Yo Joe!/Hey, Brother

Today I offer two forms of shame, arising from opposite ends of my life. Shame and excitement. Shame, excitement, and apprehension. Shame, excitement, apprehension, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. No, wait, that's the Spanish Inquisition.



Anyhoo, there are two filmic events that both excite me and scare the bejesus out of me (shouldn't it be beJesus? Who knows. Jesus might, I guess).

The first is G.I. Joe. As a liberal who hates military fascism and moral absolutes tied to nationalities, it's embarrassing to admit that I used to love this show. I read the comic books, I bought the toys, I staged hundreds of epic battles between the Joes and COBRA, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. COBRA, if you were curious, had fantastically better characters and vehicles, and the Terror Drome was badass. On the other hand, G.I. Joe had Snake-Eyes, who made up most of the difference. But I digress. As ashamed as I am to have loved - and, evidently, still have strong feelings for - the hyperpatriotic Joes, I was thrilled to hear they were going to do a live action movie.

Then I heard it was going to be directed by this guy, and I broke out in hives. What if it blows? Who am I kidding, of course it's going to be terrible! Destro doesn't even have a chrome mask! This is the sort of trauma that ruins childhood memories. And yet...still, there is a fluttering in my soul. Against all odds, it may not suck old man balls. Right? Right?

The other end of this admittedly unique spectrum is Arrested Development. Holy mother of magnificence is it going to be fantastic.

So where, you ask, is the shameful component? Here it is: I only watched maybe half a season when it was first run on TV.

You see? I, an ordinarily loyal member of my demographic, should have scheduled my weeks around the show, should have been shouting from the rooftops odes to its absurdist glory, and devoted hours to dissecting and memorizing each episode. Not only that, but now, having rented and pored over the scant few episodes, I proclaim its glory to every one I know. I truly believe, guilt notwithstanding, that Arrested Development is the funniest show ever. It beats Seinfeld, Cheers, The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park, The State, Mr. Show, Larry Sanders, 30 Rock, and The Office (even the British one).

Despite all that wonderfulness, just as I am culpable for Weezer sucking (an explanation of which will be a future post), I am responsible for the cancellation of Arrested Development. There. Ah, the confession feels good, like ripping a Band-Aid off.

But let us forget the past. Both movies are going to be glorious, and I will weep tears of joy just to see them brought to the big screen.