sit like a king!

- I'm diligent with throwing out holy socks. But what's the rule on the elastic? How far gone does it have to be before I have to throw them out? Does it matter if they're dressy or white? What if they're really long, so even if they sag they leave no blinding-white calf exposed to the world?

- There's a guy sitting next to me who looks like John Hodgman. Hey, there's another! Wait a minute...

Was that just a flimsy excuse to post footage of people funnier than me? Maybe. You'll never know.

- People who microwave popcorn at work, and don't have the decency to make enough for everyone, should be beaten with shovels. And I don't even like popcorn. That buttery aroma, does strange things to me. I smell it, and I want to kiss Orville Redenbacher full on the mouth. Is that just me?

- Not to fixate on a single topic, but office chairs that don't recline should be collected and burned on a pyre. There should be an evening of joyous revelry to celebrate the event: interpretive dance, jugglers, and bad coffee. Does it not sound glorious?

- The reason, then for my reclining chair obsession: someone stole my chair. The armrests were measured perfectly with my arms, it reclined easily, and had no weird stains. There it is, being used three half-cubes down on my left. That lady better watch her back.

- You know what? The lady chair-thief? She looks like John Hodgman too! Maybe it's all the fluorescent light...

- Today I had the pleasure of going through someone's personal e-mail. This individual decided to send the same document to twenty different people, in twenty different e-mails. Does he not know about cc'ing? If I ever have the pleasure of making his acquaintence, I'm going to poke out his eyes with my pinkie.

- I learned something. Ordinary inconvenience + wildly excessive response = joke, but does not always = funny. Discuss.

- Honestly, which is worse for you - Cheetos, or Snickers? Because that's all that's left in the candy machine. Well, that and trail mix. But I'm neither a sheep, nor am I from Vermont. So nuts to that.

- Happy birthday, America! For your 231st I'm wishing you a new president: a Muslim elitist effete Commie peacenik who won't wear a flag, salute a flag, or do anything but burn a flag unless he uses that awesome symbol to wipe his ass after a huge bowl of hummus and baby's blood.

Either him or Barack Obama. Whichever.


Ali said...

the only thing worse than people making popcorn that isn't for you is people making popcorn and microwaving it 25 seconds too long...because burnt popcorn smell? makes me want to die.

(i'm just going to ignore your complete misuse of the word 'eh')

Hamburgler said...